The Interviewerved: The Wrestling Professor

Welcome to what I hope to become a new and successful feature for this blog. You've seen interviews on numerous sites which tout great guests and insider information. Well, I have both, but in the opinion of the naysayers, I have none. To those naysayers I say this: nay to what you say. You see, my interview style is drastically different from everyone else's. My questions are so fascinating and in-depth that I truly believe I get down to the core of the interviewee, not unlike a kid trying to gain information from an owl while eating a Tootsie Pop. While this is but the first of many editions of my interview-counterview segment, I know for a fact that this is the beginning of something amazing. Take a snapshot of this inaugural article for this is a moment that will live in infamy. It's just like that time I saw The Undertaker throw Mankind off of the Hell in a Cell, or that time I saw Honey I Blew Up The Kid. Spoiler alert: that kid becomes way bigger than before.

If you or someone famous you know would like to participate in The Interviewerved, feel free to contact me. If you do become a fan of the segment but do not wish to be a part of a future edition, please spread the word. The more exposure the site receives, the more content the site will have. For the price of a cup of coffee per day, you can give The Swerved and its fellow villagers a clean source of drinking water and a proper education. Now, who wouldn't want that?

-Stephen

*****

"...it bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N' Beans"
-The Wrestling Professor on The Armpit Newsletter... and the digestive system of Goldust's father

The Wrestling Professor: Statistics
-Former owner/writer of WrestlingProfessor.com
-Former owner/writer of ArmpitWrestling.com
-When provoked, will fix many a wagon
-Finishing Move: quits, re-starts the site, quits again, re-starts again, and then quits again

10 Questions

#1: "The Wrestling Professor" is a moniker of great prestige, not unlike "The Ham Scientist". To the naked eye, one may misread the name as "Wrestling Professors", which would suggest that you wrestle liberal college professors, or that you are made up of a collection of professors stacked on top of each other to create one large sports entertainer, but to the fully-clothed eye, where does the name come from?

WP: Your first answer is much better than the real answer, because I’d love to beat up all the liberal college professors. Well, on second thought, I don’t even know what the real answer is because I’ve honestly forgotten why I chose that damn name. But I didn’t copy Mike Tenay, because who knew he was even called the Professor? Mike Tenay should instead be called the Most Patient Man on Earth. After all, the guy has to sit next to Don West all night and then put up with Vince Russo in booking meetings. The fact that he hasn’t snapped yet shows incredible restrain on his part. Me, I would’ve slapped the figure four on each of them and held on until their little chicken legs broke in half.

#2: The Armpit may be done, but the memories will last up to and including next week. What are some of your favourite moments from your monumental, influential, life-saving, wonderful, and curvaceous website?

WP: One thing I’ll miss is that one time I spent nearly $1,000 on starting the Armpit newsletter, and then it bombed worse than a blast from Dusty Rhodes after a night of Pork N’ Beans. Gosh, that was so much fun watching our hard earned money go down the garbage disposal as stacks and stacks of unread issues took up two-thirds of our 3-car garage.

Seriously, the only fun part was hearing from someone how our site made them laugh at work. That’s it. As you can certainly relate to, Mr. Rivera, we don’t get paid for this. Instead, we have to take satisfaction from doing what we love and knowing it affects somebody. Eventually, we then ask ourselves what the f*ck we’re doing, come to our senses, and just quit. Exhibit A: The Armpit.

#3: Life after The Armpit is tough; everyone associated with the website looked to be set for life. Sadly, the free bags of shredded cheese given to all columnists used to come to my door each and every month, but now only arrives once every two months. Today, what are you doing to keep yourself busy?

WP: First, the bags of shredded cheese will come less often. Second, the cheese will come solid, and you’ll have to shred it. Thirdly, we’ll send you milk that you have to process into cheese, and then shred. Finally, we’ll just send you cows to milk yourselves. After that, you’ll be lucky if we even keep your address.

Life without the Armpit has been great. It leaves more time to actually watch wrestling, and I no longer feel that self-induced pressure on Sunday nights to post the site and send out the quizzes. We’re remodeling our home and starting to enjoy life again. Aside from that, my new hobby is watching MMA. I never got that into it before, but I realize now that it’s more pro wrestling than pro wrestling is. For pro wrestling to be successful in 2007, it needs to start copying UFC.

#4: Let's get into the deep, dark crevices of your mind. Professional wrestling may be in incredible shape right now, what with the professional and the wrestling and what not, but what does it need to become a worldwide sensation once again?

a) The. Return of. Itchy Kidman.

WP: I think you’ll be seeing this in TNA soon. They’re already bringing back the Flock, and pretty soon Mr. Kidman will be without that salary from Ms. Wilson.

b) Wrestling angles which revolve around a murder mystery. The clues given consist of a sheet of sandpaper, a broken rubber band, and an exposed turnbuckle found on the crime scene.

