In honour of former WWE Women's Champion Victoria, who was so ashamed to lose to Michelle McCool that she retired on the same night she lost, I would like to take a look back. When I say that I want to look back, I want to look back a few years, but not too far. My neck doesn't have the muscles to reminisce about any year before the new millennium. Whatever the neck case may be, Victoria was a tremendous female wrestler. Do you remember the time when Victoria was crazy enough to have a blinking eye coming out of her hand? Do you recall those four hours when Victoria was almost more popular than Trish Stratus? I do, World Wrestling Entertainment. You better try these facts at home.
At her peak, Victoria was the crazy queen of WWE. Out of every WWE Diva at the time, Victoria was the craziest. She was bipolar. She could travel to both poles. By day, she upset Santa and Mrs. Claus with the crazy. By night, she'd visit the South Pole, where she would execute the Widow's Peak on various rambunctious penguins. Perhaps, Victoria's ability to show those arrogant penguins the what-what proved that the Widow's Peak was superior to the other Diva finishers. In the South Pole, the Widow's Peak is better than the Stratusfaction because the South Pole does not have a top rope on which the perform the latter move. Also, the Widow’s Peak is twice as good as Lita's Self-Inflicted Neckbreaker on the set of Dark Angel.
Now that Victoria is no more, I am rather distraught. When WWE Divas retire, they do not go to Heaven. Their looks tend to fade over the years, then they make unnecessary appearances in their old age, appearing from a Mae Young-inspired doghouse of some sort for a quick cameo. In honour of her career, The Swerved reminds the wrestling world of the elite group known as The Fantastic Four Horsemen. Along with the retired Ric Flair, the released Chris Masters, and the insane Kurt Angle, Victoria saved our souls time and time again, at least in The Swerved Realm.
All the things Victoria said, all the things Victoria said, all the things Victoria said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head. Dear Victoria: may your future be filled be many things that you will say. In turn, may those uttered things run through my skull area, run through my skull area, run through my skull area. Good luck and thanks for the memories that WWE allowed me to have of you.
Author's Note: As a budding screenwriter/ice cream man, I have wanted to tackle the realm of the summer movie blockbuster for the longest time. It's always been a dream of mine to see scenes (that I've painstakingly thought through while fueled on sippy cup juice and fast food cheese) appear on the big screen. Therefore, I am making a valiant pitch to World Wrestling Entertainment to pen their next hit film. I don't have much experience, but I do know the English language and I remember seeing a movie once in this building where, apparently, there were other movies playing (I believe they called it a Moving Picture Stadium). You may have seen previous incarnations of The Fantastic Four in other media outlets, but this version is much better since the title is longer. Word life, this is basic filmenom...fimeconic...thugamov...yeah.
If you believe in this project, please send your thoughts to WWE via e-mail or knife fight.
Sincerely,
S
Synopsis
Four WWE superstars venture into space to investigate a peculiar storm of future wrestling prospects, speculated to have certain characteristics that may be beneficial to the McMahon owned company. Their space station, protected by wrestling safe-style to prevent its passengers from injury, is tested in an unexpected event. The storm arrives early and with the introduction of mass pyrotechnic explosions, inexperienced wrestlers attack everyone on board with mysterious, yet astounding moves. In turn, this attack creates drastic molecular changes in the bodies of the four individuals present (Ric Flair, Kurt Angle, Chris Masters, and Victoria). In a last ditch effort to save their peers from additional danger, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and the reluctant Eric Bischoff go into orbit to stop the carnage, but Hunter is quickly pinned to death by 20,000 up-and-comers with infinite potential. Conversely, Eric miraculously survives with strange and unique bodily changes of his own.
(When Eric Bischoff goes into space, does he take Jason Hervey with him? While I am aware of the fact that Wayne Arnold has numerous interests, I do not believe that space rescue missions is one of them. Wouldn't he rather tell Kevin that he is a butthead to an excessive degree? Wouldn't he prefer to be the one and only man who has slept with the virginal Missy Hyatt? What would he do if sang in space, out of tune? Would he stand up, collaborate with Eric Bischoff to make reality television programs featuring Scott Baio, and walk out on me? Jason Hervey is 36 and a butthead in his own right.)
