The next day, after I completed The Booker and rocketed myself into superstardom, the Disco Inferno and I came home. Back to where we started. It was the 22nd of September in that Swerved Nation. Somehow though, things were different. Our past was here, but our future was in a more attractive part of the nation with pleasant-smelling people. And I knew, sooner or later, we had to move on up to live in that other part of Swerved Nation -- the wealthy part.
It was the last September I ever spent as The Booker. The next week after becoming the best wrestling booker in all the world, I was on my way. So was Triple H. He left Stephanie McMahon and married Lemmy from Motorhead, of course; gave birth to three beautiful babies with Lemmy-inspired facial hair. He's still asking people to play his game. As for Vince McMahon, well, we patched things up. Hey, we were geniuses -- for better or worse. One for all, and all for one until the bitter end. I think Vince McMahon should suck a dozen eggs, though. The shell must be on those eggs beforehand.
Linda McMahon tried to get into my pants. I must say, I don't think I am ready for her jelly. I don't believe I was ever ready. I'm scared to undress in my bathroom now. Shane McMahon; he did well -- new booker, Chairman of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, wearer of non-threatening baseball jerseys with his nickname on them. Shane's wife, Marissa Mazolla-McMahon, stayed on to host an updated version of the defunct show Live Wire. Enthusiastic conversations with Michael Cole seemed to suit her. In fact, she adorned herself in a cream-coloured suit and Vandyck beard and took over as the new Michael Cole one month later... after Vince McMahon retired and I was not present to have a say in the matter. Disco Inferno left the promotion the next summer to study how Total Nonstop Action continues to exist in Orlando. Still, we never forgot our promise. We disco danced, separately, in rowdy nightclubs for the next fifteen years. I was there to meet him when he came home -- with my wife, my other wife, my mistress, my mistress' wife, and some naked lady whom I met at a Laundromat. From what I could see, she is at least eighteen years old.
Like I said on that Wednesday to some guy and that other guy, booking a wrestling promotion never turns out exactly the way you planned. Maturing as a professional wrestling analyst happens in a heartbeat. One day, you're writing for wrestling fans with no teeth. The next day, you're writing for millions of wrestling fans with at least four teeth between them, but the memories of fantasy booking stay with you for the long haul. I remember a location, an arena, a ringside area, like a lot of other ringside areas. A ring like a lot of other rings before an entranceway like a lot of other entranceways.
And the thing is, after all this time, I still look back, and book.
Refresher Notes: - World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. You cannot teach a old dog new tricks. On second thought, you can teach an old dog new tricks if you force the old dog out of power and replace him with an new dog who can disguise himself as the old dog. I can be insane like Vince McMahon. Hey, look. I'm in an onscreen affair with a Diva who admires me for my authoritative power. Take a picture because my ass will not be bare for much longer. - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is built from its own foundation. This promotion provides its audience with new and entertaining feuds, matches, angles, and segments. The Hell in a Cell is a square. The Elimination Chamber is a circle. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment gimmick matches occur in the steel confines of the dreaded dodecagon. I am told that this dodecagon is a dangerous structure. My creative team adds that the overhead view for this match will make it look as though the wrestlers are competing in steel tea biscuit. I cannot wait. - While one may notice a few similarities between World Wrestling Entertainment and Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, let me assure you that they are not identical. They are two, different worlds with opposite mindsets. World Wrestling Entertainment chooses sports entertainment over old-fashioned professional wrestling. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment chooses entertainment sports over old-fashioned professional wrestling. The promotions are not the same, nor will they ever be. - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment forbids its wrestlers from appearing on television for multiple brands. If you want to see Jillian Hall sing her collagen lips right off her face, you must watch RAW. If you care about the life of Jesse of Jesse and Festus fame, Smackdown is your destination. Finally, Mike Knox is a precious commodity. He is the essential part of a complete ECW breakfast. He sets in the East so the sun can rise in the West. He is a solid gold bar that has relations with a tank of gasoline. He defines Extreme Championship Wrestling. - Don't be afraid to gander at the archive section of this site for previous installments of The Booker. As we reach the final installment, do not forget about the past. We learn from the mistakes of yesterday and today to better ourselves for tomorrow. Luckily, I make no mistakes. I have learned nothing. - Each month installment of The Booker concludes with that month's Pay-Per-View. When you leave this nest, I hope you raise your little chickadees to realize that they will never be as successful as this five-part series.
