The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 8th

Last Ride (to Oatmealville) Match
Mr. Kennedy vs. Quaker Man

WWWIIIILLLLLLLFFFFFFOOOOORRRRRDDDD
BBBBRRRRRIIIIIMMMMMLLLLLEEEEEYYYYY...

BRIMLEY.

I gather some oats
Till it gets really oaty
My bowl is so much better that way
I'm gonna mess with your meal
Cuz I know that I can
Gonna see how much warm breakfast I can make and take

Gonna slurp gonna chomp
Gonna go spoon to mouth
But I'll wait cause it's too hot
I'd like to have some but it's too hot

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Why, it's Christmas Day, mister. Go have fun and celebrate the birth of Rudolph.

AND

I hope that's egg in my nog. I don't trust the carton.

Pro-Con Marathon

Wrestling personalities are not perfect. When it comes down to it, wrestlers are just regular people trying to make an unorthodox living in this crazy world. They somersault out of bed like the rest of us, and put their pants on one arm at a time, like a lot of us. In lieu of a toothbrush, they will not brush their teeth with gold doubloons akin to the habits of the wealthy. Instead, they will construct their own toothbrush out of a small twig and a collection of stray cat hairs. While these beings may be dubbed Superstars by such wrestling companies as World Wrestling Entertainment, these wrestlers have many a flaw.

Although there are negatives to each and every one of them, they carry positive traits as well. Do you want to find out the good and bad of the sports entertainers of the day? Of course you do, but I'm tired. I'm going to my bungalow. I'll be back soon.

Just kidding. I don't have a bungalow. See, if I was featured on the following list, my lack of a bungalow would go in the 'CON' pile. Understand? You learn something new every day. You can thank me later, but for now, let's take a gander at this here list. Like the genius Shelton Benjamin says, prepare to be edgemaclated.

Carlito (RAW)

Carlito has been with Maria, Trish Stratus, and Torrie Wilson. What kind of list is he trying to complete here? Is it some kind of perverted version of Victoria's list?

+ Hair defies gravity.
+ 20 side-revolutions in suspension per leap into air.
+ Strong velocity of saliva.

- Has never tried oranges.
- Cracks backs (part-time, unlicensed chiropractor).
- Strong dislike for people who are warm.

Rob Van Dam (ECW)

Mr. Monday Night became Mr. Thursday Night, then Mr. Monday Night again before transforming into Mr. Tuesday Night. How indecisive of him. I bet that's why there is no Mrs. Monday/Thursday/Tuesday night, at least in storyline.

+ Educated legs have just received their Masters degree.
+ Does not use chairs in the conventional way.
+ Could point his thumbs to others, but chooses to point to himself.

- Posterior sweat.
- Enemy is oregano.
- Wears airbrushed Long Johns in the winter.

Michael Cole (Smackdown)

Michael Cole... to the skull.

+ Is a human.
+ Clearly aware of objects in front of him, such as a large desk.
+ Uses mouth to speak.

- Not this way! Not this way! Damnit!
- Oh my!
- Uses mouth to speak.

Paul Heyman (ECW/Nothing)

Vince McMahon loves Paul Heyman so much, he sent him home early so Paul could get a head start on his Christmas/Hanukkah shopping. If Paul is reading this, Vince wants a suit, but an entirely new suit that has no relation to the more extreme suit you gave him many Christmases ago. Also, it should be nothing like the suit you presented to him at Suit's One Night Stand.

+ Magical skullet grants wishes aplenty for the unfortunate.
+ Has a backstage pass to the ECW logo apparently. I can't even get into that logo.
+ Gorilla suit doubles as 2000 era Albert/A-Train Halloween costume.

- Appeared in Rollerball.
- Discarded convenient luxury of a "Zack Morris" cellular phone.
- Lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the... floor.

Abyss (TNA)

To set the record straight, Abyss is not a ripoff of Kane, nor is he an inadequate copy of Mankind. Although, if you close one eye and squint the other, he's a dead ringer for a masked Rosie O'Donnell.

+ Popularized the Black Hole Slam, which is quite the infamous maneuvre in several male prisons.
+ Does not wear a mask to hide a disfigurement, but to smell some of that Febreeze air freshener he just sprayed on the mask's interior. It smells nice. When he wears the Febreeze mask, he's donning a constant reminder of why life is beautiful on his face.
+ Billed as 6'8", realistically 6'4", but actually 13 feet tall if you stack a fake Abyss on top of a real Abyss.

- Forever holds a broken chain as he tries desperately to find out who took his banana seat bicycle.
- Aggressive streak triggered by a manager who presses an imaginary button. Let me flick this imaginary switch here and see what happens. Oh crap. Abyss just started baking cupcakes. Ah man, they're vanilla.
- Hoards bags of thumbtacks, depriving bulletin boards of much needed life purpose.

Batista (Smackdown)

When Batista wears a suit, I think, "This guy is a superstar." When I watch him wrestle, I say "Hey, look at the guy in the front row with a cell phone in his hand. Is he saying hello to me? I don't think I know him. Wait, did I go to elementary school with that guy? Is that Bertram? Was it Bertram or Bernard? I know it's something with a B. Oh, now the man next to him is on the phone. Hold on, I think I saw that man in a restaurant once. I remember that he ate a lot of shrimp. Was it shrimp or crayfish? His haircut is familiar too. Oh, it was shrimp. That restaurant was good. Is he sporting a bowl cut?"

+ Invisible machine gun will come in handy in the upcoming battle against invisible zombies.
+ Shakes ropes to detect durability of ropes.
+ Has asthma, like other wild and scary animals who have respiratory problems.

- Named his finisher The Batista Bomb, which is the same move he utilizes when he has the runs.
- Has an abundance of shirts, but still wears a women's tanktop, popularized by such figures as Shawn Michaels and Shad from Cryme Tyme.
- Invisible machine gun no match for actual gun, let alone a Nerf gun.

The Boogeyman (Smackdown)

The Boogeyman was fired, but now he is hired. There goes WWE's acquisition of a billion oversized alarm clocks.

+ Uses only two moves so there is enough moves to go around for the other wrestlers during the holidays.
+ Singlehandedly supports the worm retail industry.
+ Wooden staff of smoke is great tribute to promiscuous girls everywhere who constantly smoke wooden staffs.

- Is, more often than not, coming to get me.
- Stole Darth Maul's makeup kit from his vanity cabinet.
- Absence of teeth encourages rude slurping at the dinner table.

Jim Cornette (TNA)

Mid-Southern accent about old-school wrestling and companies I've never heard of. Mid-Southern accent with passive-aggressive commentary about people he dislikes. Mid-Southern accent with big eyeglasses.

+ Amount of anger towards Vince Russo can be generated into electric power for the benefit of a large town or small city.
+ Could pose as my high school science teacher and get away with it. Sodium and chlorine makes Chlorium Soride. Thanks, Teach.
+ Tennis racket.

- Will not buy a cheeseburger with today's pricing because he refuses to forget the days when you could purchase a burger, a large drink, a basket of fries, and a moonpie with 1) half of a penny, or 2) the bartering of a pristine beaver pelt.
- Managed the Midnight Express, but not the Late Afternoon Express. I don't take kindly to those who have a grudge against 3:00 to 4:00pm PST/EST.
- No tennis balls.

Gregory Helms (Smackdown)

I don't blame Gregory Helms for his bad attitude. I would be mad too if I lost my mild-mannered reporting job at the Daily Globe. Where my dental benefits at, bitches?

+ Says his name at the beginning of his entrance theme to dispel rumours of his name change to Luscious Q. Rockefeller.
+ Cruiserweight Championship doubles as a backup hot plate when exposed to the hot sun for 10-15 minutes
+ Gregory is the ultimate wrestling name, followed by Voldemort.

- When dropping "The Hurricane" persona, refused to downgrade himself to "The Tropical Disturbance".
- Forever hurt the livelihood of the Hamburglar. Shoot. Hamburglar gots kids to feed.
- Shining Wizard has no connection to my idol -- The Shiny Wizard.

Kurt Angle (TNA)

If you are paying close enough attention, the Kurt Angle of the modern day sounds nothing like the Kurt Angle of the WWF from 1999 to 2000. I know battery acid is delicious, but why Kurt why?

+ If you think about it, participated in bouts likely to be found on anybody's Top 10 WWE Matches of All-Time List. For instance, Kurt Angle versus Maria was pretty spiffy.
+ "It's real, it's damn real!" is a good catchphrase because I was convinced it wasn't real at first, but when he aggressively said it was real a second time, I was more inclined to accept the notion in theory. I'd be also swayed if spoke to me in the nature of "Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny Mother****er!"
+ Every time he hurts his neck, an angel gets its wings. As of this moment, every angel in heaven has 8 pairs of wings.

- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Samoa Joe: Angle tries to fight off Joe, who believes Angle's Olympic gold medal is made out of chocolate.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Daniel Puder: Instead of a shootfight, Puder and Angle engage in a turned-based strategy battle. Angle will use Argon 4 Spell Casting with Xephor Knight Armor, while Puder will employ his Zumoron Staff of the Almighty with 120 Healing Potential. Wait for the hit, wait for the hit. Okay, it's your turn.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Kurt Angle:
Kurt must answer the question "Does Kurt Angle wrestle in the ring, or is the ring wrestling Kurt Angle?"

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 7th

Inferno Match
Kane vs. The Green Ranger

Go, go childhood memories!
Go, go childhood memories!
Go, go childhood memories! Mighty Morphin' childhood memories!

Don't go Isaac Yankem!
Don't go Isaac Yankem! Don't go Isaac Yankem!
Mighty Morphin' Isaac Yankem!

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

It's the last edition of The Swerved for the year 2006 .

AND

To be topically comedic, I will toboggan down a snowy hill, screaming "Wii!" all the way to the bottom.

The Interviewerved: The Wrestling Professor and I

Last time, I delved deep into the mind of The Wrestling Professor. When it was all said and done, I uncovered diamonds of truth from the African mines of his brain. This week, he delves deep into me. I'm so glad that the previous sentence didn't come off as dirty. Even if it did, can't a man ask another man about his thoughts and feelings without the process coming off as effeminate? Come on, people. Keep it together...

No, I don't mean "keep" "it" "together". Every last one of you sicken me, but do enjoy part two of two of The Interviewerved with The Wrestling Professor.