WP: Wrestling copies CSI? Interesting idea, but bookers don’t have the ability anymore to make it intriguing.

c) Smackdown has The Fist. Therefore, on top of the RAW stage, there should be a gigantic steel kneecap. ECW on Sci-Fi should have a visual representation of a hangnail.

WP: TNA should one-up them and make enormous statues of cold sores.

d) Some kind of mind control device in which humans can be manipulated to confuse WWE with the UFC.

WP: Unless Dana White forms his own Kiss My Ass club, it ain’t happenin’.

#5: John Jacob Jingleheimer Holy Schmidt. What are some of your favourite and least favourite spots in wrestling? For instance, I personally enjoy it when a wrestler is so afraid of another wrestler that he/she tries to leave the ring, but cannot because the ring has somehow activated an invisible, inescapable force field.

WP: That spot always perplexed me too. Some other favorites of mine:

-A guy does a flying body press, and the victim stands there like an idiot for 30 seconds waiting for him. Logic says he’d just move out of the way, but there is no room for logic in wrestling.
-Ref bumps. After all these years, you’d figure promoters would always have at least one extra ref on hand to immediately jump in if one goes down.
-The Angle Slam. It’s just a light bump, and we’re supposed to believe it’s going to finish off Samoa Joe?
-Countouts, foreign objects, DQ’s, or any other false finish. Just so lame.
-Liquid falling from the top of the arena into the ring. Can you imagine this happening in UFC? Or football? Well, okay, unless it was the XFL.
-I better stop, or this list will go on forever.

#6: You are walking on the beach with Jesus Christ, yet you see a single set of footprints in the sand. Who is carrying whom in a match between yourself and the Lord? (Super Bonus Love Sex Angel Music Sex Question: How many stars would Dave Meltzer give your match?)

WP: I’d be carrying him, after knocking him out cold for cursing me with such small height, low weight, lack of muscle, and curly hair. I am blessed with a great wife and a great life, but that’s mostly due to luck and hard work, not the Lord.

Oh, and Meltzer wouldn’t rate it, because he doesn’t rate shoots.

#7: Recently, TNA has gained the services of arguably the most talented, gifted, and angry-and-red-while-sweating-and-shaking grappler in wrestling history -- Kurt Angle. Let's say Kurt Angle was a name createdand owned by World Wrestling Entertainment. What name would Kurt go under in Total Nonstop Action?

WP: Choices may include, but are not limited to:
- The Liar
- Kirk Angel
- Samoa Kurt
- Chuck Liddell’s Bitch
- Daniel Puder’s Punching Bag
- C*nt (who would team with Spike Dudley in the incredible tag team known as Runt & C*nt)
- Kurt Angel (pronounced “On-Hell,” pretending to be Latino and the newest member of LAX)
- The Suppository (forming a new group called Ex-LAX, to feud with LAX)
- False (he’d team with Truth (Ron Killings), and hand out True/False quizzes before each match)
- Kurt Jarrett (to ensure a push)
- Kurt Roode (to ensure a burial)
- G.H. Styles (which stands for “Growth Hormone” Styles, and he’d team with A.J. Styles, which will stand for “Anabolic Juice” Styles)
- K-Kurt (named after K-Fed, the hottest heel in wrestling)

#8: According to weekly television, WWE Live Events are amazing. People in lines scream a lot, wrestlers often hug grabby crowds, foreign fans have signs with a wrestler's name on them, but most of all, arena lighting consists of half of a candle and a dying glowstick. What is the worst experience you've had at a wrestling event?

WP: Anytime you’re almost burned to death, it’s a bad experience. I’m referring to the ECW Arena event in November of 1995 in which Terry Funk caught on fire. As Mick Foley tried to put him out, the fire spread to my section of the building. Everyone bolted for the exit, not knowing if Funk was dead or alive. I wrote about this extensively in one of my columns on the site, and you can read about it more in Mick Foley’s first book. Just a nightmare.

#9: The prices of gasoline and peppermint candies in our current society are as ridiculous as ever. Hollywood movie star and former WWE superstar Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson often referred to Stephanie McMahon as a two dollar floozy. In hindsight, was that actually a great bargain?

WP: Absolutely. If you paid $250 million for Stephanie, it’s still a bargain because you’d be keeping her away from the creative department. In her role as head of creative, she has cost the company far, far more than $250 million.

#10: For the curious reader out there (only one exists), what do you really think of The Swerved with Stephen Rivera? In particular, is there anything you'd like to see that hasn't been seen yet?

WP: I love it and consider it a travesty it’s not one of the top 5 viewed wrestling sites out there. Seriously. Everyone needs to spread the word, because The Swerved is comedic brilliance and a hidden gem. The only thing I’d like to see is for it to be a smashing success.

This Week in Wrestling Professor Questions of the Week:

Q: Did you know that The Wrestling Professor, creator of Armpitwrestling.com, is notoriously Fergalicious on Tuesdays and Sundays?

A: Does he have a license to be that Fergalicious?