The next day, after I completed The Booker and rocketed myself into superstardom, the Disco Inferno and I came home. Back to where we started. It was the 22nd of September in that Swerved Nation. Somehow though, things were different. Our past was here, but our future was in a more attractive part of the nation with pleasant-smelling people. And I knew, sooner or later, we had to move on up to live in that other part of Swerved Nation -- the wealthy part.
It was the last September I ever spent as The Booker. The next week after becoming the best wrestling booker in all the world, I was on my way. So was Triple H. He left Stephanie McMahon and married Lemmy from Motorhead, of course; gave birth to three beautiful babies with Lemmy-inspired facial hair. He's still asking people to play his game. As for Vince McMahon, well, we patched things up. Hey, we were geniuses -- for better or worse. One for all, and all for one until the bitter end. I think Vince McMahon should suck a dozen eggs, though. The shell must be on those eggs beforehand.
Linda McMahon tried to get into my pants. I must say, I don't think I am ready for her jelly. I don't believe I was ever ready. I'm scared to undress in my bathroom now. Shane McMahon; he did well -- new booker, Chairman of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, wearer of non-threatening baseball jerseys with his nickname on them. Shane's wife, Marissa Mazolla-McMahon, stayed on to host an updated version of the defunct show Live Wire. Enthusiastic conversations with Michael Cole seemed to suit her. In fact, she adorned herself in a cream-coloured suit and Vandyck beard and took over as the new Michael Cole one month later... after Vince McMahon retired and I was not present to have a say in the matter. Disco Inferno left the promotion the next summer to study how Total Nonstop Action continues to exist in Orlando. Still, we never forgot our promise. We disco danced, separately, in rowdy nightclubs for the next fifteen years. I was there to meet him when he came home -- with my wife, my other wife, my mistress, my mistress' wife, and some naked lady whom I met at a Laundromat. From what I could see, she is at least eighteen years old.
Like I said on that Wednesday to some guy and that other guy, booking a wrestling promotion never turns out exactly the way you planned. Maturing as a professional wrestling analyst happens in a heartbeat. One day, you're writing for wrestling fans with no teeth. The next day, you're writing for millions of wrestling fans with at least four teeth between them, but the memories of fantasy booking stay with you for the long haul. I remember a location, an arena, a ringside area, like a lot of other ringside areas. A ring like a lot of other rings before an entranceway like a lot of other entranceways.
And the thing is, after all this time, I still look back, and book.
Refresher Notes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. You cannot teach a old dog new tricks. On second thought, you can teach an old dog new tricks if you force the old dog out of power and replace him with an new dog who can disguise himself as the old dog. I can be insane like Vince McMahon. Hey, look. I'm in an onscreen affair with a Diva who admires me for my authoritative power. Take a picture because my ass will not be bare for much longer.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from its own foundation. This promotion provides its audience with new and entertaining feuds, matches, angles, and segments. The Hell in a Cell is a square. The Elimination Chamber is a circle. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment gimmick matches occur in the steel confines of the dreaded dodecagon. I am told that this dodecagon is a dangerous structure. My creative team adds that the overhead view for this match will make it look as though the wrestlers are competing in steel tea biscuit. I cannot wait.
- While one may notice a few similarities between World Wrestling Entertainment and Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, let me assure you that they are not identical. They are two, different worlds with opposite mindsets. World Wrestling Entertainment chooses sports entertainment over old-fashioned professional wrestling. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment chooses entertainment sports over old-fashioned professional wrestling. The promotions are not the same, nor will they ever be.
- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment forbids its wrestlers from appearing on television for multiple brands. If you want to see Jillian Hall sing her collagen lips right off her face, you must watch RAW. If you care about the life of Jesse of Jesse and Festus fame, Smackdown is your destination. Finally, Mike Knox is a precious commodity. He is the essential part of a complete ECW breakfast. He sets in the East so the sun can rise in the West. He is a solid gold bar that has relations with a tank of gasoline. He defines Extreme Championship Wrestling.
- Don't be afraid to gander at the archive section of this site for previous installments of The Booker. As we reach the final installment, do not forget about the past. We learn from the mistakes of yesterday and today to better ourselves for tomorrow. Luckily, I make no mistakes. I have learned nothing.
- Each month installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. When you leave this nest, I hope you raise your little chickadees to realize that they will never be as successful as this five-part series.
September 14, 2008
Presented by Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler: His ancestors used to ziggle for a living.
SWE Championship Match
William Regal (c) vs. Triple H
World Heavyweight Championship Casket Match
Umaga (c) vs. Undertaker
SWE Intercontinental Championship Cage Match
Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE United States Championship Match
MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Best-of-Seven Series for the SWE Tag Team Championship - Match 7: Ladder Match
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang
World Tag Team Championship Street Fight Match
Cryme Tyme (c) vs. LAX
SWE Women's Championship Submission Match
Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James
ECW Championship Match
Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles
Former WWE Chairman Vince McMahon decides not to live forever and force words into announcers' mouths.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela continues to be your Lord and Saviour. He catches up with Natalya to get her thoughts on Mickie James, who has requested another shot at the belt. Natalya laughs at Korpela's generic question as if he was not your Lord and Saviour. Natalya tells Mickie that if she wants another shot at the title, she will give her one. As a final note, Natalya adds that this supposed match will be made under her rules, not Mickie’s. This idea does not sound promising. At the Pay-Per-View, I bet Natalya wears her father's beard, then forces Mickie to wear a Jim Neidhartian beard as well. The match will consist of the two competitors eating soup. The wrestler whose beard touches chicken broth first loses.
