When I'm not saving the world from harm or using mind control to form an army of amicable yet aggressive penguins, I like to take a quick gander at World Wrestling Entertainment’s official website. For years, WWE.com has provided its fans with breaking industry news, in-depth, informative stories, and the best merchandise money can buy. Why purchase necessities like food and clothing when you can get a beach towel that features the San Diego area code? Why save up money to send your kids to college when you can splurge on Shawn Michaels' Christian-themed shorts? Do you want to fill up your vehicle with precious gasoline, or do you want to repeatedly hit yourself over the head with an inflatable sledgehammer? The answer should be clear to you.
Out of every feature on the WWE website, the exclusive videos are my absolute favourite. I love these WWE.com Exclusives as if they were members of my own family, or generous mistresses of mine, willing to experiment with fellow mistresses. Not only can you watch highlights of RAW and Smackdown and find out the Original ECW Moment of the Week (Ricky Ortiz proving why he is the only Ricky Ortiz in WWE), you get entertaining segments with entertaining hosts. These exclusives are gold, my friend. As if you are a 19th century prospector, go ahead and chip at other websites with an axe, but you cannot prospect this greatness elsewhere. Move over, other video segments that feature wrestlers who talk about other wrestlers. Make room for WWE.com Exclusives. They are internet video segments that feature wrestlers who talk about other wrestlers. They are here to stay.
More exclusives, I say. More WWE.com Exclusives for one and all. I would not mind if WWE replaced RAW, Smackdown, and ECW with televised internet exclusives. In fact, I would prefer them. What would you choose? Two hours of Randy Orton complaining about the shortness of his hair or Morrison and Miz rapping beside train tracks? A Friday Night of Triple H speaking in a sarcastic tone in place of saying something funny, or Santino Marella, whose mere presence is comedic? As for ECW, Mike Knox's overabundance of charisma cannot make up for the show’s bland nature. Therefore, ECW should feature double the internet segments on television in an attempt to match his charismatic self.
This week, I look at these exclusives with a fair, objective eye. You know me. I am a fair professional wrestling analyst. I treat professional wrestlers and WWE with the utmost respect. I never tell them what to do and when to do it, so why should I start now? Like you, I am a mindless wrestling enthusiast. I have no opinion of my own. I am not a fan of heels because WWE tells me they are bad people. In turn, I am a fan of faces because WWE tells me they are good people. World Wrestling Entertainment can do no wrong. Unlike World Championship Wrestling, Vince McMahon and WWE never raided another promotion's roster for selfish purposes. They simply borrowed talent for a period long enough to appear as though they owned them. Other promotions do not exist. World Wrestling Entertainment rules. Now and forever, Stephanie McMahon is a better writer than I.
In a world full of winners and losers, former WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz present "The Dirt Sheet." As the name suggests, this segment dishes the dirt about every WWE Superstar known to man, woman, and child. Because "The Dirt Sheet" is quite dirty, Morrison and Miz wish to clean it. If they use Bounce, they are out of luck. Whenever my sheets are dirty, I use a combination of Tide and pleasant thoughts. If I manage to catch the dirt before it settles into the fabric, I use Shamwow, the unofficial cousin of Bow Wow. I recommend Morrison use Shamwow to remove the glitter from his abdomen. While I appreciate the sentiment, glitter is difficult to remove. Many hostile suspects on Cops douse themselves in glitter to evade arrest.
Hurricane "Gregory" Helms may think that John Morrison and The Miz are not entertaining, but I disagree. Morrison is as tan as the Pope (Todd Grisham). The Miz is a chick magnet, which means that he attracts women made of iron and other sturdy alloys. What proof does Helms need? If Morrison and Miz are boring, how come Captain Highpants sponsor their show? Shawn Michaels and his high pants do not lend their likeness to any show. Captain Highpants is the Pepsi or Coca-Cola of WWE.com sponsors. Therefore, only shows like The Dirt Sheet receive the love. Perhaps Gregory should stop criticizing Morrison and Miz's comedy and start finding out how to escape from that oval in the top left or top right corner of our television screens.
Until that day comes, I shall put Morrison and Miz's rap on repeat. They are the Lyte Funky Ones of our generation.
Do you like street lingo? Cryme Tyme has your hook up, son -- for true. Like “The Dirt Sheet,” Cryme Tyme’s “Word Up” is informative. One particular gift that both segments have given to the world is the epic rivalry between Cryme Tyme and John Morrison and The Miz. While Shad Gaspard and JTG deem Morrison and Miz's friendship to be a "bromance," I cannot help but see the irony in their statement. A brotherly romance with deep-rooted, homoerotic undertones, you say? My word. Sure, Cryme Tyme are free to call Morrison and Miz’s relationship whatever they wish; the team is rather close and friendly. With that said, how is Cryme Tyme's relationship not a bromance, too? Shad and JTG do everything together. They make money as one. They dance together. They engage in crimes at various times as a unit. Shad and JTG are more Bonnie & Clyde than Bonnie & Clyde.
Furthermore, I never see Shad and JTG with any women, except Kelly Kelly. Whenever Kelly Kelly shows up, Shad and JTG act like they have never seen an attractive women before. I see girls like Kelly Kelly every day, but only from the back for I fear emotional attachment. If Cryme Tyme wants to throw insults around, they should be aware of their own faults. Since Cryme Tyme love to do the crime together, they must love to do the time together.
