WrestleMania XXVI is fast approaching. Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter are ready to take on the man with the debut of TNA Impact on Monday night. With all this excitement brewing in professional wrestling, I can't help but get caught in the madness. Like you, I would drown myself in the quality entertainment that wrestling promotions are about to provide, but I won‘t. Unlike you, I am most hyped about the biggest wrestling event of 2010: the first episode of Wrestlicious TakeDown.
You can have your Shawn Michaelses and your Undertakers. Go ahead and help yourself to those sweet, sweet Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff segments. While you enjoy your big league entertainment, the dawning of the age of Wrestlicious has arrived. You may look away today, but come tomorrow, you shall witness the uprising of the true wrestling juggernaut. Wrestling is about to become a tad more delicious than it previously was.
Did you know that Wrestlicious is an all-female wrestling promotion founded by Powerball Lottery winner JV Rich? I sure didn't (and I'm smart, too). Did you know that Wrestlicious is an all-female wrestling promotion founded by Powerball Lottery winner JV Rich, but not an open invitation to wrestle a guy from Des Moines, Iowa named Doug Licious? If you did know that, I'm not sure what to say to you. You're neat, I guess. You have superior sources of information.
Rich describes Wrestlicious TakeDown — the promotion's flagship show — as "The Man Show meets Hee Haw meets female wrestling." As a serious professional wrestling analyst, I can only assume that Wrestlicious is my cup and bag of tea. From the way he walks about Wrestlicious TakeDown, I think JV Rich has the next Monday Night RAW on his hands. Also, he has money. People with money know what they are doing.
This episode of Wrestlicious TakeDown is filmed before a taped studio audience. In this segment, JV Rich walks into his kitchen, accompanied by a blonde girl in a bikini. To his surprise, Jimmy Hart, more girls in bikinis, and a park ranger are helping him clean his dishes. Wealthy people don't have dishes, silly. Poor people feed them their food.
After Jimmy Hart jokes that Rich may ask him to clean his pool, Rich gives him that exact order. Another girl (Felony, also known as the former Peyton Banks of TNA) volunteers to do the job and runs away. The park ranger runs after her because Yogi Bear may be out there, wearing a porkpie hat. The park ranger has never seen porkpie hats in stores and wants one.
Fed up with Rich's demands, Hart leaves the kitchen and gives his apron to one of the girls. He doesn't need this. He's a Hall of Famer. Somebody get him his security megaphone.
What strikes me about this particular scene is that one of the girls is wearing reading glasses. These glasses must mean that she is the studious one, which is something to think about. She’s Simon if the other girls were The Chipmunks, or Jeanette if the other girls were The Chipettes.
Although this rap is godly, let's take a look at a summary of the song to save time.
- Toni The Top is Wrestlicious
- Glory is Wrestlicious
- Maui is Wrestlicious
- Draculetta is Wrestlicious
- Lacey Von Erich is Wrestlicious
- Kandi Kisses is Wrestlicious
- Jimmy's Angels is Wrestlicious
- Super Nova is Wrestlicious
- Cousin Cassie is Wrestlicious
- White Magic is Wrestlicious
- Malibu McKenzie is Wrestlicious
- Lil Slamm is Wrestlicious
- Shauna Na is Wrestlicious
- Boot Camp Bailey is Wrestlicious
- Leyla Milani is Wrestlicious
- JV Rich is Wrestliicious
I find it funny that all these Wrestlicious girls found themselves in a wrestling promotion called Wrestlicious. What are the odds? Sadly, this song has informed me of a truth that I never wanted to uncover. If you don't want to discover this truth for yourself, stop reading now.
With the heaviest of hearts, I must relay the news that Jimmy Hart is not Wrestlicious. I know we thought he was at first, but did we ever know the real James Hart? No.
If you like hot girls in action and sexy women who like to get rough, you love sexually suggestive, professional wrestling programs. Furthermore, you have come to the right place. Welcome to Wrestlicious TakeDown: the hottest wrestling entertainment today. More action, more variety, more stiff, choreographed dance moves. Most of all, less clothing than any other wrestling show if you don't count those other times when two men go at each other wearing spandex briefs.
Everyone knows that there's nothing like a good TakeDown. I agree, play-by-play announcer. I cannot compare Wrestlicious TakeDown to any specific person, place, or thing. With that said, many persons, places, and things are like a bad TakeDown.
Wrestlicious TakeDown is brought to you by the Horny Goat Brewing Company. Tap that. Even though I personally wouldn't depend on sexually aroused goats to brew quality beer, I urge you to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are able to channel their sexual arousal into brewing quality beer somehow. This method would be similar to how athletes abstain from intercourse in order to enhance their athletic performance.
Johnny C enters the Wrestlicious locker room while the ladies are busy sitting on a folded chair, meditating on a bench, getting dressed on a bench, and being Hawaiian. While Johnny tries to welcome the girls to the company, they walk away from him. Despite Johnny C blocking the doorway, they managed to exit the locker room anyway. I am impressed.
Kandi Kisses bumps into Johnny in the midst of rocking out to her new single. Bumping into people while rocking out happens to the best of us. Last week, I was rocking out to my new single, which is entitled "Bumping Into Johnny C." After listening to Kandi's song, Johnny quips that she's going to sell millions of earplugs. In response, Kandi punches him in the balls and calls him a loser. That reaction just cost you a sale, Kandi. You're going to sell nine-hundred, ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine earplugs now.