- In a royal horse and carriage driven by Prince Paul Burchill, SWE Champion William Regal arrives to the arena. The horses run on carrots while the carriage runs on the magic of Disney. Regal takes the hand of Princess Katie Lea as she steps out of the carriage in a sparkling pink dress. Dang. I'm late for the sports entertainment prom. Where do I put my contract signing table that breaks if you breathe on it?
- Back in the locker room, Chris Jericho seethes in the corner of the room, playing the Rey Mysterio win over and over again in his mind. With a Mysterio mask in his grasp, he rips it to shreds. He should have disguised himself as a small child in that mask. Then, when Rey Mysterio made his entrance and touched foreheads with him in an endearing but somewhat disturbing way, Jericho could destroy him. Like many children, I too dream of touching foreheads with my favourite wrestling superstar. Alas, Konnan is busy. He is bowdy bowdy from Mondays to Fridays, then rowdy rowdy on the weekends.
- Homicide and Hernandez stand in a parking lot before a steel drum, burning Cryme Tyme merchandise in the glowing fire. Homicide wears a bandana over the bottom half of his face, sunglasses over his eyes, and another bandana over the top half of his face. Meanwhile, Hernandez is wearing one too many colourful ponchos. Together, they are the Latin American Ninja and Triple Juan Valdez. Tonight, Homicide looks forward to his one-on-one matchup against the battered JTG. He's not looking for an ambush, but a knock 'em, throw 'em out battle between real men. If JTG doesn't bring Shad, Homicide promises to not bring his boy Hernandez. Because Homicide is a noble thug, I shall believe him.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's refusal to face him. At first, Punk vents his frustrations about an Intercontinental Champion who refuses to defend his belt, but assures Korpela that Kennedy will get what he deserves at the Pay-Per-View. When Korpela inquires about the Pay-Per-View matchup, Punk hushes him up. You do not speak to Jack Korpela like that, CM Punk. You bow to him, then you eat a Communion wafer.
- John Cena wanders the backstage area as a defeated man. He searches for someone to inform him of his opponent. Once he turns the corner, he meets Mark Henry. The World's Strongest Man tells Another Man Who is Strong in This World that Cena's time in the spotlight is over. Henry can't wait to watch Cena rise to the bottom of the SWE ladder while he rises to the top. In response, Cena uses his training as an onscreen marine to survive the harsh climate of SWE. First, he drains a litre of water from Henry's beard to fill up his canteen. Next, he lifts Henry up and finds a bunch of grubs to eat.
- A celebratory ceremony commences for King William Regal and his loyal subjects. The trumpets blare, the jesters juggle, and attendees dance around the maypole. Run with those ribbons. Run like you have never ran with a ribbon before. An army of knights accompany King Regal, Prince Paul, and Princess Katie Lea to the ring. Let us dine on the legs of oily turkeys. William Regal poses with the SWE Championship around his waist and commands silence. Since wrestling crowds love dancing around maypoles, they do not want these fun festivities to end. Regal applauds Triple H for his valiant effort at last night's Pay-Per-View, but stresses that a true king stays a king. Sooner or later, Regal tells Hunter that he will have to acknowledge the fact that in the battle of good and evil, evil (Triple H) never triumphs. As a kind gesture, Regal offers Triple H a place in his kingdom and assures him that he can teach him how to be good. Right before the celebration continues, Hunter walks out and starts Pedigreeing everyone in sight. In the middle of a juggling act, Triple H Pedigrees the jester. Against a wall of knights, he Pedigrees them one by one. In reach of Regal, Hunter lunges at him. Prince Paul intervenes to knock Triple H out with a set of brass knuckles. This calls for a song of victory... on the lute.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. At the request of King Regal, the Princess promotes a main event matchup between Triple H and her brother. When Korpela looks to Prince Paul for a reply, Paul is unable to speak. Eventually, the Princess snaps her brother out of his trance. the Prince says that if King Regal wants a bloodbath, he shall get a bloodbath. I'm not a fan of bloodbaths. In my opinion, bloodbaths take too long and you end up wrinkly as you leave the tub. I love to take blood showers, though. You're in, you're out. Blood showers are convenient and refreshing.
- The SWE Intercontinental Champion shows his intercontinental face for the first time in forever. Mr. Kennedy tiptoes around the backstage area on the lookout for CM Punk. He asks various members of the production crew about Punk's whereabouts while he clutches his championship belt to his chest. If I was Mr. Kennedy, I would be scared, too. Imagine that man as he haunts your dreams. I don't want a straight-edge drifter in my fantasies about Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders providing me with free legal advise at an arcade. Let my dreams be dreams.