-Stephen

*****

"...I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something." -Myself on the fighters of the UFC
Stephen Rivera: Statistics.
-Current owner/writer of The Swerved.
-Former writer of ArmpitWrestling.com.
-If asked, will jump start your car without the need for jumper cables, or a car.
-Finishing Move: juggles with his opponent’s limbs (still attached).

10 Questions

#1: Rivera. That’s a Hispanic name, isn’t it? Yet you’re from Canada. Please explain your ethnicity, your cultural roots, languages spoken, bones broken, when she awoken, who you jokin’, and how you feel about Hoboken.

S: If you ever see me in person, you'll scratch your head, neck, left arm, and hamstrings in confusion. Also, try not to fall in love with me right away, because that happens a lot and I hate having to refuse people's advances. Yes, Rivera is a Hispanic name, but I'm of Spanish and Asian heritage, yet I was born in Canada. Because of the fantastical school system, I can speak English and even some French. If I'm ever lost in France, I can easily ask people where the nearest bathroom is or if I can use their pencil crayons near the window. Finally, I am indifferent to Hoboken because I assume that is a magical dreamland of Hobos named Ken. I've never been there, so...

#2: The Swerved is your baby, just like the Armpit was my baby. With all this baby-making going around, one has to ask: When it comes to The Swerved, who is the mother?

S: I don't know. I just don't know. Can a single man trying to make it in the city raise a website all by himself? This fall on FOX, get ready for a brand new drama one guy and a bird are raving about. "At Your Swervice" starring Stephen Rivera... with Howie Mandel as the voice of the website.

#3: Managing people is a risk. When it comes to your tenure at the Armpit, how would you describe your experience?

a) WP was a controlling, fanatical boss who demanded, and got, my blood.
b) WP was a laid back boss, lax on deadlines and easy on rules.
c) WP didn’t know if I was dead or alive, and never thanked me once for busting my ass (for no pay, mind you) for his stupid site that no one read.
d) WP kept me down, put a glass ceiling over my head, and kept himself in the main events.
e) Other (please explain)
S: WP was a kitchen appliance, consisting of a container housing interchangeable, rotating, steel blades, used for the preparation of various foods by shredding, slicing, chopping, or blending. Oh, wait -- are you The Wrestling Professor, or The Food Processor?

#4: You’re the funniest wrestling columnist I’ve ever read. Having said that, I’ve never read Linda McMahon’s columns, so I should put an asterisk in front of that statement. What spurs your humor, and who are your comedic influences?

S: I thank you. To show my gratitude, I will knit you a sweater of hopes or dreams. It's just one out of the two, though.

I've always looked at the world around me in this weird, observational way; I just don't always express my thoughts because a lot of the time, they have nothing to do with anything. Friends and loved ones know I'm actually this crazy, but in a work setting, or a classroom setting, I'm fairly normal and bland.

I can't explain my mindset exactly, but I can give you an example of how I perceive the world -- when the 2000 Presidential Election was taking place, Al Gore and George Bush utilized "entrance music" whenever they appeared at campaign rallies. Whenever someone was watching a rally, I'd mute the television and give the candidates alternate music (I'd sing/hum it). Al Gore came out to "You Can Do It (Put Ya Ass Into It)" by Ice Cube. George W. Bush appeared with Laura to "Superthug" by Noreaga ... because aren't we all superthugs in the end? In this situation, I imagined the Republican supporters in the audience dancing in the crowd chanting the "WHAT! WHAT!" parts of the song. I sincerely believe that if US Presidential elections were really like that, everyone would be interested in politics.

Some of my biggest influences are shows like Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The Simpsons for their excellent mix of smart and dumb humour; I'm also a big fan of The Office, Scrubs, and Eddie Murphy's entire tenure on Saturday Night Live. Some say I'm Monty Python-like, but I could never get into that show. This may be blaspemous for me to say, but I find that type of humour too random for random's sake. Some stand-ups I really love are Mitch Hedberg (RIP), Bob Newhart, Jim Gaffigan, Demetri Martin, and Maria Bamford. Check out their stuff and you'll know understand my oeuvre better.

#5: Like many wrestling fans, I’m spending a lot more time and money on UFC and PRIDE. Do you, Stephen Rivera, watch and approve of MMA? If so, what are your thoughts? If not so, then what are your thoughts? If maybe so, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not thinking at all, then what are your thoughts? If you’re not breathing and don’t have a pulse at the moment, what are your thoughts?

(Note to self: Wait for Stephen to answer, and then after he writes 3 words, say “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR THOUGHTS ARE.” Ok? Don’t forget.)

S: What the who what where why when whom? You and fancy words are fancy and all that razzmatazz. Are you a warlock?

I like MMA, but in the end, it's wrestling (albeit legitimate), even if Dana White and the UFC deny it. Plus, if somebody watches it for the first time, I wouldn't be surprised if he or she thinks it's more "gay" than professional wrestling. To use blatant, ignorant judgement here, MMA is two guys in a match touching and slamming each other for real. For most of the bout, they're trying to jockey for position on top of the other (in a missionary sense). Most of the time, it looks like they're hugging and don't want to let go. At the end of the day, I enjoy the sport. Also, I am heterosexually attracted to Rachelle Leah.

The biggest problem the UFC has is the lack of personality. The only people I care about are the big names. Others have nicknames like "The Athlete", or "The Professional", or "The Adult Male". They need to better differentiate the fighters, unless the fighters are exactly the same in appearance and demeanor. If that's the case, I guess you could dress one of them in a top hat or something. Buff Bagwell was one of favourite wrestlers in WCW because of his mystical power of top hattery.

#6: Rate the following Canadians and French Canadians on a Homosexuality Scale of 1 to 10. 1 means not gay at all, 10 means flaming, and numbers in between represent varying degrees of back-door entry accessibility. Feel free to include comments on any or all of these men.

S:
Bret Hart: 9 - He is Bret "The Hitman" Hart. That means he "hits men". Oh, that's intercourse with fellows. The fact that he wore pink wrestling attire has nothing to do with his score on the scale. You see, I know a guy who wears polka dots, and he doesn't make love to men; he makes love to the beautiful night sky.

Chris Benoit: 9 - He is known as "The Rabid Wolverine". Wolverines like fashion.

Bobby Roode: 5 - He wishes to be called Robert. I don't know if that makes him more or less homosexual.

Jacques Rougeau: 2 - Who, The Mountie? His shock stick brings all the boys to the yard, but that's just because it's a cool weapon. It's probably better than yours too, but that's neither here nor there.

Sylvan: 1 - Pat Patterson has the wonderful tenderness of a large, eastern European woman.

Rene Dupree: 7 - Extremely-almost-fully homosexual. Absent of Fifi, but still.

Chris Jericho: 2 - When he had a goat beard, he appeared more feminine to me. Good thing he doesn't now.

A1: 10 - Gayer than Tabasco sauce.

Petey Williams: 8 - He's called Petey rather than Pete, which suggests he is the beyotch of his relationships.

Scott D’Amore: 6 - Could be a lumberjack. Body fit for flannel.

Sirelda: 0 - I'm afraid. I'm so afraid, my afraidness is afraid.

Eric Young: 3 - Appears confused. Maybe he's bi-curious.

Edge: 9 - He has long flowing hair. Plus, he has one name, like Cher, or Edge.

Christian: 7 - He has peeps. I think that's some sort of man-on-man disease.

#7: You’re granted immunity from one murder and one murder only. You can choose to kill a real terrorist like Osama bin Laden, or choose someone who betrayed your country like Earl Hebner. Given this free pass, who would you kill and why?

S: Musician/actor/dancer/ghetto etymologist Nick Cannon. He's both a real terrorist and a betrayer of all that is decent in life.

#8: Pretend you’ve grown The Swerved into a multi-million dollar, Fortune 50 company with offices all throughout North America. You’re the CEO and oversee 50,000 employees. You discover your CFO has embezzled $10 million, and as a result, your company is near bankruptcy. Assuming your level of MMA expertise is greater than your CFO’s, how would you punish this person?

a) Fists and fury. You and he in the octagon until one man surrenders.
b) In the courtroom, where you can Court-TV his ass.
c) 50 straight days of listening to K-Fed’s new CD.
d) 100 straight days of watching SmackDown, on mute.
e) 10 straight hours of “All Hail King Booker” clips, with the Mute button taken away.
f) 3 weeks of watching the never-before-seen XXX-rated sex tape of Bastion Booger and Bertha Faye.
g) 5,000 straight questions of obscure 90s wrestling references like the one I just wrote above.
h) Distributing leftover copies of the Armpit at a women’s prison, wearing a shirt that says, “Women are b*tches, b*tches are women. Now blow me.”
i) Grading Vince Russo’s high school essays, one by one, line by line, word by word.
j) Fighting Chuck Liddell, in the nude.
k) 80 straight hazing rituals conducted by Bob Holly, JBL, and Hugh Morrus.
l) Watching WCW Halloween Havoc ’92 over and over until he foams at the mouth.
m) Other (please explain).
S: Fists of fury, in the courtroom, listening to K-Fed's CD, with Smackdown in the background, full of "All Hail King Booker" clips, with the Booger-Faye tape queued up, which will present an obscure 90s wrestling reference, when we hand out Armpit newsletters to women in prison, taking a moment to grade Vince Russo's essays, before he wrestles Chuck Liddell in the nude, with Holly, JBL, and Morrus hazing both of them, as they are about to watch Halloween Havoc '92. Also, I will steal the cookies from the cookie jar. Who me? Yeah me. Couldn't be.

#9: Your mother, father, grandparents, siblings, best friend, wife, Jimbo, Brad Ravlin, Traci Brooks, and the Wrestling Professor are all stranded with you on a boat. It’s apparent you’re lost at sea, and you’ll be damned if you’re not the last to die. You have to throw everyone overboard at a rate of one person per day, until you’re the last one. In what order would you toss them over, and why?

S: First to go would be my grandparents, because they are the oldest and can use their wisdom to pull themselves out of the water and build a boat made entirely of wiseness. Next, they would use the winds of wisitivity to get to shore.

Second to go would be my siblings, because I'll never forgive them for that time they jammed my finger in the car door. To this day, my finger is still in that door.

Traci Brooks would go next, because she'd be able to float on water due to her ample swimming skills. Big, round swimming skills.

