IN TWO WEEKS
So this is what it's like when WrestleMania XXVI cries.
AND
Let's say I'm finished with my Schweppes.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wrestling in Video Games: Big American Bourne
IN TWO WEEKS
So this is what it's like when WrestleMania XXVI cries.
AND
Let's say I'm finished with my Schweppes.
Two Six: Part 2
Passion. Power. Glamour. Grandeur. These four words describe the annual Pay-Per-View extravaganza known as WrestleMania, or a large washing machine dressed as Chiquita Banana. Whether you love WrestleMania or not, this event is the Super Bowl of wrestling. One time each year, millions of wrestling fans flock to local bars, bistros, and Chuck E. Cheeses to watch the Pay-Per-View. They may not know most of the wrestlers on the card, or know about who is feuding with whom, but they pay attention for a little less than four hours. That's a lot of hours.
This year's WrestleMania should not disappoint, what with eight, well-built, enthralling matches to round out a tremendous card. The destruction of The Legacy will be a three-tier wrestling cake of deliciousness. John Cena and Batista's match will fill up your brawling quota for the next five years. Unlike the fifth installment of Money in the Bank, the sixth Money in the Bank Ladder Match will have an extra guy. If I have counted correctly, nine guys is more than eight guys. Putting more guys into the match automatically makes the match better than last year. And let us not forget about The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. The Undertaker could very well end Michaels' career on Sunday night, but then again, he could not if he loses.
Before we lose ourselves in the pageantry of WrestleMania XXVI, let us toast the WWE and its talent for what is sure to be a grand old time. So far, WWE has produced many great WrestleManias, some decent WrestleManias, a few bad WrestleManias. On behalf of the internet wrestling community, good luck, WWE. I am certain that you will improve your record from 13-8-4 to 14-8-4.
As of this writing, some matches at WrestleMania XXVI have not been finalized. Therefore, this preview will have a few omissions. Matches that have not yet been included on the card are CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio, a WWE Divas Lumberjill Match, and an annual, pre-show battle royal involving people fighting for nothing. Furthermore, Kid Rock has not confirmed his one-hour long appearance in which he takes us back to the nostalgic year of 1999.
Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Cody Rhodes
At one time, The Legacy was the most dominant stable in World Wrestling Entertainment, mostly because they were the only stable in the company. Regardless, they were born better. Now that The Legacy are no more, who is truly the one born the “betterest”? Is it Ted DiBiase with his million-dollar personality, or is it Cody Rhodes with Ted DiBiase's million-dollar personality? Even though he must take on two men, could it be Randy Orton? Well, he doesn't have Ted DiBiase's million-dollar personality. I doubt it.
As their theme song used to say, it is a new day (for all three gentlemen). Finally, Randy Orton can stop teaching DiBiase and Rhodes about the fine art of looking to the right/camera left with a scowl. From this point forward, Ted DiBiase can instantly walk into any room where two people just had a conversation without being detected. And last but sort of least, Cody Rhodes will have the freedom to try out an androgynous computer technician gimmick known as Codedust.
- It is in Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes' best interest that they refrain from kidnapping Ted DiBiase's wife at an exotic, tropical locale. Although, the temptation will always be there.
- As of late, Michael Cole has called Randy Orton "The Apex Predator." If Rhodes and DiBiase wish to defeat him, they must learn the ways of a certain endoparasitoid extraterrestrial species. In other words, they must become apex aliens.
- Borrowing elements from Kofi Kingston's wrestling style, Rhodes and DiBiase will evade the punt and the RKO by missing their cues by several seconds.
- Randy Orton will psyche out his opponents by wearing pants. Cody and Ted will be taken completely off guard. Cody will try to psyche out Orton by wearing kneepads, but Randy won't look down there. Psyche out avoided.
Christian vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Jack Swagger vs. MVP vs. Kane vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne vs. Dolph Ziggler
When I was a little boy, I dreamed of becoming a professional wrestler. That way, I could compete at WrestleMania. I did not dream of wrestling in the main event, nor did I picture myself fighting for a world title. All that I wanted to do was climb a ladder with a bunch of other guys, land back and neck first from high places onto hard places, and look at a hanging briefcase. Although that dream never came true for me, I am glad that the current crop of WWE Superstars get to live it out for themselves. They are the lucky ones. They are the Money in the Bank Ladder Match competitors.
In the past few years, the Money in the Bank Ladder Match has become a WrestleMania staple. With that said, WWE are reaching for their staple remover. I urge you to enjoy this match while you can. This time next year, we may not get the privilege to see it again. World Wrestling Entertainment might have to find something else for their wrestlers to do instead. Perhaps they could feud with each other in a meaningful and productive way. Like all wrestling fans, I want anything but that.
- In addition to the briefcase, the winner of Money in the Bank 6 will get the opportunity to point to the WWE Extreme Rules logo hanging in the rafters of the University of Phoenix Stadium.
- Shelton Benjamin has competed in every Money in the Bank Ladder Match except one (Money in the Bank 3 at WrestleMania 23). Will WrestleMania 26 be different for Mr. Benjamin? No. He is allergic to ladders, which is why he keeps flipping and falling off of them.