- The grey curtain is back for a promo with Cryme Tyme, the World Tag Team Champions. Shad and JTG inform Homicide and Hernandez that they would destroy a bunch of LAX merchandise, but they don't have any. Oh, snap (your fingers and or neck). Cryme Tyme believes that it is about time for a whooping. Shad challenges Hernandez to a match for next week's RAW. He puts his hand to his heart and promises that JTG will not be present. A man who appears to be JTG in a handlebar mustache may show up instead.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela returns to ask what Mickie thinks about Natalya’s recent comments. Mickie agrees to take on whatever Natalya has in store for her. Korpela mentions that Natalya has proposed a women’s Pay-Per-View match to end all women’s Pay-Per-View matches. While Mickie seems optimistic, she is not too confident when Korpela announces that Natalya has chosen to defend her title in a submission match at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Like Physiology, submission matches against Natalya "Ain't Too Furr" either.
- King William Regal summons SWE Women's Champion Natalya to his skybox. he tells her that she will not have to wrestle this week. He encourages Natalya to rest up for her big Pay-Per-View match. Supposedly, Princess Katie Lea wants to put on her royal wrestling gear and battle with the other ladies. To appease her needs, Regal has placed the Princess in tonight's upcoming Divas tag match. A princess who wrestles is my second favourite type of princess. With that said, I do not want to reveal my first favourite. If I reveal my first favourite, you will read me like an open book. As a hint, my favourite type of princess deals with a valiant teenager who excuses himself in her company on a consistent basis.
- Mark Henry eats ten thousand salty pretzels for his beard water leaves him overhydrated. I thought Mark Henry was successful as Sexual Chocolate, but this "Sexual Salty Pretzel" persona should make him a megastar. For no reason, let's team him up with Tony Atlas. Henry enjoys his pretzels until John Cena confronts him and takes one of them. The time is not now to be stealing pretzels. Cena reminds Henry to watch last week's match to see who's really on the rise. Henry is more concerned about Cena's pretzel-stealing ways and gets in his face before SWE officials break up the pair.
- At ringside, Hunter shuts Princess Katie Lea up by locking her in the Pedigree position. King Regal saves the day and puts Hunter in the Regal Stretch. Princess Katie returns to her feet stomps on Triple H's skull for good measure. King Regal is my kind of king. I despise the kings who show up to your door with Whoppers on a silver platter. I'm a McDonald's guy.
- CM Punk begins this episode of RAW with a special announcement for Mr. Kennedy. Unfortunately, the SWE Intercontinental Champion is nowhere in sight. Punk deems Kennedy's disappearance as worrisome yet expected. Punk reveals to the audience that at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr, Mr. Kennedy must defend his Intercontinental Championship. If he refuses to defend his belt in this match, CM Punk becomes the new champion by default. Punk takes a pause to build suspense, then tells the audience that he will face Mr. Kennedy in a cage match. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment cannot go old school and bring back the blue cage. Although, I plan to cover the steel cage in Smurfs. Is that fair? As he gloats about the match, a hooded man jumps into the ring and beats down Punk's lower body. With a steel chair in the man's hand, he gives brutal shots to Punk's knees and ankles. Punk screams in agony and tries to shield himself from further assault. The hooded man drops his weapon in an exaggerated manner. At segment’s end, Mr. Kennedy slams down his hood and raises his fists in the air. He is so intercontinental. Now, Punk will have to pull a Lieutenant Dan to climb the steel cage walls and win that match. This Pay-Per-View match is in the Pay-Per-View bag.
- Santino Marella and Carlito approach Super Crazy, who is super but just a tad crazy thanks to Mark Henry and a cold. After all, fall is flu season, ladies and gentlemen. Santino and Carlito wonders how they can be super and crazy to make it in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Super Crazy invites them down to the Super Crazy Expo for a super and crazy time. Cue the promotional, cheesy 70s video with funky, out of tune music. Being super and crazy in this workaday world is not as hard as it seems. In fact, super and crazy people are all around you. Are you looking hard enough? This hummingbird looking for nectar is super and crazy. This scientist in a leisure suit is super and crazy.
- Your Lord and Saviour interviews the Latin American Xchange. At the Pay-Per-View, Hernandez announces that LAX will take on Cryme Tyme in a Street Fight. I do not understand why street fights in wrestling occur in the ring when they should happen on the street, but I did not invent the street fight. One of my history books claim that Meriwether Street and William Fight came up with the match concept. Homicide says that the Latin American Xchange live on the street and will die on the street. I have two street urchins in my company? Sweet. This calls for Ramen Noodles. I don't have any Bud Light because beer is for the classless. I am not one of the classless. I stir Grey Poupon into a glass of Hawaiian Punch and drink it down with a sophisticated straw.
- A video appears to promote the Submission Match between challenger Mickie James and SWE Women's Champion Natalya at the Pay-Per-View. From this montage, we notice that Natalya wishes to break Mickie James' back. Conversely, Mickie James has a back made out of taffy. Her back will not break. Mickie James' back is the Ford Truck of human body sections -- long-lasting and dependable.
- This installment of Grey Curtain Promo Corner stars King William Regal and Prince Paul Burchill. Regal discusses what he desires to be his final encounter against Triple H at SWE Physiology Ain’t Too Furr. He is tired of Hunter's resilient attitude. He wonders why Triple H cannot admit that he has lost. Prince Paul tells Regal that SWE is full of people who cannot admit defeat, which proves to the Kingdom that they must be the ones to break their spirit.
