Wrestling personalities are not perfect. When it comes down to it, wrestlers are just regular people trying to make an unorthodox living in this crazy world. They somersault out of bed like the rest of us, and put their pants on one arm at a time, like a lot of us. In lieu of a toothbrush, they will not brush their teeth with gold doubloons akin to the habits of the wealthy. Instead, they will construct their own toothbrush out of a small twig and a collection of stray cat hairs. While these beings may be dubbed Superstars by such wrestling companies as World Wrestling Entertainment, these wrestlers have many a flaw.
Although there are negatives to each and every one of them, they carry positive traits as well. Do you want to find out the good and bad of the sports entertainers of the day? Of course you do, but I'm tired. I'm going to my bungalow. I'll be back soon.
Just kidding. I don't have a bungalow. See, if I was featured on the following list, my lack of a bungalow would go in the 'CON' pile. Understand? You learn something new every day. You can thank me later, but for now, let's take a gander at this here list. Like the genius Shelton Benjamin says, prepare to be edgemaclated.
Carlito (RAW)
Carlito has been with Maria, Trish Stratus, and Torrie Wilson. What kind of list is he trying to complete here? Is it some kind of perverted version of Victoria's list?
+ Hair defies gravity.
+ 20 side-revolutions in suspension per leap into air.
+ Strong velocity of saliva.
- Has never tried oranges.
- Cracks backs (part-time, unlicensed chiropractor).
- Strong dislike for people who are warm.
Rob Van Dam (ECW)
Mr. Monday Night became Mr. Thursday Night, then Mr. Monday Night again before transforming into Mr. Tuesday Night. How indecisive of him. I bet that's why there is no Mrs. Monday/Thursday/Tuesday night, at least in storyline.
+ Educated legs have just received their Masters degree.
+ Does not use chairs in the conventional way.
+ Could point his thumbs to others, but chooses to point to himself.
- Posterior sweat.
- Enemy is oregano.
- Wears airbrushed Long Johns in the winter.
Michael Cole (Smackdown)
Michael Cole... to the skull.
+ Is a human.
+ Clearly aware of objects in front of him, such as a large desk.
+ Uses mouth to speak.
- Not this way! Not this way! Damnit!
- Oh my!
- Uses mouth to speak.
Paul Heyman (ECW/Nothing)
Vince McMahon loves Paul Heyman so much, he sent him home early so Paul could get a head start on his Christmas/Hanukkah shopping. If Paul is reading this, Vince wants a suit, but an entirely new suit that has no relation to the more extreme suit you gave him many Christmases ago. Also, it should be nothing like the suit you presented to him at Suit's One Night Stand.
+ Magical skullet grants wishes aplenty for the unfortunate.
+ Has a backstage pass to the ECW logo apparently. I can't even get into that logo.
+ Gorilla suit doubles as 2000 era Albert/A-Train Halloween costume.
- Appeared in Rollerball.
- Discarded convenient luxury of a "Zack Morris" cellular phone.
- Lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the floor, lets the bodies hit the... floor.
Abyss (TNA)
To set the record straight, Abyss is not a ripoff of Kane, nor is he an inadequate copy of Mankind. Although, if you close one eye and squint the other, he's a dead ringer for a masked Rosie O'Donnell.
+ Popularized the Black Hole Slam, which is quite the infamous maneuvre in several male prisons.
+ Does not wear a mask to hide a disfigurement, but to smell some of that Febreeze air freshener he just sprayed on the mask's interior. It smells nice. When he wears the Febreeze mask, he's donning a constant reminder of why life is beautiful on his face.
+ Billed as 6'8", realistically 6'4", but actually 13 feet tall if you stack a fake Abyss on top of a real Abyss.
- Forever holds a broken chain as he tries desperately to find out who took his banana seat bicycle.
- Aggressive streak triggered by a manager who presses an imaginary button. Let me flick this imaginary switch here and see what happens. Oh crap. Abyss just started baking cupcakes. Ah man, they're vanilla.
- Hoards bags of thumbtacks, depriving bulletin boards of much needed life purpose.
Batista (Smackdown)
When Batista wears a suit, I think, "This guy is a superstar." When I watch him wrestle, I say "Hey, look at the guy in the front row with a cell phone in his hand. Is he saying hello to me? I don't think I know him. Wait, did I go to elementary school with that guy? Is that Bertram? Was it Bertram or Bernard? I know it's something with a B. Oh, now the man next to him is on the phone. Hold on, I think I saw that man in a restaurant once. I remember that he ate a lot of shrimp. Was it shrimp or crayfish? His haircut is familiar too. Oh, it was shrimp. That restaurant was good. Is he sporting a bowl cut?"
