This week, we go back to a Pit article from March of 2006 when we were younger, brighter, and had yesterday hopes and dreams that have been crushed by the obstacles of today. During that period, the feud between one Triple H and one Jonathan Cena was fantastic in more ways than three-and-a-quarter. To the delight of the professional wrestling audience nation, Triple H tapped to Cena's STFU at Wrestlemania 22. Cena would go on to hold the twirling, twirling, twirling gold for most of the days up until now. I will miss Cena as the WWE Champion. My memories of his non-existent rap battle with Triple H will be forever etched in my Etch-A-Sketch brain. I got stairs. I still got stairs. Now I have a face made out of stairs. Alright, there we go. Rap battle. Oh, it's a rap battle on stairs.
Bask in the aged deliciousness, nation. We will speak again very soon.
-Stephen
Triple H is a 10-time world champion, "The King of Kings", and one the greatest wrestlers ever to step foot in a wrestling ring. Yet, has he ever faced someone the likes of John Cena? While Mr. Helmsley may be excellent in his own right, John Cena often wears a hat, so who has the advantage here? Wrestlemania 22 is the grandest stage of them all, and I believe Triple H and John Cena will make the Chicago crowd come alive. It is the feud of the century, somewhat like The Rock vs. Steve Austin, except not.
(If Steve Austin had to face The Rock in a rap battle, he would win one hand down [I am confident about my prediction, but not that confident.] Why do I think Austin will win? According to The Rock, Austin listened and may still listen to The Backstreet Boys, who are the hip hop overlords of our time. That's enough for me.)
These two competitors are matched up fairly well. Triple H has the patended Pedigree, a move which not only violently drives his opponents straight to the mat, but forces them to house their heads in the warm crevice of a grown man's groinal area. John Cena has the FU, a fireman's carry slam worthy of a fireman. Additionally, the STFU is a new submission move of his, recently added to his arsenal of shaking all mad-like and having a belt that spins. How did WWE come up with the name STFU? They included the letter U to the stepover-toehold-facelock name to insinuate a vulgar phrase aimed towards Cena's adversary. This is completely different from my original idea, which involved the U being included for the purpose of proposing the construction of Stepover-Toehold-Facelock University. Now my future kids won't be able to get that kind of education.
(Stepover-Toehold-Facelock University has a wonderful horticulture program, and their tuition fees cannot be beat. As you can tell, I am a big supporter of STFU. I hope their basketball team goes all the way this year. Go Fighting 5-Counts!)
The feud between them should be very exciting. Will they brawl and be pulled apart by WWE officials? Will Triple H continue to speak ill of Cena? Will Cena proceed to stand there and take it? In the immortal words of Hulk Hogan... "Most likely maybe, I assume."
(Has that catchphrase worn out its welcome or what? Dang.)
But, what I do know is that Triple H and John Cena are going to rap. Triple H is from Connecticut; one would think that he would not be proficient in freestyling, but little do you know that Greenwich, Connecticut was originally named "Big Pimpin' USA". I bet John Cena and Randy Savage have tea parties, so that's where his rap skills come from.
Anyway, if I'm positively sure of one thing, that thing is this: on the road to Wrestlemania 22, they... are about... to... kick it.
(Vicky Vale, Vick-a-Vicky Vale. Vicky Vale, Vick-a-Vicky Vale. If I do not become the billionaire writer I want to one day be, I have my rap skills to fall back on. On the streets, they call me MC Electrolyte because I make parties conducive to bumpin'. I should have been the guy to show up on the Heat before Wrestlemania 19, rapping at cardboard cut-outs. I spend my Sundays rapping at cardboard cut-outs... in the park... by myself. This hobby should become a lifestyle.)
Triple H's Keys to Rap Supremacy:
1) Use your microphone as a weapon, cupping your hand over the cover. This will act as your "verbal sledgehammer".
2) Wear suits to prove that you're from the streets.
3) Eat Wendy's.
(4) Don't put too much weight on your quadriceps. It will strain your angelic voice.)
John Cena's Keys to Rap Supremacy:
1) As you rap, continually execute the F-U on the Big Show. You will be cheered.
2) Love it when a plan comes together.
3) Continue to look like the offspring of Kevin Bacon and Matt Damon.
(4) Get your father to drop the beat.)
HHH:
My name is Triple H, there's a Hunter in my first name
Press select, then start if you wanna play with The Game
I'm sure Mr. John Cena will take this privilege
To play with his Nintendo and blow on my cartridge
(As a child, the only Nintendo Entertainment System wrestling game I got to play was called M.U.S.C.L.E., but I'm not particularly proud to admit it. You could punch, jump kick, and fall on your butt. You could be a viking. Gameplay is not what it used to be.)