- John Cena suits up for the main event against King Regal's Kingdom. Actually, Cena does not suit up as much he makes sure you can see his boxers over his jean shorts. Can you see his boxers over his jean shorts? You can? His work is complete. Mark Henry storms into the locker room and demands to know who John Cena believes himself to be. In 2008, John Cena is John Cena with boxers that slightly peek over his jean shorts. Even though John Cena has a match tonight, he’s game for a rematch against Henry in the future. Wait, nobody looks forward to rematches against Henry. The notion that someone would look forward to a rematch against Mark Henry both disturbs and arouses me.
- Chris Jericho stews in the locker room in his glittery boots. I wore glittery boots once. I decided to attend a Ultimate Fighting Championship event in Las Vegas, Nevada. Before I entered the facility, I took a wrong turn and fell down in the midst of a children's arts and crafts fair. I was fine. Plus, I was fabulous from the knee down.
- King William Regal arrives for a ceremony to honour David Harry Smith. Somewhere in Heaven, the British Bulldog looks down on his son with a smile. Also, I assume that the British Bulldog is continuously Rock Bottoming himself into a tray of dog poop with joy. If I am incorrect in my assumption, I apologize. I have no idea how British people in Heaven celebrate. Accompanied by Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea Burchill, David Harry Smith takes a royal walk down to the ring. Of course, the fans start their USA chants because you are never allowed to admire a professional who hails from a country other than America. If you are foreign, you are automatically the heel. If you are from the United States, you are automatically awesome and obese. Regal gloats about Smith's debut last week and informs the audience that his kingdom shall never fall with a man like David by his side. David Harry Smith takes the microphone and speaks about the legacy of his father. He mentions that the British Bulldog was one of the greatest power wrestlers in WWF history. He addresses Triple H and says that unlike The Game, dignity, loyalty, and strength runs through his veins. All that runs through my veins is blood. I was never meant to be royal. Woes me. As William appoints David Harry Smith as the Duke of RAW, Triple H appears on the Titantron to address the Kingdom. Hunter promises that the blood of royalty will run cold through the streets tonight. This RAW, Hunter will show David Harry Smith what it means to "Play the Game." Watch out, Duke Smith. Hunter is going to impregnate you. His seed wields a sledgehammer. Fo' sho'.
- A video montage shows the bitter turf war between Cryme Tyme and LAX. I was not aware gang members could battle over steak. Lobster is just as tasty. From what I gather from the montage, RAW is not big enough to contain these two teams. Well, I don't think that I need to contain them. They're not leftovers. They are noble thugs, except Homicide and Hernandez. They just tease me with Cracker Jack.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela conducts a sit-down interview with SWE Intercontinental Champion Mr. Kennedy. In a serious tone, Jack asks why Mr. Kennedy viciously attacked CM Punk. Without blinking an eye, Kennedy replies that CM Punk does not understand the duties of an Intercontinental Champion. At first, Mr. Kennedy thought CM Punk was naive, but now, he knows that Punk is nothing but a punk. Well, his name is not CM Upstanding Citizen. When Ken learned that he had to face Punk at the Pay-Per-View in a cage, he wanted to send a message to his opponent: Ken Kennedy does not need to prove himself to anyone. If Punk wants to settle the score in a cage, Kennedy has made sure that Punk never walks out of that match on his own power. The moment that Punk made this bout a cage match, he created a prison. Ken states that Punk is nothing more than a prisoner in his own prison. This interview is nice, though he forgot to repeat his name into the overhead microphone. Mr. Kennedy calls his microphone Starla.
- Backstage, WWE officials find Mickie face down on the concrete. She appears to be unconscious. Will Mickie James gain revenge on Natalya at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr? I'm not sure. Once again, physiology ain't too furr. Psychology is furr, though.
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela shows up live to interview Mark Henry, the Sexual Salty Pretzel himself. In this upcoming match, Henry wants Cena to know that he's not afraid of his F-U. In comparison to the sight of a grotesque, fire-breathing monster, John Cena's F-U is like seeing a woodland nymph play "Hot Cross Buns" on the piccolo. You tell him, Mark Henry.
- To a loud chorus of boos, King Regal and his loyal allies take their seats in the skybox. Wrestling fans don't like it when wrestlers sit in the skybox. Wrestlers in the skybox reminds them of the time when WWF screwed up the WCW Invasion by having WCW invaders sit comfortably at a WWF event. I see you eating that guacamole dip with your finger, Mark Jindrak.
Triple H vs. William Regal: 90%
Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 90%
Mickie James vs. Natalya: 77%
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 83%
The Animal hates to be loved in cracker form.
- In Vickie Guerrero's office, Edge places a frozen streak against the side of the face to sooth the facial pain inflicted by Montel Vontavious Porter's accidental Superkick. The SWE United States Champion asks the R-Rated Superstar what he can do to make things right. The Smackdown General Manager stresses that since La Familia helped him, Porter must help La Familia. Once Shawn Michaels is gone for good, MVP assures Edge and Vickie that he will do whatever he must to pay them back. He should've asked for my help. In return, I want his inflatable tunnel.
- Maria, in clothes made by Maria, interviews Paul London and Brian Kendrick. London and Kendrick are not happy with their deficit in the Best-of-Seven SWE Tag Team Championship Series. Maria inquires about their strategy for Match #4, which is about to take place in a few moments. Paul London says that they will do what they do every night -- try to win. I thought he meant that they were going to have a pyjama party. I brought my Noxzema for nothing.
