More Wrestling with Confessions

We all have thoughts we are unwilling to share. We all have feelings we refuse to emote. Wrestling fans especially have trouble articulating their true wants and needs in life. Why? Do you remember the days when the then-World Wrestling Federation and its superstars took inhuman risks and put themselves completely out in the open, grabbing the attention of millions of television viewers across the globe? You do? Well, do you remember the result of all that risk-taking? Broken necks and bones, career-ending surgeries, and the public formation of a performance expectation so lofty that no wrestler, male or female, could ever meet it, let alone dream to.

When the WWF had no limits, they put it all on the line, and their soul broke into a million shards of nothingness. With best efforts put forth, they had little to show for their troubles but pain and suffering. In the end, the company took a safer route, presenting a more reserved and methodical style of sports entertainment in order to live another day. Wrestling fans all over the world saw the damage that those bouts of recklessness caused, so they too decided to enforce safe-style... in their hearts.

Will wrestling fans ever be able to open up again? Only time and some guy who can read minds can tell, but for the moment, let me express my own feelings about the business. While I am aware of the fact that a single brave wrestling enthusiast does not speak for a million, I bet if I cloned myself 999,999 times over, I could come close to or match that amount. Today, let's start to make a difference. Let's begin to turn Earth into a place where we can live and think freely without the ref giving us till five to break it up. It's only three, ref. Not yet. Now, it's four. That's still not five.

If life was a live event, I'd be in line at the Confession Stand right now buying 2 Hot Dogs of Truth. These are my confessions:

1) When people voted on the next M & M colour, I voted for a Steel Cage Match on WWE.com. Steel Cage Match is not a colour in real life, but it is to me.

2) I could break The Master Lock. The combination is 42-24-33. Remember to begin by turning the knob twice to the left.

3) One time, I mislead a group of mineralogists by showing them the Wrestlemania X-Seven main event between a rock and a stone. After the match, I said, "Now you know which one has the most interesting minerals."

4) This secret must be unsecreted: the act of an old-school wrestler or manager throwing salt in his opponent's eyes is meant to balance out the throwing of pepper in those same opponent's eyes prior to the match.

5) Whenever a wrestler puts another through a table, I try to determine if he actually wanted to put his adversary through a table, or if he just wanted to set the table's centerpiece in an aggressive manner.

6) Due to extensive scientific research, I discovered that a superplex does not hurt the backs of both competitors if the executor of the move thinks happy thoughts beforehand.

7) When I think of Hulkamaniacs, I think of Sulkamaniacs: a group of individuals not in the mood to rip their t-shirts because of the plight of flimsy t-shirt manufacturers everywhere.

8) I assume Edge's motor vehicle is called the R Rated Supercar. Yeah, I said it.

9) Sometimes, I think about playing a drinking game: every time John Cena tries to say something serious, then tries to say something funny, then tries to say something serious once more, then tries to say something funny again, I take a drink. The truth is that I don't want to have alcohol poisoning eleventy times over, so I have some Fun Dip instead.

10) It's not Hell-in-a-Cell if you bring in a fondue pot and crank up some Brooke Hogan tunage. Instead, it would be more like a Partay-in-a-Cell.

11) When I'm watching an entertaining, dramatic match, I drop down to the floor and count pinfalls with the referee. Strangely enough, whenever I'm about to count the three, I'm mysteriously dragged away from the television and out of the room after two.

12) Like Shelton Benjamin, ice cream thinks it's being held down due to the essence of its being. "It's cause I'm neopolitan, isn't it?" Yeah, maybe. Nobody eats the strawberry.

13) In TNA, Raven has formed a Flock-like group called Serotonin. Their stable name made me sad because I thought they should've been called "Hey Pepto Bismol". The leader (Raven) could be nausea, while his underlings would be heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea. I'm not telling you which one would be diarrhea.

14) If multiple German suplexes equalled stamps on a card towards a free donut at a donut shop, do you know how many free donuts Chris Benoit would have had by now? A lot, but how many does he actually have? None. Benoit is not so great after all, is he?

15) I like to spit water like Triple H and position myself under the airborne droplets to recreate the Jennifer Love Hewitt Rain Scene from 1998's I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. "What are you waiting for?!"

16) If a friend and I enter a bad neighbourhood, and my friend gets attacked by thugs, I would help him, but I can't. I have to hold on to the bad neighbourhood tag rope until he tags me into the situation.

17) The gorilla press slam should be called "Elevated Ball Cupping". Don't get it? Don't worry. It'll come to you. Ah, there it is. Gross, isn't it? I know.

18) If I was going to challenge my enemy to a First Blood Match, I would just stick a needle in him when he's not looking and take a pint of his blood for the Red Cross. If my opponent asks what I'm doing, I'd say, "Winning the match." Then, the referee, who would have been hiding behind the desk, would reveal himself to my adversary. Next, the ref would raise my arm in victory as I hand my opponent cookies and juice, except he doesn't get brand name cookies and juice since he lost the match. With this plan, not only would I be victorious, but I would be helping all of humanity as well.

19) Give a man a chair, he swings for a day. Teach a man to chair... show me how that shiznit is done, dude. I never learned how to chair. Is chairing an east coast thing?

20) With psychological help, Super Crazy does not have to be super or crazy anymore. If he works at it, one day he can be Moderately Misunderstood.