This article was originally posted in December 2005. It was a dark and stormy month in which dinosaurs overtook cities and fought gigantic butterflies amongst flimsy backdrops. Do you remember that time? I do. Morphoplex may not be associated with the wrestling world anymore, but tomorrow is a new beginning. Once again, if there is a particular article of mine from The Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment or send over an e-mail.
-Stephen
[The Chief Financial Officer of Morphoplex replied to the second part of this article. He was trying to be complimentative and insulting at the same time. If he thought I was trying to badmouth the company's product, he completely missed the point. If you have been following my articles for any significant length of time, you should know I avoid the obvious, or the expected; in fact, the title of this blog reflects that. For me to be scathing for the sake of being scathing is not in my nature. If you saw Morphoplex commercials on TNA programming several eons ago, you will understand why I decided to write about them. I don't know if he felt attacked or what, but it's too bad his reply was underhanded, because now I'll have to find another supplement to meet my needs as a bodybuilding writer.]
Maybe I'm the only one who notices this, but did you know that, on weekly installments of TNA Impact, they advertise this product called Morphoplex? Apparently, it's supposed to burn fat, but the moment it was mentioned, I was not convinced.
[Today, Morphoplex does not sponsor Total Non-Stop Action wrestling. Is it for the better? As of now, let's just say Samoa Joe's body mass index is questionable at best.]
The following visuals came into my mind when I first heard of the term "Morphoplex":
-A Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger (preferably the green one) executing a German suplex
-Morpheus from the Matrix Trilogy offering up spacious, but expensive duplex housing.
-The metamorphosis of Lex Luger from a muscular professional wrestler to a wolf that, for some reason, works at a factory that produces bubble wrap and packing peanuts (Basically, this could be a sitcom. If I wrote it, I'd title it "Wolfpacked").
[Wolfpacked is filmed in front of a live studio audience. We'll be "pack" after these messages.]
Upon extensive research of this supplement, I have learned that Morphoplex is one of the best inventions human beings have ever created. Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, sliced bread is a sorry excuse for regular bread anyway, so yes. How about the motorized car? Can an automobile make you lose weight and feel great? Actually, yes and no. If the car is made entirely out of Morphoplex capsules, the answer is a resounding hells yeah. If it's made out of normal car parts, then forget it.
[One of my dreams is to own a car that's entirely made of thick, corrugative cardboard. Those baseball bats which made a futuristic, echoing sound when you hit something would be its axles, and the tires would be various sizes of cheese wheels. In the road of life, there are passengers, and then there are people like me... rolling down the street in my crazy ass box-cheese-bat convertible.]
In this installment, I will explain the undeniable strengths of this amazing health product. Morphoplex has no weaknesses, since one of the benefits of taking Morphoplex that it forces the human mind to change its entire composition so it does not comprehend the meaning of "weakness".
The Power of Morphoplex
Fact 1: Can change Larry Zbyszko's last name to Nabisco just for fun.
Morphoplex is a strong, but laid back product. Therefore, it doesn't feel that it is necessary to put the Z's in Larry's last name in the right places. Honestly, it doesn't care about the name Zbyszko at all. "Larry who? What's that last part say? He must've made that up. I bet he was eating alphabet soup one day, and he ended up eating all the good letters accidentally. So, he just concocted a last name with what he had left," says Morphoplex. I don't know how it does it, but Morphoplex can indeed speak English. In fact, Morphoplex speech is incredibly eloquent for something that doesn't live or breath and has no vocal chords.
[Larry Zbyszko plays golf. I play mini-golf. Hence, I am better than The Living Legend. I never hit the windmill, Larry.]
Don't ask me why Morphoplex wishes to change The Living Legend's name to Larry Nabisco. All I know is that 1) it's awesome and 2) it can't get any more awesomer. Possibly, this means that TNA and Nabisco can finally work together in the wrestling/delicious snack collaboration of the century. How about, instead of TNA Bound for Glory, we get to watch TNA Chips Ahory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Lame? Don't worry, I'll go ask Morphoplex for a better name...
How about TNA Against All Oreos? Yeah, it's official -- I'm five years old.
