NEXT WEEK
Why don't you mind your own business, businesses?
AND
Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis. Ro-bot pe-nis.
Monday, January 26, 2009
New Wrestling Weapon of Choice: Fried Death
NEXT WEEK
Why don't you mind your own business, businesses?
AND
Sorry, I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis. Ro-bot pe-nis.
The Fantastic Four Horsemen
In honour of former WWE Women's Champion Victoria, who was so ashamed to lose to Michelle McCool that she retired on the same night she lost, I would like to take a look back. When I say that I want to look back, I want to look back a few years, but not too far. My neck doesn't have the muscles to reminisce about any year before the new millennium. Whatever the neck case may be, Victoria was a tremendous female wrestler. Do you remember the time when Victoria was crazy enough to have a blinking eye coming out of her hand? Do you recall those four hours when Victoria was almost more popular than Trish Stratus? I do, World Wrestling Entertainment. You better try these facts at home.
At her peak, Victoria was the crazy queen of WWE. Out of every WWE Diva at the time, Victoria was the craziest. She was bipolar. She could travel to both poles. By day, she upset Santa and Mrs. Claus with the crazy. By night, she'd visit the South Pole, where she would execute the Widow's Peak on various rambunctious penguins. Perhaps, Victoria's ability to show those arrogant penguins the what-what proved that the Widow's Peak was superior to the other Diva finishers. In the South Pole, the Widow's Peak is better than the Stratusfaction because the South Pole does not have a top rope on which the perform the latter move. Also, the Widow’s Peak is twice as good as Lita's Self-Inflicted Neckbreaker on the set of Dark Angel.
Now that Victoria is no more, I am rather distraught. When WWE Divas retire, they do not go to Heaven. Their looks tend to fade over the years, then they make unnecessary appearances in their old age, appearing from a Mae Young-inspired doghouse of some sort for a quick cameo. In honour of her career, The Swerved reminds the wrestling world of the elite group known as The Fantastic Four Horsemen. Along with the retired Ric Flair, the released Chris Masters, and the insane Kurt Angle, Victoria saved our souls time and time again, at least in The Swerved Realm.
All the things Victoria said, all the things Victoria said, all the things Victoria said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head. Dear Victoria: may your future be filled be many things that you will say. In turn, may those uttered things run through my skull area, run through my skull area, run through my skull area. Good luck and thanks for the memories that WWE allowed me to have of you.
Author's Note: As a budding screenwriter/ice cream man, I have wanted to tackle the realm of the summer movie blockbuster for the longest time. It's always been a dream of mine to see scenes (that I've painstakingly thought through while fueled on sippy cup juice and fast food cheese) appear on the big screen. Therefore, I am making a valiant pitch to World Wrestling Entertainment to pen their next hit film. I don't have much experience, but I do know the English language and I remember seeing a movie once in this building where, apparently, there were other movies playing (I believe they called it a Moving Picture Stadium). You may have seen previous incarnations of The Fantastic Four in other media outlets, but this version is much better since the title is longer. Word life, this is basic filmenom...fimeconic...thugamov...yeah.
If you believe in this project, please send your thoughts to WWE via e-mail or knife fight.
Sincerely,
S
Synopsis
Four WWE superstars venture into space to investigate a peculiar storm of future wrestling prospects, speculated to have certain characteristics that may be beneficial to the McMahon owned company. Their space station, protected by wrestling safe-style to prevent its passengers from injury, is tested in an unexpected event. The storm arrives early and with the introduction of mass pyrotechnic explosions, inexperienced wrestlers attack everyone on board with mysterious, yet astounding moves. In turn, this attack creates drastic molecular changes in the bodies of the four individuals present (Ric Flair, Kurt Angle, Chris Masters, and Victoria). In a last ditch effort to save their peers from additional danger, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and the reluctant Eric Bischoff go into orbit to stop the carnage, but Hunter is quickly pinned to death by 20,000 up-and-comers with infinite potential. Conversely, Eric miraculously survives with strange and unique bodily changes of his own.
(When Eric Bischoff goes into space, does he take Jason Hervey with him? While I am aware of the fact that Wayne Arnold has numerous interests, I do not believe that space rescue missions is one of them. Wouldn't he rather tell Kevin that he is a butthead to an excessive degree? Wouldn't he prefer to be the one and only man who has slept with the virginal Missy Hyatt? What would he do if sang in space, out of tune? Would he stand up, collaborate with Eric Bischoff to make reality television programs featuring Scott Baio, and walk out on me? Jason Hervey is 36 and a butthead in his own right.)
Upon their return to planet Earth, the four superstars realize that they are simply not what they used to be. Learning to understand their unique abilities, they try to move on with their existence. Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff notices the potential for infinite control of both Flair's group and the wrestling newcomers for a resurrection of WCW.
(When Eric Bischoff tries to resurrect World Championship Wrestling, does he bring Hulk Hogan with him? In my opinion, Hulk Hogan is a brave man. With any attempted resurrection of a dead and buried wrestling promotion, I would want Hulk Hogan by my side. Why exactly? At one time in his infinite bandana life, he was married to Linda Hogan. Yes, werewolves are scary. Vampires are frightening. Frankenstein monsters are hideous, but Linda Hogan is frightful beyond human imagination. As Brooke Hogan looks into her future, she sees nothing but evil darkness. For her sake, let us hope that George Lucas is wrong. Let us hope that Brooke Hogan is the one who turns into Darth Vader, not Linda the Merciless.)
For radical feminists, they are The Fantastic Four Horsepeople Without Equal Wages Nor Opportunities In A Chauvinistic, Violent, And Sexist World Ruled By Dim-Witted Neanderthals.
For the rest...they are The Fantastic Four Horsemen.
Mr. Flairtastic is able to stretch all appendages, including his pectoral muscles which are used to attack, and sometimes capture evil-doers that may get in his way. Due to his impressive elasticity, his patented Figure Four Leg Lock submission hold has been upgraded to the Figure One-Hundred And Ninety-Four Pretzel. This maneuver is so effective that Ricky Steamboat, Harley Race, and Dusty Rhodes have already submitted to the move just by residing in the same continent as Mr. Flairtastic.
(Ric Flair is pretty Flairtastic. One time, he did the Flair Flop onto a concrete floor. Before he made contact with the concrete, the floor before him transformed into a pool of Nestea. Ric Flair took the Nestea Plunge. Will you? If so, you better put on some kneepads, which you will wear on your shins. You better wrestle over a decade past your prime. You better elbow drop your suit jackets. One of those suit jackets said something bad about David Flair once. You must find out which suit jacket said those unkind but mostly true words.)
In place of orange rock, The Thang is covered in a delicious, M & M-like, milk chocolate shell that is sure to make everyone across America proclaim that “It's Slobberin' Time!” (catchphrase provided by The National Institute of Uncreativity in Hollywood, California). Ashamed of his appearance, The Thang shields his true self from the outside world by wearing an American flag trench coat and a children's cowboy hat made of solid gold.
Able to sustain the most cozy temperatures, Chris Masters has transformed from "The Masterpiece" into "The Human Fireplace". He is able to make delectable s'more treats for all as he encases himself from head to toe in flames. Masters plans to use this ability to become the greatest living room accessory/daredevil/arsonist in the history of New York City. "Flame Up!" is the catchphrase used when Masters sheds away his sparkly cape and wrestling attire to wear a replica of the Donald Duck suit made popular by Elton John.
(Other than the legend that is Bobby Lashley, do you know who could beat "The Masterlock Challenge"? A man made of out of nothing but keys. In order for a woman to give birth to a baby whose body consists of nothing but keys, she would have to make love to a large key. Perhaps, she would have to bed a key to a city. You want to know who else could beat Chris Masters' entertaining challenge? A guy with no arms. If Chris Masters challenged a armless man who had a key head, torso, pelvis, legs, and feet, watch out. I bet he could beat Chris Masters twice. Unfortunately, he can't stand next to cars much, let alone run beside them.)
