A wrestling legend is a difficult title to define. Some believe a wrestling legend is measured by how many championships that man or woman wins in a career, while others believe that one is based on the wrestler's impact outside the realm of professional wrestling. In my opinion, a wrestling legend is based on two main characteristics: long-term entertainment value and lasting influence on the sport. I was about to introduce a third characteristic into the fold, but I don't think many legends take the form of an explanatory table or list that appears on some sort of map or chart. If I am mistaken in this assumption, please forgive me for I simply want the third characteristic to be an actual quality that separates a legend from a wannabe legend. Perhaps World Wrestling Entertainment will consider this quality in the future, but in the meantime, I am left to look up at the stars, wondering what could be.
While I question the legitimacy of the prestigious hall, the class of the 2009 WWE Hall of Fame impresses me. For one, we have Stone Cold Steve Austin: the man who single-handedly made "redneckery" cool for the first time in history. For two, the inclusion of Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Terry Funk are wise choices, at least compared to those chosen in years past. When I ponder those legendary men and women who have not yet been inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, I get angry, tired, sleepy, hungry, frustrated, and then angry again. I know the company wishes to induct eight performers per year, but in their attempt the recognize the greater-than-greats, they have overlooked many a legend. If I wasn't a respected professional wrestling analyst, I would probably challenge Vince McMahon and WWE to a round of bare-knuckle fisticuffs. I am so angry I could watch 12 Rounds twelve times. Somebody get me my film viewing glasses. I am more than ready to see a masterpiece.
I understand that the task of choosing a worthy group each and every year can be troublesome, but why must they make so many glaring mistakes? I am beginning to think that the WWE Hall of Fame is a sham, much like Randy Orton's wife or the WWE Universe. I've checked pictures on the internet. That woman on RAW was not Randy Orton's wife. In addition, I took an astronomy class once. We are nowhere near the WWE Universe. Is the WWE Hall of Fame a lie? Does World Wrestling Entertainment base its inductees on their positive relationship with the company? How dare you. I feel cheated, used, and dirty (only two of the three adjectives applied to me beforehand).
As long as WWE continues to make poor choices, I will continue to steer them in the right direction. This week, I am here to suggest which wrestlers deserve a place in WWE’s coveted hall. For me, World Wrestling Entertainment is like an unruly child who never listens, never bathes, and always touches itself. In turn, I must be the mother who takes care of it. I did not choose this life for myself, but I accept it. This path is my destiny. I must make of most of it, or WWE will try to touch itself again. I know they are curious about their downstairs area at this age, but that act is inappropriate, no matter the day or holiday. Stop it, WWE. Stop that right now. Don't make me get the spatula.
For the sake of the macho men, macho women, and macho children, Randy Savage used to come out to "Pomp and Circumstance," also known as the graduation song. This fact means that he has graduated high school and or college and or refrigerator repair school about a thousand times. Give this man a spot in the physically non-existent Hall of Fame already. What else does he have to do for you? How many times has he helped Hulk Hogan fight the baddest dudes on the wrestling planet? How many times does Bone Saw McGraw have to beat up Peter Parker before he impresses WWE? I bet the late and great Miss Elizabeth was kind of hard to carry on one shoulder, too. Be a man, Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment. Randy has done a lot for you. Give him something back.
Also, do not pay attention to those rumours regarding Randy Savage and Stephanie McMahon. Whatever naive wrestling fans might say, he did not deflower her. He simply showed her how to make a sculpture of himself -- from the shoulders up -- using Slim Jims. If you recall the video for Lionel Richie's "Hello," their activity was rather similar to the blind lady's artist endeavour, except Stephanie McMahon's sculpture was more edible, salty, and not made out of clay.
Without a doubt, the Honky Tonk Man is the greatest WWF Intercontinental Champion of all time. Of course, some claim that wrestling greats such as Mr. Perfect, Rick Rude, and Road Dogg are better, but they are sadly mistaken. As a young child, I was impressed with the Honky Tonk Man's ability to hit his opponents over the head with a guitar. Until I was about fifteen years old, I thought that the only way to play a guitar was to smash it over somebody else's head. Apparently, my music teacher was unhappy with my guitar-playing skills at the time, but I guess she was one of those "classically trained" guitarists. You know how they can be.