Apparently, Johnny C doubles as a producer and ring announcer. With his schedule, you might think that he wouldn't have time to forgive Kandi Kisses for punching him in the balls and calling him a loser. Well, prepare to cook an egg on your face because Johnny C is announcing Kandi's entrance into the ring. Kandi is accompanied by The Gumdrops. Wait a second. She stole Johnny C's backup dancers. Hell: it must be paid in full.
The play-by-play man tells us that Kandi considers herself to be the Britney Spears of wrestling. If Kandi is the Britney Spears of wrestling, Jillian Hall must be the Christina Aguilera of wrestling. And if Jillian Hall is the Christina Aguilera of wrestling, I must be the Jennifer Paige of wrestling. You'll get the reference soon enough.
Kandi's performance is one for the ages. Even the wrestling audience is digging it, and they weren't even paid to be there. You dropkicked Kandi right from the start. When you slammed her, you broke her heart. Coincidentally, dropkicking, slamming and powerbombing Kandi Kisses results in a lip-synched, Ashlee Simpson-esque disaster. The Gumdrops forcibly escort Kandi out of the ring, which is too bad for me. I wanted to know what other wrestling moves were executed on her heart. I need to learn some counters.
Autumn Frost is a "Stone Cold Stunner," meaning that she is the female incarnation of a three-quarter face-lock jawbreaker. Out of all the finishers, she is definitely one of the most attractive. The dragon screw leg whip is lava hot, though. Frost displays her attractiveness in a video shoot on the beach. Meanwhile, my downstairs region is nonsensically tumbling and flipping all over the place, like The Rock after taking the Stone Cold Stunner.
In my opinion, Toni The Top should make up her mind. Is she "The Top," or "The Goddaughter"? I want a definitive answer. Also, I think the ring announcer should make up his mind, too. Does he believe Maui to be an island princess, or a beautiful princess? The difference is clear. One princess is beautiful. The other princess is beautiful, but surrounded by water.
In this lengthy match that lasts almost one minute, Toni The Top wins with a scoop slam piledriver called "The Sleeps With The Fishes." I thought Maui could have won this match, but after Toni whipped her into one set of ropes, Maui teleported to the other set of ropes. Unnecessary teleportation doesn't win matches.
At Dr. Gross' office, Cousin Cassie thinks that she may need glasses. Although he is wearing glasses, Gross says that he doesn't believe in them. When Cassie asks why, Dr. Gross says that he drinks straight out of the bottle. I don't get it. Oh, he means drink glasses? I don't believe in drinking from glasses either. I drink from one glass, but not several. If you need to drink that much liquid, get a larger glass. Dr. Gross is right.
Next, we are brought to Bandita's Cantina. A middle-aged man waits at his table and calls for Bandita, who is billed as a spicy Latina. I've never tried Bandita before, so I cannot confirm her spiciness. The man asks Bandita if she has a roach problem. In response, Bandita says that the rats ate all the roaches. That's not sanitary.
Maria Toro: The Bull Fighter, Bandita: Tijuana's Finest, and Felony: On Work Release w/ Park Ranger/Officer Bubba vs. Tyler Texas: The
Rowdy Cowgirl, Cousin Cassie: Down-home Honey, and Charlotte: The Southern Belle
Cousin Cassie and Bandita start off the match because they are the future of women's wrestling. The play-by-by man claims that Cassie is always milking cows. When she walks by, you can smell the fresh “dairy air.” She should stop smelling like milk if Wrestlicious wants young men to like her butt. Cassie's offense consist of three hair mares, one clothesline, one kick to the stomach, and one turnbuckle thrust. Bandita's offense is highlighted by a hip toss and a double leg drop before both girls go down from a double clothesline. Cassie's cow milking and Bandita's rats did not factor into their offense at all. I am disappointed.
Once Felony and Tyler Texas tag into the match, they wrestle in a more professional manner. Off the ropes, Maria Toro pulls Tyler down by the hair. As Charlotte enters the ring to argue with the official, Toro, Bandita, and Felony triple-team Tyler in the corner. The last time three girls triple-teamed me in the corner, two of them ended up pregnant. I don't think I'm the father of either kid. I can't explain it. I just have a feeling. By the way, the third girl turned into a dinosaur.
At one point, Felony tries to escape from the arena, but Park Ranger/Officer Bubba points back to the ring. As a park ranger/officer, Bubba is fairly lenient. I bet he lets Felony get away with lots of things, such as eating meat during Lent.
Moments later, Maria Toro and Felony tag in and out, helping each other beat down Tyler. Fed up with the team's triple teams and sneak attacks, Cassie and Charlotte run at the threesome, only for the referee to hold them back. After Tyler bounces off the ropes with a running facebuster, she tags in Charlotte.
In her baby doll dress, Charlotte sets up Felony for the Confederate Crush. This move appears to be some sort of DDT that requires Charlotte to stand like a flamingo. As Bandita distracts the referee, Maria Toro interferes and gives Charlotte the Bull Run (Fisherman's DDT). Felony pins Charlotte for the win, but is not happy to return to jail. They don't sell porkpie hats in jail.
Wrestlicious is Wrestlicious
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