Once again, if you have an article of mine that you want covered in an upcoming edition of The Swerved, feel free to comment on this column, or send over an e-mail. Thanks.
-Stephen
Almost-Article 1: Entrance Theme Interpretations
[According to my watch that goes backwards, I began to write this in August 2005. This was intended to be a series, as I planned to interpret a few themes each edition. TNA's Michael Shane/Matt Bentley/Maverick Matt/Not Shawn Michaels was not supposed to be my first interpretation, but here it is anyway.
In the future, I may use the idea for actual articles, but until the world of wrestling stops putting out those mean, squiggly guitar riffs, those articles will probably have to look like this:
Theme Song: The Miz
Singer: Guitar
Genre: Guitar
Squeeeeeeeeuw (Squeeeeeuw)
Bah-nah-bah-nuh (Bah-nah-bah-NAH)]
I have recently started to watch TNA and while the wrestling is quite solid and entertaining, I am particularly interested with the company's choice of entrance music for their roster. I do believe that most sound generic, but there are a few masterpieces contained within that must be spoken for. What's so intriguing about these songs is that they are both simplistic and elaborate at the same time. They're almost like a puzzle you have to piece together in your mind.
Today, I provide my interpretation of some Total Nonstop Action wrestling themes. If you wish to listen these and other works, visit the official TNA website. If that cannot be done, have a friend or loved one sing them to you... into your ear... ever so softly.
Note: These may not contain the actual lyrics.
Theme Song: Matt Bentley
Singer: Angry Guy Eating Marbles
Genre: Alternative-Rock
Opening Music Sequence
1)Record spinning
2) Rock guitar
3) Rock guitar pause
4) More rock guitar
Come on, get hot
(Let's proceed, have some hot chocolate.)
Jack's a Jill, it's no lie
(This man has female genitalia; I'm being serious here.)
They give me die
(I have received two dice.)
Nocturnal
(I am like a bat.)
Heal me soul
(Provide me fruitful nutrients in my deep, dark batcave.)
Come on
(We should continue.)
Hi hey
(Hello, how do you do?/Hey, how's it going?)
For me
(I would like the following to be pointed in my direction...)
More cheese
(Cheddar or mozarella to the previously mentioned destination, please.)
(Rock guitar)
Come on
(If you aren't in agreement with me now, I don't know what to say to you.)
Get high
(You may or may not have a marijuana cigarette, but I don't condone it either way.)
Work the lime which I decline
(While I am appreciate that you have given me citrusy sustenance, I must politely set it aside for I am more an orange person.)
It's my time
(I am the owner of a large grandfather clock and you cannot have it.)
Ride the ride
(Enter the transportation apparatus and initiate motion.)
Heal machine
(This device is Wolverine on four wheels.)
Come on
(We are about to move further.)
My tang
(The present of powdered drink mix is the best gift an astronaut can ever give another human being.)
Come on
(Let me reiterate that we are about to move further.)
Hi hey
(Konichiwa/aloha to you and yours.)
Okay
(That is perfectly fine.)
For me
(Also, it is acceptable to my standards.)
=====
Almost-Article 2: The Obscure Joys of Pro Wrestling #1
Almost-Article 2: The Obscure Joys of Pro Wrestling #1
[If you didn't know by the title, this was also supposed to be the first in a series. When I was a columnist for The Armpit, I didn't exactly plan what I was going to write about. When I write (anything really), I find that it's better to wait until ideas spontaneously pop up, rather than force my way through. If I had tried to force my ideas, my columns would have been half letters and half numbers, with scribblings of stick people in between.
I had and still have no clear agenda with my articles. I guess that is a good thing, looking back on my all of my work. If any readers out there have migrated to this blog from Armpit Wrestling, I'm curious to know what articles of mine, were your favourite. During my just-over-a-year tenure there, I recieved about twenty e-mails in total from readers, so trust me when I say that I would find the responses most interesting.
Anyway, the article's title says it all. There are no unanswered questions... unlike Full House. Did Michelle ever recover from that horse-riding accident or what? Somebody needs to tell me. Suckas gots ta know.]
Joy 1: The Dude Love Entrance Theme and Video
Ooh. Hah, hah, hah. Duuuuuuude love (dude love baby). Duuuuuuuude love. Duuuuuuuuude love. Dahuuuuuude luuuuuuh-uh-uv. I can't remember how many times I grooved to this song. Probably 17. Look at him tap his feet. Look at him with his crazy legs. He is the epitome of greatness. My heros are as follows: God, Dude Love, and Dude Love taking off then putting on his sunglasses with glee.
Joy 2: Ken Shamrock Being Insane
It was amusing to me that he screamed a lot, with even greater effect when he applied the ankle lock. I bet back then, if someone gave him an ice cream cone on-camera, he'd scream at that too. "AHHHHHHHH! VANILLA!" he'd say as officials try to pry him off from the cone.
By the by, at 'In Your House 34: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ken', Ice Cream Cone versus Ken Shamrock resulted in a DCOR.
Joy 3: Hunter Hearst Helmsley Has Equestrian Tights
Triple H wasn't always a guy who wasted bottled water in his entrance. In the long, long ago, he had those tights with a different coloured patch in the middle. I thought that was unique, plus his music was tingy and marvelous. I dare any readers out there to make a sign that says, "HHH is a horserider". Nobody will get it, but you will have earned my hand in marriage. Will it be worth it? Totally.
Joy 4: Ahmed Johnson Looks Like A Chocolate, Marble Counter
I never thought Ahmed looked real to me. Growing up, he had a uncanny sheen that did not appear human. Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Of course, a lot of people have, but were the aliens shiny? Yeah, well, that's Ahmed to me.
Joy 5: Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992
Vince McMahon sounds like Jerry Seinfeld at Summerslam 1992. What's the deal with airline food, peanuts, hot and cold showers, the French, soup, sandwiches, and WHATAMANEUVER?
Joy 6: "Macho Man" Randy Savage sounds like Chris Farley in his promo for Wrestlemania 3
Ooh yeah... van down by the river Ricky Steamboat. I watched an old video of Randy Savage with a floppy hat and suspenders. On the tape, he spoke like a scared old guy going through reverse puberty -- a process in which your voice changes from low back to high. Why am I saying this? I'll never be able to bring up my theory of reverse puberty in conversation ever again. Let me have my day in the sun.
Joy 7: Chavo Guerrero, Jr.'s Entrance Music Remix in WCW
This was the last one Chavo used, which was originally Eddie's entrance theme (this time with additions to it). One of the things that brings me great sadness is that I don't have this song in my possession. I will get it though. Mark my words. If my name isn't Kerwin White, I will damn it.
Joy 8: The nWo B-Team Theme
This was a song that didn't suggest so much a pimpy takeover of a wrestling company, but more like a lazy Sunday afternoon riding on a children's motorycle.
It was more upbeat, but it still had those great nWo voices still in there: D-D-D-D-D-Do you want fries with that? It was pretty unremarkable compared to the official nWo A-Team song, but it was good times. I remember Buff Bagwell and Vincent used to use this one a lot. I was a big fan of the Vincent gimmick -- him being a guy named Vincent. Don't tell me he wasn't popular as all you need to do is count how many times he main evented WCW WorldWide. I've been told he charges money for autographs now at conventions. That's a shame since I actually pay people to take my autograph. I need to get in on that.
No comments:
Post a Comment