Some boys become doctors to cure the ailments of the world, one patient at the time. Some boys grow up to be lawyers to defend or reprimand human beings for the sake of truth and justice. Others become farmers to dig their ploughs into the earth, turning their manly seeds into nutritious fruits and vegetables. On the road to manhood, we give up on our lofty childhood dreams for the sake of attaining a safe and comfortable lifestyle. At least, most of us choose to strive for this cookie-cutter fate. You see, not everyone goes with the grain. For the Wrestling Professor, life as a professor who wrestles other professors is anything but a dream.
On the second anniversary of the birth of this fine, sexually attractive site, I -- The Swerved with Stephen Rivera's Stephen Rivera -- celebrate two years under the guidance of the Wrestling Professor. Without question, the Wrestling Professor is a great wrestling professional. From the moment I came aboard the Analytic Freight Train, he served as my wise conductor. Whenever I made an accurate or informative remark about the industry, his horn of triumph would echo across the plains. On the rare occasion in which I made an ill-conceived comment about the entertainment sport, he would beat me with his steel-enforced conducting gloves. "All aboard the pain train," he exclaimed as my tears of anguish became the metaphorical fuel that powered his chugging locomotive down the winding tracks. He's cool, though. He's cool. By the way, does anyone have a spare bag of frozen peas that I can use? Does anyone know the location of the nearest ice machine? No? That's cool. I'll walk it off. No worries.
Today, The Swerved is a wrestling juggernaut. As the readership increases from five to seven people (three of whom smell like stale tomato soup and desperation), I am forever grateful for his support. At the end of the day, the Wrestling Professor is the wind beneath my second layer of wind. Out of every Wrestling Professor in Swerved Nation, he is my fourth favourite by default. In part, I hereby dedicate the return of the Interviewerved to the Wrestling Professor. May you become a professor for a better subject in the future. How about Astrology? I heard that’s interesting.
World Wrestling Entertainment
Total Nonstop Action
The Swerved Nation
Friends and Lovers of Stephen Rivera
Derek Burgan
Santino Marella
The Honky Donky Man
Batman
Batman's Batmanagement Team
Noches de Pasion con Señor O' Brien
The Children’s Television Workshop
Red, White, and Blue Wrestling Ropes
My Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air
Chainsaw Juggler
Canned Peanut Brittle (The Most Common Snack in All the World)
The Moe Szyslak Experience featuring Homer
You For Smoking
Tampax
Roberto Luongo
Kelly Kelly's Chaps
Amazin' Ladies
Hardworkin' Ladies
Brainy Ladies
Lady-man-ladies
You and yours
Sincerely,
My Name Here
10 Questions: Famous Twos in Wrestling
1) As a professional wrestling analyst, I try to decipher reality from the fantasy world. Like a needy scavenger, I delve deep to uncover truth from a garbage heap of lies. Although nothing can stop The Swerved from finding the answers to wrestling's biggest questions, the mystery of Scotty 2 Hotty confounds me. You see, I do not understand the meaning of Scotty 2 Hotty's name. On one hand, Scotty 2 Hotty stands for a man named Scotty who exhibits an excessive level of "Hotty." In developing countries, citizens can only dream of such an abundant amount of Hotty. On the other hand, Scotty 2 Hotty may stand for the uplifting, emotional transformation of a man named Scotty to a man named Hotty. What is the actual meaning of this man's name?
WP: This is one of the biggest misunderstandings in all of wrestling. It was Valentine's Day 1998, and Scotty "Raven" Levy had sent a valentine's card to Stephanie McMahon. The card read, "From Scott 2 Hotty," but not before Stephanie could take her eyes off her "Wrestling Observer Index" did Levy's girlfriend storm inside the offices of Stamford, CT, demanding answers. She ripped up Raven's valentine's card in front of Stephanie's face, telling her to "Go to Hell, with the rest of your scumbag family." Embarrassed, Stephanie put the ripped card into the trash, where Duke "The Dumpster" Droese was training jobber Scott Taylor on janitorial duties. Scotty saw the "Scotty 2 Hotty" piece, while Duke saw the "From" piece, and the rest is history.
2) In one of my top 2002 matches of Summerslam 2002, Kurt Angle took on Rey Mysterio in what appeared to be a nifty candy striper singlet. From that Pay-Per-View forward, I have dreamt of a World Wrestling Entertainment full of superstars in candy striper singlets. Now that we are living in 2008, I am beginning to think that my dream will never come true. A dream is a wish your heart makes. Therefore, when will my heart get to see a bunch of wrestlers in candy striper singlets fight for volunteer work at my local hospital?
WP: Just get Vince Russo to read this interview and you’ll be seeing it on TNA Impact before the end of the year.
3) WrestleMania 2 was the first and only WrestleMania to simultaneously occur in multiple venues. At the time, the World Wrestling Federation could be in three places at once -- California, New York, and Illinois. At WrestleMania III, the WWF inexplicably lost its power. Maybe they lost this power in a gun fight. Maybe they lost it during a thunderstorm, atop an evil scientist's secret mountain lair. Whatever the case may be, how did the WWF receive this superhuman ability and how can I use it in my everyday life?
WP: Human cloning has come a long way since 1986, so if you wait a few more years and clinical trials, you just might be on the cusp of multiplying yourself by 3 and get your wish. Once you do this, you could date three women at once, each in a different city, as long as the women aren’t triplets. You could write three blogs, take three showers, drive three cars, and earn three salaries. But if Stephen Rivera #1 calls Georges St. Pierre a pansy and blames Stephen Rivera #3, then what would Stephen Rivera #3 do to escape this quagmire? Oh yeah, he’d just blame Stephen Rivera #2.