- Backstage, The Great Khali and Jamie Noble play Rock Band. Naturally, Khali rocks the microphone. On the drums, Jamie Noble insists that they need a guitarist to complete the group. The Great Khali tells Noble that two people are enough. In turn, Noble claims that the best bands in the history of music have had three or more people. For example, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem had six members. The Great Khali adds that Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem do not count as a real band. Noble quips that Khali's face is not a real band. Vladimir Kozlov arrives onto the scene and criticizes Khali and Noble for dilly-dallying. An ecstatic Noble embraces Vladimir and hands him the guitar. Kozlov throws the guitar down and reminds them of their match tonight. Noble calms down Kozlov by letting him play the drums, but Vladimir refuses and curses them out in Russian. I don't care if you prefer Guitar Hero. You better drum with them on Expert, fool.
- Coming to you live on tape from a spooky graveyard with too much fog, the Undertaker speaks of revenge on the Samoan Bulldozer. The Undertaker has died many times, but soon, Umaga will learn how to perish. Through videotape, he asks Umaga what he thinks about coffins. I told you, Undertaker. Umaga can't not no speak Anglish. He probably thinks coffins are gigantic, hollow candy bars in which chocolate elves live.
- Elsewhere, the wise Funaki instructs Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter about fighting. Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. Hence, he is the wisest person that one can know. Funaki holds up a steel board and asks Ken Doane to break it. Doane attempts to break the board with a spin kick, but fails. Jeter tries to break the board with a straight jab, but hurts his hand. Funaki shakes his head in disappointment and asks them to break the steel board with their mind. The Cobras look at each other, quite bewildered. Once more, Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. He just impregnated your girlfriend through positive thinking, or through the power of TAKA Michinoku's Capri pants-ish tights.
- In an interview with Maria, Chavo Guerrero insults the Big Show. He cannot insult the Big Show and get away with it. The Big Show will waste him. The Big Show will take the fact that he is big and the fact that he is a show and show Chavo in a big way why people call him the Big Show. I don't call him the Big Show. I call like him the Large Program.
- Shawn Michaels arrives to the building late for one of his eyes runs on Pacific Standard Time while the other runs on Eastern Standard Time. Behind Smackdown security, Montel Vontavious Porter informs Shawn of his upcoming matchup against Umaga. As Michaels threatens to Superkick MVP, Edge and Bam Neely take down HBK. In the background, Montel Vontavious Porter giggles with glee. The highest paid superstar on Smackdown is the best giggler. His Breathe Right nasal strip allows him to giggle with minimal nasal congestion.
- Undertaker's music plays over the speaker system, which cues up the druids to make their dramatic entrance. Similar to last Sunday's Pay-Per-View, they roll out a large casket fit for someone who has the same build as Umaga. Like an elephant afraid of a mouse, Umaga slowly steps away from the casket. The druids push the coffin up against the apron in order to present it to him. Once Umaga creeps back towards the casket, Undertaker's hand busts through the lid to cap off this episode. The Undertaker has died many times, but he has no idea how to open a casket lid. You push up, then you push to the left.
- Shawn Michaels starts the show off in the middle of the ring. Why is The Heartbreak Kid so early? According to Shawn Michaels time, he should not be here until the last fifteen minutes of the show. Michaels shows his battered face to the camera and notes that the emotional and physical pain he has suffered at the hands of Montel Vontavious Power are no match for the brutality he has endured throughout his whole career. Well, Shawn Michaels did land lower back first onto Undertaker's casket. I guess this once career-ending back injury cannot be compared to MVP having giggle fits behind security. Michaels calls upon Vickie Guerrero to do what she wishes with him. Superkick or no Superkick, all he wants is another shot at MVP. As he is about to leave the ring, Vickie Guerrero makes her presence known. Vickie tells Shawn that the foolish antics of MVP will stop tonight, if and only if HBK can defeat both Edge and Porter in a handicap match. A victory shall grant him a Pay-Per-View rematch against MVP for the SWE United States Championship and full use of his Superkick. A loss shall ban him from Swerved Wrestling Entertainment for life. What about free hot dogs and Pepsi? As Chairman of SWE, I will give Shawn Michaels free hot dogs at Pepsi if he wins.
- Maria interviews Vladimir Kozlov, who rants on and on about Jamie Noble. I hope Jamie Noble is not around to hear this rant. He is a sensitive fellow. He can't watch himself wrestle because he believes that if you watch yourself wrestle, the television will devour his soul. Kozlov criticizes Noble's incompetence and The Great Khali's willingness to befriend such an incompetent fellow. Look, Vladimir Kozlov. Go play Guitar Hero by yourself in Russia. You're in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment now. When us normal people are gaming, we enjoy the company of others.
- On the other side of the wall, Jamie Noble listens in with the assistance of a glass cup. The Great Khali asks Jamie what Kozlov is talking about, but Jamie refuses to say. I see the hole in your heart, Jamie Noble. You can spackle that hole shut all you wish. From personal experience, I know that you cannot repair it. That hole is as big if not bigger than the one left in my heart when WWF released Tiger Ali Singh. Come back to me. Where are you, Babu?
