My XXV

The stage is set. The lighting is set. The matches are set. One of my favourite Ancient Egyptians gods is Set. He has the body of a human, but the head of an animal. On that note, the excitement continues to build with one week left until WrestleMania XXV. Call the event what you will, but be aware that I am rather excited for it. Truly, I am so excited that I will probably watch it if my afternoon pan flute lessons go as planned. If I have to stay for a few more hours, I am not sure what will I do. I am fan of professional wrestling, but I am a fan of playing pan flutes in an efficient manner, too. When will World Wrestling Entertainment learn to combine the two?

As most of you may have noticed, this month of The Swerved is "WrestleMania Month." In the past few weeks, I have given my thoughts on the matches that will make up this grand Pay-Per-View. In addition, I have proposed my own inductees to the WWE Hall of Fame, which is an event that WWE has held the day before every WrestleMania for as long as I can remember. Because I cannot recall anything past WrestleMania XX, my knowledge of WWE history tends to start at that point. Continuing my look at the happenings surrounding WrestleMania XXV, I thought it would be best to predict what memorable moments will occur next Sunday.

I am not a betting man. Sometimes, when I find myself in a casino, I may bet a dollar or a thousand at the craps table, but other than those instances, I do not like to put my money where my mouth hole is located. This time, I plan to stick to my sticky guns. While you are reading and or hearing the following predictions from me, I am not a prophet. I can predict the weather and what will occur to the human race after December 21st, 2012, but that is all. If you are curious about what will become of us after that day, I will tell you: we will receive free samples of Raisin Bran in the mail. Sadly, we will run out of milk.

Before the world ends, I have many a prediction to share. Will you read them on a boat? Will you read them in a moat? Will Triple H jump out of a birthday cake and attack Randy Orton before WrestleMania? The answer will not be revealed here because these are WrestleMania predictions only. Besides, I bet he'll fail. He's going to jump out of a Mexican flan. I've done that before. The experience is not worth the effort it takes to sit inside the flan as it is cooked.

1) In order to recreate the "briefcase lift" from the Handicap Ladder Match between Steve Austin and Vince and Shane McMahon at the 1999 King of the Ring, a power greater than all of us will make a name for himself in this year's Money in the Bank Ladder Match. During the match, he will screw one of the competitors out of the win by pushing the earth down until the wrestler cannot grab the briefcase. Sorry, Kofi Kingston.

2) As a tribute to the release of Watchmen, Rey Mysterio will wear another superhero-inspired costume. This year, he will take off all his clothes and paint himself radioactive blue to emulate Dr. Manhattan's trademark look. After his match, he will celebrate by getting a second job as the only naked member of the Blue Man Group. The other blue men will look at him with vacant stares.

3) Due to the poor physical condition of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Jimmy "Superfly Snuka," Chris Jericho will spend his entire match wrestling Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Luckily, before the match, "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project will bring out the Chicago Bulls to help Steamboat in the contest. Michael Jordan is not a trained wrestler, but Steamboat will need Michael to stick his tongue out... when the match calls for Ricky to stick a bunch of stamps onto envelopes.

4) On last week's episode of Smackdown, Shawn Michaels dressed up as "The Light" to Undertaker's "darkness.” As a means to help Michaels defeat the Undertaker for the first time at a WrestleMania, Marty Jannetty will interfere in grey clothing, debuting as "The Grey Area." Even then, his attire will be made by DayGlo.

5) World Wrestling Entertainment will top John Cena's elaborate entrances of WrestleManias past with the grandest entrance of them all. On Sunday, April 5th, 2009, Jonathan Anthony Felix Cena will shock the world by emerging from a futuristic, intergalactic spaceship that was once manned by mobsters from 1930s Chicago. Today, the ship will be driven by a marching band.

6) John "Bradshaw" Layfield will announce that Mamajuana Energy Drink does not improve one's sexual performance. To our surprise, we don't need any novelty drinks to improve our sex lives. Mamajuana was in us all along.

7) As Matt Hardy is about to destroy his brother Jeff Hardy, the two brothers will reminisce about a simpler time: their childhood. Back then, Jeff Hardy helped his brother steal cookies from a cookie jar, located on a high kitchen counter. Next, they will remind themselves of the days when Jeff put on a bandage on his brother's bloody knee after Matt suffered an unfortunate skateboarding accident. Finally, they will recall the time when two scoops of ice cream fell off Jeff Hardy's ice cream cone on a hot summer day. As a sweet gesture, Matt gave Jeff a scoop from his own ice cream cone. In the end, the Brother vs. Brother Match will end in a draw when the Hardy Boys meet in the center of the ring and hug out their feud. In the stands, Homer Hardy (their father) will call them losers.

