In the past, rap superstars have arrived in the mainstream to exit just as quick and steadfast. More often than not, they leave behind one hit wonders which turn the clock back on the advancement of the human race several times over. These men may be wealthy; they may entertain many a harlot, but that does not mean we, as a whole, have to listen to what they have to say. We all know human beings desire money; we are well aware of the fact that the possession of spinning car tire rims has longlasting benefits in a world in which static rims are universally declared mediocre. Yet, let's face it -- rap music today consists of false truths and true lies. These rhythmic, evil preachers speak blasphemy with the force of ten stampeding elephants, only to disappear from the bright spotlight with a mere whimper of a squished mouse.
But, there is hope for our society. We may live in scary times, but a strong voice has come down upon the heavens to guide us through the darkness and lead us to light. While he is an eldery wrestler by day, he is secretly a daredevil archaeologist by night. We must run quickly from the cave, as he has just replaced a golden amulet with a bag of sand of similar weight. Don't let the rolling rock catch up to you, because we are about to bare witness to...
1. Crunk U (Crunk University Level Archaeology) [Intro]
2. Satchel Ass
3. Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy Foooooollllllleeeeyyyyy
4. It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Pimp
5. Spinning Toe Hoes
6. Middle Aged and ******
7. Lord of the Blings
8. Hardcore Spelunking (ft. Li'l Jon)
9. Woo Dunnit? (ft. Ric Flair)
10. Horse Kick
11. Barb Wired
12. Satchel Ass (Hollaback Remix)
13. Can't Walk No Good No Mo'
14. Tired of Retirin'
15. **************** Farm (Skit)
16. Crunk U (Crunk University Graduation Ceremony) [Outro]
With a help of a few good friends, Terry Funk dons the fedora in search of rap supremacy. So, what is the world's initial response to this work? Take a look at this:
"Terry Funk dun spit game like he gots no shame." - Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes
"This patient's beats and rhymes are so sick, I'm afraid he has only 5 months to live. I'm terribly sorry for your loss." - Dr. Jon Haberdashery
"***** mutha*****!" - Pope Benedict XVI
"What is this 'music' you speak of? Is it new? What brand of 'music' do you recommend? Generic, brand name, or the fancy quilted kind?" - Vince McMahon
"..." - Inanimate Object
"Satchel Ass is one of the most informative and thought-provoking songs about the economic struggle of Ghana in the history of time." - Every Future Textbook Ever
"This album has allowed me to find the Temple of Crunk... inside of my heart." - John Cena
"You should play it really loud in your car so all you will hear is 'BOOM, BA-BOOM, BOOM, BA-BOOM.' Your neighbours will love it and bake you cookies for this unselfish gesture. In fact, they'll probably ask you to turn the music down, but that's really slang for 'Play it louder. I want to hear more of that pulse-pounding static. If the static is noticeable and strong, that means it's a good song.'" - Guy Slouched Down in Car, with Sunglasses On, Sporting A Beard That Looks Too Neatly Trimmed
It would be silly to buy just one copy of this sure-to-be hit record, so why not buy a back-up? As long as you're doing that, why don't you buy a back-up for your back-up? This may be the first and last record the Hardcore Legend ever makes, so hurry to a store near you to learn about life on the mean streets shaped oddly like grassy hills of the Texanesque state of Texas.
"If you see a crazy old guy get crunk... it must be Indiana Funk."
Album drops today because it's too slippery in my hands.
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