The year is now 2009. Did you have a great 2008, or did you waste your time trying to shoot lightning from your fingers as a means to impress Michelle McCool? Why you gotta disrupt the weather system like that, man? Distinguished meteorologists are furious with you, no doubt. You're not the Undertaker; cool it with the lightning. After all, Michelle McCool admires a certain undead living zombie thing for his personality, and for his ability to shoot lightning out of multiple places. Don't even try to conjure up a few downstairs bolts. You're only going to hurt yourself and the woman you love. Undertaker is a responsible undertaker. He doesn't shoot his lightning willy-nilly. He doesn't get lightning rods or umbrellas pregnant.
As for me, 2009 has been super sweet so far. Look at me driving my flying car. Check out this futuristic barbecue set. I don't need to use charcoal. I'm cooking space burgers in January. I'm watching a hologram of last week's Friday Night Smackdown in mid-air. You've never seen Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder this way before. Come join me in this futuristic world and see what it's like to live in a wonderful time.
What should we expect this year? When I look into my crystal ball, I see a lot of clear stuff. Other than stuff that is clear, I see stuff that is very clear. Now that I can see so clearly, I'm just going to make things up as I go along -- this is the WWE way. Oh, what a wonderful WWE Universe. A WWE Universe is comparable to a regular universe, if a regular universe enjoyed Michael Cole's company.
Who will emerge as the next great superstar? Who will win one of the three main championship titles? Who will show up on all three shows week after week, completely breaking the remaining half-rule of the WWE Brand Extension? Everyone? More than everyone? As we look to the future, let's ponder about what could be. Our future is whatever we make it. So, let's make it a somewhat not horrible one.
Randy Orton will hear voices in his head that counsel him. Those voices will understand, will talk to him. Meanwhile, Randy will not pay attention to the voices that matter the most: the voices in his heart. Kelly Kelly may have been a one-time fling, but Cody Rhodes is the one. Nobody breathes as heavily as he does; you know that, Randy. He's using his nose and his mouth. Have you ever had someone do that for you? He's saving up an oxygen nest egg for the both of you. Breathe in his love.
Stephanie McMahon will continue to be self-conscious about her weight to the extent that she forces WWE cameramen to stop filming her from the waist up. Throughout the year, Stephanie will urge the cameramen to move their cameras higher and higher. In December, they shall film her from the hairline up. What a fat hairline. At the same time, Shane McMahon will return and become self-conscious about his greying hair. In every segment that features Shane, cameramen will film him as he runs really fast, combing his hair with flour.
In spectacular fashion, Deuce's gimmick as Sim Snuka will prove to be unsuccessful. Once Legacy discards him from their group, Sim will embark on a soul-searching mission. In a desperate attempt to succeed in World Wrestling Entertainment, he shall transform himself into a computer game entitled SimSnuka. The object of SimSnuka is to build and maintain a city of "Superfly" Jimmy Snukas against the environmental threats of flooding, fires, and earthquakes. He will gain popularity with the construction of a convenient mass transit system.
Michael Cole will spend his days creating controlled frenzies for his personal enjoyment. First, he will secure rubber bands around the claws of several crabs, then agitate the crustaceans by throwing droplets of boiling water at them. Next, he will attempt to eat soup on a flat plate. Later on, Michael Cole will wear a pair of shoes covered in sharp nails and jump around a bouncy castle. Finally, he will taunt Chris Jericho about his younger days as a foolish showman, then immediately dress him up in multiple suits. Jericho will look stylish, professional, and serious, but he will not mobile enough to attack Cole because he will be wearing twenty dapper suits at once. In response, Cole will celebrate by eating a bowl of chili -- mild chili. Let's not get too frenzied.
John Cena will tweak his persona from a guy who wears hats, jean shorts, and wristbands a lot to a detective who discovers that his girlfriend has been kidnapped by a bad guy. In my WWE debut, I will become the bad guy who kidnaps Cena's girlfriend. In order for Cena to save his girlfriend, he will have to help me save my girlfriend, who has been kidnapped by another bad guy. If I want to save my girlfriend, Cena and I will have to help that guy rescue his girlfriend from another bad guy. If that bad guy wants to save his girlfriend, Cena, myself, and that other guy have to help that bad guy save his girlfriend from John Cena, the kidnapper of that third bad guy's girlfriend. Somewhere in this story, the film's girlfriend will be kidnapped as well.
In a hilarious segment of hilarious hilarity on the first 2009 edition of Smackdown, Triple H showed Vickie Guerrero an action figure in her likeness that had a ironically thin body. In my culture, showing an inaccurate action figure to the individual whose appearance inspires the production of the toy is the ultimate insult, next to stealing his or her spoons from a closed cupboard. With that said, Triple H is in for a world of insults. Soon enough, Vickie Guerrero will respond to his presentation by showing Triple H an action figure in his likeness. Underneath the action figure's clothes, Vickie will reveal a genuinely funny person.
