Currently, World Wrestling Entertainment's Extreme Championship Wrestling is the third brand of three, providing exciting action consisting of a guy getting hit in the face with a fist, then another guy being gently placed on his back onto a mat. The marquee says, "Extreme", and the brand delivers. In fact, it is so extreme, it's as if it's not extreme at all.
The wrestlers of ECW have provided some amazing displays of athleticism throughout the show's history, but they have also created some fascinating moments via storylines, interviews, and segments. It feels like it was just yesterday that Paul Heyman's Personal Security entertained us all by struggling to keep their riot helmets and gear on their persons during physical altercations. It brings a tear to my eye that something that good was being offered to the wrestling public for free.
Are ECW and its performers the greatest things since sliced bread? Would you trust ECW to take care of your children if you ever tragically passed away in a motorboating accident? If ECW was a living and breathing female, would you find her attractive enough to enthusiastically engage in intimate relations situated at locations other than a comfy mattress? Professional wrestling wise, are these the weirdest questions you have ever been asked? I'm pretty sure they are, so let's move on with my analysis of the ECW roster before you walk away from the computer, and life, in fright.
Don't point that pointer at me, Teach. I'm trying to eat sausages here.
Out of all the teachers who have taught me over the years, I have never had a teacher who wore such skimpy wrestling tights as one Matt Striker does. Look Matt Striker, I think you are playing your role of an arrogant intellectual who believes he is above everyone else very well, but whenever I see you in the ring, you appear to have a constant wedgie. Furthermore, it looks like you are consistently aroused. Please stop everything. You are not teaching me anything other than how to violently vomit in disgust in three different ways and directions.
A teacher would never wear what you wear, so why don't you put on something conservative? I'll be sure to cheer you on if you do.
Survey Sez: Striker should be taught a lesson and be forced to compete in an arygle jumpsuit of some kind.
Hard Knox Life
The ex-boyfriend of Kelly Kelly is not the personification of extreme, but he is fairly impressive, what with his ability to be tall and stay that way, as well as the uniqueness of his voice, which never fails to confuse me. "A guy that size talks like that?" Yes he does.
His storyline with CM Punk, consisting of Knox trying to shield Kelly Kelly from his charm but ultimately letting her do whatever she pleased, hurt his character greatly. If he was actually furious about Kelly's love for Punk, he wouldn't have simply acted mad, wrestled the guy without much emotion, and let Kelly's infatuation grow. Instead, he would have done one of the following:
1) Beat CM Punk up until his lower body could not function anymore. The outie becomes an innie, if you know I'm saying.
2) Lock a chastity belt on to Kelly Kelly.
3) Settle it like men in the American Gladiators Arena.
Unfortunately, Knox didn't do any of those options. Some say Mike Knox has no charisma, but I say Mike Knox has negative charisma since he doesn't even want to entertain me by moving around the ring in a large metal sphere.
Survey Sez: Bigger guy in the ring is bigger than that smaller guy also in the ring, who is small. That's extreme -- extremely fascinating. Right after this sentence, imagine that I placed a smoking pipe to my mouth and nodded.
Hey, you're on television. Good for you.
When Rebecca DiPietro debuted on ECW on Sci Fi, she seemed to be the amalgamation of a robot and a tree. When she spoke, it was like hearing a Speak n' Spell recite Shakespeare. When she reacted to a wrestler's interview, it was as if time had stopped, resulting in a fixed facial expression of blankness that would last Rebecca for all eternity. I don't know where WWE put her personality, but they must have hid it well. I've looked everywhere. Did they send it to the farm and kill it?
While she is a lovely woman and is improving her on-camera skills by the fortweek, I can count the number of Rebecca's accomplishments on one finger. I'm not sure what the accomplishment actually is, but it's there. Surely, getting photographed without clothes is not one of those accolades, because I can do that too, yet I have never received a plaque or certificate or anything for my outstanding achievement. I guess I have to be a woman and or with Batista to receive such awards. Then again, maybe I'm too fantastic looking to be given lowly symbols of gratitude. Mae Young has never been given anything either. That is a shame.
Survey Sez: Is you is or is you ain't a human?
You, Me, and Not Sylvan
The first thing I asked for Christmas was the reformation of La Résistance; the second thing I asked for was world peace; the third thing I asked for was OTC 360 Pain Reliever, also known as the official sponsor of Wrestlemania 23 on April 1, 2007 from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America, North America, The World. I knew I had my priorities straight.
Rene Dupree keeps on leaving and returning to WWE programming without notice. First he had frosted hair and left, then he had shorter hair and a poodle and left, and then he came to ECW with Von Erich Hair and no knee or elbow pads and left. Once more, he's back. I bet he's still claiming he's extreme, but what is his proof? Now, I know what you're thinking, but his lack of knee and elbow pads was and is hazardous rather than extreme, at least according to the National Board of Bicycle Safety.