***
SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr Pay-Per-View Card September 14, 2008 Presented by Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler: His ancestors used to ziggle for a living.
SWE Championship Match William Regal (c) vs. Triple H
World Heavyweight Championship Casket Match Umaga (c) vs. Undertaker
SWE Intercontinental Championship Cage Match Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE United States Championship Match MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Best-of-Seven Series for the SWE Tag Team Championship - Match 7: Ladder Match London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang
World Tag Team Championship Street Fight Match Cryme Tyme (c) vs. LAX
SWE Women's Championship Submission Match Natalya (c) vs. Mickie James
ECW Championship Match Samoa Joe (c) vs. AJ Styles
***
RAW
News: Former WWE Chairman Vince McMahon decides not to live forever and force words into announcers' mouths.
Vince McMahon does not have an actual job in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment (I like to keep him on the payroll because I appreciate his ability to have muscle and promote fitness), but I want to be the first to wish him the best of luck in his retirement. I hope his newfound free time will allow him to catch up on what is cool and hip with the kids these days. For Vince's information, the children like to dress themselves in what they call "clothes."
Television Results:
AUGUST 18, 2008
MATCH 1:
In a non-title match, Natalya defeats Candice Michelle with the Sharpshooter. Throughout the contest, Natalya taunts Mickie James by skipping around the ring. Truly, skipping is not only Mickie James' thing. Male wrestlers skip around the ring all the time. For instance, the Undertaker is a skipper when wrestling fans aren't looking. Whenever he rolls his eyes back in his head, he's thinking, "Oh man. I wish I was skipping right now." - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela continues to be your Lord and Saviour. He catches up with Natalya to get her thoughts on Mickie James, who has requested another shot at the belt. Natalya laughs at Korpela's generic question as if he was not your Lord and Saviour. Natalya tells Mickie that if she wants another shot at the title, she will give her one. As a final note, Natalya adds that this supposed match will be made under her rules, not Mickie’s. This idea does not sound promising. At the Pay-Per-View, I bet Natalya wears her father's beard, then forces Mickie to wear a Jim Neidhartian beard as well. The match will consist of the two competitors eating soup. The wrestler whose beard touches chicken broth first loses. - In a royal horse and carriage driven by Prince Paul Burchill, SWE Champion William Regal arrives to the arena. The horses run on carrots while the carriage runs on the magic of Disney. Regal takes the hand of Princess Katie Lea as she steps out of the carriage in a sparkling pink dress. Dang. I'm late for the sports entertainment prom. Where do I put my contract signing table that breaks if you breathe on it? - Back in the locker room, Chris Jericho seethes in the corner of the room, playing the Rey Mysterio win over and over again in his mind. With a Mysterio mask in his grasp, he rips it to shreds. He should have disguised himself as a small child in that mask. Then, when Rey Mysterio made his entrance and touched foreheads with him in an endearing but somewhat disturbing way, Jericho could destroy him. Like many children, I too dream of touching foreheads with my favourite wrestling superstar. Alas, Konnan is busy. He is bowdy bowdy from Mondays to Fridays, then rowdy rowdy on the weekends. - Homicide and Hernandez stand in a parking lot before a steel drum, burning Cryme Tyme merchandise in the glowing fire. Homicide wears a bandana over the bottom half of his face, sunglasses over his eyes, and another bandana over the top half of his face. Meanwhile, Hernandez is wearing one too many colourful ponchos. Together, they are the Latin American Ninja and Triple Juan Valdez. Tonight, Homicide looks forward to his one-on-one matchup against the battered JTG. He's not looking for an ambush, but a knock 'em, throw 'em out battle between real men. If JTG doesn't bring Shad, Homicide promises to not bring his boy Hernandez. Because Homicide is a noble thug, I shall believe him.
