2 Wrestling 2 Confessions

I have something to tell you, Reader of Words and Sentences--I am ashamed to be a wrestling fan. A cameraman is standing right next to me as I am typing out this secret to you, but do not tell a soul. Surely, you may believe that I have no shame for I appear to be a confident and independent being, but you believe lies. You see, professional wrestling is the hideous article of clothing in my closet that I do not want to take out and put on my person. When I integrate wrestling into the outside world, the world spits it right back at me, and back into the closet it goes. The skeptics laugh and point at the superstars of wrestling. They mock their attire, their long greasy locks, and their uncanny ability to appear smelly over the television somehow. Since they do not care for the entertainment sport, they do not care for me. I am sick of their judgmental eyes, judging me as if each of their eyes were respective judges. Yes, I analyze and follow wrestling, but that is not a crime; I am no criminal. Just because wrestling steals my heart does not mean I steal things in life. Leave me alone, Earth. Leave me be. I deserve this cake. I deserve to have the ends and the middle at this metaphorical co-worker's birthday party.

This harsh world has left my insides to suffer and perish. My conscience is filled with secrets to the brim. Where am I to unleash these underlying thoughts and truths? Should I take it to a friend, who will understand completely yet play Halo 3 on my X-Box for 5 straight hours afterward, assuring me that the next game will be his "last try"? Should I take it to the church, where I will be forgiven, but forced to drink wine and eat bread when I have a craving for coffee and crackers instead? Should I take it directly to the Lord, who will listen though look down on me because he is not willing to get off his Sealy Posturepedic cloud? On fourth thought, I will do the next best thing--I will reveal my wrestling-related secrets on this wrestling-related blog in hopes that negative two people will read it. Many a justice will belong to me.

We are gathered here today to join together writer and reader in holy secret-keeping. With this ring, I thee confess. If there are any objections to this confession, I will Indian Deathlock your teeth.

1) I coined the name Cyber Sunday. WWE used the name to title its Pay-Per-View event where fans could decide matches and match stipulations through online voting. When I told them the name, I intended that it should be utilized to title a event in which somebody has cyber sexual relations with a hot fudge sundae. WWE did not keep their promise.

2) What happened to TNA's "adrenaline rush"? You mean, TNA lets it go at its own pace now? Can I have a second? I have something in my eye: tears.

3) Through inside sources, I know why the heart of ECW covers up his melon with a bandana. Tommy Dreamer's hair is being fired by World Wrestling Entertainment in a gradual fashion; he does not want anyone to know about this fact. By this time next year, he will be bald, yet his pants will be ever the more velour.

4) After watching episodes of TNA Impact several times over in slow, fast, and regular motion, I have come to the conclusion that Pacman Jones' leapfrog is not a leapfrog at all but a veiled and failed attempt to get opponents to give him piggyback rides. Somebody tell him that he's trying to mount others in an incorrect manner. Piggyback? On the back? It's the Backman Jones. Piggybackman Jones.

5) The following truth is top-of-the-pops secret popcorn: I heard that Beth Phoenix is otherwise known as The Glamazon. Bonus hidden truth: The Glamazon is a glamourous version of Amazon.com. This week only, you can save 20% off on all paperback books covered in pink ribbons and perfume.

6) I will never buy Lilian Garcia's new CD entitled ¡Quiero Vivir! An entire album dedicated to Lilian Garcia moaning in pain at the hands of Charlie Haas accidental rope slingshots will be a very poor album.

7) When Chuck Palumbo comes down the aisle, how does his motorcycle move the steel steps up against the barricade and back against the steel ringpost like that? I want a telekinetic motorcycle. No fair, curly hair.

8) Santino Marella and I have a lot in common. For one, I also regret that Santino used to get his jollies from watching Britney Spears. It's "Crossroads" Britney isn't it, Santino? You disgust me.

9) I find it almost impossible to watch Team 3-D matches because they give me migraines. For me, they appear on screen as a blurry mess of various red and blue shades. Until I find my pair of 3-D glasses, I will have to deal with this problem.

10) Mike Knox of ECW stole my gesture. I too have one arm weaker than the other; one arm goes up while the other just hangs there in mid-air. I can only do letter K poses whenever I attempt to pose in the shape of the letter X. Is Mike Knox mocking me?

11) My favourite gimmick bout in 2007 WWE is the Punjabi Prison Match. My mind rests easy with the knowledge that pandas all over the world are watching with envy. Take it and love it like one of your own, Bai Yun of the San Diego Zoo.

12) I am not a fan of the Irish Whip. It is a move that entails one wrestler holding the hand of another before running. It is as if the wrestler is asking his opponent, "Do you want to go on this romantical journey into the fields of ecstacy with me?" Every time the opponent gets whipped into the turnbuckle, I imagine that his answer is yes. Every time that the opponent refuses, I think that he is not ready for that kind of commitment yet.

13) I am so used to the WWE Spinner Championship that I find it difficult to appreciate pictures which feature previous non-spinning incarnations of the title belt. For instance, when I observe an image of the WWF Winged Eagle Belt, I spin my head around to trick my mind into believing that the faceplate is twirling too.

14) I am romantically involved with Bears Mahoney, also known as the stuffed animal that Balls Mahoney gave to Kelly Kelly as a gift. When The Miz punted Bears into the audience, it was the end of its WWE career. Why? To tell you the truth, we both asked for our releases from the company. We would not have been able to see each other while on separate brands (Bears was with ECW, I was with not-ECW.) This relationship will not work if we are kept apart.

15) HBK took my Halloween costume idea-- I too want to be a Texan Crocodile Dundee, especially if a Texan Crocodile Dundee wears knee braces under his jeans like Shawn does.

16) I am the Last Man Standing. How did I do it? I stood within a group of women only.

17) I got in a feud once. Good thing I was able to eat more pizza than that guy.

18) I plan to win the 2008 Royal Rumble. You can only be eliminated if both of your feet touch the ground. I'll saw off my feet by January. I'll be good to go.

19) Jimmy Wang Yang is my buoy. Turn my ship left? Yes-haw.

20) I saw a fisherman use a suplex to catch a fish once. It was not necessary. He splashed around in the water for ten months trying to catch that thing. Is he aware of the concept of bait?