I guess this "money, money" they speak of refers to the coin rolls in
their pants. Whenever they say, "yeah, yeah," they agree with the fact that their respective coin rolls have ascending denominations. As their eyes meet from across the room, Shad and JTG's coin rolls of pennies transform into coin rolls of quarters, if you catch what I am throwing. One day, I hope Cryme Tyme will gain the courage to cash in on their inner desires. Life is too short to not love and be loved.
With Santino's Casa, Santino Marella makes me feel at home. Truly, Santino's Casa is The Swerved's Casa. Although, Santino's Casa is not your casa until you prove yourself worthy of living in such a casa. For me, home is a green screen with an overlay of a stereotypical Italian neighbourhood. Please do not judge how I live. This is how I do. I do not care how you do. Perhaps you dwell in a studio apartment overlooking Times Square. Perhaps you live in an empty Campbell's soup can. Wherever you live, make Santino's Casa your new home.
At first, you may question why the ladies love Santino Marella. After all, Santino Marella managed to woo Maria with the power of his Italian meatballs. If you want an answer, Santino's Casa can be that answer. If you want know why Beth Phoenix has fallen for Santino Marella, look no further than his glorious unibrow. Glamorous women from Amazon.com dig unibrows. As for me, I plan to grow a unibrow in the near future. After I grow this unibrow, I shall grow another. I want some he-woman love for once. I do not want to be tossed aside after use. I want her to hold me. I need to feel safe.
Lessons I learned from "Santino's Casa":
1) Santino Marella provides lighting and catering for Santino's Casa. He turns on the oven light and he's done with both.
2) Snoopy the Dogg ruined the inaugural SantinoMania with his ability to control arena lighting by adding "izzle" as a suffix to modern English words and phrases.
3) Santino Marella wants to use Mama Juana to have passionate relations with Britney Spears. Apparently, Santino is unaware that he can get with Britney Spears by asking her nicely.
4) Germans are the world's comedians. They make me laugh because they have such a quaint, low-key history with other ethnicities.
5) John "Bradshaw" Layfield claims that Santini does not have a clue about the American economy. In this case, I agree with JBL. A tiny version of Santino Marella would have poor to inadequate knowledge about the American economy.
Live on tape from the always vulnerable Spanish announce table, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich bring you "WWE En Español." Of course, I do not speak Mexican, but I must say that Cabrera and Savinovich are an enthusiastic, likable duo. Each week, they encourage me to become a worldly individual. On my next day off, I shall watch Telemundo a whole lot until I learn the language. While I watch, I shall eat Taco Bell. Through these activities, I will cross the border spiritually, but not literally. Yo quiero Mexican things and what not. Am I right, or am I right, Americans? By the shake of your maracas, please respond. Like my own beliefs, yours must be inoffensive as well. Viva Tostitos, everybody.
In the latest episode of "WWE En Español," Cabrera and Savinovich appear at WWE Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut to review RAW, Smackdown, and ECW. Even though I am not from the beautiful, exotic island of Mexico, I am able to pick up the majority of their discussion. During this episode, Cabrera and Savinovich claim that WWE Cyber Sunday will feature Chris Jericho and Stone Cold Steve Austin as electrical outlets. Also, Mike Adamle has a pet hamster of some sort. Cabrera says that the hamster may be named "Polenta." What a charming, delicious name. I am glad that Mike has found friends. Thanks for this information, Cabrera and Savinovich. For your troubles, I have made you a pitcher of lemonade. You may drink while you garden.
Well, well, well, disgraced teacher from New York, New York. What have we here? Your segment, which you call "Best WWEek, Worst WWEek," covers the best and worst events of weekly WWE television. Bravo for you. You call yourself an intellectual, but did you know that you are a thief, too? You are a thief and a liar. On occasion, you are a thieving liar in plaid tights. Thus, I despise you twice and a half times. Shame on you. Shame on you and the shameful horse you rode in on into Shamestown, Virginia. How dare you marry Pocahontas. I am a lover, not a fighter, but if I was a fighter, I would fight you to the shameful death in your cage of shame. When you sleep, you better keep both eyes open, Matt Striker. I do not know how you will be able to sleep with both eyes open, but find a way. You found a way to steal my idea, so find a way to slumber while awake. I have two fists. You have but one face. Take it easy.
As a means to inform the masses of Striker's wrongdoing, I give you Exhibit A in the first of numerous exhibits. On September 25, 2006, I wrote an article comparing the world of ultimate fighting and mixed martial arts to the world of professional wrestling with hilarious results. At the end of said article, I posed the following question:
Q: Did you know that Ultimate Fighter Forrest Griffin is neither a forest nor a griffin, yet Carlito is actually from the Caribbean and is cool?
A: Hahahahaha... wipeout.
Source: http://armpitwrestling.com/The-Swerved/The-Swerved-Sep-25-2006.htm
Where did Striker go wrong? Please observe the manner in which he spells "week." Next, notice how I spelled "week" over two years ago. You see, "WWEek" is my bread and butter or low-fat margarine. Every time that Striker spells week as "WWEek," he threatens my livelihood. Matthew Luscious Striker has no right to capitalize on the way I spell "week." I do not know him. I have never known him. I do not associate myself with liars, criminals, or meanie-bo-beanies. As long as Matt Striker continues to take advantage of my ingenious ideas, I will continue to make every week his "Worst WWEek." Do I make myself clear, Mr. Striker? I thought so. Good WWEek to you, sir. I said good WWEek.
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