- Drew McIntyre, Evan Bourne, Dolph Ziggler, and Jack Swagger will be making their WrestleMania debut. They will spend the majority of the match punching one another in the ringside area — a Money in the Bank tradition.
- Moves expected to be done off a ladder include: Evan Bourne's Shooting Star Press, Christian's Killswitch, Kane's Chokeslam, Matt Hardy's Side Effect, and MVP's career stagnation.
Batista (c) vs. John Cena
As WWE claims, Batista and John Cena's careers have mirrored each other. Not only did they debut in the same year (2002), they became champions for the first time at the same WrestleMania (WrestleMania 21). Also, I think both men had relations with a fat girl on a dare, but for some reason, WWE does not want you to know that part of their history. With their numerous similarities, you might think that Batista and John Cena would be buddies. Judging from this year's WrestleMania build-up, they are probably not buddies. I almost want to say they are enemies.
Batista's recent attacks on Cena have been fuelled by jealousy, envy, and hatred. At WrestleMania XXVI, Cena's attack on Batista will be fuelled by hustle, loyalty, and respect. As I look at these competitors' sources of energy, I must admit that they are both using questionable forms of fuel. I would use gasoline or coal, but I'm not wrestling in the match.
- The battle of the two biggest stars since the WWF Attitude Era will be rather mediocre, at least until the third biggest star since the WWF Attitude Era enters himself in the match. Once the battle becomes a three-way dance, Batista, John Cena, and Kenzo Suzuki will tear the house down.
- Batista's popped collar will hinder his aerodynamic efficiency throughout the bout. Ultimately, his decision to cut off the popped collar from his shirt and wear it for the match will be unwise.
- John Cena's WrestleMania XXVI entrance will be the highlight of the event. He will ride to the ring on a coyote made of elderly people. In comparison, Batista will only ride one elderly person, who won't look like a coyote at all.
- Batista will take time out of the match to do his famous "Thumbs Down" gesture. Wrestling fans will think that Batista is signalling for the Batista Bomb, but he will be expressing his opinion of the film When in Rome instead. He should have watched Dear John, which had drama and a heart.
The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Shawn Michaels' undying obsession to defeat The Undertaker at WrestleMania has led to an eventual, yet exciting rematch. Boys and girls; I hope that Michaels' quest to defeat The Undertaker at WrestleMania has taught you that if you want something, do whatever it takes to get it — even if it means super kicking your best friend Triple H. As for you men and women out there, I hope that Michaels' journey to defeat The Undertaker at WrestleMania has taught you in a similar way. If you want something, make the production crew create snazzy hype videos about your desire to have that something until you get it — even if it means super kicking your best friend Triple H.
At WrestleMania, "The Deadman" will face "The Showstopper." This Sunday, "The Phenom" will take on "The Icon." In Phoenix, Arizona, "The Undertaker" will be up against "The Heartbreak Kid." On March 28, “The Undertaker” will wrestle “Mr. WrestleMania.” I'm sorry, The Undertaker, but Shawn Michaels wins this round, four monikers to two. Your name doesn't count as a moniker, unless you give me your legal, undertaking name. Is it Carlos Pendergrass? How close am I?
- During the Pay-Per-View, Shawn Michaels will attempt to equal the Undertaker's WrestleMania winning streak by putting Mark Henry in a casket seventeen times.
- Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker will counter each other's Tombstone attempts all the way out of the ring, arena, and city. As they embark on their journey, onlookers will say, "I'm glad those circus performers found love."
- The competitor who spends the least time desperately covering his bald spots and receding hairline will have the advantage in this match. As for the other competitor, he will continue to keep up the appearance that he is three months younger than he actually is.
- With the Elimination Chamber in Shawn Michaels' corner, The Undertaker will have the casket that broke Shawn Michaels' back in his corner. Unbeknownst to The Undertaker, the casket recently became a born-again Christian. Also, he has prayer meetings on Sundays and needs to leave early.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wrestling in Video Games: Mood Swing
NEXT WEEK
I was myself for the 2005 Diva Search. I don't know how to be myself now. It's been too long. Leave me alone.
AND
When can I start eating hard cheeses again?
Two Six: Part 1
WrestleMania XXVI is billed as "The Destruction in the Desert." While that tagline promotes the drama and suspense to come, let me tell you right now that this year’s event will not self-destruct. In fact, I predict that WrestleMania XXVI will be an astounding success. After the Pay-Per-View, the wrestling gods will look kindly upon Phoenix, Arizona and shower the city with water. This rainfall will flood Phoenix and cause long-term destruction of a different kind, but think about all the surfing we will do. Think about all the tens we will be hanging.
Unlike last year's WrestleMania, I don't want WrestleMania XXVI's card to change. When I look at the WrestleMania XXVI card, I see a pleasing cornucopia of professional wrestling delights. Not only do you have a rematch between Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker that is sure to be a classic, you have the WrestleMania return of Bret Hart. I assume Bret won't be the same wrestler he was in the 90s, but he still has the knack for destroying television equipment. I want to see him destroy television equipment on the biggest stage of them all. I hate sturdy television equipment.