If Rene and Sylvan can make a name for themselves in Extreme Championship Wrestling by dominating the non-existent tag division, I fully expect them to become the number one contenders for the ECW Tag Team Championships of the Mind in no time. They will hastily win those belts conjured up in dreams and defend them to all comers who are not of this reality. Go, La Résistance, go. Be French or Canadian and prosper.
Survey Sez: Rene Dupree will be as successful in ECW as I am great at French: "Un bon-bon est fatigué avec un gomme dans l'autobus."
[Clever Marijuana Reference Evoking Laughter]
Rob Van Dam has fallen mightily over the past year. From simultaneous WWE and ECW Championship reigns to fighting an Elijah Burke, a vampire, and the rest of the No-Furniture-Assisted-Violence Gang. His Five Star Frog Splash isn't even at four stars like I have suggested in a previous article. In my opinion, it is now three. Additionally, it is not a frog splash, but a tadpole squirm. The Three Star Tadpole Squirm metaphorically represents Van Dam's fledging career in the current WWE.
Although he is still capable of exciting crowds all over world with his innovative moveset, where does he go from here if he will never be given a second chance to main event? The answer is not TNA because they will simply make him change his name to Roblph Lundgren, then subsequently lose him in the shuffle of their 200-man roster. I do not believe the answer is Japan or the independent organizations either as they too look down upon shirtless men speeding in their cars.
What would I do if I were Rob Van Dam? I'd go out there each and every night and wow the crowd, no matter where I am on the card. I'd prove to Vince McMahon and Company that I can be trusted once more to lead WWE to a whole new and greater level of popularity. I'd proclaim, "I am a man, Vince. I am Rob Van Dam. Accept my recreational drug use and posterior sweat like a good business man should."
Survey Sez: "Whatever, dude. Whatever."
Your pants are bright, but your future is not.
Ever since their speeding/drug violations in the summer of 2006, Rob Van Dam and Sabu have been stuck in a perpetual cycle of losing nine matches, winning one match, then losing nine more matches to ECW's New Breed. Furthermore, the homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, jazz recital, death-defying Sabu was disallowed from participating in the Extreme Elimination Chamber match at ECW's December to Dismemeber. With Sabu's depush, it looks as though he will continue to struggle in WWE, not only emotionally, but physically as well.
Sabu is hurting. I notice his physical ailments whenever he walks down to the ring, executes a move, or breathes. Why do my eyes catch these visions? Well, the manner in which Sabu walks is how I walk when I'm wading in a big pool of molasses.
Someday, I hope he will be given another chance to be the Sabu we all know and love, and not the individual who was not extreme enough to defeat John Cena.
Survey Sez: If you were to fan Sabu with a piece of paper, his bones would collapse inside of his body.
He's a Sandman, not a Sandmaid.
If you saw the Royal Rumble in the year 2007, you saw The Sandman enter the match, cane a bunch of guys, then exit the match in about ten seconds.
Just because Sandman carries a cane around everywhere he goes does not mean he knows nothing but hitting guys in the face with it. I'd imagine he'd have multiple uses for the Singapore cane. For instance, I bet Sandman utilizes the cane as a backscratcher, or as a substitute channel changer when he doesn't feel like getting off of the couch to find his misplaced remote. I would say his cane somehow brings war-torn countries closer together too, but I don't have enough proof for that claim.
Survey Sez: Somewhere along the way, we got lost on the road to Never-Neverland.
Promised to bring sexy back, but where is it?
When Shannon Moore showed up in TNA with his new hairdo, I thought he was going to have a Sonic the Hedgehog gimmick. I imagined him executing his finishing move, then yelling "SEGAAAAA!" in celebration. Although he was getting decent television exposure, even managing to defeat AJ Styles on an episode of Impact, he returned to WWE for one purpose and one purpose only -- I suppose he really likes to not win.
They made vignettes of Shannon Moore moping in a subway car, detached from the rest of society. He was dubbed "The Reject", a name which conjured up feelings of despair and loneliness. Soon enough, Shannon Moore debuted in his first match, which resulted in a losing effort. In fact, he'd lose a lot soon after. He'd lose once, lose twice, and lose three times before surprisingly us all by losing a fourth and fifth time.
Shannon Moore is practically dead in ECW. Is there hope for this mohawked man? Most likely not. Let's all yearn for the days of 3 Count. Everybody 3 Count. One. Two. Three.
Survey Sez: WWE is using Moore for less. At least he's getting paid... I think.
It's probably his fault now.
Snitsky's emergence in WWE was a peculiar one. All of the sudden, he showed up in a match with Kane that inadvertently lead to the miscarriage of Kane and Lita's baby. Next, he'd go on to reveal to the viewing audience his admiration for feet and inevitably creep the entire globe out with his perverted shenigans and cratered back.