Upon their return to planet Earth, the four superstars realize that they are simply not what they used to be. Learning to understand their unique abilities, they try to move on with their existence. Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff notices the potential for infinite control of both Flair's group and the wrestling newcomers for a resurrection of WCW.
(When Eric Bischoff tries to resurrect World Championship Wrestling, does he bring Hulk Hogan with him? In my opinion, Hulk Hogan is a brave man. With any attempted resurrection of a dead and buried wrestling promotion, I would want Hulk Hogan by my side. Why exactly? At one time in his infinite bandana life, he was married to Linda Hogan. Yes, werewolves are scary. Vampires are frightening. Frankenstein monsters are hideous, but Linda Hogan is frightful beyond human imagination. As Brooke Hogan looks into her future, she sees nothing but evil darkness. For her sake, let us hope that George Lucas is wrong. Let us hope that Brooke Hogan is the one who turns into Darth Vader, not Linda the Merciless.)
For radical feminists, they are The Fantastic Four Horsepeople Without Equal Wages Nor Opportunities In A Chauvinistic, Violent, And Sexist World Ruled By Dim-Witted Neanderthals.
For the rest...they are The Fantastic Four Horsemen.
Mr. Flairtastic is able to stretch all appendages, including his pectoral muscles which are used to attack, and sometimes capture evil-doers that may get in his way. Due to his impressive elasticity, his patented Figure Four Leg Lock submission hold has been upgraded to the Figure One-Hundred And Ninety-Four Pretzel. This maneuver is so effective that Ricky Steamboat, Harley Race, and Dusty Rhodes have already submitted to the move just by residing in the same continent as Mr. Flairtastic.
(Ric Flair is pretty Flairtastic. One time, he did the Flair Flop onto a concrete floor. Before he made contact with the concrete, the floor before him transformed into a pool of Nestea. Ric Flair took the Nestea Plunge. Will you? If so, you better put on some kneepads, which you will wear on your shins. You better wrestle over a decade past your prime. You better elbow drop your suit jackets. One of those suit jackets said something bad about David Flair once. You must find out which suit jacket said those unkind but mostly true words.)
In place of orange rock, The Thang is covered in a delicious, M & M-like, milk chocolate shell that is sure to make everyone across America proclaim that “It's Slobberin' Time!” (catchphrase provided by The National Institute of Uncreativity in Hollywood, California). Ashamed of his appearance, The Thang shields his true self from the outside world by wearing an American flag trench coat and a children's cowboy hat made of solid gold.
Able to sustain the most cozy temperatures, Chris Masters has transformed from "The Masterpiece" into "The Human Fireplace". He is able to make delectable s'more treats for all as he encases himself from head to toe in flames. Masters plans to use this ability to become the greatest living room accessory/daredevil/arsonist in the history of New York City. "Flame Up!" is the catchphrase used when Masters sheds away his sparkly cape and wrestling attire to wear a replica of the Donald Duck suit made popular by Elton John.
(Other than the legend that is Bobby Lashley, do you know who could beat "The Masterlock Challenge"? A man made of out of nothing but keys. In order for a woman to give birth to a baby whose body consists of nothing but keys, she would have to make love to a large key. Perhaps, she would have to bed a key to a city. You want to know who else could beat Chris Masters' entertaining challenge? A guy with no arms. If Chris Masters challenged a armless man who had a key head, torso, pelvis, legs, and feet, watch out. I bet he could beat Chris Masters twice. Unfortunately, he can't stand next to cars much, let alone run beside them.)
Victoria, a member of the Heat family with Chris Masters, has gone through quite the peculiar change. Once a common staple of the women's division, she has floundered in recent months with the influx of divas from all corners of the United States. Trying to find herself in a company full of the tannest women alive, she felt like she may as well not exist. Little did she know that her inkling would become a reality when the accident enabled her to turn invisible to the naked eye. Today as The Invisible Worker, she is known to disappear at random intervals, only to show up one week on RAW television to have an argument with another diva about who deserves to be on the cover of Playboy.
(Oh, Victoria. You were quite the gal. You won the belt, did nothing, then wore sumo outfits and snorkel gear on Smackdown. Every Halloween for two or three years, you were front and center. If Halloween was every day of the year, that would be a happy year indeed. I would look forward to the ways in which you would incorporate your knee brace into your Halloween costumes. In 2009, I'm thinking that you would dress up as The Joker... who required a knee bracing after losing an intense knee fight against Batman. Somehow, your knee fight would win you the Oscar. In 2010, you would dress up as Nancy Grace... who had suffered a knee injury while accusing every suspect in the world of murder, sexual assault, and banana stealing.)