Over the next few weeks, I will preview WrestleMania XXVI to the point in which WrestleMania XXVI will feel uncomfortable in my presence. Whenever WrestleMania XXVI and I use the same elevator, WrestleMania XXVI will stare at the elevator doors for the entire duration of the trip. I can't help but check out WrestleMania XXVI in this thorough way. Maybe WrestleMania XXVI shouldn't wear such low cut tops.
At WrestleMania XXVI, history will be made. In addition to the production of history, will money be made? World Wrestling Entertainment and I are somewhat strongly optimistic at the moneymaking possibilities.
The Miz & The Big Show (c) vs. John Morrison and R-Truth
Two Sundays from now, two tag teams will fight for titles and immortality. On a scale of 1 to 10, the importance of winning titles is a 9. On that same scale, the importance of gaining immortality is a 3 because you can't wear immortality around your waist. Nevertheless, WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. If neither team proves to be immortal, what is the meaning of WrestleMania anyway? A Pay-Per-View with lights on the ramp that weren‘t there last week? That's not right.
This match is a chance for each WWE Superstar to cement their name in greatness. Prior to his breakout run, The Miz was nothing more than a douche-y joke. At WrestleMania, he will get the chance to prove to the world that the joke is on us. John Morrison may be the Shaman of Sexy, but I remember Johnny Spade and Johnny Blaze. At WrestleMania, John Morrison can make us forget about Johnny Spade and Blaze. Also, R-Truth is cool and all, but what about K-Kwik? At WrestleMania, he can win our hearts by moving some thangs while gettin' rowdy. As for The Big Show, he doesn't need to prove anything. He's big. It says so in his name.
- John Morrison & R-Truth have proven to be a formidable duo, defeating the mighty tandems of Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty to gain a shot at ShoMiz at WrestleMania. Without question, expect John Morrison & R-Truth to have the advantage in this match because beating Cryme Tyme and The Hart Dynasty is like winning two sets of unified championships.
- In fits of uncontrollable rage, The Big Show enjoys knocking out mechanical bulls. If John Morrison & R-Truth decide to use mechanical bulls in their match, they will be sorry.
- By placing various mementos of Chris Jericho around the ring, John Morrison & R-Truth will be able to distract The Big Show from winning the match. All those mementos will do is remind Show of Jericho's smell: lilac with a touch of public drunkenness.
- The likelihood of this contest turning into a Lumberjack Match is quite high, what with the fact that the International Lumberjack Convention will be held at the Phoenix Convention Center — the same location where WrestleMania Axxess will take place. At the International Lumberjack Convention, no tree is safe, no flannel shirt will be unworn, and no puddle will be left uncleaned by a paper towel.
Finally, the wait is over. Since November 9, 1997, wrestling fans around the world have clamoured to see a match between long-time adversaries Bret "The Hitman" Hart and Shawn Michaels. Realizing that the match will not happen, wrestling fans are happy to settle with a bout between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon. You see, Vince McMahon claims that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, but how could Bret screw himself? As far as I know, he doesn't even find himself that physically attractive. He prefers Italian women and maybe Gail Kim. Most likely, Vince McMahon is not telling the truth.
Although the worst day of his life was definitely the day that a random blonde woman drove into Bret Hart's leg, November 9, 1997 still hurts. Hopefully for Bret, March 28, 2010 will be the day that he heals those painful wounds. Specifically, I want Bret to heal the wound of that woman driving into his leg. I can't speak for Bret, but I think that event was the most traumatic for him. He thought he was going to enjoy a fancy limousine ride, then bam. Car into leg.
- Even though he is not a trained professional wrestler, Vince McMahon always shows up for his WrestleMania matches. I am almost 100% certain that he will show up for this match, partly because he is scheduled to face Bret Hart.
- In a recent poll conducted by The Swerved, 100% of people did not answer the phone. This result must mean that wrestling fans are too busy anticipating this match, having little to no spare time to participate in the poll.
- Coming into this match, Vince does not know that Bret is faking his leg injury. In turn, Bret does not know that Vince has faked not having a leg injury for the entire feud, despite Bret seeing Mr. McMahon walk around with his invisible cane on a recent episode of Monday Night RAW.
- Vince McMahon will attempt to put Bret Hart in the Sharpshooter. After realizing that he is not Canadian and is not legally obligated to use the Sharpshooter, he will stop trying to do it.
In a WrestleMania first, Sheamus will take the stage — which is grander than most wrestling-related stages — and face "The Game." Sheamus should be ready to take on Triple H at WrestleMania, but I have my doubts. For one, Sheamus has never faced Triple H before. A very small percentage of individuals experience epileptic seizures or blackouts upon exposure to certain light patterns or flashing lights when facing "The Game." Is Sheamus in that very small percentage?
