Vince McMahon defines WrestleMania as the "showcase of the immortals." In other words, every WrestleMania match pits Hulk Hogan against Hulk Hogan in a Hulk Hogan match to see who can be the best Hulk Hogan. The loser of said match must become Hulk Hogan. Unfortunately, Hulk Hogan is nowhere to be found this year as he must recover from two things: his back surgery and his marriage to Linda Hogan. Without Hulk Hogan by his side, what is Vince McMahon to do? With less than three weeks left until the grand event, he must shine up a card that looks quite lackluster, at least as of this writing. Even though he believes that he can sell Pay-Per-Views by forcing Triple H to invade Randy Orton's "home" and scare a random lady in Randy's washer-dryer room, he will not get a penny from me for that sorry attempt to intrigue me. Likewise, I am not interested in an affair between Vickie Guerrero and the Big Show. If anything, I want to see an affair between Vickie Guerrero and John Cena. That way, he can put her in the STF(U) in private. Stop flirting, John. You’re embarrassing yourself.
In order for WrestleMania XXV to top WrestleMania XXIV, the event must be epic. At WrestleMania XXIV, Snoop Dogg made out with Maria Kanellis against her will. At WrestleMania XXV, Snoop Dogg must return and make out with Maria Kanellis, Santino Marella, and himself against their will. Last year, John "Bradshaw" Layfield hit Hornswoggle in the face with a trashcan. This year, John "Bradshaw" Layfield will have to hit a trashcan in the face with a Hornswoggle. If WWE cannot bring those memorable moments to Houston, Texas, what is the point of watching WrestleMania? For professional wrestling? What have you been smoking and or toking, and can you keep it away from the children?
As more and more frustrated wrestling fans flock over to the world of UFC and mixed martial arts, WWE must use WrestleMania XXV to hold onto their remaining fans with an unyielding death grip. Of course, I may be a famous professional wrestling analyst, but who's to say that I can't turn myself into a world-renowned mixed martial arts analyst? I like my unnecessary tribal tattoos and bald heads just as much as the next world-renowned mixed martial arts analyst. I think I can move many a mixed martial arts mountain. At this time, I hope WWE is listening to this threat. Once they lose me, they will have to close up shop. Don't let this happen, McMahon. Don't make this realistic fantasy a fantastic reality. I’m warning you.
As we approach the 25th (or 24th) Anniversary of WrestleMania, let us wrestle with the mania. You do not need medication to cope with wrestling mania because this stint will last no longer than four hours. Regardless, I am ready to consult my doctor if these problems persist. Tell me if they persist for you though blinking. Blink once for yes, twice for no, and three times if you are hungry for some sort of Mexican burrito. People with wrestling mania are maniacs, but they have to eat, too. They're not robots.
Pick Your Poison-y Poison
Last week on RAW, John "Bradshaw" Layfield shocked the entire world by defeating CM Punk for the Intercontinental Championship, making him a Triple Crown Champion and the first man married to Meredith Whitney to win the coveted belt. At the request of Vickie Guerrero, I have come up with two possible scenario for JBL at WrestleMania XXV. One matchup that I have in mind is an Intercontinental Championship defense against Rey Mysterio, who mysteriously doesn't have a spot on the card as of yet. The second matchup consists of Vladimir Kozlov, the Moscow Mauler himself, Moscow mauling his way to a April 5th bout with Texas' own JBL. I understand that JBL's gimmick involves Bradshaw ignoring his Texan roots to embrace the high life of New York City, but this is World Wrestling Entertainment. In this company, things have to make sense some of the time, but not all the time. Therefore, Bradshaw should come into Reliant Stadium as the greatest Texan babyface who has ever lived. You better cheer for him, or else.
The difference between Rey Mysterio and Vladimir Kozlov is rather simple: Rey Mysterio wears a mask, while Vladimir Kozlov does not. As far as I know, that is the only difference between these two gifted WWE Superstars. Perhaps Bradshaw should defend his title against Rey Mysterio without a mask, or Vladimir Kozlov with a mask. On second thought, maybe JBL should mate Rey Mysterio with Vladimir Kozlov, make a masked Russian wrestler, and face him at the event. Either way, WrestleMania XXV sorely lacks an Intercontinental Championship match. In fact, WWE itself lacks Intercontinental Championship matches. For a while, I thought CM Punk and William Regal were the only two wrestlers who could legally fight for the title, but I guess I was wrong. Apparently, the Intercontinental Champion represents a continent that contains more than CM Punk and William Regal, which is good to know.
