The month is October. The year is 2008 Common Era. Who are you going to be this Halloween? Will you wow the costumed men and women as a confused naked man, or are you actually going to try to dress up this year? Before you relay your costume idea to me, do not chicken out and cut holes in a white bed sheet. As much as I dislike ugly people, I dislike ugly people in uninspired ghost costumes more. At twelve years of age, a ghost made me a man. I know that doesn't count because ghosts are supposed to be transparent, but the pain hurts all the same. I was never in love with you, ghost. You took away my flower. Why did you have take away my whole garden? I am not pure anymore. My wedding night is ruined.
For those of you have no clue what to wear, look no further than World Wrestling Entertainment for possible ideas. Professional wrestling is a colourful entertainment sport. Aside from fencing, wrestling is the one sport that allows its competitors to simultaneously wear pleather and fringe. As you watch WWE programming, you should notice an intriguing costume concept or two. You can't watch one minute of RAW, Smackdown, or ECW without seeing a wrestler in a vibrant costume. For example, Snitsky wears black. I can't believe that Snitsky wears black. Is he aware that he's wearing black in front of millions of people? Halloween happens once per year, Gene.
A few curious readers have inquired about what I plan to wear for Halloween. I won't give the secret away, but I will give you a hint: I am going to dress up as someone whose first name is apparently Kung Fu. This way, I can participate in a hilarious backstage skit with a man of African-American descent. Together, we will sing songs that refer to my first name. Also, we may sing songs that share similarities with other songs that refer to my first name. At the end of this skit, your love for comedy and professional wrestling shall come into question. Did you get the hint? Oh, I can't wait any longer. I must tell you. I'm going to be The Boogeymanatee -- half-Boogeyman and half-manatee. I told you that WWE is rich with costume ideas.
Essentials: On your day off from playing Connect Four against hookers for Ritz Crackers, summon every tattoo artist on Earth by waving a band of barb wire into the air. When the League of Extraordinary Tattoo Artists gather in your living room, hire them to cover your body in every tattoo imaginable. If one tattoo artists wants to give you a tramp stamp that features Kermit the Frog scoop-slamming Abraham Lincoln, let him do so. Do you prefer Abraham Lincoln scoop-slamming Kermit the Frog instead? Too bad. I have made the decision for you.
Perhaps Randy Orton is right: you cannot live life without wearing Affliction shirts. If you don't wear Affliction shirts, Randy will think that you are a pansy. You better start enjoying the sight of two skulls staring at each other while a haphazard chunk of vines penetrate the eye holes. You better start liking the image of a fiery cross next to a cross of fire next to "Sailing" singer Christopher Cross, stuck behind a wall of flames. Hey, nothing you can say will change Randy Orton's opinion of your non-Affliction-wearing self. He is back in WWE. He is insulting WWE Superstars without retribution. Don't give him a reason to come after you.
On Halloween, I recommend that you wear about five Affliction shirts at once. Why? Mixed martial arts fighters (or men who resemble mixed martial arts fighters) get women. Mostly, they get hurt, but they get women, too. While you want to attract ladies in slutty Halloween costumes, you don’t want to be too attractive in your Affliction shirts. In other words, don't wear six or seven Affliction shirts at once. The slutty real estate agent at your friend's Halloween party will think that you are easy. No sale.
Essentials. Before you drape a replica World Heavyweight Championship over your shoulder, you must put on a dress shirt and tie that are tight enough to swallow your neck. In business attire, Chris Jericho's neck disappears. If you ask me, Chris Jericho must be a heelish magician with that neck-disappearing act. I bet he's going for the instant-Dean Malenko look, who was not born with neck. In my opinion, Jericho is twice as heelish as David Copperfield. As a reminder, have a friend or family member dress up as Lance Cade. As your Lance Cade emulates your short haircut, let him (or her) walk three steps behind you. If your Lance Cade walks four steps behind you, you will ruin the illusion that Lance Cade matters.
