WrestleMania XXVI is billed as "The Destruction in the Desert." While that tagline promotes the drama and suspense to come, let me tell you right now that this year’s event will not self-destruct. In fact, I predict that WrestleMania XXVI will be an astounding success. After the Pay-Per-View, the wrestling gods will look kindly upon Phoenix, Arizona and shower the city with water. This rainfall will flood Phoenix and cause long-term destruction of a different kind, but think about all the surfing we will do. Think about all the tens we will be hanging.
Unlike last year's WrestleMania, I don't want WrestleMania XXVI's card to change. When I look at the WrestleMania XXVI card, I see a pleasing cornucopia of professional wrestling delights. Not only do you have a rematch between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker that is sure to be a classic, you have the WrestleMania return of Bret Hart. I assume Bret won't be the same wrestler he was in the 90s, but he still has the knack for destroying television equipment. I want to see him destroy television equipment on the biggest stage of them all. I hate sturdy television equipment.
Over the next few weeks, I will preview WrestleMania XXVI to the point in which WrestleMania XXVI will feel uncomfortable in my presence. Whenever WrestleMania XXVI and I use the same elevator, WrestleMania XXVI will stare at the elevator doors for the entire duration of the trip. I can't help but check out WrestleMania XXVI in this thorough way. Maybe WrestleMania XXVI shouldn't wear such low cut tops.
At WrestleMania XXVI, history will be made. In addition to the production of history, will money be made? World Wrestling Entertainment and I are somewhat strongly optimistic at the moneymaking possibilities.
The Miz & The Big Show (c) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
Two Sundays from now, two tag teams will fight for titles and immortality. On a scale of 1 to 10, the importance of winning titles is a 9. On that same scale, the importance of gaining immortality is a 3 because you can't wear immortality around your waist. Nevertheless, WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. If neither team proves to be immortal, what is the meaning of WrestleMania anyway? A Pay-Per-View with lights on the ramp that weren‘t there last week? That's not right.
This match is a chance for each WWE Superstar to cement their name in greatness. Prior to his breakout run, The Miz was nothing more than a douche-y joke. At WrestleMania, he will get the chance to prove to the world that the joke is on us. John Morrison may be the Shaman of Sexy, but I remember Johnny Spade and Johnny Blaze. At WrestleMania, John Morrison can make us forget about Johnny Spade and Blaze. Also, R-Truth is cool and all, but what about K-Kwik? At WrestleMania, he can win our hearts by moving some thangs while gettin' rowdy. As for The Big Show, he doesn't need to prove anything. He's big. It says so in his name.
- John Morrison & R-Truth have proven to be a formidable duo, defeating the mighty tandems of Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty to gain a shot at ShoMiz at WrestleMania. Without question, expect John Morrison & R-Truth to have the advantage in this match because beating Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty is like winning two sets of unified championships.
- In fits of uncontrollable rage, The Big Show enjoys knocking out mechanical bulls. If John Morrison & R-Truth decide to use mechanical bulls in their match, they will be sorry.
- By placing various mementos of Chris Jericho around the ring, John Morrison & R-Truth will be able to distract The Big Show from winning the match. All those mementos will do is remind Show of Jericho's smell: lilac with a touch of public drunkenness.
- The likelihood of this contest turning into a Lumberjack Match is quite high, what with the fact that the International Lumberjack Convention will be held at the Phoenix Convention Center — the same location where WrestleMania Axxess will take place. At the International Lumberjack Convention, no tree is safe, no flannel shirt will be unworn, and no puddle will be left uncleaned by a paper towel.
Finally, the wait is over. Since November 9, 1997, wrestling fans around the world have clamoured to see a match between long-time adversaries Bret "The Hitman" Hart and Shawn Michaels. Realizing that the match will not happen, wrestling fans are happy to settle with a bout between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon. You see, Vince McMahon claims that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, but how could Bret screw himself? As far as I know, he doesn't even find himself that physically attractive. He prefers Italian women and maybe Gail Kim. Most likely, Vince McMahon is not telling the truth.
Although the worst day of his life was definitely the day that a random blonde woman drove into Bret Hart's leg, November 9, 1997 still hurts. Hopefully for Bret, March 28, 2010 will be the day that he heals those painful wounds. Specifically, I want Bret to heal the wound of that woman driving into his leg. I can't speak for Bret, but I think that event was the most traumatic for him. He thought he was going to enjoy a fancy limousine ride, then bam. Car into leg.