Victoria, a member of the Heat family with Chris Masters, has gone through quite the peculiar change. Once a common staple of the women's division, she has floundered in recent months with the influx of divas from all corners of the United States. Trying to find herself in a company full of the tannest women alive, she felt like she may as well not exist. Little did she know that her inkling would become a reality when the accident enabled her to turn invisible to the naked eye. Today as The Invisible Worker, she is known to disappear at random intervals, only to show up one week on RAW television to have an argument with another diva about who deserves to be on the cover of Playboy.
(Oh, Victoria. You were quite the gal. You won the belt, did nothing, then wore sumo outfits and snorkel gear on Smackdown. Every Halloween for two or three years, you were front and center. If Halloween was every day of the year, that would be a happy year indeed. I would look forward to the ways in which you would incorporate your knee brace into your Halloween costumes. In 2009, I'm thinking that you would dress up as The Joker... who required a knee bracing after losing an intense knee fight against Batman. Somehow, your knee fight would win you the Oscar. In 2010, you would dress up as Nancy Grace... who had suffered a knee injury while accusing every suspect in the world of murder, sexual assault, and banana stealing.)
Nothing more than slightly scarred from a number of aggressive wrestlers in space, Eric opted to have a device primarily constructed to protect him from further cosmetic damage. The result of this was a WCW Championship plate to place on his man business, but his obsession with vanity would prove to be detrimental to his recuperation. Immediately donning the searing hot plate, the burns from the plate have scarred him even further.
Nevertheless, he has learned to harness electricity from the remnants of the old WCW Thunder entrance. Frustrated and power hungry, Bischoff has also embraced his most authoritative persona as Easy E, complete with black leather jacket and reverse baseball cap. Bischoff’s plan is to destroy Ric Flair and the rest of The Fantastic Four Horsemen, horde the young talent for himself, and create the ultimate World Championship Wrestling promotion.
(Speaking of entrance stages, does anyone remember the first WCW Thunder entrance? I love me some Aztec walls that teamsters must manually pull apart in order to create a pathway for entering wrestlers. When WCW changed that entrance to the aluminum doorway attached to a futuristic skate park, I shed a tear. On second thought, I didn't shed a tear right away. Three seconds prior to the tear, you heard the sounds of someone about to cry. After those three seconds passed, I shed the tear. Appromixately, my tear was one kilometre away from you. You learn something every day from The Swerved. I talk about professional wrestling, but once in a while, I'm all up in meteorology.)
Rated PG-13 for violence, some mild language, and brief nudity from a skyscraper
(Brief nudity from a skyscraper? I think one of those buildings from the WrestleMania 22 entrance slutted it up for this film. If I had to guess, I bet it was the tallest and fattest building, first from the left. The first time I saw that building, I knew that it was up to no good. That building showed some window. Perhaps, the building showed too much window. If the building showed rooftop, don't let your children see this movie. Sooner or later, your kids will grow up and look for rooftops on the internet (or fire exits if they like that sort of thing), but for now, let them be kids. They're only young once. Hide your double issues of Rooftop Magazine. Double the rooftop equals double the childhood trauma.)
(A hint of dramatic music plays over a black screen, until the white and red scratch logo for 21st Century WWE Films appears. After a montage of overhead views of New York City, we close in on a glossy high-rise building, where Ric Flair is making a presentation. Located in a laboratory setting, he explains his ideas via television monitor to an attentive audience.)
Flair: Exposure to new, youthful, and charismatic wrestlers could advance our knowledge about how to run a successful business. Woo.
(Run a successful business... with new, youthful, and charismatic wrestlers? What is this film? Bizarro TNA? I do not see young talent like Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner anywhere. Where's Sarah Palin and her Palinness? Wrestling fans asked for Daffney to play a timely and relevant Sarah Palin impersonator. "You're welcome," says TNA. Now give Dixie Carter some mahi-mahi as a present.)
(Flair takes off his suit jacket, throws it on the floor, and executes five elbows drops on it. We cut to an after party involving esteemed personalities, including both Flair and Eric Bischoff. With his white hair and matching beard filling the screen, Bischoff smirks as he toasts Ric Flair.)
Bischoff: To our future...
(Next, 1996 Olympic Gold Medallist Kurt Angle sits down with Ric Flair at a glass conference table. He moves in close to speak with him.)
Angle: I don't trust his intensity, intelligence, or integrity.
(To be honest, I am no Kurt Angle. During his World Wrestling Federation/World Wrestling Entertainment career, I could only obtain two of the three Is. In 1999, I gained intelligence in a game of Mouse Trap. Several times, Eric Angle found himself in a crazy contraption. At the start of the new millennium, I won integrity shooting five ducks in a row, performing twenty chin-ups against my opponent, and taking an I.Q. test to prove that I am smarter than George W. Bush. As of this writing, I am still on the hunt for intensity. I was about to search for intensity this morning, but I wasn't in the mood. Maybe I'll eat an oatmeal cookie and sleep.)
(Ric looks off into the distance and responds.)
Flair: We got what we wanted. Woo.
(Kurt Angle notices Eric Bischoff from afar, having a laugh with a group of employees.)
Angle: I'm just worried about what he wants.
(A sequence of scenes occurs in which Ric Flair, Kurt Angle, Chris Masters, and Victoria wear matching silver jumpsuits. They diligently work in the elaborate space station, which consists of winding tunnels and rooms filled with neon control panels. Out of nowhere, they are struck by a large number of twenty-something, male and female wrestlers, and must struggle for their lives. Soon enough, Triple H rockets himself towards the station to assist his fellow workers, but is quickly mauled beyond recovery by the rising stars. In an astronaut's outfit, Eric Bischoff observes the area to see what has taken place, but is hastily struck by a powerful ball of independent contractors. Eventually, the five of them hurl quickly through the atmosphere in their mangled ship and violently strike soil as the scene fades out. Moments later, we are taken back to the New York skyscraper. A middle aged doctor looks at x-rays of Ric Flair's middle aged body with middle aged concern.)
(No, Triple H, no. Why did you risk your life? On television, you hint that you have a wife and children. How could you leave your hinted wife and children? Your hinted wife and children need you. Most of all, your hinted wife and children need you to stop pretending that they don't actually exist. They do exist, Hunter. They do exist. Whenever you say hello to Stephanie in a shy, adorable manner, Aurora Rose Levesque sheds a tear. Like myself, she does not shed a tear immediately. One second before she shed a tear, I heard someone about to cry. Aurora was a third of a kilometre away from me. When she cried, she didn't hint at crying. She actually cried. Learn something from your daughter, man.)
Doctor: Your entire physical structure is changing.
(Dumbfounded, Flair shakes his head and stares right in his eyes.)
Flair: I think I'll get a second opinion. Woo.
(Flair walks down the hall with a set of keys toward a locked door, but clumsily drops them. As he bends down to pick them up, he accidentally kicks the keys under the door. On all fours, his left man boob stretches its way under and ascends to the knob on the other side to unlock it. Ric Flair is understandably astonished. Back at the laboratory, he addresses Angle, Masters, and Victoria on this discovery.)
(Ric Flair is old. Therefore, he has an excuse to have drooping, leathery, man boobs. On the other hand, the chubbier version of John "Bradshaw" Layfield did not have an excuse. As he and Fortune Magazine says, his wife is one of the 50 Most Powerful Women. Apparently, Meredith Whitney was not powerful enough to give Bradshaw some support. You predicted the financial crisis, Mrs. Whitney (or Mrs. Layfield), but didn't you predict the overhang.)
Flair: That explosion of talent has fundamentally altered our WWE characters. Woo.
(We cut to Ric Flair and Victoria near a craft service table, trying to enjoy their meal. With Flair's eyes firmly on his food, Victoria gradually becomes transparent.)
Victoria: Ric, look at me.
(Flair looks up and sees nothing.)
Flair: I can't...cause you're barely on RAW anymore. Woo.
(Victoria notices her invisible self and panics, knocking the sandwich from her plate in the process. With an outstretched arm, Flair snatches it before it hits the floor. Slow dancing with the plate in front of the camera, The Nature Boy struts off screen. We then head to Chris Masters, fresh from taking a coconut oil bath. He notices his powers for the very first time.)