On the other hand, Triple H is a WrestleMania veteran, but he is not the same man he was before. This is 2010. Today, Triple H is a husband, a father of two beautiful children, and a father of one child of indeterminate beauty. One would believe that Hunter would play safe in order to wrestle another day, but this is Triple H. He never goes anywhere without a Visa and a sledgehammer. Are credit cards and sledgehammers enough to take down Sheamus? At WrestleMania XXVI, we shall know for sure.
- Triple H claims that winning a match at WrestleMania makes you a legend, whereas a loss brings about a future of mediocrity and obscurity. If Sheamus defeats Triple H at WrestleMania, we may never hear from Hunter again.
- At the Elimination Chamber, Triple H cost Sheamus the WWE Championship. Without a chamber to eliminate Sheamus from, Triple H must defeat "The Celtic Warrior" using one of two methods. First, Hunter can cover the ring and ringside area in white cloth. As Sheamus camouflages himself, all Triple H has to do is look for the section of the ring or ringside area that is sporting red-orange hair. In place of the first idea, Hunter can cover the ring and ringside area in black cloth to give Sheamus zero places to hide.
- Look for Triple H to sport his annual WrestleMania tan, creating a leathery complexion rivalled by none. Being that WrestleMania XXVI is Sheamus's first WrestleMania, he will confuse Triple H with a leather jacket and try to wear him. At this point, fans will see crucifix pins aplenty.
- Sheamus is white. How white is he? Sheamus is so white that in preparation for a WrestleMania match with Triple H, he washes himself with Gain laundry detergent, then watches a rerun of Frasier.
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge
Before Chris Jericho and Edge were rivals, they were the first ever WWE Unified Tag Team Champions. As cliché as it may sound, the duo was on top of the world, meaning that they decided to move their tag team headquarters to somewhere in the Arctic Circle. Sadly, those good times wouldn't last.
After suffering a torn Achilles tendon during their summer title run, Jericho threw the injured Edge to the waste side and took on The Big Show as his new partner. As Jericho and Show ruled WWE, a recovering Edge vowed to seek vengeance upon his former ally. Why wait for the WrestleMania Revenge Tour — a tour in which WrestleMania gains retribution for an Achilles tendon injury caused by WWE Elimination Chamber — when the R-Rated Superstar can get his revenge at WrestleMania XXVI?
- Edge's Royal Rumble victory this past January is proof that he is the master of the battle royal. Although his match with Jericho is not a battle royal, the majority of Edge’s offense will consist of tossing his opponent over the top rope in a sneaky manner.
- Jericho's sarcastic chant of "Spear, Spear, Spear!" on Friday Night Smackdown was not aimed at his WrestleMania opponent, but was a way to summon the powers of Britney Spears (wind), Jamie Lynn Spears (earth), and former Mad TV cast member Aries Spears (fire) for the Pay-Per-View.
- The JeriTron 6000 houses the restless spirit of the JeriTron 3000. I don't even know if Edge has a high definition television, let alone one with the spirit of another inside it. Advantage: Jericho.
- Towards the end of the match, Edge will attempt to spear Jericho once more, only for Jericho to sidestep the move and hit him in the head with the World Heavyweight Championship. To Jericho’s dismay, Edge replaced the title belt with a chocolate replica. To Edge’s dismay, he will still knock himself unconscious, but the top of his head will smell like chocolate.
Monday, March 08, 2010
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 86th
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation vs. CSI: Miami vs. CSI: New York
We'll be investigating crime scenes
Reviewing evidence with technologically impossible machines
And the suspects whom we interrogate will be comically shifty
And the people who watch our show
Sit in sofas and get in the know
They can wear cool sunglasses if they major in forensic science
You'll change the channel to that new CSI
While recording a rerun of that other CSI
You'll see that preview of another CSI
You'll be in your living room to stay
You'll watch CBS all day
The network has all those NCISes anyway
But somebody get us a larger chamber
The seasons, there have been many
The spinoffs, there have been plenty
But you can't get enough of David Caruso
His character is Horatio Caine
Horatio is a super awesome name
But don't forget about Marg and Gary Sinise (they're okay, too)
You'll change the channel to that new CSI
While recording a rerun of that other CSI
You'll see that preview of another CSI
You'll be in your living room to stay
You'll watch CBS all day
The network has all those NCISes anyway
But somebody get us a larger chamber
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
The Swerved invades Monday nights. Job done about three and a half years ago.
AND
I only understand about 20% of what goes on around here.
Wrestlicious Things
WrestleMania XXVI is fast approaching. Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter are ready to take on the man with the debut of TNA Impact on Monday night. With all this excitement brewing in professional wrestling, I can't help but get caught in the madness. Like you, I would drown myself in the quality entertainment that wrestling promotions are about to provide, but I won‘t. Unlike you, I am most hyped about the biggest wrestling event of 2010: the first episode of Wrestlicious TakeDown.
You can have your Shawn Michaelses and your Undertakers. Go ahead and help yourself to those sweet, sweet Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff segments. While you enjoy your big league entertainment, the dawning of the age of Wrestlicious has arrived. You may look away today, but come tomorrow, you shall witness the uprising of the true wrestling juggernaut. Wrestling is about to become a tad more delicious than it previously was.