Nothing more than slightly scarred from a number of aggressive wrestlers in space, Eric opted to have a device primarily constructed to protect him from further cosmetic damage. The result of this was a WCW Championship plate to place on his man business, but his obsession with vanity would prove to be detrimental to his recuperation. Immediately donning the searing hot plate, the burns from the plate have scarred him even further.
Nevertheless, he has learned to harness electricity from the remnants of the old WCW Thunder entrance. Frustrated and power hungry, Bischoff has also embraced his most authoritative persona as Easy E, complete with black leather jacket and reverse baseball cap. Bischoff’s plan is to destroy Ric Flair and the rest of The Fantastic Four Horsemen, horde the young talent for himself, and create the ultimate World Championship Wrestling promotion.
(Speaking of entrance stages, does anyone remember the first WCW Thunder entrance? I love me some Aztec walls that teamsters must manually pull apart in order to create a pathway for entering wrestlers. When WCW changed that entrance to the aluminum doorway attached to a futuristic skate park, I shed a tear. On second thought, I didn't shed a tear right away. Three seconds prior to the tear, you heard the sounds of someone about to cry. After those three seconds passed, I shed the tear. Appromixately, my tear was one kilometre away from you. You learn something every day from The Swerved. I talk about professional wrestling, but once in a while, I'm all up in meteorology.)
Rated PG-13 for violence, some mild language, and brief nudity from a skyscraper
(Brief nudity from a skyscraper? I think one of those buildings from the WrestleMania 22 entrance slutted it up for this film. If I had to guess, I bet it was the tallest and fattest building, first from the left. The first time I saw that building, I knew that it was up to no good. That building showed some window. Perhaps, the building showed too much window. If the building showed rooftop, don't let your children see this movie. Sooner or later, your kids will grow up and look for rooftops on the internet (or fire exits if they like that sort of thing), but for now, let them be kids. They're only young once. Hide your double issues of Rooftop Magazine. Double the rooftop equals double the childhood trauma.)
(A hint of dramatic music plays over a black screen, until the white and red scratch logo for 21st Century WWE Films appears. After a montage of overhead views of New York City, we close in on a glossy high-rise building, where Ric Flair is making a presentation. Located in a laboratory setting, he explains his ideas via television monitor to an attentive audience.)
Flair: Exposure to new, youthful, and charismatic wrestlers could advance our knowledge about how to run a successful business. Woo.
(Run a successful business... with new, youthful, and charismatic wrestlers? What is this film? Bizarro TNA? I do not see young talent like Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner anywhere. Where's Sarah Palin and her Palinness? Wrestling fans asked for Daffney to play a timely and relevant Sarah Palin impersonator. "You're welcome," says TNA. Now give Dixie Carter some mahi-mahi as a present.)
(Flair takes off his suit jacket, throws it on the floor, and executes five elbows drops on it. We cut to an after party involving esteemed personalities, including both Flair and Eric Bischoff. With his white hair and matching beard filling the screen, Bischoff smirks as he toasts Ric Flair.)
Bischoff: To our future...
(Next, 1996 Olympic Gold Medallist Kurt Angle sits down with Ric Flair at a glass conference table. He moves in close to speak with him.)
Angle: I don't trust his intensity, intelligence, or integrity.
(To be honest, I am no Kurt Angle. During his World Wrestling Federation/World Wrestling Entertainment career, I could only obtain two of the three Is. In 1999, I gained intelligence in a game of Mouse Trap. Several times, Eric Angle found himself in a crazy contraption. At the start of the new millennium, I won integrity shooting five ducks in a row, performing twenty chin-ups against my opponent, and taking an I.Q. test to prove that I am smarter than George W. Bush. As of this writing, I am still on the hunt for intensity. I was about to search for intensity this morning, but I wasn't in the mood. Maybe I'll eat an oatmeal cookie and sleep.)
(Ric looks off into the distance and responds.)
Flair: We got what we wanted. Woo.
(Kurt Angle notices Eric Bischoff from afar, having a laugh with a group of employees.)