Brad would volunteer to go next to follow Traci.

Fifth to go would be my mother as she tries to find the 1,294,487th possession she has misplaced.

Sixth to go would be my father as he ventures to argue with my mother about the location of her misplaced posession.

Next would be Jimbo. I have nothing against Jimbo, but what if I rested my favourite rake against him... and he let that rake fall to the ground?

My best friend would go next to find a place that will repair my rake. He's cool like that.

With my (hypothetical) wife and the Wrestling Professor left, I'd turn on my wife and rip my shirt, revealing a "WPWO" (Wrestling Professor World Order) shirt. As you and I celebrate my defection to your stable, I'd turn on you and throw you over the side. Then, I'd rip that shirt, revealing my "WWO" (Wife World Order) shirt. As my wife and I lovingly embrace, I'd turn on her again and rip my shirt, but then I'd discover I am out of shirts. I would then throw myself overboard because I just wasted three shirts. A man who wastes three shirts, but is unable to waste a fourth, has no right to a prosperous life.

#10: There is no #10. HA, you were swerved! A taste of your own medicine, at last! Your response:

I c wat u did thair. U maik mee laff. You are so funny, I laugh backwards: AH AH AH AH AH A--You know what, WP?! I challenge you to a match on the grandest stage of them all. I'll see you at Cyber Sunday, buddy.

Goofus and Gallant and Wrestling Again

Click images to enlarge

*****

Next Week:

The Wrestling Professor Swerves Me?

AND

I will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber Deduction Alcove.

The Interviewerved: The Wrestling Professor

Welcome to what I hope to become a new and successful feature for this blog. You've seen interviews on numerous sites which tout great guests and insider information. Well, I have both, but in the opinion of the naysayers, I have none. To those naysayers I say this: nay to what you say. You see, my interview style is drastically different from everyone else's. My questions are so fascinating and in-depth that I truly believe I get down to the core of the interviewee, not unlike a kid trying to gain information from an owl while eating a Tootsie Pop. While this is but the first of many editions of my interview-counterview segment, I know for a fact that this is the beginning of something amazing. Take a snapshot of this inaugural article for this is a moment that will live in infamy. It's just like that time I saw The Undertaker throw Mankind off of the Hell in a Cell, or that time I saw Honey I Blew Up The Kid. Spoiler alert: that kid becomes way bigger than before.

If you or someone famous you know would like to participate in The Interviewerved, feel free to contact me. If you do become a fan of the segment but do not wish to be a part of a future edition, please spread the word. The more exposure the site receives, the more content the site will have. For the price of a cup of coffee per day, you can give The Swerved and its fellow villagers a clean source of drinking water and a proper education. Now, who wouldn't want that?

-Stephen

*****

"...it bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N' Beans"
-The Wrestling Professor on The Armpit Newsletter... and the digestive system of Goldust's father

The Wrestling Professor: Statistics
-Former owner/writer of WrestlingProfessor.com
-Former owner/writer of ArmpitWrestling.com
-When provoked, will fix many a wagon
-Finishing Move: quits, re-starts the site, quits again, re-starts again, and then quits again

10 Questions

#1: "The Wrestling Professor" is a moniker of great prestige, not unlike "The Ham Scientist". To the naked eye, one may misread the name as "Wrestling Professors", which would suggest that you wrestle liberal college professors, or that you are made up of a collection of professors stacked on top of each other to create one large sports entertainer, but to the fully-clothed eye, where does the name come from?

WP: Your first answer is much better than the real answer, because I’d love to beat up all the liberal college professors. Well, on second thought, I don’t even know what the real answer is because I’ve honestly forgotten why I chose that damn name. But I didn’t copy Mike Tenay, because who knew he was even called the Professor? Mike Tenay should instead be called the Most Patient Man on Earth. After all, the guy has to sit next to Don West all night and then put up with Vince Russo in booking meetings. The fact that he hasn’t snapped yet shows incredible restrain on his part. Me, I would’ve slapped the figure four on each of them and held on until their little chicken legs broke in half.

#2: The Armpit may be done, but the memories will last up to and including next week. What are some of your favourite moments from your monumental, influential, life-saving, wonderful, and curvaceous website?

WP: One thing I’ll miss is that one time I spent nearly $1,000 on starting the Armpit newsletter, and then it bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N’ Beans. Gosh, that was so much fun watching our hard earned money go down the garbage disposal as stacks and stacks of unread issues took up two-thirds of our 3-car garage.

Seriously, the only fun part was hearing from someone how our site made them laugh at work. That’s it. As you can certainly relate to, Mr. Rivera, we don’t get paid for this. Instead, we have to take satisfaction from doing what we love and knowing it affects somebody. Eventually, we then ask ourselves what the f*ck we’re doing, come to our senses, and just quit. Exhibit A: The Armpit.

#3: Life after The Armpit is tough; everyone associated with the website looked to be set for life. Sadly, the free bags of shredded cheese given to all columnists used to come to my door each and every month, but now only arrives once every two months. Today, what are you doing to keep yourself busy?

WP: First, the bags of shredded cheese will come less often. Second, the cheese will come solid, and you’ll have to shred it. Thirdly, we’ll send you milk that you have to process into cheese, and then shred. Finally, we’ll just send you cows to milk yourselves. After that, you’ll be lucky if we even keep your address.

Life without the Armpit has been great. It leaves more time to actually watch wrestling, and I no longer feel that self-induced pressure on Sunday nights to post the site and send out the quizzes. We’re remodeling our home and starting to enjoy life again. Aside from that, my new hobby is watching MMA. I never got that into it before, but I realize now that it’s more pro wrestling than pro wrestling is. For pro wrestling to be successful in 2007, it needs to start copying UFC.

#4: Let's get into the deep, dark crevices of your mind. Professional wrestling may be in incredible shape right now, what with the professional and the wrestling and what not, but what does it need to become a worldwide sensation once again?

a) The. Return of. Itchy Kidman.

WP: I think you’ll be seeing this in TNA soon. They’re already bringing back the Flock, and pretty soon Mr. Kidman will be without that salary from Ms. Wilson.

b) Wrestling angles which revolve around a murder mystery. The clues given consist of a sheet of sandpaper, a broken rubber band, and an exposed turnbuckle found on the crime scene.

WP: Wrestling copies CSI? Interesting idea, but bookers don’t have the ability anymore to make it intriguing.

c) Smackdown has The Fist. Therefore, on top of the RAW stage, there should be a gigantic steel kneecap. ECW on Sci-Fi should have a visual representation of a hangnail.

WP: TNA should one-up them and make enormous statues of cold sores.

d) Some kind of mind control device in which humans can be manipulated to confuse WWE with the UFC.

WP: Unless Dana White forms his own Kiss My Ass club, it ain’t happenin’.

#5: John Jacob Jingleheimer Holy Schmidt. What are some of your favourite and least favourite spots in wrestling? For instance, I personally enjoy it when a wrestler is so afraid of another wrestler that he/she tries to leave the ring, but cannot because the ring has somehow activated an invisible, inescapable force field.

WP: That spot always perplexed me too. Some other favorites of mine:

-A guy does a flying body press, and the victim stands there like an idiot for 30 seconds waiting for him. Logic says he’d just move out of the way, but there is no room for logic in wrestling.
-Ref bumps. After all these years, you’d figure promoters would always have at least one extra ref on hand to immediately jump in if one goes down.
-The Angle Slam. It’s just a light bump, and we’re supposed to believe it’s going to finish off Samoa Joe?
-Countouts, foreign objects, DQ’s, or any other false finish. Just so lame.
-Liquid falling from the top of the arena into the ring. Can you imagine this happening in UFC? Or football? Well, okay, unless it was the XFL.
-I better stop, or this list will go on forever.

#6: You are walking on the beach with Jesus Christ, yet you see a single set of footprints in the sand. Who is carrying whom in a match between yourself and the Lord? (Super Bonus Love Sex Angel Music Sex Question: How many stars would Dave Meltzer give your match?)

WP: I’d be carrying him, after knocking him out cold for cursing me with such small height, low weight, lack of muscle, and curly hair. I am blessed with a great wife and a great life, but that’s mostly due to luck and hard work, not the Lord.

Oh, and Meltzer wouldn’t rate it, because he doesn’t rate shoots.

#7: Recently, TNA has gained the services of arguably the most talented, gifted, and angry-and-red-while-sweating-and-shaking grappler in wrestling history -- Kurt Angle. Let's say Kurt Angle was a name createdand owned by World Wrestling Entertainment. What name would Kurt go under in Total Nonstop Action?

WP: Choices may include, but are not limited to:
- The Liar
- Kirk Angel
- Samoa Kurt
- Chuck Liddell’s Bitch
- Daniel Puder’s Punching Bag
- C*nt (who would team with Spike Dudley in the incredible tag team known as Runt & C*nt)
- Kurt Angel (pronounced “On-Hell,” pretending to be Latino and the newest member of LAX)
- The Suppository (forming a new group called Ex-LAX, to feud with LAX)
- False (he’d team with Truth (Ron Killings), and hand out True/False quizzes before each match)
- Kurt Jarrett (to ensure a push)
- Kurt Roode (to ensure a burial)
- G.H. Styles (which stands for “Growth Hormone” Styles, and he’d team with A.J. Styles, which will stand for “Anabolic Juice” Styles)
- K-Kurt (named after K-Fed, the hottest heel in wrestling)

#8: According to weekly television, WWE Live Events are amazing. People in lines scream a lot, wrestlers often hug grabby crowds, foreign fans have signs with a wrestler's name on them, but most of all, arena lighting consists of half of a candle and a dying glowstick. What is the worst experience you've had at a wrestling event?

WP: Anytime you’re almost burned to death, it’s a bad experience. I’m referring to the ECW Arena event in November of 1995 in which Terry Funk caught on fire. As Mick Foley tried to put him out, the fire spread to my section of the building. Everyone bolted for the exit, not knowing if Funk was dead or alive. I wrote about this extensively in one of my columns on the site, and you can read about it more in Mick Foley’s first book. Just a nightmare.

#9: The prices of gasoline and peppermint candies in our current society are as ridiculous as ever. Hollywood movie star and former WWE superstar Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson often referred to Stephanie McMahon as a two dollar floozy. In hindsight, was that actually a great bargain?