Did you know that Wrestlicious is an all-female wrestling promotion founded by Powerball Lottery winner JV Rich? I sure didn't (and I'm smart, too). Did you know that Wrestlicious is an all-female wrestling promotion founded by Powerball Lottery winner JV Rich, but not an open invitation to wrestle a guy from Des Moines, Iowa named Doug Licious? If you did know that, I'm not sure what to say to you. You're neat, I guess. You have superior sources of information.
Rich describes Wrestlicious TakeDown — the promotion's flagship show — as "The Man Show meets Hee Haw meets female wrestling." As a serious professional wrestling analyst, I can only assume that Wrestlicious is my cup and bag of tea. From the way he walks about Wrestlicious TakeDown, I think JV Rich has the next Monday Night RAW on his hands. Also, he has money. People with money know what they are doing.
This episode of Wrestlicious TakeDown is filmed before a taped studio audience. In this segment, JV Rich walks into his kitchen, accompanied by a blonde girl in a bikini. To his surprise, Jimmy Hart, more girls in bikinis, and a park ranger are helping him clean his dishes. Wealthy people don't have dishes, silly. Poor people feed them their food.
After Jimmy Hart jokes that Rich may ask him to clean his pool, Rich gives him that exact order. Another girl (Felony, also known as the former Peyton Banks of TNA) volunteers to do the job and runs away. The park ranger runs after her because Yogi Bear may be out there, wearing a porkpie hat. The park ranger has never seen porkpie hats in stores and wants one.
Fed up with Rich's demands, Hart leaves the kitchen and gives his apron to one of the girls. He doesn't need this. He's a Hall of Famer. Somebody get him his security megaphone.
What strikes me about this particular scene is that one of the girls is wearing reading glasses. These glasses must mean that she is the studious one, which is something to think about. She’s Simon if the other girls were The Chipmunks, or Jeanette if the other girls were The Chipettes.
Although this rap is godly, let's take a look at a summary of the song to save time.
- Toni The Top is Wrestlicious
- Glory is Wrestlicious
- Maui is Wrestlicious
- Draculetta is Wrestlicious
- Lacey Von Erich is Wrestlicious
- Kandi Kisses is Wrestlicious
- Jimmy's Angels is Wrestlicious
- Super Nova is Wrestlicious
- Cousin Cassie is Wrestlicious
- White Magic is Wrestlicious
- Malibu McKenzie is Wrestlicious
- Lil Slamm is Wrestlicious
- Shauna Na is Wrestlicious
- Boot Camp Bailey is Wrestlicious
- Leyla Milani is Wrestlicious
- JV Rich is Wrestliicious
I find it funny that all these Wrestlicious girls found themselves in a wrestling promotion called Wrestlicious. What are the odds? Sadly, this song has informed me of a truth that I never wanted to uncover. If you don't want to discover this truth for yourself, stop reading now.
With the heaviest of hearts, I must relay the news that Jimmy Hart is not Wrestlicious. I know we thought he was at first, but did we ever know the real James Hart? No.
If you like hot girls in action and sexy women who like to get rough, you love sexually suggestive, professional wrestling programs. Furthermore, you have come to the right place. Welcome to Wrestlicious TakeDown: the hottest wrestling entertainment today. More action, more variety, more stiff, choreographed dance moves. Most of all, less clothing than any other wrestling show if you don't count those other times when two men go at each other wearing spandex briefs.
Everyone knows that there's nothing like a good TakeDown. I agree, play-by-play announcer. I cannot compare Wrestlicious TakeDown to any specific person, place, or thing. With that said, many persons, places, and things are like a bad TakeDown.
Wrestlicious TakeDown is brought to you by the Horny Goat Brewing Company. Tap that. Even though I personally wouldn't depend on sexually aroused goats to brew quality beer, I urge you to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are able to channel their sexual arousal into brewing quality beer somehow. This method would be similar to how athletes abstain from intercourse in order to enhance their athletic performance.
Johnny C enters the Wrestlicious locker room while the ladies are busy sitting on a folded chair, meditating on a bench, getting dressed on a bench, and being Hawaiian. While Johnny tries to welcome the girls to the company, they walk away from him. Despite Johnny C blocking the doorway, they managed to exit the locker room anyway. I am impressed.
Kandi Kisses bumps into Johnny in the midst of rocking out to her new single. Bumping into people while rocking out happens to the best of us. Last week, I was rocking out to my new single, which is entitled "Bumping Into Johnny C." After listening to Kandi's song, Johnny quips that she's going to sell millions of earplugs. In response, Kandi punches him in the balls and calls him a loser. That reaction just cost you a sale, Kandi. You're going to sell nine-hundred, ninety-nine thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine earplugs now.
Apparently, Johnny C doubles as a producer and ring announcer. With his schedule, you might think that he wouldn't have time to forgive Kandi Kisses for punching him in the balls and calling him a loser. Well, prepare to cook an egg on your face because Johnny C is announcing Kandi's entrance into the ring. Kandi is accompanied by The Gumdrops. Wait a second. She stole Johnny C's backup dancers. Hell: it must be paid in full.