[I wrote this article about a year ago, so happy sixth birthday to me. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I can't wait to go to Chuck E. Cheese with my first grade class, then see The Marine with a legal parental guardian.]
Fact 2: Leaves Traci Brooks' pants uncomfortably saggy.
With Morphoplex, TNA's own Traci says she can barely keep her pants on. I'm not positive, but I assume that's political commentary about our inability as a people to maintain peace within our borders. These "pants" represent our guarded nature to accept what's new and beneficial, but also mysterious, to our society. "Traci" saying she can "barely keep them on" means that... "she" must have "the sex"... "a lot".
[LOLOMGWTFNCAA @ Traci's implied promiscuity. In real life, I use the "hand quotes" gesture quite often. At first, I didn't even know I was using hand quotes; I just like to exercise my middle and index fingers while I talk.]
If Morphoplex was human, it'd probably be in jail for making Traci and several other women lose their pants privileges (although, it's not, so it's okay). If I knew Morphoplex could effortlessly take girls' pants off, I would have asked the Lord to give me an average appearance, instead of the ridiculously attractive one I currently possess. That way, I could live the mediocre life that I've always wanted. Somebody once told me that hard work can get you anything. Who was that individual? It was ECW, and it was terrible advice. Why? Well, where is ECW now? I am aware that ECW is not an actual person, but if it was, I bet it'd be really ugly and smell like a gymbag from... ancient Egypt. Yes, there were gymbags back then. I read in a book once that King Tut liked to play lacrosse, so that's another fact.
[In case you were wondering, I do have egg on my face for that ECW comment. ECW is alive and well under WWE's umbrella. To tell you the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised that the ECW of today is a quality product that produces a pretty entertaining hour of television each and every week. Yes, it's still ugly and smells like a gymbag, but this time, it's pre-taped and masked by Smackdown's Fall potpourri.]
Fact 3: Has the ability to defeat Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title 27+ times in a span of a month.
It's proven that Morphoplex is so powerful, that if it were released by WWE today, it'd sign with TNA soon after and defeat Jarrett for the NWA Title. It'd do this a lot. Sometimes, it'd win it about ten times in one edition of Impact (just to put it out there, I could do that, but I don't feel like it). "HE WON THE TITLE AGAIN! I’M SHOUTING!" Mike Tenay would say.
[Mike Tenay shouts. Don West shouts. What are they shouting about? I don't know exactly, but I bet they're repeating what a wrestler has just said:
Sting: I'm coming for you, Jarrett!
Mike: He's coming for you, Jarrett!
Don: Sting is coming for Jeff Jarrett and this is news to everyone!
TNA Audience: That man right there is Sting! That other guy is Jeff Jarrett! The former is coming for the latter! I am verbally expressing my excitement!]
Morphoplex's mortal enemies are Kings of Mountains, followed by Princes of Peninsulas and Mayors of McDonaldlands. Jeff Jarrett is perfectly okay with being hated since Morphoplex gives TNA money. "I ain't sayin' he's a gold digger", but Jeff likes to keep the number two promotion in North America afloat. That way, talented performers can make a living and feed their families. What is my response? Whatever, man. All I know is that a certain someone I know sells "selfish" by the sea shore. Some dude named Jeff Jarrett bought the entire supply.
[Yeah, who do I have to powerbomb to get some selfish around dem dere parts?]
Fact 4: Will make TNA Impact defeat WWE RAW with a 15.7 rating on Christmas Day.
Santa Claus and Vince McMahon are no match for the sleek sexiness of weight loss pills in a bottle. Several of TNA's admirers expect Spike TV to change Impact's timeslot to Monday nights. I assure the readers that this will happen (thanks to Morphoplex). For those that remember the Monday Night Wars between the former WWF and WCW, or the Friday Night Wars I had trying to decide whether to go out and expose myself to fresh air or stay inside and watch Boy Meets World, this would be the second installment. Morphoplex is like the Mr. Feeny to TNA's Cory Matthews. WWE would most likely be... Minkus. I just confused the entire world with that comparison, but you should know your Boy Meets World. I'm thinking of becoming a teacher, just so I can teach a class based on why Vader was so cool on that show. It’s time, Mr. Matthews. Vader Time, I presume.