- In the locker room, The Cobras asks Funaki why he didn't wrestle. Funaki ignores their questions and meditates in the corner of the room. The Cobras reluctantly join him to get a possible answer to their question. After the brief session, Funaki assures Doane and Jeter that you cannot wrestle until you learn how to professional wrestle. Because Funaki does not consider himself to be a professional anymore, he loses. Until that day comes where we can be professional, we are but mere amateur wrestlers. The wise Funaki is pretty wise. The label does not lie.
- The Gregorian One, also known as Gregory Helms, encounters Finlay in the backstage area. Finlay forgets his name because Gregory Helms' theme has not yet played -- the one in which it informs the viewers that Gregory Helms' first name is Gregory. Gregory Helms is offended by Finlay's forgetfulness. Helms leaves in a huff as Hornswoggle refers to him as "The Hurricane." What would I do for Hurri-Powers? I would most likely trade in a Klondike Bar for Hurri-Powers.
- SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter paces down the popular backstage hallway in preparation for the main event. A large man taps him on the shoulder. Porter swats the hand away for the first two times, but the hand grabs his arm on the third attempt. Porter looks up and meets the Big Show. MVP waits for Show to speak. The Big Show stares at him without saying a word. Porter wanders off due to a mixture of confusion and fright.
- Undertaker stalks the foggy graveyard and vows vengeance on Umaga. On this special edition of Unsolved Mysteries, Undertaker presents a story about a group of ghosts who haunt an old hotel in Topeka, Kansas. What does Umaga have to do with this haunting? These ghosts haunt the old hotel for Samoa. For this injustice, the Undertaker will make the casket extra uncomfortable. He will take away most of the padding inside.
- Backstage, the wise Funaki teaches Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter the meaning of The Cobras. Doane and Jeter assure Funaki that they know who they are, though they cannot convince Mr. Funaki. The wise one from the Land of the Rising Sun instructs Doane and Jeter to be one with the cobra. In other words, Funaki forces Doane and Jeter into a wooden crate filled with venomous cobras. Doane and Jeter are frightened in the crate until Funaki tells them to sing the snake charmer song. Of course, they soothe the cobras' souls with a rendition of Joe Esposito's "You're The Best Around." On the outside of the crate, Funaki nods his head in approval. Then again, he rhythmically nods his head. Perhaps he simply digs the song. Cherry passes the wooden crate and greets Jeter with a flirtatious smile. Cherry and Johnny Jeter? If the Elisabeth Shue fits, Jeter can be her Macchio Man.
- In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov attempts to discuss the upcoming six-man tag match with Jamie Noble, but Noble appears standoffish and aloof. Don't act like you didn't dis him, Vladimir. I saw your hatred for Jamie in HD. As we are all aware, that much definition does not lie. While Kozlov raises his voice at Jamie, The Great Khali argues with him and requests that he should lower his tone. For the entire segment, Khali consoles Noble by brushing his hair. I need Khali's services. My hair requires a brushing and I am distraught because of it. When will he console me?
- Montel Vontavious Porter ventures to Grey Curtain Promo Corner. Humble in defeat, he congratulates Shawn Michaels on his victory last week. He apologizes for the pain that he has caused HBK and does not want Michaels to think ill of him. Because he is the reigning SWE United States Champion, sometimes he does what's right for the gold rather than what's right for others. Tonight, MVP invites Shawn to join him in the VIP Lounge so he may apologize to him in public. I am not a gullible man, nor am I dishonest, so let me call a spade a spade. MVP is the Most Valuable Player in the game of heartfelt sincerity.
- On this edition of the VIP Lounge, MVP waits patiently in the ring for Shawn Michaels. He encourages the fans to stand up and cheer for the legend that is HBK. To their delight, Michaels shows up and talks down MVP. As Shawn approaches, Porter grins and signals to the back. Smackdown security runs down the aisle to attack Shawn Michaels because that is what effective security teams do during wrestling events -- they take MVP's monetary bribes and go to town on an iconic hobo. Due to the reinstatement of the Michaels' Superkick, HBK goes wild on the security team with Superkicks aplenty. When Michaels manages to lays out most of the security team members, MVP bails. Porter walks to the top of the ramp and waves goodbye to Shawn, only to walk into the Big Show. After a few punches, MVP evades further damage.
- London and Kendrick and Moore and Yang visit Vickie Guerrero's office for an important meeting. The Smackdown General Manager congratulate both teams on a tremendous series so far. Vickie reviews the classic matches of yesteryear and claims that this series should go down as the best. She wants both teams to know that the series will conclude at the Pay-Per-View in a match that is likely to steal the show. Before the teams can inquire about the seventh match, Vickie makes references to the "former" and the "latter," but she pronounces "latter" as if it has two Ds, not a pair of Ts. I know, I know. Can I guess? Are they going to have a former match? Hold on for one second. I don't get it. Thankfully, Vickie clarifies her witty pun and announces that Paul London and Kendrick will face Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang in a ladder match for the SWE Tag Team Championship. What is a former match anyway? For the finish of a former match, do I refer to the match prior to it?
- Maria interviews Gregory Helms and asks the question that every wrestling fan wants answered: why is his wrestling name Gregory Helms? Gregory scoffs at the question and does not choose to dignify it with a response, which is typical conduct for a man whose wrestling name is Gregory Helms. Gregory tells Maria that names don't matter when Vickie Guerrero believes in you. After all, he's in the main event tonight. For a man named Gregory Helms, this is a tremendous feat indeed.