The play-by-play man tells us that Kandi considers herself to be the Britney Spears of wrestling. If Kandi is the Britney Spears of wrestling, Jillian Hall must be the Christina Aguilera of wrestling. And if Jillian Hall is the Christina Aguilera of wrestling, I must be the Jennifer Paige of wrestling. You'll get the reference soon enough.
Kandi's performance is one for the ages. Even the wrestling audience is digging it, and they weren't even paid to be there. You dropkicked Kandi right from the start. When you slammed her, you broke her heart. Coincidentally, dropkicking, slamming and powerbombing Kandi Kisses results in a lip-synched, Ashlee Simpson-esque disaster. The Gumdrops forcibly escort Kandi out of the ring, which is too bad for me. I wanted to know what other wrestling moves were executed on her heart. I need to learn some counters.
Autumn Frost is a "Stone Cold Stunner," meaning that she is the female incarnation of a three-quarter face-lock jawbreaker. Out of all the finishers, she is definitely one of the most attractive. The dragon screw leg whip is lava hot, though. Frost displays her attractiveness in a video shoot on the beach. Meanwhile, my downstairs region is nonsensically tumbling and flipping all over the place, like The Rock after taking the Stone Cold Stunner.
In my opinion, Toni The Top should make up her mind. Is she "The Top," or "The Goddaughter"? I want a definitive answer. Also, I think the ring announcer should make up his mind, too. Does he believe Maui to be an island princess, or a beautiful princess? The difference is clear. One princess is beautiful. The other princess is beautiful, but surrounded by water.
In this lengthy match that lasts almost one minute, Toni The Top wins with a scoop slam piledriver called "The Sleeps With The Fishes." I thought Maui could have won this match, but after Toni whipped her into one set of ropes, Maui teleported to the other set of ropes. Unnecessary teleportation doesn't win matches.
At Dr. Gross' office, Cousin Cassie thinks that she may need glasses. Although he is wearing glasses, Gross says that he doesn't believe in them. When Cassie asks why, Dr. Gross says that he drinks straight out of the bottle. I don't get it. Oh, he means drink glasses? I don't believe in drinking from glasses either. I drink from one glass, but not several. If you need to drink that much liquid, get a larger glass. Dr. Gross is right.
Next, we are brought to Bandita's Cantina. A middle-aged man waits at his table and calls for Bandita, who is billed as a spicy Latina. I've never tried Bandita before, so I cannot confirm her spiciness. The man asks Bandita if she has a roach problem. In response, Bandita says that the rats ate all the roaches. That's not sanitary.
Maria Toro: The Bull Fighter, Bandita: Tijuana's Finest, and Felony: On Work Release w/ Park Ranger/Officer Bubba vs. Tyler Texas: The
Rowdy Cowgirl, Cousin Cassie: Down-home Honey, and Charlotte: The Southern Belle
Cousin Cassie and Bandita start off the match because they are the future of women's wrestling. The play-by-by man claims that Cassie is always milking cows. When she walks by, you can smell the fresh “dairy air.” She should stop smelling like milk if Wrestlicious wants young men to like her butt. Cassie's offense consist of three hair mares, one clothesline, one kick to the stomach, and one turnbuckle thrust. Bandita's offense is highlighted by a hip toss and a double leg drop before both girls go down from a double clothesline. Cassie's cow milking and Bandita's rats did not factor into their offense at all. I am disappointed.
Once Felony and Tyler Texas tag into the match, they wrestle in a more professional manner. Off the ropes, Maria Toro pulls Tyler down by the hair. As Charlotte enters the ring to argue with the official, Toro, Bandita, and Felony triple-team Tyler in the corner. The last time three girls triple-teamed me in the corner, two of them ended up pregnant. I don't think I'm the father of either kid. I can't explain it. I just have a feeling. By the way, the third girl turned into a dinosaur.
At one point, Felony tries to escape from the arena, but Park Ranger/Officer Bubba points back to the ring. As a park ranger/officer, Bubba is fairly lenient. I bet he lets Felony get away with lots of things, such as eating meat during Lent.
Moments later, Maria Toro and Felony tag in and out, helping each other beat down Tyler. Fed up with the team's triple teams and sneak attacks, Cassie and Charlotte run at the threesome, only for the referee to hold them back. After Tyler bounces off the ropes with a running facebuster, she tags in Charlotte.
In her baby doll dress, Charlotte sets up Felony for the Confederate Crush. This move appears to be some sort of DDT that requires Charlotte to stand like a flamingo. As Bandita distracts the referee, Maria Toro interferes and gives Charlotte the Bull Run (Fisherman's DDT). Felony pins Charlotte for the win, but is not happy to return to jail. They don't sell porkpie hats in jail.
Wrestlicious is Wrestlicious
Monday, March 01, 2010
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 85th
How are you so emotive?
Why do you move like a human?
Why are you following me with your android eyes?
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Why are you Korean?