(With the introduction of high definition programming, wrestlers are hesitant to bathe themselves with coconut oil. What a sad time for professional wrestling. As far as I can remember, wrestlers have always bathed themselves with coconut oil. When they book their hotel rooms, wrestlers specifically request suites that do not have showers and baths. When you've got coconut oil at your disposal, you're as fresh and clean as a coconut that has been shaved, toned, and dipped in coconut oil. Water does not replace coconut oil, nor coconuts. You can't make a radio out of water.)
Masters: I'm burning from the core.
(He snaps his fingers and a spark of fire ignites from his fingers. Also, a giant Donald Duck suit suddenly appears on him. Later on, Victoria tries to reason with Chris, riddling him with questions and theories.)
Victoria: You don't want to have the wrestling talent of a fireplace for the rest of your life, do you?
(Long pause.)
Masters: Is that a trick question?
(This question is followed by Chris Masters, demonstrating his powers to the other three. He pulls up a chair and seats a normal looking gentleman in front of him. He slaps on The Masterlock and somehow melts the man to death like a marshmallow. He expects a great reaction, but doesn't receive one.)
(To this day, I wonder whether or not Chris Masters can melt a man to death like a marshmallow in real life. Sometimes, I thought I was kidding myself. Other times, I thought I was right. Now, I will never know the answer. I don't know if Chris Masters can melt a man to death like a marshmallow. I don't even know if Chris Masters can lightly toast a man without killing him. In my mind, Chris Masters likes his s'mores gooey, but not runny--the same way I like my women. Thanks to his release from WWE, I must spend the rest of life, wishing and hoping to find out the truth, between solitary moments of doubt.)
Masters: Come on. Am I the only guy who thinks full nelsons are cool?
(According to me, full nelsons are cool. When a wrestler slaps on the full nelson on another, the opponent looks as though he is acting like a tree in a kindergarten production of Alice in Wonderland. I like to think that the wrestler who applies the full nelson made the tree suit for his opponent to wear in the play. That wrestler is quite the thoughtful mother. He knows his opponent will forget his lines, but this play is going on home video, regardless of the opponent's performance. Say hello to the wrestler, opponent. He's in the fourth row, waving to you. Your grandmother is here as well.)
(Masters tries to reason with an apprehensive Ric Flair and Kurt Angle.)
Masters: What if we got these powers for a reason?
(Ric Flair notices celebrated action movie director John Woo off screen somewhere.)
Flair: Woo.
(A stray hand appears onscreen, giving Ric Flair a red See 'n Say toy. Kurt pulls the cord and the yellow arrow points to a cartoon cow.)
Flair: The cow says...moo.
(A rectangular vending machine is wheeled into the shot. Ric puts in a quarter and holds up his bottled drink to the camera.)
Flair: Do the Dew.
(When World Wrestling Entertainment is desperate, I shall step in and pitch my quick fix Mountain Dew gimmick. The Mountain Dew gimmick is one that involves a wrestler riding a bicycle a lot to an extreme degree. In fact, he is so extreme that he rides his bicycle with one hand. What is the other doing? Holding a bottle Mountain Dew. As he wrestles, he will take several breaks in the match to drink from his Mountain Dew bottle. In the end, he will win every match via forfeit when he offers Mountain Dew to his adversary, who is unsure of the true contents of the bottle. Is that Mountain Dew, or alien urine from outer space? 'Tis the mystery of Mountain Dew.)
(In the mirror, Kurt Angle realizes that his body is transforming into milk chocolate. He tastes some of it and wonders why he isn't turning dark chocolate as that alternative is healthier. At the same time, Eric Bischoff walks into the middle of a busy street. With various cars and trucks swerving and crashing into one another to avoid him, he raises his hands to the sky for guidance.)
(Kurt Angle loves chocolate anything. Karen Angle never let Kurt have chocolate, so what does he do? He divorces her as a means to attain chocolatey goodness. He loves making beastiality lovemaking with Sharmell. He loves to climb the chocolate beanstalk that is TNA's Rhaka Khan. Sadly, he thinks Mark Henry is just okay. Kurt is a chocolate snob.)
Eric: I just want the power again.
(In the pouring rain, he feels a strike of lightning through his body. In his head, the WCW Thunder theme plays as he optimistically sighs at the possibilities. Next, we are treated to scenes of destruction in which Eric damages street signs and buildings all around him while pedestrians scream and scatter. His groin plate is even strong enough to garner the power of both himself and Vince Russo, letting him gain the use of the mighty Viagra on a Pole. The madness soon quiets down to a scene in Eric Bischoff's loft, in which Victoria and himself engage in an intense stare down.)
(The object of Vince Russo's Viagra on a Pole Match is to climb up the role, attain the Viagra bottle, and take the Viagra pills. Once you consume the Viagra pills, you can either have relations with a woman, man, or bench, or you can lie in a family's backyard as the family in question plays a game of Ring Toss. In turn, a Pole on Viagra Match will cause severe eye injuries.)
Victoria: Eric, you always thought you were a genius.
(Bischoff laughs in a Bischoffian manner. He then bobs his head from left to right, wagging his finger vigorously in the air.)
Eric: Nuh uh. Let's not go there, girlfriend.
(At Road Wild in the depths of my brain, Eric Bischoff will team up with Oprah Winfrey to take on myself and a partner of my choosing. As a surprise, I shall pick Oprah’s best friend Gayle. At Road Wild in the depths of my brain, everybody gets an ass whipping. You get an ass whipping, you get an ass whipping, and you get an ass whipping. My favourite things are extra ass whippings.)
Victoria: No...let's.
(In full Fantastic Horsemen gear (skintight black suits with a sequined "IV" on the chest), Victoria pushes Eric to the wall with her jiggle force shield. Meanwhile, several battles flash on screen in a matter of 20 seconds to the soundtrack of pulse-pounding, operatic music. The Thang and Easy Von E battle around the city, Mr. Flairtastic tries to grab a hold of the Viagra On A Pole, and Chris Masters warms up a family of four during Christmastime. Next, Masters and Victoria are on the roof of a building. Chris tries to engage in a wrestling match but Victoria pleads with him.)
(When Victoria stopped being crazy, she became a dancer who used to dance at inopportune moments. One of her moves was the Jiggle Moonsault, in which she would bend over, jiggle her backside, then perform a standing moonsault onto the opponent behind her. Does that jiggle make moves better or worse? Ric Flair should've jiggled before he performed moves off the top turnbuckle.)
Victoria: Don't even think about it.
Masters: Never do.
(He leaps off the building. While piercing through the night sky, pieces of the Donald Duck suit begin to attach to his body.)
Masters: FLAME UP!
(Masters ignites in flames before changing directions and whizzing down the street. He travels to the stage at an outdoor concert in Central Park. He takes his place in front of a black, grand piano and performs in front of a considerably large crowd.)
Masters: I said don't go breakin' my heart...
(I think Elton John would be a tremendous wrestler, if and only if he used a grand piano as his signature weapon. Like Triple H's sledgehammer, Elton John could attain the grand piano out from under the ring and attack people with it in an unconvincing fashion. A miniature version of Elton John would get the piano that Schroeder from the Peanuts uses as a foreign object.)
(The operatic music crescendos as scenes flash by rapidly. The Thang Angle slams an 18 Wheeler and makes it tap to the Angle Lock. Elsewhere, The Invisible Woman is choked by Easy Von E's hand as Mr. Flairtastic yells "Wooooooooooooooo!", leaping towards Bischoff for a slow motion Flair Flop. In the climax of the trailer, The Fantastic Four Horsemen attempt to work together by showing four fingers to the delight of the young stars now captured by Easy Von E. Soon enough, they attempt to combine their powers against Easy, who has now riddled the streets with block after block of horrible destruction. The two sides sprint at each other and just as they are about to clash, we fade out. Back at the hospital, a blonde nurse takes the temperature of Chris Masters and notices it is grossly abnormal.)
Nurse: Oh, you're flaming.
(Chris Masters smiles on the paper covered bed, still in Donald Duck wear.)
Masters: Why thank you, but I think you mean "hot."
(The voluptuous woman turns to the camera and mouths "I DON'T THINK SO" as she holds up a cue card that reads "Obligatory Homosexual Joke".)