WP: Absolutely. If you paid $250 million for Stephanie, it’s still a bargain because you’d be keeping her away from the creative department. In her role as head of creative, she has cost the company far, far more than $250 million.

#10: For the curious reader out there (only one exists), what do you really think of The Swerved with Stephen Rivera? In particular, is there anything you'd like to see that hasn't been seen yet?

WP: I love it and consider it a travesty it’s not one of the top 5 viewed wrestling sites out there. Seriously. Everyone needs to spread the word, because The Swerved is comedic brilliance and a hidden gem. The only thing I’d like to see is for it to be a smashing success.

This Week in Wrestling Professor Questions of the Week:

Q: Did you know that The Wrestling Professor, creator of Armpitwrestling.com, is notoriously Fergalicious on Tuesdays and Sundays?

A: Does he have a license to be that Fergalicious?

Goofus and Gallant and Wrestling

Click image to enlarge

*****

NEXT WEEK:

The Wrestling Professor Gets Swerved?

AND

I try to tie one hand behind my back... with one hand tied behind my back.

The Power of Morphoplex: Part 2

[To refresh your memory, I took a look at the first part of this article on a previous edition of The Swerved: Special Edition. When TNA Impact! started out on Spike TV, they were sponsored by a little company known as Morphoplex. They sold such things as dietary supplements, self-esteem, and rainbows. Unfortunately, they are not affiliated with Total Non-stop Action anymore, but sometimes, in the middle of the night, when you're very quiet... you can hear the distant sound of fat burning in the moonlight. That, my friends, is Morphoplex through and through.]

Morphoplex rules. Merry Christmas.

The above introduction is basically all you need. Why say anything more?

Nevertheless, I will provide even more reasons why TNA has the best sponsor in the history of time. WWE is no match for the Total Non-Stop Actionosity of Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner. Surely, Wrestlemania has it's own sponsor, but it tries and fails to match Morphoplex's power. Snickers Cruncher, WWE says? What's that supposed to do? If snickers mean laughter and cruncher means one who crunches, that means that WWE wants to "crunch laughter". The WWE wants to rid the world of comedy? Well I never.

[I don't understand why Snickers gets to sponsor Wrestlemania all the time. Snickers is not even that dynamic of a candy bar. I can make homemade Snickers by melting a block of chocolate and throwing a cannister of Planters peanuts in there. One time, I accidentally put some Honey Roasted in the batch. It was still better than Snickers. If you really want to know my feelings on chocolate products in general, I don't hate candy bars, but I prefer better treats like Twix ice cream... or M & Ms in a salad.]

Therefore, the math equation is:

The World - The Funny = You Get The 'F' Out, WWE

[Put the 'F' back in, get the 'F' back out, put the 'F' back in, and you shake it all about. That's an awesome song. I'm bumping that track in my car.]

Fact 6: Will travel to the moon... just for kicks.

Do you recall the time when Max Moon debuted in the WWF and was supposedly from the moon, but was actually TNA's own Konnan? Also, do you remember when Konnan revealed to the wrestling world that he was actually Lance Bass of *NSYNC? How about him saying that he wanted to go on the moon, and paid the Russians millions of his hard earned dollars to make his dream come true, but he ended up not making the trip when it was revealed that the moon was just a fan of Justin Timberlake? If you don't, Morphoplex does. While it is aiming to make the very same trip, it will not make the same mistake as Konnan. It will don a Justin Timberlake costume if need be.

Like the song goes, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're eating it the wrong way." Morphoplex was always curious about space travel, as it feels that weightlessness on the moon seems to be just a lazy excuse for obese people to stop eating Subway sandwiches three times a day. Jared didn't try to do that and he's fine. He didn't need to go to the moon to feel better about himself.

[As far as Jared Fogle from the Subway commercials is concerned, I can hold a big ass pair of pants too, and I don't even do commercials. Of course, I don't own big pants, but I sure can hold them. I feel bad for those who ate Subway all day in a misguided attempt to lose weight. Do you know how much it costs for a six-inch sub with one slice of ham at Subway? Your first born. Your first born times three meals per day equals a lot of first born children.]

When the task is complete, Morphoplex will be the first supplement in space. It will take the American flag that oddly flaps in the moon's winds and replace it with a banner of TNA. On a very silent night, you will hear Martians in space chanting "T-N-A" or "shiny shirt". Keep your ears up to the sky for that.

Fact 7: Can impregnate every female wrestler/valet in the industry (plus one guy).

Morphoplex has no reproductive organs, but that's no reason for it to quit trying to make babies. By creating a set of organs with the assistance of duct tape, Play-Doh, and pipe cleaners, Morphoplex will be able to "get it on". It's an accomplishment in itself for a bottle of weight loss pills to "do the deed", but were you aware that Morphoplex's seed is so potent, that the women of wrestling that it "threads the needle" with won't be the only ones that will be with child? Even other lovely ladies, both overseas and in independent wrestling organizations, will inadvertently house Morphoplex, Jrs. It's true-- Morphoplex's swimmers have passports and have the ability to impregnate women in other continents.

[An individual who shall remain nameless pointed out to me that Morphoplex does not impregnate women. I was so relieved because I used to store my Morphoplex pills inside of female birth canals.]

Yet, it does not stop there. Morphoplex is strong enough to knock up males too. How does that work? Oh... I don't know... how about... magic, bitch?! Moreover, Morphoplex is a genetic jackhammer the likes that we have never seen. Can Vince McMahon be that great? Well, he did help produce two children, but he's a human with a functional organ. Morphoplex doesn't even have a set of Simon & Garfunkels.

Unfortunately, Morphoplex can only impregnate one lucky man, but who is it? TNA is no stranger to this fellow. I know that for sure.

Surprisingly, Morphoplex will mate with Dusty Rhodes. He will be pregnant, or may have already been pregnant, for approximately 121 months. Congratulations to the both of them.

[I'm a fan of Dusty Rhodes because he reminds me of an inebriated uncle at a petting zoo. Get your mind around that.]

Fact 8: Makes Raven's angst disappear through baking.

What about him? What about Raven? Well, he has a secret. It is the key to his depression and grim state of mind. Morphoplex may not be an expert in human emotion, but it knows food. After all, food is Morphoplex's enemy.

So, what about him? What about Raven? Well, Raven loves one thing and one thing only...

Bundt. Cake.

[Bundt cake is pretty tempting to me as well. I compare Bundt cake to a girl I knew in high school who was fairly good looking. She took a liking to me because I had the one thing no other guy in school had -- a time portal. Her infatuation ceased when she found out the farthest I could go back was only 1979.]

Truly, Morphoplex can make a Bundt cake so tasty (and healthy) that it could change a human's outlook on life. How do I know this is to be true? Morphoplex made me a cinnamon bun once... and now I'm somehow Jewish.

[Yeah, my real name is Stephen Goldstein. Quit all that narrischkeit, you schlub.]

I'm sure there are doubters towards these weight loss pills' skills. You'd think that Morphoplex would have to bake a pretty good Bundt cake to get Raven's seal of approval. IT CAN. To say anything more would be a disservice to its talent.

Do you know why Raven knows all those complicated words and phrases that play a significant part in his promos? In actuality, Raven believes that dictionaries
are the only thing that carry the same consistency and density as the perfect Bundt cake, so he eats them out of spite and naturally learns about language. Although, that's partly why he has so much anger. "Raven ate a Webster's! That's not meant for digestion! I DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!" Mike Tenay would say.

[I mention Mike Tenay too much, but it's out of love. Hearing him commentate is like watching a fawn try to stay upright. "You can do it. You're almost there. Whoa, that's too upright. Alright, I get it. Enough already."]

Just watch. One day, you'll see the sloppy, old Raven spewing phrases about dark issues like death and arts & crafts. The next day, he'll be eating Bundt cake as a new man. "Quote the Raven. I'd like some more."

How haunting.

Fact 9: Signed Vince McMahon to a 20-year deal, just so it could be entertained by him competing in the X-Division.

Vince McMahon might be the best thing to happen in the wrestling business, but with the snap of Morhoplex's non-existent fingers, he can be so much more.

In the biggest signing ever, Morphoplex will convince Vince McMahon to leave the company he built from his bare ass (w/ tricks) and sign with the hottest wrestling organization in this hemisphere. What will become of his beloved WWE? Triple H and Triple Steph will take over, and everything will be right in the world. "Let's bring in the Geico lizard and put him over Shelton Benjamin." Why, that's the bee's knees, good sir and ma'am.

The "twisting-Jamaican-double-flip-senton-frontsault-into-your-mom's-house '06" will become the finishing move of the ages. Five years from the now, in the very distant future, Vincent Kennedy McMahon will be remembered for inventing the aforementioned maneuver. Although, they won't name it after him. Why? Isn't it obvious that only Vince McMahon could create such an amazing move? That's what I thought.

[In my fake backyard wrestling league called the WWW (World Wrestling World), I invented moves from different locations of the world. I had the Serbian and Montenegron Sidekick, the Norwegian Suplex, and the U.S.S.Armbar. I just invented the last one a few minutes ago when I was looking at an old map. I'm great.]

McMahon will end up a TNA legend. I can see it now in my crystal ball. During Ultimate X #85, Vince McMahon will walk along the cables like a tightrope walker, then grab the large red "X". The only difference is that he won't unhook it. Instead, he'll trademark that very letter and nobody will be able to use it ever again. Next, everyone will cheer and hand him their wallets and only children, just because he's so damn wonderful.

Anyway, I feel really bad about Vince McMahon holding claim to the letter X. I'm sorry that you will cease to exist, adult themed film. I regret to inform you that YYY will take your place in the movie rating system.

[There's something perverted about the letter Y I can't put my finger on... probably because I'd get a disease if I tried to put my finger there. If you think about it, the letter Y looks like an upside-down woman spreading her legs. Why is she doing that? Because she's stretching. That's friggin' disgusting.]

Fact 10: Morphoplex. Will. Not. Die.

We all know the never-ending saga of fans accusing Lita of being the Mary-Poppins-handbag of professional wrestling ("Who or what else do you have 'in there', Lita? So, there was of course Matt Hardy... and Edge... and... let me see here. What the hell? A lampshade? That's just gross, Amy.") The difference between a Morphoplex and a Matt Hardy is fairly simple. Matt Hardy moves backwards in life, but Morphoplex moves forward. Edge moves diagonally and I have no idea why. I'm guessing he's itchy.

