Eckstreem Champeeanchip Ressling: Part 1

E is for Extreme
C is for Championship
W is for Wrestling

In its true form, Extreme Championship Wrestling was the brainchild of skullet owner Paul Heyman. He took the remnants of the independents and discards from the major leagues and turned them into superstars. He took a guy like Mikey Whipwreck and made the fans care about a small grappler who lost a lot while wearing a shirt with a dragon on it. He took a guy like New Jack and made the entire world scared of him, his forks, his pizza cutters, his guitars, and his overall New Jackianness. While many ECW wrestlers were not fit for the big leagues, they became significant in the wrestling world because they were portrayed as such.

In its current form, Extreme Championship Wrestling is the brainchild of full-head-of-hair owner Vince McMahon. He took the remnants of Smackdown and the discards of RAW and turned them into ECW superstars. He took a guy like Bobby Lashley and put the ECW World Title on him because he thinks he's keen. He took a guy like Bobby Lashley and made him the centerpiece of the brand, fending off the ECW elite of Hardcore Holly, Test, Hardcore Holly, Test, and Hardcore Holly. While many of the current ECW wrestlers are not fit for the big leagues, they have become insignificant in the wrestling world because they are portrayed as such.

Is ECW a failed experiment? Is ECW a lost cause? The sum of the parts make up the whole, so let's review the competitors who make up the wonderful third brand of ECW, shall we?

Ariel
I've got something you can bite on -- fun size candy bars I couldn't finish from Halloween. Look at all these dark chocolates I have. Can you take them?

Tazz says that Ariel is a "freaky bat chick". I know she frequently hangs upside down from the top rope during Kevin Thorn's entrance, but I don't know if her tendency to do so is enough to constitute her coveted title of Unorthodox Flying Mammal Human. You see, I used to hang upside down on outdoor jungle gyms all of the time. Nobody ever called me a Freaky Bat Chick, but that's probably because I was wearing a pixie costume.

Survey Sez: buxom vampiress who also tells the future = bloodthirsty psychics are out of work

Balls Mahoney
In real life, would any family name their kid Balls? How about the Sac Family?

In my opinion, Balls always had the most fascinating steel chairs because words where spray-painted on them. If I had caught ECW on television at about five years old, his chairs would have most likely invigorated my interest in reading. I've never read War and Peace, but put that novel in chair form, with each word written on a different chair, and I might be inclined to take a look.

Balls has done nothing particularly memorable in today's ECW, except he did play the role of the dealer during the Extreme Strip Poker/High Card segment. That has to be good enough for someone.

Survey Sez: Current Balls Mahoney -> Balls Baloney

Bobby Lashley
Hard hitting, soft spoken, medium rare.

Lashley has recently become 0.001% more entertaining due to the fact that there's now a picture of himself doing the "Lashley Pose" on the back of his tights. For those of you who have clammored to see what his pose would look like 1/10 to 1/20 to scale, coloured in white, and featured on a grown man's gludious maximus, this must be quite the wondrous day for you.

Some compare Bobby Lashley to Brock Lesnar. He has Lesnar's ring entrance, and utilizes some of his moves, such as shoulder thrusts in the corner, but there's something about Lashley that doesn't appeal to me. Well, he's muscular and has impressive strength, but so does every other guy in the company. That's why they wrestle other wrestlers and not feathers -- they can lift them up and drop them down with ease, unlike us regular folk. So, what is it that's so off-putting about him? Is it his voice? Is it his ambigious gimmick? Is it his entrance music? Whatever the case may be, he's Bryant Gumbling it up in ECW.

Survey Sez: Vince says he is good, therefore Lashley is good.

Brooke
You had me at hello, Girl With No Last Name Nor Distinguishable Physical Traits Nor Evident Personality.

If your thingy gets excited each time you see the Extreme Exposé, more power to you. "There's the butt", I enthusiastically say to myself as I watch ECW. "And there's those large milk things," I add because I think using real terminology for the female anatomy is wrong. If World Wrestling Entertainment needs anything, it needs three girls who dance for no reason other than the fact that they just gotta. You may laugh now, but what would you say if scientists found out that unnecessary, choreographed, sexually charged ring dancing cures numerous world diseases? Probably nothing.