Angle: I'm just worried about what he wants.
(A sequence of scenes occurs in which Ric Flair, Kurt Angle, Chris Masters, and Victoria wear matching silver jumpsuits. They diligently work in the elaborate space station, which consists of winding tunnels and rooms filled with neon control panels. Out of nowhere, they are struck by a large number of twenty-something, male and female wrestlers, and must struggle for their lives. Soon enough, Triple H rockets himself towards the station to assist his fellow workers, but is quickly mauled beyond recovery by the rising stars. In an astronaut's outfit, Eric Bischoff observes the area to see what has taken place, but is hastily struck by a powerful ball of independent contractors. Eventually, the five of them hurl quickly through the atmosphere in their mangled ship and violently strike soil as the scene fades out. Moments later, we are taken back to the New York skyscraper. A middle aged doctor looks at x-rays of Ric Flair's middle aged body with middle aged concern.)
(No, Triple H, no. Why did you risk your life? On television, you hint that you have a wife and children. How could you leave your hinted wife and children? Your hinted wife and children need you. Most of all, your hinted wife and children need you to stop pretending that they don't actually exist. They do exist, Hunter. They do exist. Whenever you say hello to Stephanie in a shy, adorable manner, Aurora Rose Levesque sheds a tear. Like myself, she does not shed a tear immediately. One second before she shed a tear, I heard someone about to cry. Aurora was a third of a kilometre away from me. When she cried, she didn't hint at crying. She actually cried. Learn something from your daughter, man.)
Doctor: Your entire physical structure is changing.
(Dumbfounded, Flair shakes his head and stares right in his eyes.)
Flair: I think I'll get a second opinion. Woo.
(Flair walks down the hall with a set of keys toward a locked door, but clumsily drops them. As he bends down to pick them up, he accidentally kicks the keys under the door. On all fours, his left man boob stretches its way under and ascends to the knob on the other side to unlock it. Ric Flair is understandably astonished. Back at the laboratory, he addresses Angle, Masters, and Victoria on this discovery.)
(Ric Flair is old. Therefore, he has an excuse to have drooping, leathery, man boobs. On the other hand, the chubbier version of John "Bradshaw" Layfield did not have an excuse. As he and Fortune Magazine says, his wife is one of the 50 Most Powerful Women. Apparently, Meredith Whitney was not powerful enough to give Bradshaw some support. You predicted the financial crisis, Mrs. Whitney (or Mrs. Layfield), but didn't you predict the overhang.)
Flair: That explosion of talent has fundamentally altered our WWE characters. Woo.
(We cut to Ric Flair and Victoria near a craft service table, trying to enjoy their meal. With Flair's eyes firmly on his food, Victoria gradually becomes transparent.)
Victoria: Ric, look at me.
(Flair looks up and sees nothing.)
Flair: I can't...cause you're barely on RAW anymore. Woo.
(Victoria notices her invisible self and panics, knocking the sandwich from her plate in the process. With an outstretched arm, Flair snatches it before it hits the floor. Slow dancing with the plate in front of the camera, The Nature Boy struts off screen. We then head to Chris Masters, fresh from taking a coconut oil bath. He notices his powers for the very first time.)
(With the introduction of high definition programming, wrestlers are hesitant to bathe themselves with coconut oil. What a sad time for professional wrestling. As far as I can remember, wrestlers have always bathed themselves with coconut oil. When they book their hotel rooms, wrestlers specifically request suites that do not have showers and baths. When you've got coconut oil at your disposal, you're as fresh and clean as a coconut that has been shaved, toned, and dipped in coconut oil. Water does not replace coconut oil, nor coconuts. You can't make a radio out of water.)
Masters: I'm burning from the core.
(He snaps his fingers and a spark of fire ignites from his fingers. Also, a giant Donald Duck suit suddenly appears on him. Later on, Victoria tries to reason with Chris, riddling him with questions and theories.)
Victoria: You don't want to have the wrestling talent of a fireplace for the rest of your life, do you?
(Long pause.)
Masters: Is that a trick question?
(This question is followed by Chris Masters, demonstrating his powers to the other three. He pulls up a chair and seats a normal looking gentleman in front of him. He slaps on The Masterlock and somehow melts the man to death like a marshmallow. He expects a great reaction, but doesn't receive one.)