[Weird RAW recollection coming at you. When Matt Hardy told Edge that he hoped he would die in a car crash, I didn't know what to think. If he only hoped Edge would die in a car crash, would Matt be disappointed if Edge didn't die that way? Now that I think of it, that's not a satisfying threat at all.

You see, I can hope to own a unicorn, but I would be simply expressing my desire to have one. I wouldn't expect to receive a unicorn anytime soon, but I'd be entertaining the idea. I bet I could play ring toss on the unicorn's horn and stuff. Good times. So, what Matt should have said to strengthen his character and motivation was the following: "Edge, when you die in a car crash, you will have a Viking funeral, except you will be placed on a slab of wood instead of a boat. There will be no compromise on this. Oh yeah... instead of a river of water, your carcass will float on a river of acid." See, that's mean AND decisive.]

Morphoplex will not die. If TNA cheated on Morphoplex with another fat burning solution, Morphoplex wouldn't go on the internet and post emotional, heartfelt, and angry journal entries on www.THEMorphoplex.com. It would suck it up and post emotional, heartfelt, and promotional journal entries:

TNA is TN-NAY

TNA screwed me. I still love her, but it will be hard to forgive her. On the plus side, I lost ten pounds in one week due to the power of me.

[Deep down, I think I'm not a fan of Mike Tenay; I never realized how much I mentioned him in a negative manner. In another life, I'm sure Mike Tenay went to the bathroom in my cereal or something like that. Though, I guess that's understandable since I was eating "Toilet Duck" cereal at the time.]

-Morphoplex Version 1.0

The Power of Morphoplex Summary:
-Morphoplex will help TNA crush WWE
-Morphoplex is your father
-Morphoplex will love again
-Morphoplex is the Morhoplexiest thing you will ever encounter
-One glorious day, the Lord came down upon the heavens, then said unto his people "Morphoplex". The civilians rejoiced and ran through the dirt streets, spreading the good word to the other villagers. Post haste, they started adding Morphoplex to their drinking water and food supply. They even hung bottles of Morphoplex in their homes to ward off demonic spirits. It worked well for a while, until there was a problem. People were becoming very ill. The elders and small children of the village were as sickly as can be. So, the civilians marched down to the square, pleading to the sky for an answer. "Why have you forsaken us?" they asked. After much prayer, The Lord descended once again. He was then handed a heavenly bottle that contained the source of all that was pure and holy in the natural world. The Lord was astonished. He looked at the label and tasted the contents. "Whoops. These are Tic Tacs," he proclaimed. They responded with a collective, disappointed sigh. (Moral of the Story: Morphoplex is still great. Tic Tacs are harmful to your health...and throw like a girl.)

[I used to write Biblical stories with absurd endings. They would mostly end in the villagers receiving a turkey sandwich or a plunger from the heavens when they asked for lunchy sustenance or an unclogged shower drain. One of my stories involved Moses parting the Red Sea by popping a Mentos. In conclusion, I am a profilic writer who makes million of dollars per piece of literature. I possess a great personality and I am also incredibly attractive in a physical sense to many beautiful women with childbearing hips.]

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 6th

Survivor Series Elimination Match
Beavis & Butt-head, Tom Anderson, Daria, and Mr. Van Driessen vs. Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox, and Gregory Helms

You give me a roll of TP for my bunghole...

Aw why? Don't know, huh
Survivor Series of Pain
What's that?
Survivor Series (boing yoing yoing)
Randy you know what I'm talking about
Survivor Series of Pain
Oh yeah it's Survivor Series time
Edge looks like Matthew Lillard's love child
But it's just a Painful Survivor Series
Step right up cause I said "butt"

Your love is like a Survivor Series baby, baby
I will survive

The Question
Who wins and how?

Wrestling Chant Inventions

In the year 2000... and a bit, I have noticed the need for a wrestling chant revolution. All the chant entities you hear today are played out and cliché. Therefore, I propose the following chants for your enjoyment and entertainment. Perhaps, wrestling fans may take these catchy phrases with them to live events and make them infinitely famous. I know I am but one man, but with the addition and support of others, I will have enough influence in wrestling to become a massive man who towers over skyscrapers and nearby cities. How will I do this? I'll mostly scotch tape all of us together, then give everyone a bullhorn so we can really be intimidating.

Anyway, here they are:

"Ri-bo-fla-vin, *clap-clap, clap-clap-clap*, Ri-bo-fla-vin, *clap-clap, clap-clap-clap*"

Bran cereals are hardcore. They competed in Extreme Championship Wrestling from 1996 to 1999. All-Bran even stole girlfriend and had a child with your mother... and got away with it. You won't admit it, but it's true. True and sure as sugar.

"Holy piss!"

Why should excrement be the only sacred, human-waste-related object in wrestling? When our God (Kevin Federline) invented Earth, I think he wanted the human race to worship more than one form of bodily cleansing. Therefore, "Number One", also known as urine, should be given priority over "Number Three", which refers to sneezing, and "Number Twenty-Seven", which hasn't been invented yet. If I had to guess, it would either be plasma or nougat.

"Let's get married, *clap-clap, clap-clap-clap*, you're quite enchanting, *clap-clap, clap-clap-clap*"

You know when a scantily clad Diva, or a female wrestler, looks very physically appealing and you can't take your eyes off of her? You know that uncomfortable feeling you get in your enchanted kingdom when there's a very sultry, women's bra and panties bout or pillow fight match on television? Don't those sights just make you want to settle down and start a family? I firmly believe that the integration of catfights into professional wrestling was for the purpose of determining what woman should bare your children. Of course, the winner of the battle would be your most ideal mate since her victory would prove that she is most willing to fight for social status, food, and other necessary supplies. Whatever you do, refrain from choosing the loser for she will be high-maintenance and have the shortest fingernails, therefore making the process of opening cans of various drinks incredibly tiresome.

"STARFISH... BERG! STARFISH... BERG!"

I've always believed that this is what Goldberg was thinking during his grandiose entrances into the arena. Just as the pyro goes off and he uppercuts the air, he seemed to have a surreal, out-of-body experience which suggested his underlying wishes to live in the ocean. For example, I distinctly recall his first WCW World Title victory over Hollywood Hogan. Right after that win, he poured a jug of water on himself and spread his entire body out on the canvas in the middle of the ring; that was when I realized that part of his anger and aggression came from the fact that he's bald and of Jewish faith. Instead, he probably wanted to exist as a being who sporadically shows up on the shore and best befriends Spongebob Squarepants. When he returns to wrestling, watch his eyes. He wants to be a starfish more than anything in the world. The "Starfishberg" gimmick should debut soon after.

"You f*** cups! You f*** cups!"

Hardly anyone will understand it when it's first introduced, but when disposable and plastic cups are confirmed as masculine by both the French language and the Association of Dudes Who are Strangely Comfortable Showering with Each Other, it will become one of the greatest insults in the industry. Not one wrestler will screw up a move or sequence ever again. I don't blame them beacuse if they do, they will forever be singled out as the guy who has relations with temporary drinking apparatuses that are also males.

"That's-a good-a pizza pie!"

This is a chant not only complimentary to those of the Italian persuasion, but the inventor of pizza too... good ol' Nathaniel Pizza. Sure, you may think the chant is silly now, but you'll be in for a surprise when WWE introduces a wrestler with a Pizza Hut gimmick. His weapon? Those miniature, white tables you get with a large pepperoni. Recently, I hit an enemy of mine with one of those tables. In about five years, he's in for some type of discomfort.

"Lita is a hooooooooooooo(mebody)!"

WWE fans all around this here globe are aware of the fact that Lita enjoys many a "Sky Captain" in her "World of Tomorrow". I was just as amazed as you when I found out that she wasn't the purest of the pure. In fact, when I first heard the news, I said to myself, "Wow, that's amazing. My reaction is one of great amazement." In the professional world of wrestling, I am always shocked and appalled when I gain knowledge of seedy doings within the confines of the business. "This is a gentleman's sport," I say with gusto while I spread fine caviar on my Lunchables snack pack crackers.

Truthfully, I don't want to hear who dabbled with whom in the thorny thicket of pleasure. Wrestling insiders should tell me something useful about a personality instead. For example, just the other day, an unnamed source told me that Lita does not like to go out very much. When it comes down to it, she'd rather stay at home on a Saturday night and read a good book than partake in the excitement of wild weekend parties. She's a homebody and the world has to be aware of the fact; now, that's something to ridicule her about. Forget about that Edge stuff. So, she likes to stay indoors? Jinkies. What an indoor whore.

"(Let's get ready to) cross stitch!"

Those lovable old scamps Triple H and Shawn Michaels collectively reference their crotchal and stomachal areas with swift, chopped, mirrored hand movements in reaction to adversaries they deem as inferior or flawed. If you want to be like D-Generation X and join in on their shenanigans, that's fine, but there are better alternatives out there to show your rebellion. Fans can prove their anti-authoritative nature by taking out their sewing equipment to embroider nasty sayings on neckerchiefs as gifts for hated relatives and friends. In my opinion, the ultimate diss one human being can shell out to another is the gift of well-crafted, foul-mouthed neck garments.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 5th

The answer to last week's Squared Circle of Fortune:

My Name is Finlay and I Love to Fence

WWE's resident Irish guy Finlay loves to fight, but he has a secret obsession: fencing. In lieu of a shillelagh, Finlay is known to hit his opponents in the back of the head with the sharp edge of a rapier. Unfortunately, that means that they do not get up. Furthermore, The Little Bastard is not big enough to use a rapier so he must use those plastic toothpicks in the shape of a sword. Together, they are as unstoppable as a middle-aged guy with a pointy, steel weapon and a vertically challenged leprechaun with colourful floss substitutes can be.

*****

Survivor Series Elimination Match
World Tag Team Champions Ric Flair and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Sgt. Slaughter, and "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes w/ Arn Anderson vs. *NSYNC w/ Justin Timberlake

Bye Bye
Don't wanna have to beat old men
We're cool kids versus lame legends
You may boo us but it ain't no lie
Grandpa, bye, bye, bye...
Bye Bye
Don't really wanna slam them hard
I'd rather help them with their bingo cards
B-I-N-G-Old guy, it ain't no lie,
Grandpa, bye, bye, bye

I'm giving up to the Figure Four
We don't wanna be the cause of their arthritis no more
Bye Bye
I'm tappin' out
I'm layin' back
Not gonna be the victor, we might accidentally kill them

Don't wanna have to give them meds
We'll let them rest in orthopedic beds
We're leavin' them to live
Bye, bye, bye...

