With April 5, 2009 just around the corner, WrestleMania XXV is upon us with the fury of twenty-five people who wrestle with mania. Supposedly, WrestleMania XXV is the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania, despite the fact that this year's event will only mark the 24th anniversary. World Wrestling Entertainment knows how to entertain the fans, but they do not know how to count. Nevertheless, congratulations to WWE on their monumental achievement. I wonder what they will wish for on this wonderful occasion. Oh, wait. I know. They will wish for the bodies to hit the floor on a consistent basis. I am in favour of this particular wish because I can easily grant it by dropping my own body to the floor. Although, be forewarned because when I drop my body to floor, I tend to drop it as if it quite warm in temperature.
As the weeks pass, WrestleMania is shaping up to be a tremendous event. First of all, you have a man fighting other men by pulling sledgehammers out of his pants. On Smackdown, you have Vickie Guerrero, caught in a developing rivalry between her onscreen friend and her onscreen husband. On ECW, Christian is hanging out, chilling with Finlay and Hornswoggle while kind of hating Jack Swagger. To me, WrestleMania will be a captivating Pay-Per-View for these feuds alone. How many sledgehammers can Triple H store in his pants? More or less than three? Who will Vickie Guerrero support? Big Show, Edge, or Chavo, the biggest Smackdown star of them all? As for ECW, what will Christian, Finlay, and Hornswoggle do next? Chill some more? I look forward to receiving some answers.
If you are like me (nobody is like me), WrestleMania is a time to analyze who will become a superstar, who will lose his or her chance to become a star, and who will be Jamie Noble. Ten times out of eleven times, Jamie Noble will remain Jamie Noble, but you never known. Anything can happen in WWE, right? Didn't Michael Cole -- the gentleman scholar-- say that once? If not, I credit him for saying such a brilliant phrase. He is a visionary, but his power has decreased over the years because he stopped frosting his hair. Bring back the tips, Michael. Bring back the tips.
For the next two weeks, I will provide my superior thoughts on the build-up towards this Superbowl-like, NBA Championship-esque, World Series-ish, wrestling extravaganza. So far, a few matches have been etched in stone, but as for the others, I shall etch them in stone myself. What will I use for the etching process? I will use my mind for it is as sharp as twenty etching tools at once. Before you insult me and call me "good" rather than "great," let me remind you that the following article reflects my opinion and my opinion only. Whenever you get five minutes to spare to realize this notion, get back to me and I shall provide you with a gold star. Onward and upward, Houstonians. We have numerous problems, but Tom Hanks will handle most of them for us. Thanks, Thomas Hanks.
I Will Avenge My Family-in-Law's Destruction, Despite The Fact That I Have Destroyed Them Many Times Before
When Randy Orton slapped and kicked Hunter Hearst Helmsley's father-in-law in his father-in-law face, Triple H did nothing; I bet he was eating dinner at the time and did not want to be disturbed. Now, when Randy Orton beat up Hunter Hearst Helmsley's brother-in-law, Triple H did less than nothing, leaving it up to Pete Gas, Joey Abs, and Rodney to avenge Shane McMahon's suffering. When Randy Orton RKOed Stephanie McMahon, Triple H was offended. I understand that a loving husband would and should do anything to protect and avenge his wife’s suffering from known attackers, but Triple H took a while to get started, didn't he? Perhaps he was waiting to get his leather jacket repaired. Without a leather jacket on his person, Hunter cannot be a ba-dass.
Whether or not you care for a Randy Orton versus Triple H main event matchup at WrestleMania XXV, at least we don't have to see Randy Orton versus John Cena. In the build-up to Orton versus Cena, I expected that Legacy would kidnap Cena's invisible girlfriend/wife, then put him through 12 gruelling rounds to save her. I can only take so many uninspired, homosexual jokes about Priceless before I go crazy. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase are not secret lovers. How could they be when they are fighting for Orton's affection? To be honest with you, I have marginal interest in Randy Orton versus Triple H, at least until Orton attacks Linda McMahon. If he does so, I will buy this Pay-Per-View thrice. Get that beyotch, Randy. Get her good.
The Undertaker Wins
"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels is known as Mr. WrestleMania for his ability to perform at his best at the event, and for his lengthy marriage-on-the-side to Mrs. WrestleMania. Rebecca Michaels does not mind this second marriage for she is too busy looking orange and “boobirific.” Now that Shawn Michaels is rich again, his poor fans, who are struggling to make those precious ends meet, can finally rejoice. At WrestleMania XXV, Shawn Michaels will have the lofty task of facing and defeating the Deadman. When they last met, Michaels told the Undertaker that it was hell getting to heaven, but he did not specify how hellish the journey would be. Provide some visual aids, man. If fans of Shawn Michaels believe that HBK has a chance to end the Undertaker's undefeated streak, their journey to WrestleMania XXV will be rather hellish, too.