Survey Sez: Get a last name and you will stand out. How about Hogan?

CM Punk
Punk me once, shame on me. Punk me twice, shame on me again. Punk me three times, why are you punking me so much? I thought we were confidants.

CM Punk is straight-edge, which means he does not do drugs, he does not drink, he does not have promiscious relations, he does not eat Little Debbie products on weekdays, and he does not watch American Idol until the Final 10 contestants are determined. This guy has guts. If WWE makes him a world champion, they would be doing the world a great good.

Although, the Anaconda Vice must mean he has one weakness: befriending/eating/raising/fighting/teaching anacondas. What a horrendous role model.

Survey Sez: His name is CM Punk and he is feuding with Snitsky.

Elijah Burke
Knockout-Tapout Combination

The first time I saw Burke on WWE programming, I thought I was witnessing the return of Ron Killings. I had previously left the room to construct a food product for digestion when I caught a blurry glimpse of a figure from several meters away. I was excited to see K-Kwik again, so I started to rap and dance my way to the television. It was not until I positioned my eyes one inch from the television screen that I realized my mistake. Elijah Burke is a promising young superstar and all, but I rapped and danced for nothing. Plus, he was supposed to be in the Spirit Squad but turned the spot down. I dislike him doubly.

Also, he talks a lot about The Elijah Experience, which confuses me greatly. The Elijah Experience sounds like some kind of astrological laser light show featuring music by Elton John and Pat Benatar. What does that mean? That means it's awesome, but we'll see.

Survey Sez: WWE says Terkay is only palatable at Thanksgiving, and sometimes Christmas.

Hardcore Holly
How do I like him now?

Bob Holly may be a grizzly and or respected veteran, but his persona leaves a lot to be desired. When he sliced his back on a table in the middle of his surprisingly impressive match with RVD several eons ago, I thought it would result in a new path for his angry character. Maybe Holly would seek to avenge his injury by stalking Rob around the arena and trying to put him through tables at every turn. Maybe Holly would adopt a sadistic mean streak in which he'd try to maim all of his opponents, no matter if they did or did not want to hurt him. Then, what did we get? Holly's just mad. He's extremely mad.

That's all fine and dandy in WWE Land, but in Stephen Town, those pigs don't fly, sir.

Survey Sez: He needs another cousin to team with to increase his entertainment factor from 3 to 3.4790.

Joey Styles
No My Gods

Joey Styles' memorable promo on his last appearance on RAW showed great conviction and truth. He criticized WWE's insistence that he call a wrestling match The Ignorant Michael Cole Way. He slapped Jerry Lawler and slapped him good. He was the voice of a minimal but opinionative and loyal wrestling fanbase who were sick and tired of sports entertainment and wanted competitive matches and believable angles that would not insult their intelligence.

The result was the following: Joey Styles moved to ECW to compare Big Show's hands to skillets and other household items ("Big Show's left leg is the size of 2 economy sized jars of mayonnaise"). Hey, everybody likes comparing things, but Joey is going too far. Today, I hope he doesn't foolishly compare Bobby Lashley to a tank, because the last wrestler an announcer compared to a tank was actually more like an armoured truck. I think that guy was fired for saying it too.

Survey Sez: Get back into the coin business, Joseph.

Kelly Kelly
Exhibitionist Extra Ordinaire

I felt for Kelly Kelly when Mike Knox dumped her, because my face has been hit with flowers before too. One time, a young lady strived to reject me so much, she threw a bunch of seeds in my general direction. In fact, she threw them so hard, the seeds somehow became embedded in my skull. As in any human body, my person consists of water, so what do you think happened to those seeds? They were planted. Now, roses are growing out of my nose and mouth. Of course, my face has won Most Beautiful Garden two years in a row, but I don't think it's worth it.