[According to my televisionistic memory, Vader played Frankie Stechino's father on Boy Meets World. Frankie Stechino now plays Randy on My Name is Earl. What am I trying to say here? Vader makes careers via mere association. What happened to Ben Savage? Well, Vader is one for two there, but cut him some slack. He's just one man. He may look like two if you see him from a distance, but that's one guy.]
With Morphoplex, of course Impact would convincingly defeat RAW, even on December 25th. If you refer back to the story of the birth of Jesus Christ, you will see that The IV Wisemen (I want to say Ric Flair, Steve McMichael, Dean Malenko, and Chris Benoit with Arn Anderson, but I might be wrong) gave him gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a slimmer and trimmer Don West. I’m sure this is an animated special somewhere.
Also, take a look at the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 TNA Impacts
11 TNA Impacts
10 TNA Impacts
9 TNA Impacts
8 TNA Impacts
7 TNA Impacts
6 TNA Impacts
5 Cases of Morphoplex
4 TNA Impacts
3 TNA Impacts
2 TNA Impacts and a
Charismatic Enigma in a Fat Burning Tree
[What a wonderful parody of jingle bells I did. I'm like a jolly gold Saint Rickolas right here. Merry Halloween.]
Fact 5: Lowers gas prices to FREE.
To my understanding, George W. Bush is from Texas. That state has some tea, which is black and bubbly. I'm not from this America people speak of, but I'm sure there's still a little more there. When you're out of peanut butter, you look at the bottom of the lid. Once there, you get more peanut butter; the kind of peanut butter that is unexpected, yet welcome. Apparently, on this planet, we can't do that. The public's mindset has transformed into "Gas prices are too high! That's a lot of money to fill up the tank. When will cars run on Sunny Delight? Cause I have a ton of that at home, always next to the purple stuff." Gas prices just got higher after uttering that sentence aloud.
[I neither like nor dislike George W. Bush. In a match with Al Gore or John Kerry, Bush would win both times because he's the only person in either match I know for sure exists as an actual human being. Now, I assume a robot could beat him, but is that even plausible? Sure, a robot could become a good worker, but who the hell would agree to train it? A cyborg?]
So, what can be done? Once again, Morphoplex is the solution. By adding Morphoplex to your gasoline, it automatically becomes free. As you pull away from the station, with attendants screaming and cussing at you to pay for the damn gas, just say Morphoplex. If they don't nod their head and look up at the sky approvingly, they are aliens. Throw bottles of Morphoplex at them and their heads will explode.
Fact 1: Can change Larry Zbyszko's last name to Nabisco just for fun.
Morphoplex is a strong, but laid back product. Therefore, it doesn't feel that it is necessary to put the Z's in Larry's last name in the right places. Honestly, it doesn't care about the name Zbyszko at all. "Larry who? What's that last part say? He must've made that up. I bet he was eating alphabet soup one day, and he ended up eating all the good letters accidentally. So, he just concocted a last name with what he had left," says Morphoplex. I don't know how it does it, but Morphoplex can indeed speak English. In fact, Morphoplex speech is incredibly eloquent for something that doesn't live or breath and has no vocal chords.
[Larry Zbyszko plays golf. I play mini-golf. Hence, I am better than The Living Legend. I never hit the windmill, Larry.]
Don't ask me why Morphoplex wishes to change The Living Legend's name to Larry Nabisco. All I know is that 1) it's awesome and 2) it can't get any more awesomer. Possibly, this means that TNA and Nabisco can finally work together in the wrestling/delicious snack collaboration of the century. How about, instead of TNA Bound for Glory, we get to watch TNA Chips Ahory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Lame? Don't worry, I'll go ask Morphoplex for a better name...
How about TNA Against All Oreos? Yeah, it's official -- I'm five years old.
[I wrote this article about a year ago, so happy sixth birthday to me. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I can't wait to go to Chuck E. Cheese with my first grade class, then see The Marine with a legal parental guardian.]