Waiting for the Mickey Rourke Punch
Attention, sycophants, parasites, and hypocrites: after Chris Jericho's stunning lost to the Kofiest of Kingstons in his Money in the Bank Qualifying Match, Jericho is looking for revenge against Ric Flair. For those of you who forgot Ric Flair, he is also known as the man who showed up on RAW, stood on the ramp, and continued to stand on the ramp. As a sycophantic, parasitic hypocrite, I resent Chris Jericho's attempt to beat reality into every WWE Legend he encounters. For one, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper did not deserve a beat down in the center of the ring. I know he wears a leather jacket with a kilt, but a glaring fashion faux-pas is no reason to attack him. For two, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat should not have been shoved face-first into the high definition entrance screen. Personally, I do not condone abuse to dragons, nor do I support abuse to steamboats. For three, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka is over sixty years old. If Jericho is going to sneak attack him with a cardboard talk show set, he should use those jagged things from the Highlight Reel. Due to their jagged nature, those should work better.
Like any normal wrestling fan who believes retired wrestlers should stay retired, I do not want to see Ric Flair lace up his leathery boots and get in the ring with Jericho. Some analysts speculate that Stone Cold Steve Austin, the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame Inductee, will be the one who shuts Jericho up with the Stone Cold Stunner, but does Chris Jericho vs. Steve Austin make a WrestleMania-calibre matchup? In my opinion, I say nay to the idea, like a horse if he also agreed with me. From the start, I have been lobbying for Mickey Rourke to put the two dollars he made from The Wrestler where his mouth is and face Jericho, but I am beginning to think that Vince McMahon is not in the same boat as I. Although Rourke is not a professional wrestler, consider the notion of a naked Marisa Tomei and a fully clothed Ernest "The Cat" Miller at Rourke’s side; the involvement of these two individuals may change your mind for the better. If need be, I will settle for a fully clothed Marisa Tomei and a naked Ernest "The Cat" Miller at ringside, but I'm not going to lie to you, wrestling fans -- that sounds too erotic. I would try to cope with it, but I don't think I could handle that much hardcore eroticism.
Brothers Got To Fight, Even Though Nobody Wants To See Them Fight
When Matthew Hardy clocked his brother Jeffrey Hardy in the facial range with a steel chair, did you cheer, or were you confused by the lack of Christian? I can't speak for you, but in my daily life, I am often confused by the lack of Christian. At five years old, I ventured to the local mall to visit Santa Claus once, but was disappointed to discover that Christian was not Santa. I am aware that Christian entered the World Wrestling Federation long after I was five years old, but I was a weird yet smart and handsome kid. Please forgive me. Now that I am older, the disappointment continues. World Wrestling Entertainment wants me to believe that the Hardy Boys have not fought each other before, but I know their scheme. I know their deals and no deals. They're pulling a fast one on me, though I am not going to fall for it. Possibly, I am going to stand for it; that is just how I do the damn thang. How do you like them bananas, WWE? They're pretty ripe, if you ask me.
I do not have a brother, but if I did and he tried to kill me via vehicular homicide, involuntary staircase descending, and faulty pyrotechnic explosions, I would probably wrestle him on a stage. If he was a former half of my tag team, I would probably wrestle him on the grandest stage of them all. I remain skeptical to the idea of a Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy WrestleMania match. With that said, the Hardy Boys are exciting performers who deserve the WrestleMania spotlight. May many lights hit them on the spot as they pretend to fight each other before a crowd of over 70,000 fans. I sense several fates twisting. I hear several whispers in the wind. Most of all, I anticipate that these two men will "Take It 2 The Xtreme." I don't know what "Take It 2 The Xtreme" means, but I want to say that they'll be riding dirt bikes a lot. Am I right, or am I former WCW talent Paul Right (The Right Show)?
Do you want the possible to be more possible?
A unification match between World Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz and WWE Tag Team Champions Primo and Carlito Colon may be in the works for WrestleMania XXV. What does this rumour mean? More fighting over The Bella Twins. I know that adult women like Brie and Nikki Bella cannot choose who they want or do not want to date, so I am glad that WrestleMania will be the event that makes their tough decision for them. If I was a woman, and I had a twin who was also a woman, and we were WWE Divas on Smackdown caught between two tag teams, I would not know which team to choose. On the one hand, John Morrison and The Miz are cool, what with abdominal muscle glitter and stylish hats. On the other hand, Primo and Carlito Colon are from the Caribbean. In the summertime, I could use them to stay cool so Carlito does not spit in my face. I equate this dilemma to the film Sophie's Choice, except I would have to pick between tag teams, rather than my own children. Same difference, though.
I look forward to this possible matchup because WWE needs to place emphasis on tag teams again like they did in the early part of this decade. In 2000, we had Edge and Christian, the Hardy Boys, the Dudley Boyz, and Head Cheese, but in 2009, we don't have enough teams to make even one respectable division. Cryme Tyme are not Edge and Christian. Priceless are not the Hardy Boys, nor are they the Dudley Boyz. Of course, Hawkins and Ryder are better than Head Cheese, but one for four is not good enough. For me, Morrison, The Miz, and the Colons are tag team wrestling's only hope. Only they can bring prestige back to the tag team division, much like Head Cheese did in the year 2000. One of them can be Steve Blackman, the other can be Al Snow, and the other two can double up and wear the Chester McCheeserton costume. I'm looking in your direction, John Morrison and Mike Mizanin. I'm looking in your direction so hard.
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