(To this day, I wonder whether or not Chris Masters can melt a man to death like a marshmallow in real life. Sometimes, I thought I was kidding myself. Other times, I thought I was right. Now, I will never know the answer. I don't know if Chris Masters can melt a man to death like a marshmallow. I don't even know if Chris Masters can lightly toast a man without killing him. In my mind, Chris Masters likes his s'mores gooey, but not runny--the same way I like my women. Thanks to his release from WWE, I must spend the rest of life, wishing and hoping to find out the truth, between solitary moments of doubt.)
Masters: Come on. Am I the only guy who thinks full nelsons are cool?
(According to me, full nelsons are cool. When a wrestler slaps on the full nelson on another, the opponent looks as though he is acting like a tree in a kindergarten production of Alice in Wonderland. I like to think that the wrestler who applies the full nelson made the tree suit for his opponent to wear in the play. That wrestler is quite the thoughtful mother. He knows his opponent will forget his lines, but this play is going on home video, regardless of the opponent's performance. Say hello to the wrestler, opponent. He's in the fourth row, waving to you. Your grandmother is here as well.)
(Masters tries to reason with an apprehensive Ric Flair and Kurt Angle.)
Masters: What if we got these powers for a reason?
(Ric Flair notices celebrated action movie director John Woo off screen somewhere.)
Flair: Woo.
(A stray hand appears onscreen, giving Ric Flair a red See 'n Say toy. Kurt pulls the cord and the yellow arrow points to a cartoon cow.)
Flair: The cow says...moo.
(A rectangular vending machine is wheeled into the shot. Ric puts in a quarter and holds up his bottled drink to the camera.)
Flair: Do the Dew.
(When World Wrestling Entertainment is desperate, I shall step in and pitch my quick fix Mountain Dew gimmick. The Mountain Dew gimmick is one that involves a wrestler riding a bicycle a lot to an extreme degree. In fact, he is so extreme that he rides his bicycle with one hand. What is the other doing? Holding a bottle Mountain Dew. As he wrestles, he will take several breaks in the match to drink from his Mountain Dew bottle. In the end, he will win every match via forfeit when he offers Mountain Dew to his adversary, who is unsure of the true contents of the bottle. Is that Mountain Dew, or alien urine from outer space? 'Tis the mystery of Mountain Dew.)
(In the mirror, Kurt Angle realizes that his body is transforming into milk chocolate. He tastes some of it and wonders why he isn't turning dark chocolate as that alternative is healthier. At the same time, Eric Bischoff walks into the middle of a busy street. With various cars and trucks swerving and crashing into one another to avoid him, he raises his hands to the sky for guidance.)
(Kurt Angle loves chocolate anything. Karen Angle never let Kurt have chocolate, so what does he do? He divorces her as a means to attain chocolatey goodness. He loves making beastiality lovemaking with Sharmell. He loves to climb the chocolate beanstalk that is TNA's Rhaka Khan. Sadly, he thinks Mark Henry is just okay. Kurt is a chocolate snob.)
Eric: I just want the power again.
(In the pouring rain, he feels a strike of lightning through his body. In his head, the WCW Thunder theme plays as he optimistically sighs at the possibilities. Next, we are treated to scenes of destruction in which Eric damages street signs and buildings all around him while pedestrians scream and scatter. His groin plate is even strong enough to garner the power of both himself and Vince Russo, letting him gain the use of the mighty Viagra on a Pole. The madness soon quiets down to a scene in Eric Bischoff's loft, in which Victoria and himself engage in an intense stare down.)
(The object of Vince Russo's Viagra on a Pole Match is to climb up the role, attain the Viagra bottle, and take the Viagra pills. Once you consume the Viagra pills, you can either have relations with a woman, man, or bench, or you can lie in a family's backyard as the family in question plays a game of Ring Toss. In turn, a Pole on Viagra Match will cause severe eye injuries.)
Victoria: Eric, you always thought you were a genius.
(Bischoff laughs in a Bischoffian manner. He then bobs his head from left to right, wagging his finger vigorously in the air.)
Eric: Nuh uh. Let's not go there, girlfriend.