Fact 2: Leaves Traci Brooks' pants uncomfortably saggy.
With Morphoplex, TNA's own Traci says she can barely keep her pants on. I'm not positive, but I assume that's political commentary about our inability as a people to maintain peace within our borders. These "pants" represent our guarded nature to accept what's new and beneficial, but also mysterious, to our society. "Traci" saying she can "barely keep them on" means that... "she" must have "the sex"... "a lot".
[LOLOMGWTFNCAA @ Traci's implied promiscuity. In real life, I use the "hand quotes" gesture quite often. At first, I didn't even know I was using hand quotes; I just like to exercise my middle and index fingers while I talk.]
If Morphoplex was human, it'd probably be in jail for making Traci and several other women lose their pants privileges (although, it's not, so it's okay). If I knew Morphoplex could effortlessly take girls' pants off, I would have asked the Lord to give me an average appearance, instead of the ridiculously attractive one I currently possess. That way, I could live the mediocre life that I've always wanted. Somebody once told me that hard work can get you anything. Who was that individual? It was ECW, and it was terrible advice. Why? Well, where is ECW now? I am aware that ECW is not an actual person, but if it was, I bet it'd be really ugly and smell like a gymbag from... ancient Egypt. Yes, there were gymbags back then. I read in a book once that King Tut liked to play lacrosse, so that's another fact.
[In case you were wondering, I do have egg on my face for that ECW comment. ECW is alive and well under WWE's umbrella. To tell you the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised that the ECW of today is a quality product that produces a pretty entertaining hour of television each and every week. Yes, it's still ugly and smells like a gymbag, but this time, it's pre-taped and masked by Smackdown's Fall potpourri.]
Fact 3: Has the ability to defeat Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title 27+ times in a span of a month.
It's proven that Morphoplex is so powerful, that if it were released by WWE today, it'd sign with TNA soon after and defeat Jarrett for the NWA Title. It'd do this a lot. Sometimes, it'd win it about ten times in one edition of Impact (just to put it out there, I could do that, but I don't feel like it). "HE WON THE TITLE AGAIN! I’M SHOUTING!" Mike Tenay would say.
[Mike Tenay shouts. Don West shouts. What are they shouting about? I don't know exactly, but I bet they're repeating what a wrestler has just said:
Sting: I'm coming for you, Jarrett!
Mike: He's coming for you, Jarrett!
Don: Sting is coming for Jeff Jarrett and this is news to everyone!
TNA Audience: That man right there is Sting! That other guy is Jeff Jarrett! The former is coming for the latter! I am verbally expressing my excitement!]
Morphoplex's mortal enemies are Kings of Mountains, followed by Princes of Peninsulas and Mayors of McDonaldlands. Jeff Jarrett is perfectly okay with being hated since Morphoplex gives TNA money. "I ain't sayin' he's a gold digger", but Jeff likes to keep the number two promotion in North America afloat. That way, talented performers can make a living and feed their families. What is my response? Whatever, man. All I know is that a certain someone I know sells "selfish" by the sea shore. Some dude named Jeff Jarrett bought the entire supply.
[Yeah, who do I have to powerbomb to get some selfish around dem dere parts?]
Fact 4: Will make TNA Impact defeat WWE RAW with a 15.7 rating on Christmas Day.
Santa Claus and Vince McMahon are no match for the sleek sexiness of weight loss pills in a bottle. Several of TNA's admirers expect Spike TV to change Impact's timeslot to Monday nights. I assure the readers that this will happen (thanks to Morphoplex). For those that remember the Monday Night Wars between the former WWF and WCW, or the Friday Night Wars I had trying to decide whether to go out and expose myself to fresh air or stay inside and watch Boy Meets World, this would be the second installment. Morphoplex is like the Mr. Feeny to TNA's Cory Matthews. WWE would most likely be... Minkus. I just confused the entire world with that comparison, but you should know your Boy Meets World. I'm thinking of becoming a teacher, just so I can teach a class based on why Vader was so cool on that show. It’s time, Mr. Matthews. Vader Time, I presume.