+ Invisible machine gun will come in handy in the upcoming battle against invisible zombies.
+ Shakes ropes to detect durability of ropes.
+ Has asthma, like other wild and scary animals who have respiratory problems.
- Named his finisher The Batista Bomb, which is the same move he utilizes when he has the runs.
- Has an abundance of shirts, but still wears a women's tanktop, popularized by such figures as Shawn Michaels and Shad from Cryme Tyme.
- Invisible machine gun no match for actual gun, let alone a Nerf gun.
The Boogeyman (Smackdown)
The Boogeyman was fired, but now he is hired. There goes WWE's acquisition of a billion oversized alarm clocks.
+ Uses only two moves so there is enough moves to go around for the other wrestlers during the holidays.
+ Singlehandedly supports the worm retail industry.
+ Wooden staff of smoke is great tribute to promiscuous girls everywhere who constantly smoke wooden staffs.
- Is, more often than not, coming to get me.
- Stole Darth Maul's makeup kit from his vanity cabinet.
- Absence of teeth encourages rude slurping at the dinner table.
Jim Cornette (TNA)
Mid-Southern accent about old-school wrestling and companies I've never heard of. Mid-Southern accent with passive-aggressive commentary about people he dislikes. Mid-Southern accent with big eyeglasses.
+ Amount of anger towards Vince Russo can be generated into electric power for the benefit of a large town or small city.
+ Could pose as my high school science teacher and get away with it. Sodium and chlorine makes Chlorium Soride. Thanks, Teach.
+ Tennis racket.
- Will not buy a cheeseburger with today's pricing because he refuses to forget the days when you could purchase a burger, a large drink, a basket of fries, and a moonpie with 1) half of a penny, or 2) the bartering of a pristine beaver pelt.
- Managed the Midnight Express, but not the Late Afternoon Express. I don't take kindly to those who have a grudge against 3:00 to 4:00pm PST/EST.
- No tennis balls.
Gregory Helms (Smackdown)
I don't blame Gregory Helms for his bad attitude. I would be mad too if I lost my mild-mannered reporting job at the Daily Globe. Where my dental benefits at, bitches?
+ Says his name at the beginning of his entrance theme to dispel rumours of his name change to Luscious Q. Rockefeller.
+ Cruiserweight Championship doubles as a backup hot plate when exposed to the hot sun for 10-15 minutes
+ Gregory is the ultimate wrestling name, followed by Voldemort.
- When dropping "The Hurricane" persona, refused to downgrade himself to "The Tropical Disturbance".
- Forever hurt the livelihood of the Hamburglar. Shoot. Hamburglar gots kids to feed.
- Shining Wizard has no connection to my idol -- The Shiny Wizard.
Kurt Angle (TNA)
If you are paying close enough attention, the Kurt Angle of the modern day sounds nothing like the Kurt Angle of the WWF from 1999 to 2000. I know battery acid is delicious, but why Kurt why?
+ If you think about it, participated in bouts likely to be found on anybody's Top 10 WWE Matches of All-Time List. For instance, Kurt Angle versus Maria was pretty spiffy.
+ "It's real, it's damn real!" is a good catchphrase because I was convinced it wasn't real at first, but when he aggressively said it was real a second time, I was more inclined to accept the notion in theory. I'd be also swayed if spoke to me in the nature of "Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny Mother****er!"
+ Every time he hurts his neck, an angel gets its wings. As of this moment, every angel in heaven has 8 pairs of wings.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Samoa Joe: Angle tries to fight off Joe, who believes Angle's Olympic gold medal is made out of chocolate.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Daniel Puder: Instead of a shootfight, Puder and Angle engage in a turned-based strategy battle. Angle will use Argon 4 Spell Casting with Xephor Knight Armor, while Puder will employ his Zumoron Staff of the Almighty with 120 Healing Potential. Wait for the hit, wait for the hit. Okay, it's your turn.
- Did not agree to my proposed angle with Kurt Angle:
Kurt must answer the question "Does Kurt Angle wrestle in the ring, or is the ring wrestling Kurt Angle?"
No comments:
Post a Comment