8) Mickey Rourke will make his first appearance at a WrestleMania by sitting front row during the Chris Jericho versus WWE Legends Match. Towards the end of the contest, he will lose his seat to Sean Penn. Slumdog Millionaire will take the remaining 70,000 seats at Reliant Stadium for itself.

9) Rap-rocker Kid Rock will perform at WrestleMania XXV. Once he starts to sing one of his mega-hit songs, he will somehow transport us back to the year 1998. During that time, I wonder what the new Willennium will bring.

10) Edge and Big Show will stop fighting each other for the love of Vickie Guerrero when they discover that her heart actually belongs to excusing herself. If she cannot excuse herself, the scent of a summer flower smells much less sweeter.

11) Ric Flair will support "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat by acting as their manager. Before the match begins, he will stub his toe against the steel steps. In response to the accidental collision, he will bleed. His white hair will turn red.

12) In a last-minute change of plans, Carlito and Primo Colon will unify their WWE Tag Team Championship belts with John Morrison and The Miz's World Tag Team Championship titles by forcing them to move into a house together. Which titles will form an alliance? Which championship belts will have words, fighting or otherwise? Will hijinks ensue? Nobody knows. The only thing we can do is tune in and find out for ourselves.

13) As his saying goes, big things will be poppin' and little things will be stoppin' when Montel Vontavious Porter overcooks a bag of microwave popcorn. He will try to make amends with the other seven competitors in the Money in the Back Ladder Match by sharing a canister of Pringles, but the deliciousness of Pringles will bring out his selfish side.

14) Santino Marella will make himself an eligible participant in the 25-Diva Battle Royal by dressing up as a WWE Diva. Mickie James will immediately eliminate him, but in the process, he will help the late Rodney Dangerfield's soccer team win the championship in a mediocre, sports comedy movie from 1992.

15) Triple H will dedicate his main event match against Randy Orton in the name of his wife -- Stephanie McMahon. He will enter the match in a sparkling halter top, carrying the WWE Women's Champion over his shoulder. Of course, he will seldom defend it. At least one time in the match, he will use his wife's finishing move entitled "The Pin Attempt." Behold the pin attempts -- the pin attempt of pin attempts.

16) As expected, Mark Henry will be unable to climb the ladder in the Money in the Bank Match due to his weight. With the help of Tony Atlas, Mark Henry will fly up to the briefcase instead. All he needs to do is believe in Neverland.

17) In the Tag Team Championship Unification Match, the rest of the WWE roster will make their WrestleMania appearance as lumberjacks. Everyone except Mike Knox will have to get into character.

18) Trish Stratus will show up as one of the surprise participants in the 25-Diva Battle Royal. Unfortunately, her Matrix move will be unnecessary when she discovers that the battle royal will take place in the Matrix. Look around you, Patricia. Everybody can do it. You're not that special. Neo and Billy Gunn are “The One.” Who are you?

19) Cryme Tyme will make their obligatory appearance in a backstage skit, talking money with "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. “The Million Dollar Man will respond with his famous, maniacal cackle before he presents Shad Gaspard with a present in the form of bulletproof vest to match the one worn by JTG. Shad and JTG will be so excited that will encourage others to shoot them in the torso with bullets. When they get bored with that endeavour, they will try to play laser tag with those vests. The results will be disappointing.

20) Big Show will shave his Van Dyke, then wear a two-strapped singlet. If your widescreen television has the ability to stretch out a full screen image, he will look like King Kong Bundy. Everybody and everybody's mother wins.

21) Michael Cole will continue to call Randy Orton a "viper" until Biggie Smalls comes out of a mirror, grabs Michael Cole, and asks him not to call Orton that name anymore. Biggie Smalls is tired of that "viper" stuff. In fact, he is notoriously tired.

22) Melina will flap her gigantic feathered wings on the entrance ramp. If she flaps them enough, she will leave this nest and begin a new life.

23) Kelly Kelly will play the tambourine to the tune of Toto’s “Africa.” The pleasing sound will coax the other twenty four WWE Divas in the battle royal to leave the ring by their own freewill. She didn't want to practice the song with me last week. Therefore, she better practice soon. We must defeat those Brady children at the school talent show.

24) Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase (Jr.) will accompany Randy Orton to the ring. World Wrestling Entertainment will develop their characters by allowing them to stand on their own power.

25) In the main event of the evening, Randy Orton will defeat Triple H for the WWE Championship by showing him footage from a drive-in wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Prior to the match, Randy will drug the WWE Championship, take the title to that very chapel, then marry it on the spot. Triple H will be devastated. Because he is Triple H, tears will be shed in triplicate. One copy of tears will be for him. One will be for Randy. The final copy is up for grabs.