When Chris Jericho returned to World Wrestling Entertainment last year, I was not impressed. Just because Chris Jericho returns to the world of professional wrestling with a new, modern haircut and a shiny vest does not mean that he is better than before. Thankfully in 2008, Jericho has proven that is more than a flamboyant hostess at Harrah's as a convincing bad guy. May he be the champion of Monday Night RAW for years to come, or least until John Cena gets restless and reappears. Hence, may Jericho be the champion of RAW for another three hours and fifteen minutes. Well, three hours and fourteen minutes. I apologize for wasting that minute on Jericho.
Of course, the Chris Jericho Costume is not the scariest. In comparison, the Chris Jericho Costume is no Dracula or New Candice Michelle. Fortunately, Halloween is not all about scares. For the most part, Halloween is about candy. Lots and lots of candy. Even those “treats” in black and orange cellophane wrappers are desirable candy on Halloween. You may not enjoy Jericho's serious antics, but the costume gets results. In the real world, desperate fellows and fillies seeking work wear suits to make a positive first impression. If you want to impress others and get some candy, you must dress like a Christopher Jericho. When you have the suit, you will get the candy. When you get the candy, you will most likely eat the candy. When you eat the candy, you will probably feel tired and go to sleep. If you are looking for a way to get money or women through the Chris Jericho Costume, you are out of luck.
Essentials: First, you will need a pair of black tights with red trim. Whatever you do, do not wash these tights. If you want to be Kane, you must act and smell like Kane. You must provide visual proof that you do not purchase additional articles of clothing at a Wal-Mart or a Target. Kane doesn't purchase clothes at those places. Why should you? Next, you must wear one contact lens to show that you are a Big Red Monster who has astigmatism in your right eye but not your left. What should you do with your left eye? Put some Visine on that mother.
Children love Rey Mysterio. Without a doubt, WWE Kids Magazine readers around the globe relate to Rey Mysterio's everyday struggles. If young wrestling fans could sum up their life in two words, their answer would be Rey Mysterio. "I am the biggest little man, too. One time, while I was learning about multiplication tables at recess, Kane attacked me with a juice box in the parking lot." Rey Mysterio is the voice of a silent nation. Although, what about Kane? How come children dress like Rey Mysterio for Halloween, but not Kane? If I had to guess, children can't embrace the Kane costume because they don't understand it.
Don't be afraid, my children. Trust me when I say that Kane is a relatable character. Soon enough, you will seek revenge on your enemies without a shirt. As you mature, you will want to set people on fire. In particular, you will walk around with a gasoline can, looking for Oklahoman commentators to set ablaze. In addition, you may have an intrinsic desire to electrocute another man's testicles. When you‘re older, you will stop identifying with Rey Mysterio and start loving Kane. I know you don't think that you will ever stop loving Rey Mysterio, but your love affair with Rey is a phase. Your love for Rey is a part of growing up as a wrestling fan and a human being. Enjoy this Rey Mysterio love now for it will not last forever.
Essentials: You will need to adorn yourself with whatever Ashley Massaro wears. I'm talking about black bandanas, black backwards hats, layered skirts, and mesh t-shirts that make it appear as though you are a single pear that has been purchased at a grocery store.
Not everyone can look like a blonde model who gets with Test. Trust me. The other day, I tried to look like a blonde model who gets with Test. In the end, I rolled my ankle. I am never going to try to look like a blonde model who gets with Test again. On the other hand, anyone can resemble a blonde model dressed like Ashley Massaro with a little bit of effort. Did you see Kelly Kelly last week? She's all about looking like Ashley Massaro. Now, I see you, wrestling fans. Week after week, you drop to your knees in front of your television screens, wishing and hoping to be a model dressed like Ashley Massaro. Soon enough, that day shall come to pass.