Before Michaels got the chance to face the Undertaker, he had to beat not one, but two men. According to Shawn, wrestling the Undertaker at WrestleMania is some sort of prize. According to me, Michael's road to WrestleMania is equivalent to the road to become the worst, one-hundred-million-dollar lottery winner in the history of lottery winners. If someone were to tell you that could win one hundred million dollars, I'm sure you would be ecstatic. On the other hand, if you had to win that one hundred million dollars by facing and defeating everyone who wanted to win that money as well, would you want to buy a ticket for that lottery? I don't think so. You might as well pack up your dreams and invest them in a possible win at the nickel slots. Even though Michaels versus Undertaker will be a quality match, the build-up so far has been anything but quality. Shawn should have slipped him a note with the question "Do you want to face me at WrestleMania?" above two boxes. In turn, the Undertaker should have put a check mark in the “yes” box. What a grand feud starter.
Everybody Has To Be In A Match Somehow, So Let's Do Another Three-Way
For the unfortunate few who do not comprehend Big Show's inclusion into the restarted rivalry between Edge and John Cena, think about Money in the Bank and you'll know: WWE has to give everyone a match. I think of Big Show as the sideshow attraction of WrestleMania. At WrestleMania 21, the Big Show wore a dental floss thong and sumo-wrestled Akebono to silence. At WrestleMania XXIV, he lost to Floyd Mayweather with a brass knuckles shot to his Big Face. Because Chris Jericho has taken Show's special attraction match slot at WrestleMania, Vince McMahon has to give him something. His solution? Shoehorn him in the World Heavyweight Championship Match at the expense of Edge and Cena.
I am not saying that this three-way matchup does not have the potential to be an exciting and entertaining contest, but how many three-way WrestleMania title matches do we need? After all, this match makes the second year in a row that John Cena has competed in a triple threat. Why can't Vince let Cena have the spotlight for once? This year, his elaborate entrance would have consisted of a futuristic chuckwagon ride to the ring, but now that Big Show has reared his enormous, bald cranium into the proceedings, Cena's chuckwagon has been reduced to a Radio Flyer pulled by a small armadillo. Thanks a lot, Vince McMahon. Thanks for the lack of futuristic chuckwagons.
Six to Eight People Still Have Nothing To Do Around WrestleMania Time
As of late, WrestleMania is not WrestleMania without the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. With this bout, WWE gets the chance to settle a lengthy feud between several wrestlers at once. Six or eight people like to climb things and reach for briefcases, but those same six to eight people dislike watching other people climb things and reach for briefcases. Therefore, Money in the Bank determines which wrestler can climb things and reach for briefcases the best. You cannot get this action and drama elsewhere. I mean, you could try to duplicate this match in your garage, but will Shelton Benjamin be there? If not, who's going to watch? Plus, I don't care to watch matches in your garage. Your garage is a standard definition garage.
While I don't mind the inclusion of yet another Money in the Bank Match, I wonder why WWE feels the need to have it every year. Do all eight participants deserve a match at WrestleMania, or is World Wrestling Entertainment lazy? "I don't want to think up a reason for a Mark Henry match. Just make him climb a ladder... on the biggest ladder-y stage of them all. That visual will be funny because he is large." While everyone wants Mark Henry to gain a shot at a World Championship Title, I would rather see him win the opportunity in a regular match. A ladder may be present in said match, but I have no control over the presence of ladders in bouts other than Money in the Bank. I guess the ladder just wants to watch Henry win the big one. If the ladder buys a ticket, I cannot throw it out of the arena. Since he paid, he stays.
The Evolution of Cooters
Thankfully, the lumberjill matches at WrestleMania are done for now. For the benefit of the one fan who enjoyed watching WWE Divas standing around the ring doing nothing, I apologize for my accurate and correct opinion. With rumours of a women's battle royal at the event featuring past and present female talent, I look forward to the possible confrontations that may arise. I cannot wait to see such lovely ladies as Trish Stratus, Lita, Sunny, Sable, and Mae Young square off with one another. Whenever WWE brings back Mae Young, they create an original, lasting, and intellectually stimulating moment. What about that time Mae Young was a creepy old horndog with no self respect for herself? If she barks from a doghouse for an uncomfortable amount of time, WWE shall win several awards for everlasting excellence.
Judging from the most recent episode of RAW, the battle royal will center around an inter-promotional feud between Women's Champion Melina, who smiles a lot to signify that she is a babyface, and Divas Champion Maryse, who is French Canadian, making her a double heel. This battle royal is no Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme, but I have hope for this contest. Many members of the audience will use this match as their bathroom or food break, but not me. I will patiently sit before my television and watch the match in its entirely. If I need to eat, or dispose of my bodily waste, I shall try to combine both actions into one. Some think that concept is disgusting, but for the sake of Maryse and Melina, I am willing to make a scarring sacrifice. Do not pray for me. I am too far gone.
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