(With their humour, World Wrestling Entertainment is comparable to an annoying panhandler. In the beginning, WWE will approach you on the street in a casual manner. After a light tap on the shoulder, WWE will kindly ask you for spare change. In the case of comedy, they will kindly ask you to laugh. If you don't accommodate WWE, it will ask you the same question again. Once you refuse for the second time, WWE will follow you wherever you go, berating you with questions until you hand it over. After you give into WWE's demands, WWE will present a "Did You Know?" that states that you willingly gave it what it wanted, not because you were forced to do so, but because you thought WWE deserved it. You know that sick feeling you get after you hand over a dollar to an undeserving panhandler? That feeling is equivalent to the feeling you get after you laugh at a WWE joke out of pity. I should've gave that panhandler (and WWE) a handful of cheese soup. Nobody likes cheese soup, especially in the hand. WWE just cleaned those hands.)
(Metallic blue text flies by the screen with the names of all involved.)
Victoria is THE INVISIBLE WORKER
Chris Masters is THE HUMAN FIREPLACE
Kurt Angle is THE THANG
Ric Flair is MR. FLAIRTASTIC
Triple H is DEAD
The Fantastic Four Horsemen -- They're Just Fantastic, Beyotch
Coming Soon
(End of trailer.)
Monday, January 19, 2009
New Wrestling Weapon of Choice: Pipeline
NEXT WEEK
Turn around.
AND
He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots, too. Lorraine, if you ever have a kid that acts that way, I'll disown you.
My Royal Rumble
This month, 30 WWE Superstars from RAW, Smackdown, and ECW will compete in an over the top, over-the-top battle royal for the right to wrestle for a championship title in the fourth to last match at WrestleMania XXV. In the past, winners of the Royal Rumble have gone on to do great things. As the third entry in the 1992 Royal Rumble, Ric Flair attained an unbelievable victory, then became really old looking in the face area. In 1994, Bret Hart and Lex Luger were the first and only co-winners of the rumble, then shared a large banana split at Baskin Robbins (it wasn't even their birthday at the time). At the peak of the Attitude Era in 1999, current WWE Chairman slash limousine explosion survivour Vince McMahon defeated the incomparable Stone Cold Steve Austin to prove that bosses are superior to their employees in the context of a Royal Rumble Match. If you are an employee and wish to fight your boss in a future predetermined match, do not choose the Royal Rumble. From the beginning of time, bosses have been trained to win the Royal Rumble. If you must wrestle your boss at a Pay-Per-View, please find the means to do it in a match that does not future twenty-eight other guys, twenty-eight of whom do not bother you in a professional or personal manner.
Every January, I look forward to the Royal Rumble. I enjoy seeing two big men having a standoff in the center of the ring for no discernable reason other than the fact that they are of similar height and or weight and or build. No matter which competitors involve themselves in the match, I can't get enough of ten guys working together to throw a fat man up and over the top rope. Based on my own experiences, fat men cannot clumsily tumble up and over the top rope by themselves. Therefore, I am glad that ten guys can put their differences aside for the sake of banishing the morbidly obese from their Royal Rumble society. More often than not, witnessing one wrestler pretending to shove another to the floor while the other pretends to have difficulty holding onto the ropes is a fun visual for everyone. And finally, Shawn Michaels skinning the cat is never not outstanding. In particular, this aforementioned Royal Rumble moment inspires me to skin a dog. Skinning a dog consists of skinning the cat, except that you dress the dog in hilarious human clothes after you do so.
Although I have no doubt that the 2009 Royal Rumble will be a tremendous Royal Rumble avec fromage, I wish to create my own Royal Rumble out of sheer curiosity. If I had to guess, the winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble will be Lilian Garcia for she will announce the rules of the match beforehand -- thereby establishing herself as the first entrant -- then leave under the top rope to keep herself in said bout without actually competing. When the referee raises Randy Orton's hand, Lilian will sneak up from behind, hit the Jon Secada Bomb, then eliminate the tatooed one. At No Way Out, Lilian will defeat Randy Orton, JBL, Shawn Michaels, Kane, and CM Punk in the RAW Elimination Chamber Match to solidify her spot at WrestleMania XXV versus John Cena. While I cannot wait to bear witness to the Age of Lilian, I want to know who will be the victor of my Royal Rumble first.
Of course, World Wrestling Entertainment assures its viewers that their Royal Rumble is an unpredictable and random event, but any intelligent wrestling fan knows that they are lying. In order to function in the day, they eat, lie, eat, and lie some more. They are liars who lie in the green grass of lies. If they were a Chinese panda at the famous San Diego Zoo, their name would be Lie Lie. They love their hammocks because hammocks allow them to rest in the shade and lie. They are Mr. Kennedy when interviewers ask him about steroids in wrestling. In turn, what is The Swerved's version of the Royal Rumble? Honest greatness.
The Swerved Royal Rumble Rules:
- In total, the match will consist of 30 wrestlers: twelve RAW Superstars, twelve Smackdown Superstars, and six ECW Superstars. Why only six ECW Superstars, you ask? I do not want to see Tony Atlas in this match... twice. Do you?
- With current storylines and injuries in mind, I will choose the 30 participants based on personal preference, level of athleticism, level of charisma, entertainment potential, and general scent. For those superstars who smell like an arctic breeze, this is your lucky day.
- I will determine the entrance number of each competitor via random drawing. After consulting with NASA and Mensa International to determine the best possible way to conduct this random drawing, their conclusion was the following: draw names out of a hat, you foolish fool. Fifteen billion dollars later, here we are, changing the game for the better.
- When I draw a name from the Random Hat of Virtue, that competitor will be officially eliminated. Next, I will draw a second name from the hat to determine the wrestler who caused the elimination. At this point, I will return the second name to the hat. The last name remaining in the hat will become the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble for the year 2009.
- The Swerved Royal Rumble is brought to you by Michael Cole. Michael Cole: In wine country, everything is vintage.
CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Mike Knox, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Santino Marella, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase,
William Regal
Dolph Ziggler: At this point, everyone knows his name, but do they know the real Dolph Ziggler? Since the Royal Rumble is one of the biggest events of the year, this match is Ziggler's perfect opportunity to reveal his true self. Why does he insist on reminding every member of the RAW roster that his name is Dolph Ziggler? Is Dolph Ziggler the ziggling man of German ancestry that WWE fans have grown to know and love, or does he project a false persona? What is beneath the ziggling? A lasting emptiness?
Shawn Michaels: At the moment, Shawn Michaels is fairly busy, working at his new job, looking sad and frustrated while JBL sports a hat that is not made of straw. On the other hand, the Royal Rumble needs the star power of Shawn Michaels. Without Shawn, what is the Royal Rumble? A three-ring, sixty-man battle royal at WCW World War III? I don't think so. Glacier shouldn't get the chance to win any match, let alone one with royal implications.
Mike Knox: Mike Knox and Mike Knox Beard should be separate entrants, but since they cannot enter at separate times, they will work together. Mike Knox Beard holds the power of Chris Jericho's old goat beard, the Highlanders' beards that competed on Internet Heat, and Edge's beard from hell. You cannot deny the awesome power of his awesome beard. I bet I can find buried treasure or the lost city of Atlantis in his beard.
Goldust: Unfortunately, the enigmatic Goldust will not compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble. In this economy, I am not willing to shell out the two dollars that Goldust requires to purchase gold paint. Unless Dustin Rhodes wants to buy his own gold paint, he's a healthy scratch. Perhaps he can staple gold jewelry to his face, or make out with a golden robot. The robot does have to be attractive or fun to be around, but the robot must be gold.
Manu: To my dismay, Manu is the least intimidating, Samoan power wrestler in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment. I would prefer to clone Umaga and place him in the match than give Manu this precious spot. I would hire Rikishi's posterior to be the thirtieth entrant before I would let Manu into the contest. I know someone who looks exactly like Manu. Her name is Rosalita, who makes my bed when I am not passed out on it. She never leaves mints.
Sim Snuka: Once again, Sim Snuka looks so much like "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka that it is if as though they are not related by blood at all. If Sim Snuka does not clean his act up and apologize to Domino and Cherry for leaving them, may Arthur Fonzarelli use him as water skis while he attempts to jump over a shark in a lake. Sundays are not happy days for you, Simothy. Get your leather jacket back and Kick somebody named 'Em in the mouth, or don't bother wrestling anymore.