(At Road Wild in the depths of my brain, Eric Bischoff will team up with Oprah Winfrey to take on myself and a partner of my choosing. As a surprise, I shall pick Oprah’s best friend Gayle. At Road Wild in the depths of my brain, everybody gets an ass whipping. You get an ass whipping, you get an ass whipping, and you get an ass whipping. My favourite things are extra ass whippings.)
Victoria: No...let's.
(In full Fantastic Horsemen gear (skintight black suits with a sequined "IV" on the chest), Victoria pushes Eric to the wall with her jiggle force shield. Meanwhile, several battles flash on screen in a matter of 20 seconds to the soundtrack of pulse-pounding, operatic music. The Thang and Easy Von E battle around the city, Mr. Flairtastic tries to grab a hold of the Viagra On A Pole, and Chris Masters warms up a family of four during Christmastime. Next, Masters and Victoria are on the roof of a building. Chris tries to engage in a wrestling match but Victoria pleads with him.)
(When Victoria stopped being crazy, she became a dancer who used to dance at inopportune moments. One of her moves was the Jiggle Moonsault, in which she would bend over, jiggle her backside, then perform a standing moonsault onto the opponent behind her. Does that jiggle make moves better or worse? Ric Flair should've jiggled before he performed moves off the top turnbuckle.)
Victoria: Don't even think about it.
Masters: Never do.
(He leaps off the building. While piercing through the night sky, pieces of the Donald Duck suit begin to attach to his body.)
Masters: FLAME UP!
(Masters ignites in flames before changing directions and whizzing down the street. He travels to the stage at an outdoor concert in Central Park. He takes his place in front of a black, grand piano and performs in front of a considerably large crowd.)
Masters: I said don't go breakin' my heart...
(I think Elton John would be a tremendous wrestler, if and only if he used a grand piano as his signature weapon. Like Triple H's sledgehammer, Elton John could attain the grand piano out from under the ring and attack people with it in an unconvincing fashion. A miniature version of Elton John would get the piano that Schroeder from the Peanuts uses as a foreign object.)
(The operatic music crescendos as scenes flash by rapidly. The Thang Angle slams an 18 Wheeler and makes it tap to the Angle Lock. Elsewhere, The Invisible Woman is choked by Easy Von E's hand as Mr. Flairtastic yells "Wooooooooooooooo!", leaping towards Bischoff for a slow motion Flair Flop. In the climax of the trailer, The Fantastic Four Horsemen attempt to work together by showing four fingers to the delight of the young stars now captured by Easy Von E. Soon enough, they attempt to combine their powers against Easy, who has now riddled the streets with block after block of horrible destruction. The two sides sprint at each other and just as they are about to clash, we fade out. Back at the hospital, a blonde nurse takes the temperature of Chris Masters and notices it is grossly abnormal.)
Nurse: Oh, you're flaming.
(Chris Masters smiles on the paper covered bed, still in Donald Duck wear.)
Masters: Why thank you, but I think you mean "hot."
(The voluptuous woman turns to the camera and mouths "I DON'T THINK SO" as she holds up a cue card that reads "Obligatory Homosexual Joke".)
(With their humour, World Wrestling Entertainment is comparable to an annoying panhandler. In the beginning, WWE will approach you on the street in a casual manner. After a light tap on the shoulder, WWE will kindly ask you for spare change. In the case of comedy, they will kindly ask you to laugh. If you don't accommodate WWE, it will ask you the same question again. Once you refuse for the second time, WWE will follow you wherever you go, berating you with questions until you hand it over. After you give into WWE's demands, WWE will present a "Did You Know?" that states that you willingly gave it what it wanted, not because you were forced to do so, but because you thought WWE deserved it. You know that sick feeling you get after you hand over a dollar to an undeserving panhandler? That feeling is equivalent to the feeling you get after you laugh at a WWE joke out of pity. I should've gave that panhandler (and WWE) a handful of cheese soup. Nobody likes cheese soup, especially in the hand. WWE just cleaned those hands.)
(Metallic blue text flies by the screen with the names of all involved.)
Victoria is THE INVISIBLE WORKER
Chris Masters is THE HUMAN FIREPLACE
Kurt Angle is THE THANG
Ric Flair is MR. FLAIRTASTIC
Triple H is DEAD
The Fantastic Four Horsemen -- They're Just Fantastic, Beyotch
Coming Soon
(End of trailer.)
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