Cena:
Hunter Hunter bo bunter
Banana fana fo funter
Fe fi mo munter
Hunter
HHH:
Stephanie and I are having a baby
I also planted seeds in Chain Gang ladies
I'm gonna have some sons, I'm gonna have some daughters
They will stroll out the womb, then angrily spit out water
(I think Triple H meant to say that his children would spit out milk, not water. They will not spit out milk to be intimidating; they will simply be raised to be lactose-intolerant. Triple H McMahon and Stephanie McMahon-McMahon are my sworn enemies 4-lyfe.)
Cena:
One, two
Hunter is the greatest wrestler alive today
Three, four
I'm okay, but not compared to HHH
Five, six
Triple H is a ten-time champion, and that makes him the best
Seven, eight
Everything he says to undermine my character has validity
Nine, ten
Hopefully if I'm luckily, I will pull out an upset victory
HHH:
It's all about control, and if you can take it
It's all about my beard, and if Cena can face it
He can't be a man like the one Levesque
If he wants to hang with me, he better grow some big breasts
(Triple H has been with Chyna, who has implants, and Stephanie McMahon, who has implants. If he is coaxing women to increase their chest size to that of his own chest, he has an crippling ego problem. Triple H is a B cup if I ever saw one.)
Cena:
Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows
Everything that's wonderful when I pump my shoes up
Brighter than a lucky penny
When Hunter is near the rain goes, disappears, and I feel fine
Just to know that he's mine
(Cena used to pump his shoes up before executing the Five Knuckle Shuffle. I do not understand why he did so because pumping air into your shoes does not magically give your knuckle immense power. What is the correlation, sir? This is an act that is quite similar to a man putting air into his car tires before flying a plane.)
HHH:
I'm a man with a plan that will make Cena lose
At Wrestlemania 22, I will put on ruby tap shoes
There's no place like home when I'm a world champion
He's not Batista or Benoit so I'm not gonna lose again
Cena:
He's a new boy in your neighbourhood
His name is Triple H and it's understood
Hunter's there just to take good care of me
Like he's one of the family
He's "Paul In Charge"
Of my losses and victories
He's "Paul In Charge"
Of my finite popularity
And you'll want
You'll want
Paul in charge of me
(I have come to the conclusion that the more Hunter acts French and snooty, the more I like him as a wrestling personality and human being. Triple H as Jean-Paul Levesque is free to hoard my fridge for whatever snacks he may need. If Jean-Paul Levesque needs a more comfortable chair, I will retrieve one for him or make his chair in a woodshop--no questions asked. If he wants to sit back and watch Grey's Anatomy, I will change the channel and put in a tape to record the first of what will be a season-long complication for him. Conversely, 2007 Triple H will need to use a coaster. I'm sorry.)
HHH:
Gonna beat Cena real bloody, hook the Pedigree
He won't even see the ref count one, two, three
This is how we do it in the W-W-E
I'll put "Vanilla" on "ice" on Pay-Per-View TV
Cena:
Dental plan
Hunter needs braces
Dental plan
Hunter needs braces
Dental plan
Hunter needs braces
(I want to be objective, but Cena just served Triple H big time right there. The worst thing a man can tell another man is that the alignment of his teeth is askew. He might as well slap the beard right off of Triple H's face while he's at it.)
HHH:
Vince McMahon will pull down his pants
Shane McMahon will do a shuffle dance
I will stand proud with the title in my hand
As Linda plays me off air with her Motorhead jug band
Cena:
What's Hunter gonna do with that sledgehammer?
That sledgehammer in front of the cameras?
While I’m a get, get, get, get, him crunk,
Get him love crunk off my hump
What's he gon’ do with all those promos?
All those promos on Monday nights?
While I’m a make, make, make, make him face
Make him face, make him face
Cause of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps
(I like to think that John Cena has lady lumps to be proud of, but I don't think he got them in an honest and or pure manner. Does the Wellness Policy check for smuggled lady lumpage? The punishment for having smuggled lady lumps should not be three strikes; the committer should be fire immediately. Zero tolerance, I say. There will be no corruption.)
HHH:
Word life, this is basic Hunternomics
While John is using home economics
"Hey Hunter, I baked you a cake, hon!"
If I want some bitch, then I'll come get me some
(This time, Triple H turns the tables and serves Cena. He's passing up cake, for Peter's sake. Too many people are being served these days. This is getting dangerous. I don't want the young ones to see this carnage. I want a peaceful neighbourhood, gentlemen. What are you doing to my stomping grounds?)
Cena:
Check this out, I'm gonna rhyme with orange
...
...
...
Aw crap
(In actuality, dorange rhymes with orange. You won't find dorange in the dictionary because it is too awesome to be confined to the pages of a dictionary. Dorange is a adjective used to describe a paragraph that entails a blog author trying to come up with a stupid made-up word to rhyme with orange. For instance, this series of sentences is a dorange paragraph. I could go on and on about the word dorange, though I do not want to bore the audience. Maybe I should talk about something else. Should I not go on? Should dorange not dorange dorange dorange? Danny Dorange and Roadkill was a good oddball ECW tag team. Dorange.)
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