Big Show, The Brian Kendrick, The Great Khali, Hurricane Helms, Ken Kennedy, MVP, R-Truth, Shelton Benjamin, Triple H, Umaga, Undertaker, Vladimir Kozlov
Ken Kennedy: Like World Wrestling Entertainment, I don't mind shamelessly plugging direct-to-video projects that feature talent who have never acted in legitimate films before. Ted DiBiase, Jr. in The Marine 2, anyone? Sign me up on one of several dotted lines on the non-existent, sign-up sheet. In the film industry, lack of experience or credibility equals success. Hence, Ken Kennedy is the perfect candidate to star in WWE's latest and greatest action film release. While I have not seen Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia yet, I plan to watch it with a grin on my face. In the end, I hope Kennedy's character saves that donkey from Juan Valdez, kills Juan Valdez with a Mic Check that creates a fiery explosion somehow, then retains high quality coffee beans for all. Assuming that he saves the world, I'll let him into the Rumble.
MVP: In general, Montel Vontavious Porter creates his own luck. In other words, he is a poor luck creator. I am not sure where WWE wants to take Montel Vontavious Porter, but as long as he continues to breathe right with that Breathe Right Nasal Strip, I am happy for him. Out of pity, MVP will participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Although, he will participate at a price. He shall put his Breathe Right Nasal Strip on the line.
Hurricane Helms: The man formerly known as Gregory, who was formerly known as The Hurricane, will receive his shot in the Royal Rumble Match to establish his tweaked character: he is a hurricane whose real name is Gregory. In lieu of a hurricane coming through, Gregory comes through, which is a much more dangerous natural disaster than a hurricane. Three years ago, a Gregory came through Swerved City. What became of Swerved City? The city boasts two Gregorys. I'm thinking about moving now.
Kung Fu Naki: The elder statesmen from Japan who others believe to be Chinese sometimes will compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble for legal reasons. You see, The Swerved is not certified to allow stereotypical Asian characters into the Royal Rumble because stereotypical Asian characters are the worst. In fact, stereotypical Asian characters are so offensive and bland that Jimmy Wang Yang prefers to act like a stereotypical cowboy from the Southern United States instead. World Wrestling Entertainment might as well go back in time, force Funaki to become an expert violinist at thirteen months old, then physically and verbally abuse him when he fails to get straight As on his elementary school report card. Funaki will become a doctor or his family will disown him.
Festus: Every time a bell rings, Festus, who is an angel in his own right, does not receive a pair of wings. Whenever Festus hears the bell, he gets angry because he knows that he will never receive those wings. If I was Festus, I would be mad as well, but I don't need his angry self in the match. As his tongue hangs out, the other wrestlers will bring their stamps. Nobody wants to see wrestlers send and receive letters for sixty minutes straight.
Ezekiel Jackson: As The Brian Kendrick's bodyguard, Ezekiel Jackson will not be available to wrestle in The Swerved Royal Rumble. During the match, he will dedicate half of his time to save Kendrick from elimination, then spend the other half looking confused and concerned. "Did I close the garage door before I left? Did I remember to turn off the stove? Are my whites their whitest, or should I switch to Gain?" Ezekiel Jackson is a complicated fellow with his own wants and needs.
Matt Hardy, John Morrison, The Miz, Mark Henry, Finlay, DJ Gabriel
The Miz: Some claim that The Miz is the John Oates of the Hall & Oates tandem that is Morrison & Miz, but I respectfully disagree. For one, The Miz is a chick magnet. In a Royal Rumble against 29 baby chickadees, The Miz has got this win in the bag. In a Royal Rumble against 29 magnets, he's going to repel against them, which could be quite interesting.
Finlay: I assume Hornswoggle desires to take part in The Swerved Royal Rumble, but you know what? He doesn't have his parent's permission. Perhaps, he lost his permission form on his way to leprechaun school. He had a lot on his mind that day. He had a quiz on pot of gold protection; the quiz did not end well. In his disappointed state, Finlay will step in and fight for the right of his son. Good fathers let their leprechaun sons compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Then again, great fathers replace their leprechaun sons when they are feeling down.
DJ Gabriel: Every week, Donna Joe Gabriel amazes me with his ability to dance his way to victory. If Disco Inferno and Alex Wright had the appropriate reproductive organs to make an offspring, that offspring would be DJ Gabriel. Also, I would steal that offspring and raise him as my own. With the addition of this gentleman, WWE and The Swerved Royal Rumble have automatically improved. Can you go wrong with this dancing wrestler? No, you cannot. You can only win all dang day.
Tommy Dreamer: If Tommy Dreamer does not win the ECW Championship by early June, he will retire. If Tommy Dreamer does not compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble this month, he continue to wear t-shirts that promote the WWE Pay-Per-View of the month to cover his extreme flab. If I do not include Tommy Dreamer in The Swerved Royal Rumble, I will be okay. I want a pair of velour pants, though.
Ricky Ortiz: Despite the positive implications of Ricky Ortiz's inclusion into The Swerved Royal Rumble, the negative implications outweigh them. What will happen if Ricky Ortiz enters the match with a new haircut? I do not condone any haircuts in the future of one Ricky Ortiz. Forever and ever, I want him to resemble a mature, muscly, male version of Little Orphan Annie. He will dance with Daddy Warbucks or the sun will not come out tomorrow. At best, he is a risk.
The Boogeyman: In his WWE career, The Boogeyman has wrestled negative two times, one of which ended up in a disqualification when he tried to get his worms to wrestle for him. The Swerved Royal Rumble is for wrestlers. Technically, The Boogeyman is a wrestler, but officially, he is a strange man with a questionable, daily food regimen. When he learns two more moves, and understands that worms are part of a complete breakfast rather than the entire breakfast, I will reconsider my decision.
1 (The "Biggest Little Man Who Lies on the Canvas Until the Final Moments of the Match" Spot): Shawn Michaels
2: Mark Henry
3 (The "The Number Three" Spot): The Brian Kendrick
4: Hurricane Helms
5: Shelton Benjamin
6: William Regal
7: The Great Khali
8 (The "Ziggling" Spot): Dolph Ziggler
9: John Morrison
10 (The "Home Meats" Spot): Vladimir Kozlov
11 (The "Home Cheeses" Spot): Santino Marella
12: Matt Hardy
13 (The "Behind Frenemy Lines" Spot): Ken Kennedy
14: The Miz
15 (The "Tanner Household" Spot): DJ Gabriel
16: Undertaker
17: Big Show
18 (The "Eighteen Vipers Viping" Spot): Randy Orton
19 (The "Oxygen Stealer" Spot): Cody Rhodes
20 (The "Decorative Facial Hair" Spot): Mike Knox
21 (The "Batman" Spot): Rey Mysterio
22 (The "Belongings for Second Hand Chicken Broth" Spot): MVP
23: Kane
24: Umaga
25 (The "Convenient Head Violence Forgiveness" Spot: Ted DiBiase
26: Finlay
27: CM Punk
28: R-Truth
29: Kofi Kingston
30 ( The "Took Too Long Voluntarily Looking for Naked Vickie Guerrero Pictures on eBay" Spot): Triple H
As the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble, RAW Superstar Kofi Kingston receives the WrestleMania XXV opportunity to face John Cena for the World Heavyweight Championship, Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship, or Jack Swagger for the ECW Championship. Obviously, WWE releases Kofi Kingston before WrestleMania XXV.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 58th
John Cena (c) vs. Charles Montgomery Burns
You see...
Some men are complacent with a million bucks,
Others just look for more
But the only thing I'm looking for
Is a main event icon that is unconvincingly poor
See my Shawn, see my Shawn,
A San Antonio, Texan spawn
Hear his music, his Sweet Chin Music
In my power, he can't abuse it
See his hat, a straw one at that
I make him sleep in it like a cat
His high pants are imitation leather
Foreign wear, Italian pleather
His sad face, pouty disgrace
Lost it in a bet at a horse race
By my side, he'll thrive
My limo, he'll drive
See my Shawn, see my Shawn, see my Shawn
At the Rumble, he'll stay humble
He'll be my tool, my Bryant Gumbel
But a title belt from Cena is one that will be won
So he'll Superkick for me
With the powers of Mamajuana Energy
See my Shawn
See my Shawn
Oh please, won't you see my Shawn?