The Question:
Who wins and how?

Performance Enchancer

Steroid allegations are running rampant as I speak. Athletes are accusing other athletes of fooling around with syringe mistresses. Wrestlers are accusing other wrestlers of using the juice. Performance enhancing drugs opens a concaved gateway to cheating and lies. I hate each and every individual who uses steroids because they are taking the convenient escalator to success instead of the stairs.

Before crazy rumours surface about Stephen Rivera cheating the system of sport, or Stephen Rivera stripping naked in public before sliding along the World's Largest Crocodile Mile, let me assure the galaxy that I have never taken steroids. In reality, steroids have been given to me. While I have sprinkled some on various vegetarian pizzas, I have not willingly possessed them. You see, one day my friend said, "Hey, try this cereal." In her grasp, she had a bowl of what appeared to be Cheerios, except the cereal bits were solid, white, and round. Without hesitation, she put a spoon to my mouth and fed me. I thought it was tasty, but I did not enjoy it. That is not voluntary.

I don't know why wrestlers feel the need to take performance enhancing drugs, creams, and lotions. It won't get them farther up the card; it won't put them above other performers in appearance. Just because somebody is three thousand or so pounds of musclish tone does not mean he is worthy to be champion. Many people claim that Vince McMahon is a hypocrite because he uses steroids, yet is critical of others who do the same. While that is all well and good in Happy Time Land, Vince McMahon doesn't count. You think the chairman of WWE needs to better himself synthetically? All he does is hire people who work out his body parts for him while he sits there Vince McMahoning. How ignorant of you to think otherwise.

As far as I know, sports entertainers can easily achieve a ripped appearance just by working out their triceps and forceps and eating old WWF ice cream bars (the toughness of the expired bars strengthens jaw and face muscles via consistent chewing). Take a look at a guy like Brian Kendrick and you'll see that he chooses not to obey my directions. Kenrick is a gigantic mastodon of power, his physique made possible by the discoveries of modern science. While I'm sure casual fans believe Spanky is the bee's knees, in my world, bees don't have knees. Instead, they have contempt for people who use steroids.

Although I am confident I will never test positive for any banned substances ever, I defend any accusations with the following reasons:

Fact 1: I had a fever, and the only prescription was more steroids.

Fact 2: I married into a family who were half Spanish, half steroids.

Fact 3: During the Y2K scare, news reports suggested to stock up on water and canned goods in case of a drastic emergency. I foresaw even greater adversity, so I gathered a team of scientists to create a combatant force to save the world. Surprisingly, they created the super steroid: a steroid pill the size of Antarctica. With this substance implanted into my system, I planned to punch UFOs out of the atmosphere if aliens ever tried to conquer earth, but luckily I never had to use my ability.

Fact 4: I won a small town raffle. I did not know the first prize was steroids. I wanted to win the second prize, which was a heart-shaped throw pillow with Ahmed Johnson's face on it. Man, that would have been sweet.

Fact 5: I stood next to a bodybuilder in an elevator once. He coughed, then I breathed in his cough. Now I test positive for a lot of things.

Fact 6: I was playing rock, paper, scissors. I drew rock; my opponent drew steroids. Steroids cover rock.

Fact 7: I went to church and instead of a wafer of bread, the priest gave me a wafer of steroids. Holy crap.

Fact 8: I watched Test wrestled once. Involuntarily, my eyes took steroids.

Fact 9: During the 2006 Diva Search, I tried to vote for the lovely JT Tinney because I thought that since she had several children, she would be the perfect candidate to be on the road for over 300 days of the year while wearing very little clothing for 299 days of the year. The Miz told me to text in my diva for the number to win 2.5 dollars every other week, but I accidentally pressed the wrong key on the number pad of my state-of-the-art, blocky, grey cell phone. What number did I press? The "Take Steroids Now" button.

Fact 10: I tried to order Cyber Sunday on my cable box, but my remote control was malfunctioning. While I did end up watching the event, it was billed to me thrice. When I received my cable bill, it was made of 50% recycled paper and 50% steroids. I don't have a waste container, or a garbage disposal, so I voted unanimously to eat the bill.

Fact 11: I thought the video game I was playing was called Asteroids.

Fact 12: My dog ate the urine sample I was supposed to submit. Yes, I know liquid can only be drank, but my dog freezed it first. Can I get an extension?

Fact 13: My body naturally produces pills and syringes filled with steroids. When I hold in a sneeze, I accidentally ingest and inject said steroids. Whose fault is that? The concept of the human body's.

Fact 14: I'm holding these steroids in my body for a friend. He should be back from my washroom, with the large window, overlooking the Mexican border, in the vicinity of an international airport, in a few minutes.

Fact 15: I was watching a movie in 3-D. There was in a scene in which a guy who looked a lot like me took a bunch of steroids and threw them at the audience. One of them probably went in my mouth, but I had my eyes closed at the time... and I have no feeling in my mouth.

Fact 16: I didn't have any grey poupon.

Fact 17: Mine ears doth hear a twitter? You say I have consumed a drug of the performance enhancing kind, old chap? Sorry, I do not speak English.

Fact 18: In France, they called it Le Steroid. I don't speak French either. Bonsoir.

Fact 19: "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner is alive on this planet, just like me. In our lifetimes up until this point, I must have touched a penny somewhere that he has also touched.

Fact 20: How can you say I took steroids when I'm just about to take them now? Oh, burn. I so showed you.

Squared Circle of Fortune: I Rish

The answer to last week's puzzle:


Triple H likes Crest

It is widely known in the internet "dirt sheets" (pieces of paper that hold the secrets of professional wrestling, but also dirt) that Triple H uses Crest products to keep his pearly whites pearly and white. Four out of five dentists agree that Hunter loves Crest toothpaste; they are also aware of his inconceivable hatred for Colgate.

=====

Can you solve this week's puzzlezation?

Entrance Theme Interpretations / The Obscure Joys of Pro Wrestling #1

Once again, if you have an article of mine that you want covered in an upcoming edition of The Swerved, feel free to comment on this column, or send over an e-mail. Thanks.

-Stephen
*****

Almost-Article 1: Entrance Theme Interpretations

[According to my watch that goes backwards, I began to write this in August 2005. This was intended to be a series, as I planned to interpret a few themes each edition. TNA's Michael Shane/Matt Bentley/Maverick Matt/Not Shawn Michaels was not supposed to be my first interpretation, but here it is anyway.

In the future, I may use the idea for actual articles, but until the world of wrestling stops putting out those mean, squiggly guitar riffs, those articles will probably have to look like this:

Theme Song: The Miz
Singer: Guitar
Genre: Guitar

Squeeeeeeeeuw (Squeeeeeuw)
Bah-nah-bah-nuh (Bah-nah-bah-NAH)]

I have recently started to watch TNA and while the wrestling is quite solid and entertaining, I am particularly interested with the company's choice of entrance music for their roster. I do believe that most sound generic, but there are a few masterpieces contained within that must be spoken for. What's so intriguing about these songs is that they are both simplistic and elaborate at the same time. They're almost like a puzzle you have to piece together in your mind.

Today, I provide my interpretation of some Total Nonstop Action wrestling themes. If you wish to listen these and other works, visit the official TNA website. If that cannot be done, have a friend or loved one sing them to you... into your ear... ever so softly.

Note: These may not contain the actual lyrics.

Theme Song: Matt Bentley
Singer: Angry Guy Eating Marbles
Genre: Alternative-Rock

Opening Music Sequence
1)Record spinning
2) Rock guitar
3) Rock guitar pause
4) More rock guitar

Come on, get hot
(Let's proceed, have some hot chocolate.)
Jack's a Jill, it's no lie
(This man has female genitalia; I'm being serious here.)
They give me die
(I have received two dice.)
Nocturnal
(I am like a bat.)
Heal me soul
(Provide me fruitful nutrients in my deep, dark batcave.)
Come on
(We should continue.)

Hi hey
(Hello, how do you do?/Hey, how's it going?)
For me
(I would like the following to be pointed in my direction...)
More cheese
(Cheddar or mozarella to the previously mentioned destination, please.)

(Rock guitar)

Come on
(If you aren't in agreement with me now, I don't know what to say to you.)
Get high
(You may or may not have a marijuana cigarette, but I don't condone it either way.)
Work the lime which I decline
(While I am appreciate that you have given me citrusy sustenance, I must politely set it aside for I am more an orange person.)
It's my time
(I am the owner of a large grandfather clock and you cannot have it.)
Ride the ride
(Enter the transportation apparatus and initiate motion.)
Heal machine
(This device is Wolverine on four wheels.)
Come on
(We are about to move further.)
My tang
(The present of powdered drink mix is the best gift an astronaut can ever give another human being.)
Come on
(Let me reiterate that we are about to move further.)

Hi hey
(Konichiwa/aloha to you and yours.)
Okay
(That is perfectly fine.)
For me
(Also, it is acceptable to my standards.)

=====

Almost-Article 2: The Obscure Joys of Pro Wrestling #1

[If you didn't know by the title, this was also supposed to be the first in a series. When I was a columnist for The Armpit, I didn't exactly plan what I was going to write about. When I write (anything really), I find that it's better to wait until ideas spontaneously pop up, rather than force my way through. If I had tried to force my ideas, my columns would have been half letters and half numbers, with scribblings of stick people in between.

I had and still have no clear agenda with my articles. I guess that is a good thing, looking back on my all of my work. If any readers out there have migrated to this blog from Armpit Wrestling, I'm curious to know what articles of mine, were your favourite. During my just-over-a-year tenure there, I recieved about twenty e-mails in total from readers, so trust me when I say that I would find the responses most interesting.

Anyway, the article's title says it all. There are no unanswered questions... unlike Full House. Did Michelle ever recover from that horse-riding accident or what? Somebody needs to tell me. Suckas gots ta know.]

