Wrestling with Confessions

This piece was originally posted on the Wrestling Observer website a little while ago. I believe only a select few knew about this (my life coach, my shrink, and I,) so I thought I would post it here for those who have not read it yet. Though, don't fret for I have added writer's commentary that will surely make this inhuman work 10.2 times better than before. If there is a particular article of mine from The Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment or send over an e-mail. Thanks.

-Stephen

Link: www.wrestlingobserver.com/wo/news/features/default.asp?aID=17370

*****

We all know fans of professional wrestling are highly respected and revered in this world. They get all the women they want, all the money they want, and they are more often than not American Presidential material...

Dramatization

Average Wrestling Fan: "Hey, that large guy just hit that small guy really, really, really hard in the groin with the hurty end of a sitting apparatus. Cool."
America: "Congratulations. You are now the leader of our great nation."

(America doesn't talk like that. If I didn't know any better, I would think America doesn't talk at all.)

Yet, there are some things that a wrestling fan is unwilling to admit. In fact, they may be so ashamed of their true opinions that they hide from the outside world for fear they will be shunned from the planet itself. Unfortunately, I have skeletons in my closet just like everybody else, except mine wrestle. While they think they are heavyweight grapplers, they are sadly mistaken. One day, they will have to come to grips that they are part of the X-Division.

Although I am unveiling this for the world to see, don't tell anybody about it. Only you may read these secrets... and everyone else who also wishes to read. Dear almighty Todd Grisham, I've got twenty confessions and The Bisch ain't one. Hit me:

1) In the throws of passion with a lady friend, I bide time by throwing powder in her eyes while I search under a mattress skirt for an international object to finish her off with.

(Sometimes I will bring out a package of hot dogs and leave the room. What the young woman does with them is her choice.)

2) I defeated Pluto in a Fight for the Right to Be the Ninth Planet Match via the holding of its tights. Sorry, Pluto... or am I?

3) My favourite match is the WCW introductory bout between Booker T and Buff Bagwell on a 2001 edition of Monday Night RAW from Tacoma, Washington. I tend to watch it every day on a loop because it exercises my mind. If I stare at it long enough, I can see a sailboat.

4) My favourite Wrestlemania is 27, which hasn't even happened yet. For those of you who wish to discover what will occur at this event, watch Wrestlemania 7, 9, and 11. Then, add them together and you will get 27. Wrestlemania 27 ("Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H") is basically a re-enactment of the aforementioned three, except the time frame, fans, matches, storylines, set design, venue, and performers are different. Happy watching.

5) One time, I spat in the face of people who did want to be cool. In turn, I was immediately kicked out of my Magic: The Gathering gathering.

6) I wish ladder matches were more realistic and relevant to an average lifestyle. For instance, instead of two competitors trying to attain a gold belt held high above them, why don't they compete to clean out a gutter or put up Christmas lights?

7) I can see John Cena. On the other hand, his parents Matt Damon and Kevin Bacon say he never calls.

(It's true. His uncle, Mark Wahlberg, hasn't seen him in years too.)

8) I don't want to insult his music teacher in any way, but I think someone should tell Jeff Jarrett that is not how you play the guitar. Trust me; I used to do that with grand pianos.

(You would think stores that specialize in musical instrumentals would stop Jeff from purchasing their goods by now. Well, what can you do? I assume when Jeff Jarrett passes on, he will be stuck in purgatory. Said purgatory will consist of guitars using Mr. Jarrett to hit opposing guitars.)

9) I know for a fact that The Big Show has actual skillet hands. Sadly, they do not have a non-stick surface.

(I was given dodo eggs as a birthday present last year. I thought The Big Show's hands could cook them evenly. To my surprise, they can't. From now on, I'm doing it the easy way -- I'm frying them on the asphalt during a hot day.)

10) I sense that the next big indy star to debut on TNA programming in the coming months will be one of the biggest acquistions ever. It's a piece of Tupperware, but it must wrestle under the name Brother Dishwasher Safe Plastic Food Container.

11) I give Rob Van Dam's Five Star Frog Splash only four stars. While I am sold that he is a gifted performer, I found his portrayal of a disenfranchised amphibian leaping for salvation and redemption over great adversity quite forced and a tad trite.

12) When I was younger, I listened to Hulk Hogan, who told all of his Hulkamaniacs to say their prayers and eat their vitamins. Every time he said it, that's exactly what I did. I ate a vitamin and said a prayer 10 times a day for 192 years. Please let me eat something different, Hulk. How about soup mix, man? All I need is a taste, brother.

13) I read this on the internet, but never told a soul. In Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Kevin McAllister was supposed to compete in a handicap match against the Wet/Sticky Bandits, played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Pesci refused to lose 2-on-1 for fear it would weaken the drawing power of the team. Although they wanted to put actor Macaulay Culkin and his character over, they wanted to do so in a situation which would be beneficial to both parties. A compromise was made which involved the Nice Bird Lady with Bird Crap on Her Clothes interfering with loaded birds at the last minute, helping McAllister get the sneaky victory.

(In the end, McAllister was buried. That is why you didn't see him in Home Alone 3.)

14) I could buy WWE if wanted to, but I don't feel like it.

(I'm rich, beyotch. Some youngsters have a piggy bank in which they store maybe five or ten dollars to buy kid stuff like kazoos, action figures, or pregnancy tests for the teachers they are romantically and physically involved with. I have an actual bank, but it's shaped like a pig because I only know how to withdraw money by hitting stuff with a hammer.)

15) Every time I hear Don West talk, I feel inclined to buy a Ken Griffey, Jr. Gem Mint 10 Rookie Card. I don't know what that means, but I'll purchase a barrel full.

16) One time, I defeated death by disqualification.

17) I put Kelly Kelly to my ear and I could hear the ocean. What a smoking ocean, but we have nothing in common.

18) I tried a finishing move (for Pay-Per-View only) entitled the Summerslam. What happened? I botched it and the play-by-play announcer called it the Summermodifiedsnapmare.

19) If Kenny's headband is like mine, he should not be out past midnight. If he stays out one moment longer, his headband will turn into a pumpkin.

(By the way, a guy that claims he's the Prince of some magical land may be looking for Kenny. If you know his whereabouts, the Prince wants the information. A few days ago, he found a glass sneaker at the ball. He is currently searching the area to find his one true soulmate.)

20) How do I learn how to fall off of a twenty foot ladder? I fall off of twenty, one-foot ladders.