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Vintage Michael Cole?
AND
I just don't want you to hate me.
Lest We Forget
I am not sure how long these memories have been forgotten. It's like I've woken up in a seedy, Latin American motel room with two of my three kidneys missing, and the memories aren’t here... because I can only relive the moments by purchasing them on DVD or something. But somehow, I know that they will be blurry. The blurs will be everywhere, especially on the turnbuckles.
If I could just reminisce about a time... sift through the past... and try to hear those themes, meet those personalities, and see those championships again for free, I would know for sure that they aren’t there anymore, but I can't. I know I can't get those memories back for good... but I don't want to continue to analyze the world of professional wrestling, thinking about the possibility that they might return. This week, I exist here not knowing how long it's been since I've listened to a great ditty, met a colourful character, or became blinded by the shine of an abundance of golden belts. So... how... how I can forget? How am I supposed to move on if I can't... move on in standard definition?
The Swerved Nation deserves to the return to the old World Wrestling Federation. On the other hand, I don't know whether or not the others should get the chance. Although, just because there are aspects of the past that some cannot and or should not be able to recall does not make my efforts meaningless. Yesterday's wrestling industry doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, or does it? Maybe I will write a textual picture to remind myself and others of this time, at least before it slips from my mind. Hey look; I found a glittery button. To which article of clothing does this particular fabulous button belong?
Does anyone have any bread by any chance? Ladies, do I have two pieces of bread right? If I do, somebody get me some peanut butter and a knife because this is my jam. Aside from Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, and Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko was my absolute favourite member of the Radicalz. When he turned from an technical wrestling iceman into a suave ladies man with a James Bond inspired theme, my love for him grew three times the original size of regulation love. Although a Light Heavyweight Championship reign was his greatest accomplishment in the World Wrestling Federation, I prefer his run in the company to his time in World Championship Wrestling. After all, Dean Malenko may have been a star Turnerland, but in Vince McMahon's WWF, he was a superstar. According to his brilliant Titantron, the new Dean was magnificent, marousing, malovable, malexciting, malenotorious, malenkinky, and malenkoutsanding. If you cannot be malenkinky like Dean Malenko, you do not know how to live. I tried to be malenkinky once, but I ended up bruising my dingle-dongle.
More often than not (with weather permitting), did you know that it is sexual, baby? "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry wants to give it all to you, but he must share his chocolate with his friends first before he gives you a taste. If he tries to keep his sexual chocolate to himself, others will perceive that he is a greedy person who hogs the world's supply of sexual cocoa treats for himself. During the Attitude Era, Mark Henry was my favourite sexual wrestler who was also sexual food, next to "Sexual Halibut" Chainsaw Charlie and "Sexual Tofurkey" DOA Member Crush. Unfortunately, Mark Henry’s sexiness attracted Mae Young, but that is the downside of being a sexual food product. As the saying goes, with great power comes Mae Young. Sometimes the chocolate mixes in with soft serve ice cream to create a refreshing and erotic treat. Other times, the chocolate melts into a creepy old lady's bowl of applesauce. Welcome to the life of late 1990s Mark Henry. Yeah, right on.
The late and great Owen Hart was a two-time Slammy winner, an exciting in-ring performer, and a man who had danger signs on his tights as a means to warn others that his hips and abdomen were dangerous body parts. As part of the Nation of Domination, Owen Hart became the best member of the Hart family with the rocking "Enough is Enough," a song about change coming to you from a steel mill or an industrial warehouse with sparks flying everywhere. During his theme, did you hear steel hitting steel? Well, that was Owen Hart attacking a steel pipe with another steel pipe, furious that steel was not willing to be a flexible alloy. Unbeknownst to many current wrestling fans, flexible alloys were one of two premium resources in the industry at the time. What was the other premium resource? If I had to guess, probably silicon boobies. Everyone had them, except Owen Hart because silicon boobies are not that flexible either. Unlike him, they are not willing to change for the better in a steel mill or an industrial warehouse with sparks flying everywhere.
In the year 1999, four WWF superstars were brave enough to take on their former allies in the form of the mighty Corporation, a stable led by one Shane McMahon. As the Corporation dominated the company, The Big Show, Mankind, Test, and Ken Shamrock joined forces to battle the corporate beast in the only way they knew how: with pieces of wood. How do four guys with 2x4s defeat a stable of over ten performers? As if they were avenging the death of their fathers by a vile group of sharp and rusty nails, they swung those pieces of wood fairly hard at them, but just for a month or so because that wood is heavy. Some may claim that The Union's theme song was too simplistic and bland, but repeating the word "union" and the sound of a steam whistle is intimidating to me. The next time that you see me on the street, please do not say, "union," and blow a steam whistle in my face. When I run my daily errands, I bring one pair of pants with me and do not wish to change into another pair.
I cannot help but deem the old Hunter Hearst Helmsley as wrestling’s most fantastic incarnation of Triple H. Grown men who can wear ribbons in their hair and equestrian pantaloons with dignity are admirable human beings. Furthermore, a Triple H who comes out to such a distinguished masterpiece as "Blue Blood" is a true king. Perhaps, he is a king of other true kings. In addition, he may gain additional employment as an assassin who is cerebral. On the other hand, the wisecracking Triple H does nothing for me. For the last time, I do not want to play any predetermined games with you; I want to ride white horses in the countryside, then sit down in a gazebo and have a delightful brunch of tea and crumpets to your old theme instead. Even though you do not care for the song, I'm loving the flute work. Your flutist must be a bomb expert because he or she is blowing me away. Because you cannot grant my realistic wish, why don't you be productive and help your friend Shawn Michaels make money? One of you can make lemonade, while the other builds the stand. Be gone, 2009 Triple H.
Deep down, I am a fan of Sean O'Haire for numerous reasons. Reason the first, he overcame the odds and won the WCW Tag Team Championship with Mark Jindrak. In turn, I can't even properly clothe myself knowing that Mark Jindrak exists somewhere on the same planet. Reason the second, he was a Natural Born Thriller. Compared to him, I was born to naturally born kill, not naturally born thrill. Therefore, I applaud his lifelong ability to thrill other people, places, and things. Reason the third, his devil's advocate gimmick in WWE was good in the neighbourhood, until Roddy Piper and Mr. America came into the picture with their oldness. I will always appreciate that Sean O'Haire wanted to be a devil's advocate in a period of angel advocates. I don't like to learn anything worthwhile, so his interest in telling me what I don't already know was rather convenient. Once WWE learned that he was telling wrestling fans what they already know, they released him for not fulfilling his duties as a wrestler slash performer slash actor slash teacher. How dare they. How dare they all the way.
A wise man once told me that you never realize what you have until you lose it. I did not perceive him to be wise because he gave useful advice, but because he kind of looked like the love child of Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Iron Sheik -- the Obi-Wan Kenobi of professional wrestling. As I recall his wise words, I think back to the WWF Divas of yesteryear and wonder about Tori. For those of you who are unaware of Tori's role in the WWF, I hope you recognize as soon as possible. Tori was psycho Mickie James before Mickie James turned psycho. She broke Kane's heart before Katie Vick, Terri Runnels, Lita, Kelly Kelly, and one-fourth of the world's female population broke it. She was Raven's ninja before Eve Torres dressed as a ninja. Now that she is gone, I miss the psychotic, heartbreaking ninja. Wherever you are, Tori, I would like to thank you for your dedication to your wrestling craft. I will never forget your decision to wrestle in a feline leotard at WrestleMania XV after performing as "Toricat" in the Philadelphia production of Cats. Memory, turn your face to the moonlight. Led the moonlight lead you until you fall back into the skinny arms of X-Pac.