Now that the Honky Tonk Man will induct the esteemed Koko B. Ware to the WWE Hall of Fame this year, I wonder why World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't induct the man who is coming to my town in a pink Cadillac as well. According to a few, previous inductees, one doesn't need much of a wrestling career to make into the Hall of Fame. Supposedly, the fact that I once wrestled a small dog on my neighbour’s lawn qualifies me for WWE Hall of Fame consideration. While I would love Alex Wright and the Disco Inferno to induct me together with an full-on dance party, I would rather relinquish my spot for the Honky one. After all, I can always get inducted five years from now, when the most notable Hall of Famer will be Savio Vega. I highly look forward to five years from now. I highly do.
By now, you would think that Ted DiBiase would be a WWE Hall of Famer, but boy and girl are you wrong. Specifically, you are two wrongs that don't make a right. As far as I am concerned, Theodore DiBiase is the man. On that note, Virgil is the man, too, but less of a man compared to Ted DiBiase. With that said, I find that their exclusion from the WWE Hall of Fame is a shame and a half or three-quarters. How can WWE be so foolish not to induct these men? I'm sure I am not the only one who disagrees with their choice.
In my youth, I was afraid to wear sparkly jackets with a sequined dollar sign on the back, but Ted DiBiase proved to me that I could wear anything I want, as long as I set my mind to it. The next day, I wore a purple suit with a pink dollar sign, much to the surprise of my twelve-year-old friends. Because Ted DiBiase was not in active competition in the year 1997, hardly anyone knew who I was emulating. Unfortunately, they just saw a kid in a purple suit, rather than a millionaire rich enough to have a stereotypical, African-American butler. While the bullies did not beat me up that day, I beat myself up, knowing that I should have gone with the sleeveless Virgil-wear instead. I had guns at twelve years old. I was ready to shoot 'em up for reals.
The wrestling career of Scott Hall makes me happy and sad at the same time, similar to the feeling I get when I see a naked lady in overly large sunglasses and Ugg boots. You see, Scott Hall could have been the very best, but his love for alcohol -- his liquid mistress -- killed his potential. Whether he was talking like Tony Montana, shopping for fruits at a fruit stand, or mimicking the Giant as part of the New World Order, I watched professional wrestling for Scott Hall. When World Wrestling Entertainment learns to listen to everything I have to say, I am positive that they will bring Scott Hall into the hall.
Even though he was never a World Champion in any of the two major organizations, he was my absolute favourite. To this day, I consider myself the Scott Hall of my current gang. We call ourselves the Gazebo World Order. We cause chaos in our city on weekdays, but on weekends, we drink lemonade and enjoy each other's company in a gazebo. Whenever I want to mock another person, I throw my tiny drink umbrella in that person's face and laugh. Also, I tend to wiggle my fingers like Scott Hall to pretend that I am scared of said person, but I only do it on special occasions. Usually, the act of wiggling my fingers gets people thinking that I am a wizard who drinks lemonade in a gazebo. I want them to believe that I am a wizard some of the time, but not all of the time. There's a difference.
I don't care if Santino Marella's WWE career hasn‘t ended; I urge the company to put this man in the Hall of Fame before I do. Someday, I will conjure up the idea of a Santino Marella Hall of Fame, build it from the ground up using popsicle sticks and dedication, and make Mr. Marella my first and last inductee. World Wrestling Entertainment better get to work. I am aware that Santino Marella could not surpass the Honky Tonk Man's Intercontinental Championship reign record, but I forgive him because he is Santino Marella. When I think about it, Santino is this generation's Honky Tonk Man, except that he is not a pudgy version of Elvis Presley and doesn't wrestle at all. Without Santino's presence in the company, World Wrestling Entertainment is nothing. Like millions of viewers, I don't watch RAW to see Randy Orton go through a window made out of hardened sugar. I watch RAW to see Santino Marella instead. In my opinion, he is the best, longest-running, episodic human being in the history of television. Take that, Michael Cole. I'm tired of your face and fake laugh. Go away where I can't see you. Go away to TNA.
I am not saying that Santino Marella needs the WWE Hall of Fame; rather, I am saying that the WWE Hall of Fame needs Santino Marella. If they are going to put Bob Orton Jr. and Pete Rose in the hall, they have no excuse to deny Santino of one of those coveted spots. Bob Orton Jr. wears a cast for a few years and gets inducted. Pete Rose wears a San Diego Chicken suit and gets inducted. Santino Marella is Santino Marella. Why haven't they inducted him twice?
No comments:
Post a Comment