The Halloween Costume Experts Association of North America (HCEANA) claims that Ashley Massaro is the most popular yet unattainable costume of 2008. While that claim is true, you don't have to spend this Halloween without an Ashley Massaro costume on your blonde model body. With a few alterations to your current wardrobe, you can become Kelly Kelly as Ashley Massaro. Turn your wardrobe inside out and backwards. For the second step, attack your wardrobe with a automatic machine gun. In one hour, you will become Ashley Massaro, your friend will become Ashley Massaro, and your estranged father will become Ashley Massaro. Ashley Massaro herself wants to become Ashley Massaro for Halloween, but I won't let her. I'm not afraid of Ashley Massaro costumes. On the other hand, the real Ashley Massaro scares me.
Essentials: In order to be resemble a heel GM the likes of Vickie Guerrero, you must use a wheelchair rather than your legs. I don't care whether or not you enjoy using wheelchairs. Do you hate wheelchairs, sir or madam? How about I break your legs? What do you think about wheelchairs now? You see, wrestling fans despise wheelchairs. In nightmares, wrestling fans run away from chairs on wheels. Perhaps they are scared of wheelchairs because they are foreigners. According to professional wrestling, wheelchairs hail from Russia. Since they are not from the United States, you must boo them.
Jakks Pacific has mass produced a Vickie Guerrero action figure. Due to this ingenious move, I assume that Vickie Guerrero is the most popular, evil, female Smackdown General Manager in the history of popular, evil, female Smackdown General Managers. Even though millions of kids will dress up as superheroes such as Iron Man, Batman, and Super Mike Adamle this year, just as many will don Vickie Guerrero garb. Do not be the only one on your block who does not look like Vickie Guerrero. After all, everybody loves somebody sometimes. The Swerved loves Vickie Guerrero sometimes. Every other time, The Swerved loves Vickie's wheelchair. Man, I wish to spend many sweaty nights with that wheelchair.
I hope Vickie Guerrero's wheelchair poses for Playboy at a convenient point before WrestleMania XXV. Once her wheelchair goes spread eagle before a heart-shaped bed, you can bet that it will receive a shot at the WWE Women's Championship. During the WrestleMania feud, the wheelchair will argue that every wheelchair's dream is to pose for Playboy Magazine. In turn, whoever is the WWE Women's Champion will claim that Playboy spreads demean wheelchairs and other freestanding, mobile transportation devices. Whoever is the WWE Women's Champion is right, you know. Wheelchairs should get by on their functionality and durability rather than their appearance.
Essentials: Hi; I'm talking about Dolph Ziggler Costume essentials. Do you have a hand? Do you have a hand that can open? Can that hand move up and down in a shaking motion? Can that move up and down in a shaking motion while it clasps another hand that moves in a similar motion? Do you appear tan to the extent that other people come up to and ask if you were involved in a freak tanning accident? Can you inject your weight in steroids? You can? Well, you're good to go, soldier. Get to Ziggling immediately before people find about you. Plus, don't tell your parents that you don't use protection. They don't want to be grandparents yet.
Hi; I'm talking about Dolph Ziggler. You don't have to dress up as Dolph Ziggler, you know. Maybe one-half children in total will dress up as Dolph Ziggler this year. Other than that one-half child, you can be my guest and dress up as whomever you please. As a suggestion, consider dressing up as Kerwin White's Caddy, or Nicky from the Spirit Squad. Both of those costumes are infinitely superior to Dolph Ziggler. If you still want to dress up as Ziggler, I suggest that you add reflectors to your costume. Your tanned skin will blend in with the October darkness.
Hi; I'm continuing to talk about Dolph Ziggler. On Halloween night, I am ready for those poor souls who don the Dolph Ziggler Costume. As they arrive at the front door of my aluminum teepee, I will give them Fun Size Snickers and Nestle Crunch. When they give their thanks, I shall sneak Kenny Dykstra into their bags. At this point in his career, Kenny likes to chill at my teepee. I put out a Kenny Zapper on my front porch, but he's still alive. I have to get rid of him somehow. Will you Dolph Zigglers help me, a professional wrestling analyst who struggles to keep Kenny from eating my garbage?
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