Essa Rios, an extraordinary Mexican talent and former WWF Light Heavyweight Champion, first made his debut in the company as Papi Chulo. In Spanish, "Papi Chulo" means "Hot Sandwich Table." With a name like "Hot Sandwich Table," how can you lose? Of course, he became an instant hit with fans of Sunday Night Heat, who enjoyed to eat their hot sandwiches on a solid surface such as a table. Out of all the talented WWF light heavyweight contenders, Essa Rios became a featured player for he knew the least English. For some reason, I think his lack of knowledge about the English language made him better than the rest. Wouldn't you like to live a life in which you don't understand or communicate with Brian Christopher? In dreams, I wish to be like Essa Rios. I wish to not know English, flip a whole bunch, and flip a whole bunch with Lita, who flips a whole bunch as well. I shall call my alter ego, "El Pollo Guapo," also known as the Polo Playing Hamster. Look out, Juventud. Salamanders struggle against hamsters.
As I became a follower of the entertainment sport of masterful grappling, Ahmed Johnson captured my imagination like no other Ahmed before him. In my opinion that is humble, Ahmed Johnson was a great WWF Intercontinental Champion. Since I determine the greatness of WWF and WWE Intercontinental Champions by their ability to look shiny at any time of day, Ahmed Johnson ranks as one of the everlasting legends. Some words that I would use to describe Ahmed Johnson are the following: big, strong, powerful, resilient, skilled, and salty looking. In life, one tends to encounter an individual who manages to appear sticky, shiny, and sweaty at the same time. Now and forever, I refer to these sticky, shiny, and sweaty individuals as "salty" by their appearance alone. Once you take a look at old episodes of WWF RAW, you will find out that Ahmed Johnson looked the saltiest. In today's wrestling scene, doesn't saltiness mean anything anymore? His Pearl River Plunge was high in impact and sodium. For goodness sake, he can take the ‘T’ out of someone’s name.
Wrestling fans may mean well, but they are often forgetful creatures. Unless a certain performer is present to remind them of what they should be doing, they are lost young men and women. One day, Vince McMahon will realize that his promotion lacks a talent who can remind the fans that they need to call their mothers when they accomplish tasks to an efficient degree. From his days as the victim of Scott Norton's constant beatings to his shining moment at the 2004 Royal Rumble, I will be an admirer of Ernest "The Cat" Miller until I take my fatal dive into a pile of naked ladies and doubloons. So far, my unofficial name for my demise is the Scrooge McDuck Special. The night prior to the unfortunate event, I will wear ruby slippers and dance like nobody is watching, informing my mother about my dancing accolades over the phone until "The Cat" makes his overdue return. You are my majesty, Ernest. My words are earnest. Somebody call everyone.
As a golden rebuttal to Stone Cold Steve Austin's Smoking Skull Championship Belt, The Rock introduced the Brahma Bull Title to the wrestling masses. While I am not a fan of custom championships, the Brahma Bull Championship Belt is an exception. In order to become the championship of bulls, The Rock had to defeat an actual brahma bull. If The Rock was a part of WWE today, he could easily beat a brahma bull by showing him Southland Tales, but back then, he had to wrestle one in impressive fashion. He had to wrestle that bull with one hand behind his back, one leg behind his other leg, one eye open, one lip tucked into his mouth, and one elbow transplanted onto his other elbow. How do you like them fight-spoiling words, John Cena's WWE Spinning Championship Belt? I bet you will be speechless, but for now, you are spinning.
Speaking of championship belts that are championship belts to only one person, I remember John Cena's Spinning U.S. Championship as the better spinning title of the two. For one, the citizens of the United States of America love objects that spin rather than objects that do not (on the other hand, Canadians enjoy objects that eat at Tim Hortons refuse to admit that they are heavily influenced by American culture). I do not have much experience with American women, but whenever I visit the country, I try to spin around really fast and look diamond-encrusted to woo them. Nine times out ten, my technique works in a manner that doesn‘t work. To be honest, the Spinning United States Championship was superior to the world title for it was silver and not tacky. If I could, I would turn back the forward hands of time, take the spinning U.S. belt out of JBL's exploding trash can, and replace it with the spinning version of the WWE Championship. Why? I want to wear the Spinning United States Championship to my future child's wedding. I want to be classy.
TAKA Michinoku. Christian. Jeff Hardy. Gillberg. What do these aforementioned entertainers have in common? Not only are they future members of the WWE Hall of Fame, they are former owners of the illustrious WWF Light Heavyweight Championship. While diehard fans of WCW may consider the Light Heavyweight Title as a poor man's Cruiserweight Championship, they do not understand that poor men do not win the former belt. You see, poor men “borrow” the belt. Before they can lose this bet, they pawn the championship off for open cans of expired tuna because they cannot afford closed cans of expired tuna. In other words, poor men are poor and do poor stuff. At this point, World Wrestling Entertainment does not need the return of the Light Heavyweight Championship, but they need Gillberg to make a comeback. They have many sparklers and minimal opportunities to utilize them. The 4th of July is not a frequent holiday.
Am I cuckoo like a clock, or did WWF feature championship belts with coloured straps during the Attitude Era? According to my photographic memory, which is rated R for coarse language, scenes of violence, and adult situations, the European Championship had a green strap, the Light Heavyweight Championship had a red strap, the Intercontinental Championship had a purple strap, and Stone Cold's reign was celebrated with a new world championship, which sported a blue strap. I am not sure why WWF chose to colour these belts, but I applaud them for their attention to the small details. First and foremost, Stone Cold Steve Austin is an anti-authority, anti-hero for the blue collar, hardworking, middle class man. Secondly, Stone Cold Steve Austin loves to colour coordinate his belt to his jeans. Oh, underworld affirmative. If you agree, give Stone Cold an underworld affirmative.
For a brief period until the death of the WWF Hardcore Championship, title holders came down to the ring with their own custom belts. The original Hardcore Championship that you know and love is my least favourite belt of the Attitude Era for it appeared as though it was a prestigious piece of hot garbage. While I am not saying that Bradshaw's belt with the longhorns is any better than the shattered championship, Tommy Dreamer's title with the New York, New York license plate was the best improvement. At that time, I was glad that Tommy Dreamer registered his championship belt with the city because I do not care for wrestlers who illegally drive their belts to the arena. If Dreamer was to accidentally hit another championship belt with his own title, he would be unable to drive away unscathed because the victim would take down his license plate number and report him to the proper authorities. No doubt, Thomas Dreamer is extreme -- extremely responsible. Once in a while, he will hit his opponent with a cushioned chair. Also, he will use a cheese grater in the ring to make nachos for his rivals. Good for him.
Monday, January 05, 2009
The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 57th
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You will never like turtles
You are not a turtle lover
You prefer hermit crabs
You like what I allow you to like
You like, you like, you like, you like what I allow you to like (you don't like)
You're just an outdated internet reference
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You think you like turtles
You will never like turtles
You are not a turtle lover
When you watch the teenage mutant ninja variety, you have an apathetic expression on your face
The Question:
Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
There's a next week now?
AND
We could tie our shoes together -- our tennis shoes -- and we could throw them over telephone wires. Because I see that everywhere and it seems like people would have fun doing that. Like, how hard can you throw? You know what I mean?
Futures
The year is now 2009. Did you have a great 2008, or did you waste your time trying to shoot lightning from your fingers as a means to impress Michelle McCool? Why you gotta disrupt the weather system like that, man? Distinguished meteorologists are furious with you, no doubt. You're not the Undertaker; cool it with the lightning. After all, Michelle McCool admires a certain undead living zombie thing for his personality, and for his ability to shoot lightning out of multiple places. Don't even try to conjure up a few downstairs bolts. You're only going to hurt yourself and the woman you love. Undertaker is a responsible undertaker. He doesn't shoot his lightning willy-nilly. He doesn't get lightning rods or umbrellas pregnant.
As for me, 2009 has been super sweet so far. Look at me driving my flying car. Check out this futuristic barbecue set. I don't need to use charcoal. I'm cooking space burgers in January. I'm watching a hologram of last week's Friday Night Smackdown in mid-air. You've never seen Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder this way before. Come join me in this futuristic world and see what it's like to live in a wonderful time.
