Dear Johnny Knoxville; my name is Stephen Rivera. I am the number one professional wrestling analyst in the entire industry. For over two years, my site, The Swerved, has been the home of wrestling truth. I do not tell a lie. I do not associate myself with people who lie. In fact, whenever I sleep, I do not even lie in a bed. If I need rest, I sit on my bed for an average of eight per hours per night and dream about honesty. Therefore, please take my words to heart: do not feud with The Great Khali. Of course, I am a big fan of your “Jackassery.” Perhaps my favourite stunt of yours was when you did that thing that got you hurt in the balls. Despite my admiration for your ability to char your groin on a rocket, I do not condone your attempted foray into the wrestling business. Before Khali murders you with his mere presence, take your honey-roasted nuts and go home.
While Jackass, an award-winning television show and critically acclaimed film series, continues to be relevant today (if I somehow knew how to build a time machine that could send the world back to the year 2000), World Wrestling Entertainment would be wise to not involve themselves in this mess. Why? Even though Jackass is as popular as ever, I think you want to start a war for which you are not yet ready. In my opinion, your feud with The Great Khali will not produce a winner. You see, Johnny Knoxville, you are a successful actor. For goodness sake, you are one of two Dukes of Hazzard County. Furthermore, Party Boy is a professional partier. I'm positive that he has a partying wife and kids to feed. Also, Steve-O is a certified doctor. Do you know what you're doing, Johnny Knoxville? When you choose to fight The Great Khali, you choose to lose everything. Why must you compromise the glowing reputations of yourself and the Jackass alumni for bragging rights? Why can't you and Khali get along, brother man?
Now, I understand your need to discover the exact size and shape of Khali's tallywhacker. Like any heterosexual man, you can't live another day without knowing the precise dimensions of his Member to Dismember. Then again, why must you argue over the size of the junk in his front trunk? Everybody knows that mine is the largest. Actually, I think that my man business has its own Wikipedia entry that it wrote itself. In reverse world, millimetres are larger than inches, right? Okay, good. Once more, mine is definitely the largest. Nevertheless, you should not fight Khali over such trivial questions. He will give you an answer when he feels like it. Until he responds, I suggest you attempt to make amends with him. Like yourself, Khali is a gifted actor. I saw him in Get Smart. He threw Terence Stamp over a bridge at the end. Bridge-throwing is what Terence Stamp gets for being General Zod years ago. The Great Khali is good people.
If you still do not believe in the magic of Khali, I shall propose a series of innovative Jackass stunts that both of you could try. Please do not write off the Punjabi Nightmare. One day, he will be your Bam Margera. If you stack five Wee-Mans on top of each other, you will get one Khali. What would you rather have: five non-Khalis or one Khali? Do not let this decision become your Sophie's Choice. Be a man and make the right one.
Sincerely,
This Guy Right Here
The following article features stunts that will be performed by a professional wrestler and the dude that was in that horrible film entitled The Ringer. Unlike you, both men will be under the supervision of Ranjin "Sideburns" Singh. Accordingly, The Swerved with Stephen Rivera and World Wrestling Entertainment must insist that no one should attempt to recreate, watch, or enjoy any stunt or activity proposed in this article. Get your cats and dogs to do these stunts and activities instead. They're not human. They don't have feelings. They either sit on a pillow for the whole day, eating Whiskas like a snob, or they transport Neo Citran in the snow. Those lazy pets need excitement in their lives.
"Port-O-Khali"
In a portable toilet, Knoxville rolls himself down the side of a steep mountain into another portable toilet that holds The Great Khali. The impact will knock Khali's toilet over, which will create a domino effect that topples a series of portable toilets, organized in the shape of Michelle McCool. Due to the rectangular nature of portable toilets, Knoxville and Khali will be unable to detail McCool's ribcage in an accurate fashion, but you will be able to see the Undertaker in the background. He will be chilling.
With Speedos full of Ragu, Knoxville and Khali will swim in a Olympic-sized swimming pool of pasta. The first man to eat his way to the bottom of pool wins a one-fortieth-eaten, Olympic-sized swimming pool of pasta. The loser will continue to have a sporadic, working relationship with Vince McMahon that does not benefit either party.
Knoxville and Khali will strip naked, then use a Medieval catapult to launch themselves into RAW play-by-play announcer Michael Cole. They will proceed to launch themselves again and again with the catapult until they uncover all nine of Michaels Cole's mystery erogenous zones. As a note, Cole's "skull" and "limb-like arms" do not count as erogenous zones for they are not a mystery. If Knoxville or Khali excite Michael Cole with a direct hit to one of these areas, you will not see an expression of shock on anyone's facial-feature-like face.
Knoxville and Khali will visit The Boogeyman on ECW and ask to borrow a couple of worms from his never-ending worm pocket. Knoxville and Khali will devour one worm each. Next, they will regurgitate the worms in hopes of catching dinner. Johnny Knoxville will get lucky and end up with a seven-pound sockeye salmon. Meanwhile, Khali will catch a boot. Well, Khali doesn't like salmon anyway. He prefers a one-hundred to two-hundred-pound halibut.