4) At WrestleMania X-Seven, Edge and Christian defeated the Dudley Boyz and the Hardy Boyz in the second Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match. During the match, Lita assisted the Hardys by showing her thong above her pants. Meanwhile, Spike Dudley assisted the Dudleys by wearing enough wrist tape to appear as though he had put on white magician gloves. Finally, Rhyno assisted Edge and Christian by becoming a anthropomorphic rhinoceros. If I competed in that match by myself, how would you help me win?
WP: Dress you up as Edge’s wife (to kill Lita), feed you carrots (to outweigh Spike Dudley and beat him up), and turn you into an asteroid (to wipe out the Rhinoceros). If none of that worked, I’d give you Andre the Giant’s b.o. so you’d totally clear out the place.
5) Mr. Wrestling II is the edge-of-your-seat, action packed sequel to Mr. Wrestling I. Then again, sequels are never as good as the original. While Mr. Wrestling II was successful before my time, I sense a underlying connection between this wrestler and I. In order to learn more about this man, I could read up on his life story, but history books never tell the complete tale. If you had to guess, what is Mr. Wrestling II's first name? I think it's Agamemnon, or J-Thrilla. I know Mr. Wrestling I's first name was Samantha.
WP: There was never a Mr. Wrestling II, and that’s what your readers need to realize. There was only Mr. Wrestling I (Samantha), and she used the same secret powers Vince used to make three simultaneous WrestleMania II’s in 1986. The question you should really be asking, Stephen, is where is Mr. Wrestling III?
6) World Wrestling Entertainment loves their makeshift tag teams. They can't get enough makeshift tag teams. They will not be happy until every team is of the makeshift variety. In the Attitude Era, perhaps the most popular, random duo was Kane and X-Pac. Only in WWE can you get a Big Red Machine to befriend a guy with stringy hair who sticks his tongue out the whole day and consumes copious amounts of Hansen's Energy Drink. Throughout their stint, rumours ran rampant that Kane was about to join DX and debut a brand new, neon green look. If Kane joined D-Generation X, how would the then-WWF alter his chilling entrance?
WP: It would be a mixture of the fiery explosions Kane is famous for and the crotch chops DX was famous for. Hence, Kane would set his crotch on fire until it exploded.
7) Speaking of D-Generation X, Triple H and Shawn Michaels think that two men can reform a wrestling stable which boasts an alumni of about nine people. When North America disbands in World War XIX, I shall reform the North American population with a dish rag. Forget about those other millions of people. In your opinion, how do two men equal a wrestling stable?
WP: Two men equal a wrestling stable when all the original men are too drugged out to reform as a united group. That’s also the same way legendary music groups can re-unite with only one original member. You booze, you lose. Just say No to drugs and Yes to nostalgic greed.
8) Diehard fans of the old Extreme Championship Wrestling promotion are quite fond of 2 Cold Scorpio. Even though I preferred Flash Funk for his proficiency in the art of being so funky, 2 Cold Scorpio intrigues me. At what temperature does Lukewarm Scorpio, who is born in lukewarm water between October 21st and November 23rd, become 2 Cold Scorpio?
WP: Lukewarm Scorpio became 2 Cold Scorpio as soon as Bill Watts was hired by WCW and he was on a mission to push as many African American wrestlers as possible in his quest to re-create the success of the Junkyard Dog. Scorpio blew away JYD as an athlete, but didn’t have the charisma or promos. And if you ever wonder why Scorpio never reached the level of potential he could have, watch his shoot interview and marvel at his immaturity.
9) The Brian Kendrick's finishing move is called "The Kendrick," but not too long ago, he called it "Sliced Bread Number Two." Many wrestling fans believe that Sliced Bread Number Two was the best thing since sliced bread, but I disagree. Yes, Sliced Bread Number Two is an innovative finishing move. Although, how do you make a delicious and satisfying ham and cheese sandwich with two finishing moves? You can't put ham and cheese between two finishing moves.
WP: I beg to differ. If there were ham and cheese between the Stratusfaction and Melina doing the splits, are you telling me you’re not going to eat up that sandwich like there’s no tomorrow? Especially if it’s grilled with a tomato and turkey bacon, lightly dabbed in “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” spray?
The Kendrick, though, should change his finishing maneuver to the Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Sandwich, which is my current drug of choice. Take two pieces of whole wheat bread, 5 grams of fibre each. Take some all-natural peanut butter and slather it on. Place 8 dark chocolate chips on each side (must be dark, because that’s the healthy kind), slap it together, and grill for two minutes in your indoor grill of choice (I like the Sunbeam Rocket Grill). Take it out, slice it diagonally, and enjoy true perfection.
10)The Swerved is two years old. Oh, they grow up so fast. First they are in diapers. The next thing you know, they're in prison for attempted murder. We must cherish these memories before they fade with the passing of time. At two years old, the site is becoming more mobile and aware of itself and its surroundings. With this newfound mobility and curiosity, The Swerved desires to take advantage of its growing independence. Unfortunately, independence for a two-year-old equals defiant and erratic behaviour that makes me want to tear my hair out. As a single working mother trying to make ends meet while struggling to find love in the city, how I can raise this site to its full potential? Sassy woman to sassier woman, tell me what to do so I don't have to think of a plan for myself.
WP: You are entering what parents call the “terrible 2’s,” a period of unrelenting horror, sleepless nights, not a moment’s peace, out of control expenses, temper tantrums, and generally feelings of constant suicide. Sadly, there is no answer for this phenomenon. I’m afraid you have no option and should put the Swerved up for adoption.
Once you find a suitable guardian, get spayed and/or neutered to ensure this never happens again. Then sit back, relax, and get ready to enjoy the best Swerved-free life you’ve ever experienced.
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