- Even though he is not a trained professional wrestler, Vince McMahon always shows up for his WrestleMania matches. I am almost 100% certain that he will show up for this match, partly because he is scheduled to face Bret Hart.
- In a recent poll conducted by The Swerved, 100% of people did not answer the phone. This result must mean that wrestling fans are too busy anticipating this match, having little to no spare time to participate in the poll.
- Coming into this match, Vince does not know that Bret is faking his leg injury. In turn, Bret does not know that Vince has faked not having a leg injury for the entire feud, despite Bret seeing Mr. McMahon walk around with his invisible cane on a recent episode of Monday Night RAW.
- Vince McMahon will attempt to put Bret Hart in the Sharpshooter. After realizing that he is not Canadian and is not legally obligated to use the Sharpshooter, he will stop trying to do it.
In a WrestleMania first, Sheamus will take the stage — which is grander than most wrestling-related stages — and face "The Game." Sheamus should be ready to take on Triple H at WrestleMania, but I have my doubts. For one, Sheamus has never faced Triple H before. A very small percentage of individuals experience epileptic seizures or blackouts upon exposure to certain light patterns or flashing lights when facing "The Game." Is Sheamus in that very small percentage?
On the other hand, Triple H is a WrestleMania veteran, but he is not the same man he was before. This is 2010. Today, Triple H is a husband, a father of two beautiful children, and a father of one child of indeterminate beauty. One would believe that Hunter would play safe in order to wrestle another day, but this is Triple H. He never goes anywhere without a Visa and a sledgehammer. Are credit cards and sledgehammers enough to take down Sheamus? At WrestleMania XXVI, we shall know for sure.
- Triple H claims that winning a match at WrestleMania makes you a legend, whereas a loss brings about a future of mediocrity and obscurity. If Sheamus defeats Triple H at WrestleMania, we may never hear from Hunter again.
- At the Elimination Chamber, Triple H cost Sheamus the WWE Championship. Without a chamber to eliminate Sheamus from, Triple H must defeat "The Celtic Warrior" using one of two methods. First, Hunter can cover the ring and ringside area in white cloth. As Sheamus camouflages himself, all Triple H has to do is look for the section of the ring or ringside area that is sporting red-orange hair. In place of the first idea, Hunter can cover the ring and ringside area in black cloth to give Sheamus zero places to hide.
- Look for Triple H to sport his annual WrestleMania tan, creating a leathery complexion rivalled by none. Being that WrestleMania XXVI is Sheamus's first WrestleMania, he will confuse Triple H with a leather jacket and try to wear him. At this point, fans will see crucifix pins aplenty.
- Sheamus is white. How white is he? Sheamus is so white that in preparation for a WrestleMania match with Triple H, he washes himself with Gain laundry detergent, then watches a rerun of Frasier.
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge
Before Chris Jericho and Edge were rivals, they were the first ever WWE Unified Tag Team Champions. As cliché as it may sound, the duo was on top of the world, meaning that they decided to move their tag team headquarters to somewhere in the Arctic Circle. Sadly, those good times wouldn't last.
After suffering a torn Achilles tendon during their summer title run, Jericho threw the injured Edge to the waste side and took on The Big Show as his new partner. As Jericho and Show ruled WWE, a recovering Edge vowed to seek vengeance upon his former ally. Why wait for the WrestleMania Revenge Tour — a tour in which WrestleMania gains retribution for an Achilles tendon injury caused by WWE Elimination Chamber — when the R-Rated Superstar can get his revenge at WrestleMania XXVI?
- Edge's Royal Rumble victory this past January is proof that he is the master of the battle royal. Although his match with Jericho is not a battle royal, the majority of Edge’s offense will consist of tossing his opponent over the top rope in a sneaky manner.
- Jericho's sarcastic chant of "Spear, Spear, Spear!" on Friday Night Smackdown was not aimed at his WrestleMania opponent, but was a way to summon the powers of Britney Spears (wind), Jamie Lynn Spears (earth), and former Mad TV cast member Aries Spears (fire) for the Pay-Per-View.
- The JeriTron 6000 houses the restless spirit of the JeriTron 3000. I don't even know if Edge has a high definition television, let alone one with the spirit of another inside it. Advantage: Jericho.
- Towards the end of the match, Edge will attempt to spear Jericho once more, only for Jericho to sidestep the move and hit him in the head with the World Heavyweight Championship. To Jericho’s dismay, Edge replaced the title belt with a chocolate replica. To Edge’s dismay, he will still knock himself unconscious, but the top of his head will smell like chocolate.
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