Joy 1: The Dude Love Entrance Theme and Video

Ooh. Hah, hah, hah. Duuuuuuude love (dude love baby). Duuuuuuuude love. Duuuuuuuuude love. Dahuuuuuude luuuuuuh-uh-uv. I can't remember how many times I grooved to this song. Probably 17. Look at him tap his feet. Look at him with his crazy legs. He is the epitome of greatness. My heros are as follows: God, Dude Love, and Dude Love taking off then putting on his sunglasses with glee.

Joy 2: Ken Shamrock Being Insane

It was amusing to me that he screamed a lot, with even greater effect when he applied the ankle lock. I bet back then, if someone gave him an ice cream cone on-camera, he'd scream at that too. "AHHHHHHHH! VANILLA!" he'd say as officials try to pry him off from the cone.

By the by, at 'In Your House 34: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ken', Ice Cream Cone versus Ken Shamrock resulted in a DCOR.

Joy 3: Hunter Hearst Helmsley Has Equestrian Tights

Triple H wasn't always a guy who wasted bottled water in his entrance. In the long, long ago, he had those tights with a different coloured patch in the middle. I thought that was unique, plus his music was tingy and marvelous. I dare any readers out there to make a sign that says, "HHH is a horserider". Nobody will get it, but you will have earned my hand in marriage. Will it be worth it? Totally.

Joy 4: Ahmed Johnson Looks Like A Chocolate, Marble Counter

I never thought Ahmed looked real to me. Growing up, he had a uncanny sheen that did not appear human. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Of course, a lot of people have, but were the aliens shiny? Yeah, well, that's Ahmed to me.

Joy 5: Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992

Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992. What's the deal with airline food, peanuts, hot and cold showers, the French, soup, sandwiches, and WHATAMANEUVER?

Joy 6: "Macho Man" Randy Savage sounds like Chris Farley in his promo for Wrestlemania 3

Ooh yeah... van down by the river Ricky Steamboat. I watched an old video of Randy Savage with a floppy hat and suspenders. On the tape, he spoke like a scared old guy going through reverse puberty -- a process in which your voice changes from low back to high. Why am I saying this? I'll never be able to bring up my theory of reverse puberty in conversation ever again. Let me have my day in the sun.

Joy 7: Chavo Guerrero, Jr.'s Entrance Music Remix in WCW

This was the last one Chavo used, which was originally Eddie's entrance theme (this time with additions to it). One of the things that brings me great sadness is that I don't have this song in my possession. I will get it though. Mark my words. If my name isn't Kerwin White, I will damn it.

Joy 8: The nWo B-Team Theme

This was a song that didn't suggest so much a pimpy takeover of a wrestling company, but more like a lazy Sunday afternoon riding on a children's motorycle.

It was more upbeat, but it still had those great nWo voices still in there: D-D-D-D-D-Do you want fries with that? It was pretty unremarkable compared to the official nWo A-Team song, but it was good times. I remember Buff Bagwell and Vincent used to use this one a lot. I was a big fan of the Vincent gimmick -- him being a guy named Vincent. Don't tell me he wasn't popular as all you need to do is count how many times he main evented WCW WorldWide. I've been told he charges money for autographs now at conventions. That's a shame since I actually pay people to take my autograph. I need to get in on that.

Squared Circle of Fortune

Can you solve "Da Puzz"?


Note: Letters can be used again because this is the freakin' Squared Circle of Fortune, pally.

It's the Great DX, Edge and Orton

Edge and Randy Orton believe in a strange hybrid of Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Oprah named: The Great DX.
Former WWE Champion Edge believes that the Great Pumpkin will emerge from the pumpkin patch on Halloween night and deliver Pedigrees and Sweet Chin Musicals to all the true believing competitors. Of course, Randy must take the blunt of it because no one sees any harm in making him lose all the time. Together, they actually want to be in the patch when the courageous givers of ass kickings rise from the earth.

October 31st is circled on all of the calendars, marking the night of Halloween for Edge and Orton. Lita gets on-screen boyfriend Edge to carry her home, but Edge decides that she is too disease-ridden to hold with two bare hands, so he uses a Hazmat suit. While the other wrestlers are busy preferring to have sexual relations with roosters with hilarious results, Edge is penning his annual letter to the Great DX:


Lita is obviously concerned about her boyfriend, who is ridiculed by internet savvy wrestling fans for putting his dingle where Matt Hardy used to dangle. Edge patiently explains the amazingness of the Great DX to Randy Orton, but he dismisses Orton's uncertainty as a matter of Randy's overly decorative t-shirt clouding his conscience.

Every year, Edge returns to the most "In This Very" pumpkin patch he can find...

Edge: "Here we are, Jonathan Coachman, standing in the patch waiting for the Great DX. Every Halloween the Great DX rises from the patch with wreckless abandon, and just think, if you and I stand here all night, we may get pantsed by them!"

Edge walks up to Coachman with a look of glee.

Edge: "I really appreciate your standing out here with me, Coach. I must admit, however, that I've been wondering why you're wearing a full body wet suit?"
Jonathan Coachman: "There are certain times when you prefer not to have your posterior shown on national television for disappointing comedic effect!"

One year, The R Rated Superstar persuades Lita to ditch her first year of trick-or-treating and keep vigil in the pumpkin patch with the pseudo-love of her life. As the other wrestlers go trick-or-treating, Randy Orton is found wearing his famous smug a-hole costume, which has 190 a-holes instead of the traditional 94. As the wrestlers count their haul of RAW Energy Drinks and Stacker 2 pills, Randy Orton sifts through his bag of goodies.


Randy Orton says: "I got hand lotion."

After trick-or-treating is over, the WWE superstars, minus Edge and Lita, gather for the rest of the evening for a televised Halloween party that will most likely end in a amusing food fight that's only mildly entertaining because the camera angles are so quick, the viewer can't tell what the hell is taking place. The highlight of the party is when Stephanie McMahon goes bobbing for apples and brings up an apple with "The Macho Man" Randy Savage on the other end of it.

After being lectured by Stephanie about "Slim Jim germs", Savage decides to go out on patrol searching for the Orange Goblin. As the heroic fighter pilot lurks through the tropical tundra of Miami (actually his own mind), he struggles to find his way through the mess. Surprisingly, he ends up all the way in the pumpkin patch.

Savage stands up off of the patch and beings to spin around in a circle, twirling his finger in the air. Edge, thinking the Great DX has finally arrived, peers into the patch with a toothy grin. Lita is fairly angered when she finds out that she spent the whole night in a patch, missing out on the party and lewd insults, only to witness an old guy that for some reason released a rap album.

Lita: "I was robbed! I spent the whole night waiting for the Great DX when I could have been out giving and receiving! Halloween is over and I missed it! You horse face! You kept me up all night waiting for the Great DX and all that came was a geriatric!"

Lita continues to yell at Edge.

Lita: "I didn't get a chance to put on a witch costume with the top cut so low, you could see my cooter! It's all your fault! I'll sue! What a fool I was! I could have had sex celebrations a-go-go! I could have got my swerve on with a Frankenstein lawn ornament, but no! I had to follow you. You horse face. What a fool I was. Trick or treats only come once a year, and I miss it by standing in a pumpkin with a horse face. I want reparations, Sexton Hardcastle!"

Randy Orton meets Edge in the patch. They discuss what has just occurred.

Edge: "You've heard about the fury of a woman scorned?"
Randy Orton: "Yeah, sure."
Edge: "Well, that's nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of sexy time."

As Edge and Orton leave the patch together, a familiar theme plays over the loudspeakers of nature. The thumping tune is mashed together with on-screen graphics of a green X, an exploding bridge, and the ill-conceived X-shaped bridge which lead both lanes of traffic into the water; Lita turns around to see the sight.

Suddenly, Shawn Michaels and Triple H attack them and constantly tell the Halloween audience that Edge and Orton are gay and are gay with each other and other gays who gay it up with the gays when the gay is gay. Their careers are never the same, but more gay.

This Halloween in Halloween Questions of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the team of Edge and Randy Orton, collectively known as the brilliantly named Rated RKO, will be dressing up as Hall & Oates this Halloween?

A: I can't go for that, no-ah-oh (no). No can do.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 4th

Mr. Belvedere vs. Undertaker

Mr. Belvedere
...
...
...
...
...
BELVEDERE.

Veteran in eyeliner, made him look like a girl,
but who cared?
When he signaled for the chokeslam
His foes tried to escape,
mighty scared.

But sometimes rings get turned around
and Taker's dared.
All fans look out below,
Belvedere is ready to go.
Gonna love all the pain
he dishes out.

According to his wrestling moveset,
his finish is a capture suplex.
We just might see a good fight yet.

The Question:
Who wins and how?

The Power of Morphoplex: Part 1

This article was originally posted in December 2005. It was a dark and stormy month in which dinosaurs overtook cities and fought gigantic butterflies amongst flimsy backdrops. Do you remember that time? I do. Morphoplex may not be associated with the wrestling world anymore, but tomorrow is a new beginning. Once again, if there is a particular article of mine from The Armpit website that you want me to revisit, feel free to leave a comment or send over an e-mail.

-Stephen

*****

[The Chief Financial Officer of Morphoplex replied to the second part of this article. He was trying to be complimentative and insulting at the same time. If he thought I was trying to badmouth the company's product, he completely missed the point. If you have been following my articles for any significant length of time, you should know I avoid the obvious, or the expected; in fact, the title of this blog reflects that. For me to be scathing for the sake of being scathing is not in my nature. If you saw Morphoplex commercials on TNA programming several eons ago, you will understand why I decided to write about them. I don't know if he felt attacked or what, but it's too bad his reply was underhanded, because now I'll have to find another supplement to meet my needs as a bodybuilding writer.]

Maybe I'm the only one who notices this, but did you know that, on weekly installments of TNA Impact, they advertise this product called Morphoplex? Apparently, it's supposed to burn fat, but the moment it was mentioned, I was not convinced.

[Today, Morphoplex does not sponsor Total Non-Stop Action wrestling. Is it for the better? As of now, let's just say Samoa Joe's body mass index is questionable at best.]

The following visuals came into my mind when I first heard of the term "Morphoplex":

-A Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger (preferably the green one) executing a German suplex
-Morpheus from the Matrix Trilogy offering up spacious, but expensive duplex housing.
-The metamorphosis of Lex Luger from a muscular professional wrestler to a wolf that, for some reason, works at a factory that produces bubble wrap and packing peanuts (Basically, this could be a sitcom. If I wrote it, I'd title it "Wolfpacked").