Eve Torres, the lovely winner of the 2007 WWE Diva Search and current Smackdown backstage interviewer, will continue to do what she does best on the grandest stage of them all. In an interpromotional mic holding match at WrestleMania XXV, Eve Torres will defeat a RAW microphone stand and an ECW ledge. She will dedicate her victory to Ken Kennedy's overhead microphone cord. After the event, Eve will try to continue her winning ways, feuding with wireless microphones in a battle of old school versus new school.
Christian will make his triumphant return to World Wrestling Entertainment and win the one championship that continues to elude him. I hope you're paying attention, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska. Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island. South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Viriginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. Here he comes, United States Championship. He's going to rule all y'all. Well, except for you, North Dakota. He doesn't care for you that much. Years ago, he bought a mesh tank top there. The tank top was itchy.
Hurricane Helms will continue to adorn his skin with Olde English tattoos. Recently, he had his last name tattooed on his back to show others that he is the sole owner of his shoulder blades. Eventually, he shall attain a tattoo of his first name on his chest, his middle name on his head, and his likes and dislikes over his eyes to prove that he owns a lot of body parts on his body. In addition, he will tattoo the words "Green Lantern" under his Green Lantern logo tattoo to clarify that he enjoys the comic book superhero known as the Green Lantern and not sideways TIE fighters or Super Mario Bros. trampolines.
In a future Pay-Per-View main event matchup, Triple H will defeat Edge with a Pedigree. The Pedigree will be so lethal that Edge will bounce off the canvas all the way up towards the heavenly clouds. In six months, Edge will return with a beard, but a beard that helps others. He will store care packages of bread and wine in his beard while wearing flip-flops and a long white robe.
Vince McMahon will appease jaded fans of the old Extreme Championship Wrestling and bring the brand back to its roots. Diehard followers of Paul Heyman's extreme promotion will reluctantly return to the product, only to warm up to the idea once Heyman returns to WWE. On the first edition of the new ECW, Paul Heyman will welcome fans back to the Land of Extreme. In turn, the fans will react with enthusiastic, aggressive ECW chants. In the opening match at the Hammerstein Ballroom, Tommy Dreamer will reintroduce a returning Sandman. As the ECW fans sing along to "Enter Sandman," Sandman himself will take an expected time of fifty minutes to enter the ring. Once the bell rings to start the extreme match, Tommy Dreamer will softly blow in Sandman's ear for the disqualification.
Future WWE Megastar John Morrison will break away from The Miz to begin a successful singles career. While hardcore wrestling fans will cheer for him, casual followers will condemn Morrison when they learn what he does with his abs. When we first saw Morrison and his sparkly abs, he claimed that the glitter was "icing on the cake." What is the truth? Some men grate cheese on their abs, but Morrison grates innocent fairies on his six-pack. Crysta from FernGully had a bright future ahead of her. Why, Morrison, why? It should’ve been the Tooth Fairy. Get your own teeth, lady. I know you’re building an igloo with those teeth.
As the number one worm-eating superstar on ECW, The Boogeyman will get an alarming wake-up call when he encounters the newest extreme signing. At the conclusion of another Boogeyman victory, he will loom over his fallen opponent with worms dangling from his mouth, only to be attacked by Earthworm Jim with Mini Boogeyman in his mouth. This ambush sparks an epic feud that lasts an epic two days.
DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox will prove to the world that they are the best dancers in World Wrestling Entertainment -- rights worthy of bragging. One by one, Gabriel will challenge each member of the ECW roster to a dance contest and defeat them without difficulty. Fed up with the lack of competition, Gabriel and Fox will challenge anyone else in the company to try beat him. At WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut, thick smoke in the shape of a mirrorball will billow from the rooftop to signal the Pope Todd Grisham's entry into the dance contest. Matt Striker will be his Alicia Fox. Excessive (holy) thrusting and cupping may ensue. Watch Grisham’s hat for it is pointy.
Hornswoggle, the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon and the legitimate son of Finlay, will execute a Tadpole Splash so mature that the move becomes a Frog Splash. Consequently, the Frog Splash turns Hornswoggle into a six-foot-tall leprechaun with adult problems of his own. Finlay wants you to attend Notre Dame, but you would love to go to trade school. Even though you are over twenty years old, you can vote now. You can vote as many times as you want as long as you only want to vote once. Finlay does not need to cut your steak anymore. Your tricycle will be a bicycle.
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