Do androids need to have an ethnicity?
Are you aware of your own culture?
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
Oooh Informative Korean Android
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
If John Cena put himself in the STF, would he give up?
AND
Who wants to celebrate Irish culture? Alright. Ulysses by James Joyce.
The Legacy Legacy
Webster's Dictionary defines legacy as a word with a particular definition. Whatever that definition may be, I'm almost 47% sure that Randy Orton and The Legacy lived up to it. As the bond between three future legends implodes before us, I am left unsatisfied, wanting more. Wrestling fans knew that the end was near, but now that I see it for myself, I must look away. Watching Orton and The Legacy break up is like witnessing your three shirtless children fight over the only clean shirt in the house. If I could, I would give all of them shirts.
Before his alliance with The Legacy, Randy Orton was fine, but the stable made him better. Moving forward, who will be there to support Randy by standing uncomfortably close to him in the locker room? Of course, Ted DiBiase will be okay for he is the second Marine. With that said, I question his honour as a Marine. Specifically, I want to know the whereabouts of the first Marine. If Joe Linwood murdered John Triton in order to absorb his significant-other-saving powers, DiBiase is going to jail for a long time. Finally, where will Cody Rhodes go? His eyes are fairly sunken into his face. That's not good.
As I gear up to say goodbye to my favourite stable since the New Brood, I want to look back at the memorable gifts that Orton, Rhodes, and DiBiase have given me over their run. Despite my slight criticisms of World Wrestling Entertainment, Orton and The Legacy was a constant highlight. Every time DiBiase and Rhodes caused a disqualification in a Randy Orton match via run-in, I celebrated by coating myself in coconut oil. Today, the world’s supply of coconut oil is low. Coconut oil has become as valuable of a commodity as petroleum.
Most likely, WrestleMania XXVI will be the swan song of The Legacy, but what a beautiful little ditty it will be. Join me as I grunt, groan, moan, and breath heavily in this retrospective of the second best trio in professional wrestling history. The New Brood is first because the Hardy Boyz and Gangrel made sense.
In 2008, Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly held the prestigious World Tag Team Championship (which were previously held by some guy and another guy). Under the tutelage of Holly, the young Rhodes learned how to be a pleasant and friendly person. Success came easy to the duo until Ted DiBiase showed up on several episodes of Monday Night RAW. In promos, DiBiase vowed to dethrone the champions with the assistance of a mystery partner. Some wrestling fans speculated that his father would be his partner, partly because those fans lived in an alternative dimension in which the 80s never ended.
At WWE Night of Champions, that mystery partner was Cody Rhodes. With DiBiase by his side, Rhodes beat Holly and himself to become a World Tag Team Champion. While the betrayal did not sit well with Holly, Rhodes was fine with it. After the match, Rhodes went to the ice cream parlour with himself, seeking forgiveness. From there, Priceless was born.
An injured Randy Orton singled out Rhodes and DiBiase in a RAW promo, calling them weak champions for not standing up to such intimidating teams as Cryme Tyme. In response, Priceless thought about how they could compete with JTG and Shad Gaspard. They did not have the time to write "Yo!" several times on their sunglasses, nor did they have to will to make it look less lame than it actually was. What they did have was a futuristic Apple computer. Cutting out pictures of Samoans from magazines, they worked throughout the night to create their ideal secret weapon. That weapon turned out to be a scantily-clad Manu, complete with savage wrestling boots.
Immediately, Rhodes and DiBiase gained Orton's respect by proving that futuristic computers could produce not only Kelly LeBrock, but Samoan wrestlers, too. At Unforgiven 2008, the new-look Priceless took out CM Punk to impress Orton once again. Using that same futuristic Apple computer, they celebrated the beat-down by playing Minesweeper. Manu could not sweep the mines.
Randy's affiliation with Priceless came into question during a match between Orton and World Heavyweight Champion CM Punk. Wanting to show Randy Orton how much he loves disqualifications, Ted DiBiase caused one, ruining Randy's chance to win the championship. For his troubles, Randy Orton punted DiBiase out of the group as a way to say, "Go film The Marine 2 now. I have been waiting two long years for some closure."
With DiBiase gone, Orton, Rhodes, and Manu formed The Legacy — a stable of second- and third-generation superstars who considered themselves to be better than those before them. Missing an important piece in the group, The Legacy searched throughout WWE for a fourth member. After ten minutes, they got bored and found Sim Snuka, who expressed great interest in joining the stable. They said, "I guess so, Simothy. Five bucks."
Exercising his authority as the leader of The Legacy, Randy Orton forced Rhodes, Snuka, and Manu to prove their worth in the stable. Manu proved his worth by failing to do anything that doesn't require being Samoan, leading to his exclusion from the group. In a RAW tag team match versus Cryme Tyme, Cody Rhodes proved his worth with a pinfall victory. Despite Snuka being on the winning side as well, Orton kicked him out of the group for having a name like Sim Snuka.