[According to my televisionistic memory, Vader played Frankie Stechino's father on Boy Meets World. Frankie Stechino now plays Randy on My Name is Earl. What am I trying to say here? Vader makes careers via mere association. What happened to Ben Savage? Well, Vader is one for two there, but cut him some slack. He's just one man. He may look like two if you see him from a distance, but that's one guy.]
With Morphoplex, of course Impact would convincingly defeat RAW, even on December 25th. If you refer back to the story of the birth of Jesus Christ, you will see that The IV Wisemen (I want to say Ric Flair, Steve McMichael, Dean Malenko, and Chris Benoit with Arn Anderson, but I might be wrong) gave him gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a slimmer and trimmer Don West. I’m sure this is an animated special somewhere.
Also, take a look at the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 TNA Impacts
11 TNA Impacts
10 TNA Impacts
9 TNA Impacts
8 TNA Impacts
7 TNA Impacts
6 TNA Impacts
5 Cases of Morphoplex
4 TNA Impacts
3 TNA Impacts
2 TNA Impacts and a
Charismatic Enigma in a Fat Burning Tree
[What a wonderful parody of jingle bells I did. I'm like a jolly gold Saint Rickolas right here. Merry Halloween.]
Fact 5: Lowers gas prices to FREE.
To my understanding, George W. Bush is from Texas. That state has some tea, which is black and bubbly. I'm not from this America people speak of, but I'm sure there's still a little more there. When you're out of peanut butter, you look at the bottom of the lid. Once there, you get more peanut butter; the kind of peanut butter that is unexpected, yet welcome. Apparently, on this planet, we can't do that. The public's mindset has transformed into "Gas prices are too high! That's a lot of money to fill up the tank. When will cars run on Sunny Delight? Cause I have a ton of that at home, always next to the purple stuff." Gas prices just got higher after uttering that sentence aloud.
[I neither like nor dislike George W. Bush. In a match with Al Gore or John Kerry, Bush would win both times because he's the only person in either match I know for sure exists as an actual human being. Now, I assume a robot could beat him, but is that even plausible? Sure, a robot could become a good worker, but who the hell would agree to train it? A cyborg?]
So, what can be done? Once again, Morphoplex is the solution. By adding Morphoplex to your gasoline, it automatically becomes free. As you pull away from the station, with attendants screaming and cussing at you to pay for the damn gas, just say Morphoplex. If they don't nod their head and look up at the sky approvingly, they are aliens. Throw bottles of Morphoplex at them and their heads will explode.
In addition, George W. Bush will automatically be given an unprecedented 3rd term as United States President if he grasps the concept of Morphoplex. Republicans only asked for Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, but I'm sure they will still be happy. By the way, I heard Republicans are against the usage of Playstation 2's analog sticks as it reminds them of man parts. The Democrats just told me that maybe the Republicans actually like that it reminds them of man parts. Surely, this will be the #1 issue of the 2008 election.
[I'd rather be an Aristocat than a Republican or Democrat. As an Aristocat, I could live the good life as a cat. Take that, conservative and liberal individuals.]
Next Week: Elaboration on the power of Morphoplex. Also, send this article to 27 of your closest friends and your crush will fall in love with you.
[If you haven't done this by now, pick a number. Do you have it? Good. Your answer is the number of years you will have bad luck. I hope you have fun falling off of cliffs, running into sharp things, and combing Umaga's unruly hair.]
This Morphoplex in Morphoplex Trivia:
Q: Did you know that Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner, a sponsor of TNA, is actually Darth Vader... who is Anakin Skywalker... who is your father?
A: Wait, that can't be. That's from a movie, isn't it? Hold on... my mother said that she spent the night with a motion picture once. On second thought, it was a series of motion pictures. Uh oh.
Q: Did you know that Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner, a sponsor of TNA, is actually Darth Vader... who is Anakin Skywalker... who is your father?
A: Wait, that can't be. That's from a movie, isn't it? Hold on... my mother said that she spent the night with a motion picture once. On second thought, it was a series of motion pictures. Uh oh.
[Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But, Senator Palpatine said...]
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