- Umaga makes an abrupt entrance. With the World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth, he lumbers down the aisle and locks eyes with the Deadman. Umaga throws the championship belt down and proceeds to walk up the steel steps. As Undertaker prepares to fight him, Umaga backtracks and heads on over to the casket up against the apron. For about twelve hours, he divides his focus between the Undertaker and the casket. First, here's the Undertaker. Then, here’s a casket. Undertaker, Undercasket. Undertaker, Undercasket again. He looks back and forth so much that if you play this segment in slow motion, Umaga's head will turn at normal speed. Umaga attempts to destroy the casket with his bare hands. The Undertaker realizes Umaga's intentions. He executes his running suicide dive over the ropes onto an unsuspecting Umaga. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment can't build another casket that can house Umaga. Caskets for Umaga are difficult to make. I have to hire an casket interpreter for him as well.
- Maria interviews Shawn Michaels about his upcoming SWE United States Championship shot against MVP at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Michaels talks about the reinstatement of the Superkick, but says that he does not need it to defeat someone like MVP. Tonight, Shawn Michaels urges Montel Vontavious Porter and Edge to bring everything that they have to squared circle. They can’t bring everything. What are they going to do with a microwave or a shoebox full of receipts in a wrestling match? Cook their receipts on high for five minutes? That's a TNA thing.
- A video montage promotes the Pay-Per-View ladder match between London and Kendrick and Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang. I hope they will be able to the top the great ladder match moments of the past. Do you remember when Rey Mysterio and the late Eddie Guerrero fought for the custody of Dominic Mysterio? I do. I wanted to see Dominic hang from the rafters, which would force Mysterio and Guerrero to try and pull him down from the reinforced hook to win. Unfortunately, that's not how World Wrestling Entertainment does their ladder matches. What a shame.
- Backstage, Johnny Jeter encounters Cherry. The former valet for Deuce 'n Domino asks Johnny what he's doing after tonight's match. A shy Johnny Jeter replies that he may go down to the all-night mini-golf course. He asks Cherry if she wants to join him. Without hesitation, Cherry tells Johnny to pick her up at the end of the show. I don't know if Johnny should go out with her. He's from the other side of the tracks, while Cherry is from the other side of the other side of the tracks. Plus, Johnny's mother may embarrass him by asking Cherry to push their station wagon down the street. In the background, the wise Funaki believes that Johnny Jeter has made a wise decision to be with her. Mr. Funaki paints a traditional, Japanese, watercolour painting of Johnny hitting that.
- In defeat, Vladimir Kozlov expresses his disappointment with Jamie Noble's performance by laying him out with a headbutt. The Great Khali blocks Kozlov to protect his helpless chum. For Khali’s bravery, Vladimir rewards him with several headbutts. Kozlov exits the ring to the jeers of angry fans. Jamie Noble wanted to be your pal. Jamie Noble wanted to be the hitch to your trailer. Why, Vladimir Kozlov, why? I hope you get zero percent on every one of your favourite Guitar Hero songs.
- Bam Neely and a bandaged Chavo Guerrero stand before Vickie Guerrero's office door. Bam Neely states his interest for a shot against the future SWE Tag Team Champions. Chavo mentions that he is not in great shape at the moment. Neely and Chavo proceed to argue about whether or not they should enter the tag team title hunt. As a test to see if Chavo is ready to compete, Bam Neely questions if the Mexican Warrior wants to be a winner or wants to get destroyed by Big Show every week. Chavo is quick to reply that he does not want to face any shows that are of the big variety.
- Maria fails to get an interview with The Great Khali. The moment that she mentions Kozlov, Khali places his head in his hands. Thanks to Kozlov, I will have to buy Jamie a present for being such a trooper. Guess what, Kozlov? I'm buying Noble a copy of Rock Band 2.
- The druids gain another payday as they roll the now infamous wooden casket to the ring. Midway through the entrance, Umaga emerges from the back and attacks the druids. He screams at the casket and waits for the lid to rise. After inspecting the exterior of the casket, Umaga opens the lid and finds it empty. Umaga tilts his head in confusion and digs around the casket in hopes to gain a hint about the Undertaker's whereabouts. While he reaches both hands into the casket, the arena lights go out. When they return, the entire aisle is filled with wooden caskets. Yes, we got our wholesale discount. Thanks, Casket Emporium. Surrounded by wooden caskets, Umaga freaks out and attacks them all.
Undertaker vs. Umaga: 90%
Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 87%
London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 71%
- Pope Todd Grisham renewed his “poping” license.
- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager addresses the audience from his disco office. Disco encourages the viewers to stick around tonight for they will see Samoa Joe defend the ECW Championship against a random opponent. I will be there because I have no choice. Plus, my remote is so far away. My remote sends me postcards from Parts Unknown, which looks like a nice metropolitan area, reminiscent of Chicago. Because my remote writes to me from Parts Unknown, it can inform me about some parts of the city, but not others.
