Why do I feel this way about Kurt Angle in TNA? Well, why do you have to ask so many questions?
Reaction to Kurt Angle's X-Ray = Sideways Face Accentuated by the Letter O for A Mouth to Suggest A Surprised Expression A.K.A. <=^O
Pie Crust Skull Casing
Several years of stiff chair shots to the skull has forced Kurt's doctors to surgically implant a store-bought pie crust around the outer layer of his head in order to keep his face intact. The art of taking a chair shot is tricky because blocking a blow to the face with a hand or two is wise, but what's stopping you from back-handing yourself in the skull when the chair draws near? It'd be doubly ironic for someone whose hand was made out of steel. It's too late for Kurt, but he should've taken chair shots in the strongest part of his face: his eye.
Regulation Sized Wiffle Ball
Severe hemorrhage to Angle's head has made it impossible for him to keep his vulnerable, tender brain fully functional. Doctors assured him if he decided to continue to wrestle, he may have to sacrifice his capacity for human thoughts and emotions. Kurt was puzzled and saddened, but also intrigued about this news. What did he do? He told a shady doctor from Mexico to house the remaining parts of his brain inside of a wiffle ball. The average person claimed he was absolutely crazy for doing so, but he said to himself, "How else am I going to be able to continue to wrestle? I have no other options. At least with a wiffle ball, I can give my brain some air."
Today, Kurt Angle believes 1 + 2 = fishsticks... and he's much better for it.
Dollhouse Picket Fences
Some fans think Kurt wears a mouthpiece to appear in the same vein as a real amateur wrestler (which he used to be). Others believe he wears it for protection after having corrective dental surgery in light of a mishap in the ring with WWE Champion John Cena. While these two explanations seem plausible, they are fraudulent. Angle uses dollhouse picket fences to resemble actual teeth because he used all of the teeth on his upper jaw to coax the Tooth Fairy into providing him muscle relaxants and human growth hormone. Although picket fences aren't practical for eating or drinking, they do somewhat resemble a human set of chompers. I don't expect Kurt to brush his teeth anymore, since all he has to do to keep his fences in pristine condition is slap on a coat of white paint once in a while. It's all good in the hood for him, but then again, Kurt Angle benefits at the expense of poor little Conchita out there, trying to play with a dollhouse without a barrier between her safe, suburban area of residence and the dangerous projects located across the street.
Lego Building Bricks
Angle's quick fix, anti-fusion neck surgery proved to be unsuccessful for many reasons. I think the biggest reason was the following -- he told the doctor to put pointy, plastic, interconnecting rectangles inside of him. Lego is a toy, not a replacement for an actual neck. Look, when I play with Legos, I construct buildings, stairs, or buildings with stairs. Nowhere in the instruction manual of childhood does it say Lego blocks can be a good substitute for certain sections of the human body. Kurt Angle is either the most desperate wrestler ever, or the worst Lego builder ever. It was as if he bought a Lego set from Toys 'R' Us intended for the elaborate construction of a castle, though instead of a castle, he built a neck.
Used Popsicle Sticks
Do you know how hard it is to find popsticke sticks without popsicles attached to them? In elementary school, I tried to construct a wrestling ring out of popsicle sticks when everybody else was building bridges. How many did I use? Five and a half billion, and I had to pretend to enjoy popsicle flavours I hated, like grape. Sure, people were impressed by my eventual creation, yet the first time I used the ring, my classmate shoved me face first into the apron. I did not comically bounce off and hold my head in agony; several popsicle sticks impaled my face instead. According to professional wrestling standards, it looked pretty realistic, but it felt as choreographed as wooden sticks in a dude's face can get.
Sadly, Kurt Angle employed the assistance of his young daughter Kurtxena to eat as many popsicles as she could just so Kurt could implant them at the back of his neck to support the building blocks. Sooner or later, his neck is going to topple like a Jenga tower. Ker-plunk, Mr. Angle. Ker-plunk. Yahtzee. Trivial Pursuit.
Chewed Gum
Are chewed pieces of Dubble Bubble efficient adhesives for the skeleton of a human body? According to Kurt Angle and his person, they absolutely are. Not only do they sufficiently attach Angle's head, neck, and shoulders together, the included comics with each piece of bubble gum provide seconds and seconds of entertainment. Let me present an example of this finite, but deep hilarity:
The Setting: A man is walking his dog along an empty street. A young boy runs into the man accidentally.
Man: Hey, you should watch where you're going, kid!
Young Boy: Why don't you, mister?!
The man points to his dog.
Man: Well, then he's out of a job!
Bike Handlebars
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