What should we expect this year? When I look into my crystal ball, I see a lot of clear stuff. Other than stuff that is clear, I see stuff that is very clear. Now that I can see so clearly, I'm just going to make things up as I go along -- this is the WWE way. Oh, what a wonderful WWE Universe. A WWE Universe is comparable to a regular universe, if a regular universe enjoyed Michael Cole's company.
Who will emerge as the next great superstar? Who will win one of the three main championship titles? Who will show up on all three shows week after week, completely breaking the remaining half-rule of the WWE Brand Extension? Everyone? More than everyone? As we look to the future, let's ponder about what could be. Our future is whatever we make it. So, let's make it a somewhat not horrible one.
Randy Orton will hear voices in his head that counsel him. Those voices will understand, will talk to him. Meanwhile, Randy will not pay attention to the voices that matter the most: the voices in his heart. Kelly Kelly may have been a one-time fling, but Cody Rhodes is the one. Nobody breathes as heavily as he does; you know that, Randy. He's using his nose and his mouth. Have you ever had someone do that for you? He's saving up an oxygen nest egg for the both of you. Breathe in his love.
Stephanie McMahon will continue to be self-conscious about her weight to the extent that she forces WWE cameramen to stop filming her from the waist up. Throughout the year, Stephanie will urge the cameramen to move their cameras higher and higher. In December, they shall film her from the hairline up. What a fat hairline. At the same time, Shane McMahon will return and become self-conscious about his greying hair. In every segment that features Shane, cameramen will film him as he runs really fast, combing his hair with flour.
In spectacular fashion, Deuce's gimmick as Sim Snuka will prove to be unsuccessful. Once Legacy discards him from their group, Sim will embark on a soul-searching mission. In a desperate attempt to succeed in World Wrestling Entertainment, he shall transform himself into a computer game entitled SimSnuka. The object of SimSnuka is to build and maintain a city of "Superfly" Jimmy Snukas against the environmental threats of flooding, fires, and earthquakes. He will gain popularity with the construction of a convenient mass transit system.
Michael Cole will spend his days creating controlled frenzies for his personal enjoyment. First, he will secure rubber bands around the claws of several crabs, then agitate the crustaceans by throwing droplets of boiling water at them. Next, he will attempt to eat soup on a flat plate. Later on, Michael Cole will wear a pair of shoes covered in sharp nails and jump around a bouncy castle. Finally, he will taunt Chris Jericho about his younger days as a foolish showman, then immediately dress him up in multiple suits. Jericho will look stylish, professional, and serious, but he will not mobile enough to attack Cole because he will be wearing twenty dapper suits at once. In response, Cole will celebrate by eating a bowl of chili -- mild chili. Let's not get too frenzied.
John Cena will tweak his persona from a guy who wears hats, jean shorts, and wristbands a lot to a detective who discovers that his girlfriend has been kidnapped by a bad guy. In my WWE debut, I will become the bad guy who kidnaps Cena's girlfriend. In order for Cena to save his girlfriend, he will have to help me save my girlfriend, who has been kidnapped by another bad guy. If I want to save my girlfriend, Cena and I will have to help that guy rescue his girlfriend from another bad guy. If that bad guy wants to save his girlfriend, Cena, myself, and that other guy have to help that bad guy save his girlfriend from John Cena, the kidnapper of that third bad guy's girlfriend. Somewhere in this story, the film's girlfriend will be kidnapped as well.
In a hilarious segment of hilarious hilarity on the first 2009 edition of Smackdown, Triple H showed Vickie Guerrero an action figure in her likeness that had a ironically thin body. In my culture, showing an inaccurate action figure to the individual whose appearance inspires the production of the toy is the ultimate insult, next to stealing his or her spoons from a closed cupboard. With that said, Triple H is in for a world of insults. Soon enough, Vickie Guerrero will respond to his presentation by showing Triple H an action figure in his likeness. Underneath the action figure's clothes, Vickie will reveal a genuinely funny person.
Eve Torres, the lovely winner of the 2007 WWE Diva Search and current Smackdown backstage interviewer, will continue to do what she does best on the grandest stage of them all. In an interpromotional mic holding match at WrestleMania XXV, Eve Torres will defeat a RAW microphone stand and an ECW ledge. She will dedicate her victory to Ken Kennedy's overhead microphone cord. After the event, Eve will try to continue her winning ways, feuding with wireless microphones in a battle of old school versus new school.
Christian will make his triumphant return to World Wrestling Entertainment and win the one championship that continues to elude him. I hope you're paying attention, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska. Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island. South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Viriginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. Here he comes, United States Championship. He's going to rule all y'all. Well, except for you, North Dakota. He doesn't care for you that much. Years ago, he bought a mesh tank top there. The tank top was itchy.
Hurricane Helms will continue to adorn his skin with Olde English tattoos. Recently, he had his last name tattooed on his back to show others that he is the sole owner of his shoulder blades. Eventually, he shall attain a tattoo of his first name on his chest, his middle name on his head, and his likes and dislikes over his eyes to prove that he owns a lot of body parts on his body. In addition, he will tattoo the words "Green Lantern" under his Green Lantern logo tattoo to clarify that he enjoys the comic book superhero known as the Green Lantern and not sideways TIE fighters or Super Mario Bros. trampolines.
In a future Pay-Per-View main event matchup, Triple H will defeat Edge with a Pedigree. The Pedigree will be so lethal that Edge will bounce off the canvas all the way up towards the heavenly clouds. In six months, Edge will return with a beard, but a beard that helps others. He will store care packages of bread and wine in his beard while wearing flip-flops and a long white robe.
Vince McMahon will appease jaded fans of the old Extreme Championship Wrestling and bring the brand back to its roots. Diehard followers of Paul Heyman's extreme promotion will reluctantly return to the product, only to warm up to the idea once Heyman returns to WWE. On the first edition of the new ECW, Paul Heyman will welcome fans back to the Land of Extreme. In turn, the fans will react with enthusiastic, aggressive ECW chants. In the opening match at the Hammerstein Ballroom, Tommy Dreamer will reintroduce a returning Sandman. As the ECW fans sing along to "Enter Sandman," Sandman himself will take an expected time of fifty minutes to enter the ring. Once the bell rings to start the extreme match, Tommy Dreamer will softly blow in Sandman's ear for the disqualification.
Future WWE Megastar John Morrison will break away from The Miz to begin a successful singles career. While hardcore wrestling fans will cheer for him, casual followers will condemn Morrison when they learn what he does with his abs. When we first saw Morrison and his sparkly abs, he claimed that the glitter was "icing on the cake." What is the truth? Some men grate cheese on their abs, but Morrison grates innocent fairies on his six-pack. Crysta from FernGully had a bright future ahead of her. Why, Morrison, why? It should’ve been the Tooth Fairy. Get your own teeth, lady. I know you’re building an igloo with those teeth.
As the number one worm-eating superstar on ECW, The Boogeyman will get an alarming wake-up call when he encounters the newest extreme signing. At the conclusion of another Boogeyman victory, he will loom over his fallen opponent with worms dangling from his mouth, only to be attacked by Earthworm Jim with Mini Boogeyman in his mouth. This ambush sparks an epic feud that lasts an epic two days.
DJ Gabriel and Alicia Fox will prove to the world that they are the best dancers in World Wrestling Entertainment -- rights worthy of bragging. One by one, Gabriel will challenge each member of the ECW roster to a dance contest and defeat them without difficulty. Fed up with the lack of competition, Gabriel and Fox will challenge anyone else in the company to try beat him. At WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut, thick smoke in the shape of a mirrorball will billow from the rooftop to signal the Pope Todd Grisham's entry into the dance contest. Matt Striker will be his Alicia Fox. Excessive (holy) thrusting and cupping may ensue. Watch Grisham’s hat for it is pointy.
Hornswoggle, the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon and the legitimate son of Finlay, will execute a Tadpole Splash so mature that the move becomes a Frog Splash. Consequently, the Frog Splash turns Hornswoggle into a six-foot-tall leprechaun with adult problems of his own. Finlay wants you to attend Notre Dame, but you would love to go to trade school. Even though you are over twenty years old, you can vote now. You can vote as many times as you want as long as you only want to vote once. Finlay does not need to cut your steak anymore. Your tricycle will be a bicycle.
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