Today, he's the new monster of Extreme Champinship Wrestling. When he shaved off all of his hair (on his head and on his face), he got a push. When I shave off all of my hair, I am rejected by the human race. Well, sorry if I want my entire body to be as smooth as a newborn babe so I can somehow weasel my way into the Summer Olympics and win gold in synchronized swimming. I have my dreams. Let me have my dreams.
Survey Sez: Come on, Maven! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Where in the world is Stevie Richards?
He'll show us, we'll see. We're still seeing and he's still not showing us.
Survey Sez: Where is Victoria when you need her, and when she needs you?
Batista put a flagpole up his butt. That is so straight.
The plight of Sylvan is a harrowing one. WWE constantly tries to make him hated by the wrestling fans, but they simply act indifferent towards him. For one, WWE's faults start at Sylvan's previous gimmick of a wrestling male model. As Rick Martel proved many years ago, not all models are bad. Secondly, the public knew how much work goes into being the Ambassador of Quebec, so they only moderately jeered him when he was appointed as one.
Thankfully, Sylvan is back with Rene Dupree as La Résistance. Remember that time when they slammed Spike Dudley through a table on the outside of the ring, but only the back of Spike's head made contact with the table? That is extreme, making them extreme before WWE's ECW even existed. They are going to be huge.
Survey Sez: If you know what's good for you, Rob Conway, you will join them in their Frenchness.
Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa
Even though I find some of Tazz's sayings repetitive, I still get a kick out of his commentary. While there are those who want him back with Michael Cole, I don't think their reunion would be a mise move. You see, nobody wants nothing to do with Michael Cole. The other day, I lent Michael Cole five dollars, then I gave him another five dollars to keep the previous five dollars so I wouldn't have to see him again.
Surely, there are moments on ECW on Sci Fi in which I question the purpose of Tazz and Joey Styles. If they can't intricately describe moves, what are they there for? If Brock Lesnar isn't a part of the brand, why is Tazz there if he can't say, "Here comes the pain!" every time he walks down the aisle? While they do manage to inform the fans about the wrestlers' personalities and gimmicks in detail, they can do that anytime. Therefore, why do they have to spend most of the match talking about bite clubs and "the sick power" of wrestlers? I don't have an answer, but maybe Brad Armstong did. It's too bad he vanished into the atmosphere.
Survey Sez: Not for nothing, wrestling fans, but he is a rocketbuster of a commentator.
Funk is still conquering the Temple of Crunk
Other than his appearance at last year's One Night Stand, in which he gave a great performance convincing almost everyone that he had lost an eye when he really did not, Terry hasn't seen much television time. Though he is quite old and a twenty-time retiree, I would not mind seeing Terry Funk return in some capacity. If WWE was smart, they'd use Terry to improve the in-ring and out-ring skills of ECW's younger wrestlers. Instead, I guess Snitsky will poke his other eye out when ECW is in Amarillo.
Survey Sez: Middle aged and crazy, like a mentally unstable bottle of wine.
Downgraded to Quiz
Test has been taken off the road for violating the Wellness Program. I would like to thank him for reminding me that WWE still has a Wellness Program.
I take a look at a guy like Lashley, or a guy like Batista, and think to myself, "Is it actually possible for an individual to gain that much muscle mass through natural means?" I assume the politically correct answer is yes, but I don't know. If they don't use steroids, it might be possible that they use another performance and appearance enhancing drug, like Flinstones chewables, to attain their physique. Man, those are tasty, yet I am still skeptical.
When Test returns, I fully expect him to lose to Bobby Lashley. Next, he will lose to Bobby Lashley. Finally, he will lose to Bobby Lashley.
Survey Sez: He will lose to Bobby Lashley.
Instigator of Silence
Tommy Dreamer is another ECW Original who never wins. He's put into matches with people like The Great Khali and WWE expects him to make the bout interesting. I'm sorry World Wrestling Entertainment, but Tommy Dreamer cannot extract gold from cement.
When Dreamer enters the ring, the WWE fans refuse to give him a decent reaction. Honestly, I was never a big fan of Thomas, but I respected him as a hard worker. If they would let him do one impressive at least one time (The Tommyhawk), the fans would care. Instead, Dreamer takes a page from the book of never-before-seen moves, using the elusive DDT to incapacitate his adversaries. If they don't want Tommy to be cheered, he might as well tickle his opponents into submission. Wait, I would pay to see that move. Scratch that from the record.
Survey Sez: At least you have Beulah.
Caution: I guess her bosom is a crime scene, so don't walk past the yellow tape.
So, what happened on the crime scene? I hate to break it you, but it was a quadruple homicide. Homicide on a woman's breasts is the third best kind of homicide.
Survey Sez: What kind of madman would commit a crime on her rocky mountains but not in her hidden valley?
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