[Wolfpacked is filmed in front of a live studio audience. We'll be "pack" after these messages.]

Upon extensive research of this supplement, I have learned that Morphoplex is one of the best inventions human beings have ever created. Is it the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well, sliced bread is a sorry excuse for regular bread anyway, so yes. How about the motorized car? Can an automobile make you lose weight and feel great? Actually, yes and no. If the car is made entirely out of Morphoplex capsules, the answer is a resounding hells yeah. If it's made out of normal car parts, then forget it.

[One of my dreams is to own a car that's entirely made of thick, corrugative cardboard. Those baseball bats which made a futuristic, echoing sound when you hit something would be its axles, and the tires would be various sizes of cheese wheels. In the road of life, there are passengers, and then there are people like me... rolling down the street in my crazy ass box-cheese-bat convertible.]

In this installment, I will explain the undeniable strengths of this amazing health product. Morphoplex has no weaknesses, since one of the benefits of taking Morphoplex that it forces the human mind to change its entire composition so it does not comprehend the meaning of "weakness".

The Power of Morphoplex

Fact 1: Can change Larry Zbyszko's last name to Nabisco just for fun.

Morphoplex is a strong, but laid back product. Therefore, it doesn't feel that it is necessary to put the Z's in Larry's last name in the right places. Honestly, it doesn't care about the name Zbyszko at all. "Larry who? What's that last part say? He must've made that up. I bet he was eating alphabet soup one day, and he ended up eating all the good letters accidentally. So, he just concocted a last name with what he had left," says Morphoplex. I don't know how it does it, but Morphoplex can indeed speak English. In fact, Morphoplex speech is incredibly eloquent for something that doesn't live or breath and has no vocal chords.

[Larry Zbyszko plays golf. I play mini-golf. Hence, I am better than The Living Legend. I never hit the windmill, Larry.]

Don't ask me why Morphoplex wishes to change The Living Legend's name to Larry Nabisco. All I know is that 1) it's awesome and 2) it can't get any more awesomer. Possibly, this means that TNA and Nabisco can finally work together in the wrestling/delicious snack collaboration of the century. How about, instead of TNA Bound for Glory, we get to watch TNA Chips Ahory? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Lame? Don't worry, I'll go ask Morphoplex for a better name...

How about TNA Against All Oreos? Yeah, it's official -- I'm five years old.

[I wrote this article about a year ago, so happy sixth birthday to me. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I can't wait to go to Chuck E. Cheese with my first grade class, then see The Marine with a legal parental guardian.]

Fact 2: Leaves Traci Brooks' pants uncomfortably saggy.

With Morphoplex, TNA's own Traci says she can barely keep her pants on. I'm not positive, but I assume that's political commentary about our inability as a people to maintain peace within our borders. These "pants" represent our guarded nature to accept what's new and beneficial, but also mysterious, to our society. "Traci" saying she can "barely keep them on" means that... "she" must have "the sex"... "a lot".

[LOLOMGWTFNCAA @ Traci's implied promiscuity. In real life, I use the "hand quotes" gesture quite often. At first, I didn't even know I was using hand quotes; I just like to exercise my middle and index fingers while I talk.]

If Morphoplex was human, it'd probably be in jail for making Traci and several other women lose their pants privileges (although, it's not, so it's okay). If I knew Morphoplex could effortlessly take girls' pants off, I would have asked the Lord to give me an average appearance, instead of the ridiculously attractive one I currently possess. That way, I could live the mediocre life that I've always wanted. Somebody once told me that hard work can get you anything. Who was that individual? It was ECW, and it was terrible advice. Why? Well, where is ECW now? I am aware that ECW is not an actual person, but if it was, I bet it'd be really ugly and smell like a gymbag from... ancient Egypt. Yes, there were gymbags back then. I read in a book once that King Tut liked to play lacrosse, so that's another fact.

[In case you were wondering, I do have egg on my face for that ECW comment. ECW is alive and well under WWE's umbrella. To tell you the truth, I'm pleasantly surprised that the ECW of today is a quality product that produces a pretty entertaining hour of television each and every week. Yes, it's still ugly and smells like a gymbag, but this time, it's pre-taped and masked by Smackdown's Fall potpourri.]

Fact 3: Has the ability to defeat Jeff Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title 27+ times in a span of a month.

It's proven that Morphoplex is so powerful, that if it were released by WWE today, it'd sign with TNA soon after and defeat Jarrett for the NWA Title. It'd do this a lot. Sometimes, it'd win it about ten times in one edition of Impact (just to put it out there, I could do that, but I don't feel like it). "HE WON THE TITLE AGAIN! I’M SHOUTING!" Mike Tenay would say.

[Mike Tenay shouts. Don West shouts. What are they shouting about? I don't know exactly, but I bet they're repeating what a wrestler has just said:

Sting: I'm coming for you, Jarrett!
Mike: He's coming for you, Jarrett!
Don: Sting is coming for Jeff Jarrett and this is news to everyone!
TNA Audience: That man right there is Sting! That other guy is Jeff Jarrett! The former is coming for the latter! I am verbally expressing my excitement!]

Morphoplex's mortal enemies are Kings of Mountains, followed by Princes of Peninsulas and Mayors of McDonaldlands. Jeff Jarrett is perfectly okay with being hated since Morphoplex gives TNA money. "I ain't sayin' he's a gold digger", but Jeff likes to keep the number two promotion in North America afloat. That way, talented performers can make a living and feed their families. What is my response? Whatever, man. All I know is that a certain someone I know sells "selfish" by the sea shore. Some dude named Jeff Jarrett bought the entire supply.

[Yeah, who do I have to powerbomb to get some selfish around dem dere parts?]

Fact 4: Will make TNA Impact defeat WWE RAW with a 15.7 rating on Christmas Day.


Santa Claus and Vince McMahon are no match for the sleek sexiness of weight loss pills in a bottle. Several of TNA's admirers expect Spike TV to change Impact's timeslot to Monday nights. I assure the readers that this will happen (thanks to Morphoplex). For those that remember the Monday Night Wars between the former WWF and WCW, or the Friday Night Wars I had trying to decide whether to go out and expose myself to fresh air or stay inside and watch Boy Meets World, this would be the second installment. Morphoplex is like the Mr. Feeny to TNA's Cory Matthews. WWE would most likely be... Minkus. I just confused the entire world with that comparison, but you should know your Boy Meets World. I'm thinking of becoming a teacher, just so I can teach a class based on why Vader was so cool on that show. It’s time, Mr. Matthews. Vader Time, I presume.

[According to my televisionistic memory, Vader played Frankie Stechino's father on Boy Meets World. Frankie Stechino now plays Randy on My Name is Earl. What am I trying to say here? Vader makes careers via mere association. What happened to Ben Savage? Well, Vader is one for two there, but cut him some slack. He's just one man. He may look like two if you see him from a distance, but that's one guy.]

With Morphoplex, of course Impact would convincingly defeat RAW, even on December 25th. If you refer back to the story of the birth of Jesus Christ, you will see that The IV Wisemen (I want to say Ric Flair, Steve McMichael, Dean Malenko, and Chris Benoit with Arn Anderson, but I might be wrong) gave him gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a slimmer and trimmer Don West. I’m sure this is an animated special somewhere.
Also, take a look at the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"...

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 TNA Impacts
11 TNA Impacts
10 TNA Impacts
9 TNA Impacts
8 TNA Impacts
7 TNA Impacts
6 TNA Impacts
5 Cases of Morphoplex
4 TNA Impacts
3 TNA Impacts
2 TNA Impacts and a
Charismatic Enigma in a Fat Burning Tree

[What a wonderful parody of jingle bells I did. I'm like a jolly gold Saint Rickolas right here. Merry Halloween.]

Fact 5: Lowers gas prices to FREE.

To my understanding, George W. Bush is from Texas. That state has some tea, which is black and bubbly. I'm not from this America people speak of, but I'm sure there's still a little more there. When you're out of peanut butter, you look at the bottom of the lid. Once there, you get more peanut butter; the kind of peanut butter that is unexpected, yet welcome. Apparently, on this planet, we can't do that. The public's mindset has transformed into "Gas prices are too high! That's a lot of money to fill up the tank. When will cars run on Sunny Delight? Cause I have a ton of that at home, always next to the purple stuff." Gas prices just got higher after uttering that sentence aloud.

[I neither like nor dislike George W. Bush. In a match with Al Gore or John Kerry, Bush would win both times because he's the only person in either match I know for sure exists as an actual human being. Now, I assume a robot could beat him, but is that even plausible? Sure, a robot could become a good worker, but who the hell would agree to train it? A cyborg?]

So, what can be done? Once again, Morphoplex is the solution. By adding Morphoplex to your gasoline, it automatically becomes free. As you pull away from the station, with attendants screaming and cussing at you to pay for the damn gas, just say Morphoplex. If they don't nod their head and look up at the sky approvingly, they are aliens. Throw bottles of Morphoplex at them and their heads will explode.

In addition, George W. Bush will automatically be given an unprecedented 3rd term as United States President if he grasps the concept of Morphoplex. Republicans only asked for Smackdown vs. Raw 2006, but I'm sure they will still be happy. By the way, I heard Republicans are against the usage of Playstation 2's analog sticks as it reminds them of man parts. The Democrats just told me that maybe the Republicans actually like that it reminds them of man parts. Surely, this will be the #1 issue of the 2008 election.

[I'd rather be an Aristocat than a Republican or Democrat. As an Aristocat, I could live the good life as a cat. Take that, conservative and liberal individuals.]

Next Week: Elaboration on the power of Morphoplex. Also, send this article to 27 of your closest friends and your crush will fall in love with you.

[If you haven't done this by now, pick a number. Do you have it? Good. Your answer is the number of years you will have bad luck. I hope you have fun falling off of cliffs, running into sharp things, and combing Umaga's unruly hair.]

This Morphoplex in Morphoplex Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Morphoplex: Ultimate Fat Burner, a sponsor of TNA, is actually Darth Vader... who is Anakin Skywalker... who is your father?

A: Wait, that can't be. That's from a movie, isn't it? Hold on... my mother said that she spent the night with a motion picture once. On second thought, it was a series of motion pictures. Uh oh.

[Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But, Senator Palpatine said...]