- We return to Disco's office where he prepares to pick a random opponent for tonight's main event through a Rube Goldberg machine. A tennis racket will hit a stick of dynamite, which will lodge itself into a birthday cake. When the birthday cake explodes, a piece of cake shall hit a piñata suspended above the room. When that piñata swings five times to the right, it shall hit a set of dominoes in the shape of the ECW logo. When the dominoes topple, the last domino will strike a marble. That marble will roll down a ramp counterclockwise. When that marble hits the bottom of the ramp, it will trigger a catapult. That catapult will fling a hat into Disco's hands. In the end, Disco will put a bunch of names into that hat, then pick a name. How simple is that? Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin barge into the room to discuss their worth to the brand. Disco chastises both men for interrupting him. Burke and Benjamin wonder when they will get their rightful shot to shine in ECW. Fed up with their whining, Disco agrees to take both men under his wing and lead them to greatness. Yes, this will be great.
- A Braden Walker-like figure appears in front of an Old Western saloon. He sports a cowboy hat, a pair of cowboy boots with glistening spurs, and a dust-covered jacket. A scruffy gang appears in the windows of the building, toting rifles. Without speaking a word, the figure points his index finger like a gun at each gang member. Through the power of his finger bullets, half of the gang falls backwards while the other half's pants fall down to their ankles. So, he's playing Wild Gunman? Nuts. My light gun doesn't work anymore.
- AJ Styles walks down to the ring and snatches Joe's ECW title from the timekeeper's table. He slides into the ring and tries to hand the belt to the champion. Samoa Joe argues with AJ about the whole deal. Joe eventually grabs the belt from him with a annoyed expression on his face. As Joe turns around, AJ Styles kicks Joe in the back of the head with the Pelé. AJ's sneaky tactics inspire me to do something better with my life. When I get the chance to hand out college diplomas for my future alma mater, I shall hand each graduate the rolled up piece of paper, then unleash a tiger on that graduate.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews AJ Styles concerning his recent attack on ECW Champion Samoa Joe. Because Joe knows AJ well, he does not understand how he did not see the Pelé coming. I don't blame Joe for not noticing the Pelé. While I am not a professional wrestler, I have been struck with the Pelé several times. In most cases, I was hit with the Pelé on a soccer field. I do not expect bicycle kicks to occur in a wrestling ring. AJ suggests that Joe should pay attention if he doesn't want to get hit with another kick in the future. The same sentimental goes for his opponent tonight. On this fateful Tuesday, Styles goes up against Jeff Hardy. This contest will be excellent. Get ready to embark on another fliptastic voyage.
- Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin cannot stop complaining to Disco Inferno. Disco shuts the two up momentarily by conjuring up a plan for immediate success. An ungrateful Burke and Benjamin convey their displeasure towards a possible alliance with Disco. The ECW General Manager reasons with both men and allows them to think this business relationship through before they commit. Disco warns them that if they refuse to align themselves with him, they will be sorry. A warning from Disco might as well be a warning from the President of the World himself. In a ironic twist, the President of the World is the Disco Inferno.
- Grey curtain promo bonanza. Samoa Joe, the ECW Champion, thanks AJ Styles for kicking him in the face. Of course, he is as sarcastic as a very sarcastic man. Samoa Joe urges AJ to challenge him for the title again to end their rivalry. He is so ready for him. Did Samoa Joe's mother sleep with sarcasm to make Samoa Joe? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, Samoa Joe is one-third Samoan, two-thirds sarcastic.
- Disco Inferno searches SWE wardrobe to provide a new look for Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin. Disco picks out two groovy two outfits in the bottom of the deep travel case. Burke and Benjamin express their hatred for bad clothing without seeing what Disco has picked out for the duo. They should not worry. Disco Inferno is a General Manager with a tremendous fashion sense.
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews a distraught Matt Sydal and Colt Cabana. Sydal glares into the camera and dares Big Daddy and Matt Striker to face them in a tag match next week. Sydal prays that Kelly Kelly is okay. He warns V that if he hurts Kelly, he will make him pay. This Abercrombie & Fitch model will make Big Daddy V his Abercrombie & Bitch. Uh huh. That's right, girlfriends.
- Backstage, John Morrison catches up with The Miz and berates him for his no-show last Tuesday. The Miz says that while he considers Morrison a friend, he needs to do what's right for himself. John Morrison his flowing hair and a pronounced jaw line. Does that mean anything to you? Morrison wants to talk more with him, but The Miz makes him talk to the hand so he can chat with Hollywood big wigs on his cell phone. Big wigs or Morrison's flowing hair? You can only choose one.
- "Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benjamin thank the ECW General Manager for his assistance. Disco Inferno stresses that they should not thank him; rather, they should thank themselves for embracing the majesty of disco dancing. Burke and Benjamin wonder where their new personas will take them. Disco answers their question by disco dancing. The first WWE Diva who disco dances on weekly television will be my soulmate. Put disco dancing John Cena in a feminine wig and he may make me swoon.
- A hype video features the Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. He walks to the arena at high noon, but the arena is not open yet. Please forgive him. He is new. In a deep, scratchy voice, "Wildcat" invites the audience to the Wild, Wild West. I'm there, Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. You're speaking my language -- English.
- AJ Styles and Samoa Joe have a heart-to-heart discussion in the ring. AJ and Joe agree that they their match at the Pay-Per-View shall be their last encounter for a long while. While they shake hands, AJ tells Joe that when he becomes the new ECW Champion, Joe can visit the belt whenever he pleases. AJ Styles and Samoa Joe must be brothers from different sarcastic mothers and or fathers.
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 90%
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