Seeking sweet Samoan revenge, Sim Snuka and Manu concocted a devilish plan to attack their former leader. Unable to get Cody on their side, they acquired the help of former Legacy member Ted DiBiase instead. As the three went to ambush Rhodes and Orton, DiBiase turned on Snuka and Manu, realigning himself with The Legacy.
After DiBiase informed Orton that he had finished filming The Marine 2, Randy welcomed him back with a long hug. DiBiase was weirded out, but Orton told him not to fight the feelings. When DiBiase informed Orton that he couldn't tell him anything about the story, Randy shoved him aside and went to IMDB for possible spoilers.
During Manu and Snuka's stint with the stable, they were given nationwide attention with an infamous appearance on a reality television clip show called The Soup. Host Joel McHale introduced a backstage segment in which Manu, Snuka, and the rest of The Legacy fumed at each other in a homosexual manner. McHale recreated the moment with his own set of fuming, half-naked men. At that moment, Manu and Snuka made the big time.
Eventually, both men were released by WWE. Since their release, eyewitness reports claim that Manu and Sim have been wandering the backstage area of the wilderness, breathing heavy breaths while face-to-face with various animals. The Swerved would like to wish Manu and Sim Snuka the best of luck in their forest endeavours.
Vince McMahon's attempt to fire Orton on an early 2009 RAW resulted in a punt to the face. As a means to seek vengeance for his father's attack, Shane McMahon took on Orton, which ended with a punt to the face. On the next night, Shane took on Orton again, which ended with a punt to the face. When Shane's sister Stephanie stood up to Orton, Randy chose to RKO her in the neck.
After the devastating move, Triple H ran down to the ring to chase away Orton and The Legacy. In actuality, he ran down to the ring to get an honest answer from Orton. If Randy punted Vince and Shane in the face, why didn't he punt his wife? What was wrong with his wife's face? Is his wife's face not good enough for the foot of Randy Orton? Good gravy. What a world.
As the build to WrestleMania XXV escalated, so did the feud between Orton and Triple H. At first, Randy avoided a WrestleMania matchup with Hunter, but Triple H coaxed his former Evolution ally to take the match by offering his own face for punting. Preferring the unique facial features of Hunter over Stephanie, Randy accepted. Meanwhile, Rhodes and DiBiase stood in the background, being cool background scenery like a large tree or something.
At WrestleMania XXV, Triple H defeated Randy Orton for the WWE Championship with a sledgehammer to the face. After the match, Orton brought up the idea of attaching a sledgehammer to his leg. That way, he could beat Triple H in a future match with the ultimate insult move: a sledgehammer foot to Hunter's face. Unfortunately, Rhodes and DiBiase talked Randy out of using the idea.
Without sledgehammer feet, a six-man tag at Backlash gave Randy one more chance to punt Triple H in the face. At the event, Orton won the title with that a regular punt. As Shane sought vengeance for a third, fourth, and fifth time, Rhodes and DiBiase told him to look over there for a minute. The Legacy tricked him to the point where he's still looking over there. What is over there anyway? Oh. Better things.
Over the summer of 2009, John Cena and Randy Orton battled in Iron Man Matches, Hell in a Cell Matches, I Quit Matches, You Quit Matches, Cell in a Hell Matches, Iron Woman Matches, and Iron Giant Matches (a match in which the first competitor to fully appreciate the tonal nuances of the 1999 animated film The Iron Giant wins). At the same time, Shawn Michaels helped Triple H in the fight against Rhodes and DiBiase, selling millions of glow sticks.
Shortly thereafter, The Legacy's clandestine glow stick business suffered.
A loss to Team Smackdown at the Bragging Rights Pay-Per-View created tension between Kofi Kingston and The Legacy — his fellow Team RAW members. They claimed that Kingston was responsible for their loss. Offended by their claim, Kofi began an intense feud with the group while slowly turning West African. This act amazed everyone, including myself. I tried to turn West African once, but I became East African instead. I was not happy at all.
After Kingston vandalized Orton's stock car, Randy was ready to fight. This rivalry by highlighted by two events: Kofi boom-dropping Orton through a table at Madison Square Garden and Orton subsequently beating Kingston almost every single time. Even though Kingston won a match against Orton during the feud, he needed Mark Cuban's help. At no point in a match should you need the assistance of an NBA owner. If you do, you are Kofi Kingston.
In the past few weeks, Randy Orton has verbally and physically attacked Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Last week on RAW, Orton gave the RKO to both Rhodes and DiBiase in a six-man tag match. Orton's recent behaviour suggests that he likes The Legacy, but likes beating them up more.
While they have argued before, these confrontations are different. Like Randy, I believe he has taught his students too well. Ted DiBiase has become a straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray star. Cody Rhodes has become the friend of a straight-to-DVD-and-Blu-ray star. They are now self-aware of their greatness.
What does this mean for the future of the trio? Will Randy take on Cody and Ted in a handicap match at WrestleMania XXVI, or is there rift between Legacy members that will lead to a three-way dance? However this break-up pans out, expect to see some fireworks come March 28, 2010. Not after that five-minute match, but after the main event. Post-main-event fireworks are a WrestleMania tradition.
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