A lot of fans tell me that Kelly Kelly is a useless diva since she has no aptitude for acting, nor a basic wrestling background, but I sincerely disagree. Did she not sell Mike Knox's Spinny Whatchamacallit with grace and poise? As the second cog of three in the Extreme Exposé, does she not sensually dance to the fans' delight? When she's sitting on the top turnbuckle about to dance, aren't you convinced that she's not sure what dance move she should do next, so she looks to Layla and Brooke for guidance, but finds none, so she just continues to sit there? Well, that's what she wants you to think. Oscar to her and none to you, Judgemental Jefferson.

Survey Sez: I knew a girl once who had a similar personality to Kelly Kelly. Every time I spoke to her, a tumbleweed rolled down the street and off of a cliff.

Kevin Thorn
First rule of Bite Club: You do not bark about Bite Club.

I've never met a vampire named Kevin, but I have met a werewolf called Archibald (I won't get into this anecdote further for it is too long and meandering). Though, what I will say is that out of all the wrestling vampires, Kevin Thorn is the most impressive. Certainly, Gangrel had the better entrance, yet when it comes down to it, Thorn is the more accurate wrestling vampire.

Plus, Gangrel had blood in a cup which he spit out. Is he mad? If I were a vampire, I would drink that. Also, I would not wear a Jerry Seinfeld Puffy Shirt to the ring. Poor decision, Gangrel. Very poor.

Survey Sez: I like vampires named Glen more.

Layla
Eager Deever

The 2006 Diva Search winner completes the Extreme Exposé trifecta. When she first appeared on television, I recall how many people were calling her "Girl Carlito". As for me, I do not see any resemblance other than their similar hairdos, but maybe they should have put them together. Their gimmick could have been that they were both cool and they were aware of things that were cool, but their hair could soak up stubborn kitchen spills as well. Every homemaker in North America would be into it. This gimmick is a license to print pennies.

Survey Sez: Being a good dancer in the ring is like being the best hunter of wild game on the moon.

Little Guido Maritato
No deal, Nunzio.

Oddly enough, Little Guido was entertaining as Jamie Noble's cousin Nunzio when he came into WWE. Of course, it was one of the most peculiar pairings I had ever seen in wrestling, but it worked. Then, it all went downhill when Jamie Noble and Nidia became rich. Nunzio was left in the dust with a plate full of spaghetti, something Italian, and another stereotypical Italian food. Although he re-emerged on Smackdown as the leader of the Full Blooded Italians, featuring members such as Chuck Palumbo, Johnny Stamboli, and Vito, the stable shockingly didn't amount to much.

In ECW, he became a part of a another FBI incarnation with Tony Mamaluke and Trinity, but the group has been given very little television exposure. Sadly, Mamaluke was recently released, so I doubt we'll see the three interact again for a while. What is next for Little Guido? I'm not positive, but there's no doubt in my mind that when push comes to shove, Little Guido will wrestle in matches which consist of him doing one move before getting his posterior handed to him by a larger wrestler. It's as certain as the sunrise.

Survey Sez: Less losing, more kicking people in the face with both feet.

Marcus Cor Von
Down with the Monty Brown.

I hear TNA chants every time Marcus Cor Von steps into an ECW ring. Sure, there are those who ignorantly mantain the chants without understanding what TNA actually is, but at least he is receiving a reaction.

I was almost positive that Brown/Cor Von would be saddled with a football gimmick, as WWE excessively touted his Super Bowl appearances and overall ball-of-foot prowess upon hiring him. I predicted The Pounce would be renamed The Tackle and he would be called "Touch Down" Monty Brown. It's a good thing I wasn't right, because if I was, I would be so confused by Earth's ways that I would most likely move to Mars.

Cor Von has just started in WWE, so hopefully he continues to accumulate wins and show off his charisma to the audience. My only concern is that if WWE believes the Fujiwara armbar is more devastating than The Pounce, do they also believe getting flicked in the ear is death compared to a head-on collision with a car? It's almost all of the time not.

Survey Sez: Monty Brown, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke should form a stable called "The Double Stuff Oreo Line". Mighty Ducks reference, ho!