In honour of Vladimir Kozlov's devastating headbutt finisher, the duo will dish out violent headbutts to the ample chests of the WWE Divas roster. Those with natural busts, such as Brie Bella and Maria, shall receive one headbutt from each man. Divas with abnormally large, augmented chests, like Jillian Hall and Melina, shall receive ten headbutts. John "Bradshaw" Layfield will get about fifty headbutts for he is a perfect ten or twenty. He is rather buxom.
In order to recreate the most famous wrestling moment of 2002, Knoxville and Khali will dress up as Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn. They will walk around World Wrestling Entertainment wearing "Johnny" and "The Great" bandanas and short red tights. In addition, they will act in a flamboyant manner to make homophobic audience members uncomfortable. As the homophobic audience questions their own sexuality, they will attempt to forget that time that they felt funny in their pants during a private screening of Stand By Me. If the memory continues to bother them, they will boo and jeer Knoxville and Khali to release the demons that linger inside them. As the new Billy and Chuck attempt to get married on Smackdown, they will receive a quality gravy boat as a wedding gift from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). This group will believe that World Wrestling Entertainment is an honest, upstanding wrestling company. In the end, they will be wrong. After an unsuccessful ceremony, Knoxville and Khali will denounce gay marriage to make the homophobic audience feel comfortable again. You can go ahead and hang out with your buddies in your underwear again, wrestling fans. The demons are gone.
Johnny Knoxville will douse The Great Khali in gasoline and shove him into the fire within a Trick Candle Factory in Los Angeles, California. Knoxville will attempt to put out the flames with a fire extinguisher, but the extinguisher will shoot out colourful streamers rather than water. While Khali suffers third-degree burns to his face and torso, Knoxville will run to his home in Knoxville, Tennessee and attain the hose from his kitchen. Knoxville will run out his front door to put Khali out of his misery, but the kitchen hose will only reach Scottsdale, Arizona. In the hospital, Knoxville and Khali shall share a laugh over this humourous occurrence.
Knoxville will dress up as former Baptist minister and current pop music manager Joe Simpson. Khali will adorn a pink bikini and dirty blonde wig to become Jessica Simpson As Knoxville in Joe Simpson-like attire compliments Khali's curvaceous, Jessica Simpson-esque figure, Khali will warble the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl. In most cases, the Star Spangled Banner takes three minutes to sing. When Khali transforms into Jessica Simpson, he will emulate her grating, unnatural singing style to make the Star Spangled Banner last fifteen years long.
In a challenge that tests both participants' physical and mental strength, Johnny Knoxville and The Great Khali will take a shuttle to the sun. Without sunscreen, they will rest on the surface of the sun in order to become as tan as current World Heavyweight Champion Triple H. After five hours, Knoxville's skin will resemble a crispy slab of bacon; he will succumb to exhaustion. One hour later, The Great Khali will turn into a raisin. Unfortunately, neither man will manage to match Hunter's inhuman skin colour. Triple H is a walking mahogany hutch.
As Giant Panda Bears, Knoxville and Khali will wrestle within the confines of the Punjab Prison. At the same time, they will be the only individuals in an arena of 18,000 who enjoy Punjabi Prison Matches. No wrestling match in history has as much bamboo as the Punjabi Prison Match. Due to the marginal popularity of the Punjabi Prison Match, the Giant Panda Bear population shall rise again. Take this news and inform yourselves, Arctic Polar Bears. Knoxville and Khali hope you like the Endangered Species List.
Out of character, Knoxville and Khali will put on work overalls over wrestling tights. For several weeks, they will carry legendary WWE Superstars Kenny Dykstra and Ryan Braddock inside their moving van for laughs, but really silence. As Khali drives the van from The CW to MyNetworkTV, they will search the television landscape for lower ratings and a collective display of audience apathy. In conclusion, they will have little difficulty finding both.
For this year's Cyber Sunday, Knoxville and Khali will act as members of the WWE Universe and vote via text message. Even though the word cyber is a computer term by definition -- which means that Cyber Sunday should be an event that is strictly determined by internet voting -- World Wrestling Entertainment prefers to use the definition that does not exist or make any sense whatsoever. For next year's Cyber Sunday, Knoxville and Khali will vote via telegraph to Samuel Morse. Who will face Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella at Cyber Sunday 2009? If you want to see Sgt. Slaughter do one move, tap dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dash-dot on your T-Mobile telegraph to Morse now. If you identify with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's hatred for shoes, tap dash-dash-dash, dot-dash-dot, dot-dot-dash. Finally, if you like "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and wish to congratulate him on his constant pregnancy, tap dash-dash-dash, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot. Each vote costs one dollar. Telegraph carrier charges apply.
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