MATCH 2:
In singles action, Homicide from LAX defeats JTG from Cryme Tyme via interference from Hernandez. During the match, Homicide works over his opponent's exposed shin. When will JTG learn how to correctly wear pants? Never. In the final minute, Hernandez emerges from the crowd and executes the Border Toss behind the referee's back to give his partner the victory. Shad runs to the ring to even up the score, but LAX exit through the crowd. If I didn't know any better, I think these two noble thugs known as the Latin American Xchange are not noble at all. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews CM Punk about Mr. Kennedy's refusal to face him. At first, Punk vents his frustrations about an Intercontinental Champion who refuses to defend his belt, but assures Korpela that Kennedy will get what he deserves at the Pay-Per-View. When Korpela inquires about the Pay-Per-View matchup, Punk hushes him up. You do not speak to Jack Korpela like that, CM Punk. You bow to him, then you eat a Communion wafer. - John Cena wanders the backstage area as a defeated man. He searches for someone to inform him of his opponent. Once he turns the corner, he meets Mark Henry. The World's Strongest Man tells Another Man Who is Strong in This World that Cena's time in the spotlight is over. Henry can't wait to watch Cena rise to the bottom of the SWE ladder while he rises to the top. In response, Cena uses his training as an onscreen marine to survive the harsh climate of SWE. First, he drains a litre of water from Henry's beard to fill up his canteen. Next, he lifts Henry up and finds a bunch of grubs to eat.
MATCH 3:
John Cena defeats Henry with the F-U because Cena lifting up large dudes is never not entertaining. Henry toys with Cena in the match and attempts to flatten him with the World's Strongest Slam. Through the power of hustling, being loyal, and respecting the elderly, Cena gains a sixth wind and takes down the big man like a hefty bag of garbage. Like Mark, Big Daddy V is a hefty bag of garbage, though Mark is denser. Furthermore, portions of him are probably recyclable.
MATCH 4: MAIN EVENT
CM Punk and Rey Mysterio team up to defeat Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho with a combination of the 6-1-9 and the Go 2 Sleep from Punk to Jericho. An mad Jericho gets madder when his tag partner refuses to show up for the match. With the odds against him, Jericho isolates Mysterio and beats the mystery right out him. Rey's real last name is Gutierrez. He enjoys Flamenco dancing, corn dogs, and reality shows about supermodels who have anything but super, model lives. When an exhausted Mysterio tags Punk out of desperation, CM Punk beats the mystery into Chris Jericho. At one time, Chris Jericho wanted to break the walls down, but now he is trying to build a wall between us. Let us in, Chris. Let us into your world. - A celebratory ceremony commences for King William Regal and his loyal subjects. The trumpets blare, the jesters juggle, and attendees dance around the maypole. Run with those ribbons. Run like you have never ran with a ribbon before. An army of knights accompany King Regal, Prince Paul, and Princess Katie Lea to the ring. Let us dine on the legs of oily turkeys. William Regal poses with the SWE Championship around his waist and commands silence. Since wrestling crowds love dancing around maypoles, they do not want these fun festivities to end. Regal applauds Triple H for his valiant effort at last night's Pay-Per-View, but stresses that a true king stays a king. Sooner or later, Regal tells Hunter that he will have to acknowledge the fact that in the battle of good and evil, evil (Triple H) never triumphs. As a kind gesture, Regal offers Triple H a place in his kingdom and assures him that he can teach him how to be good. Right before the celebration continues, Hunter walks out and starts Pedigreeing everyone in sight. In the middle of a juggling act, Triple H Pedigrees the jester. Against a wall of knights, he Pedigrees them one by one. In reach of Regal, Hunter lunges at him. Prince Paul intervenes to knock Triple H out with a set of brass knuckles. This calls for a song of victory... on the lute.
AUGUST 25, 2008
- Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea. At the request of King Regal, the Princess promotes a main event matchup between Triple H and her brother. When Korpela looks to Prince Paul for a reply, Paul is unable to speak. Eventually, the Princess snaps her brother out of his trance. the Prince says that if King Regal wants a bloodbath, he shall get a bloodbath. I'm not a fan of bloodbaths. In my opinion, bloodbaths take too long and you end up wrinkly as you leave the tub. I love to take blood showers, though. You're in, you're out. Blood showers are convenient and refreshing. - The SWE Intercontinental Champion shows his intercontinental face for the first time in forever. Mr. Kennedy tiptoes around the backstage area on the lookout for CM Punk. He asks various members of the production crew about Punk's whereabouts while he clutches his championship belt to his chest. If I was Mr. Kennedy, I would be scared, too. Imagine that man as he haunts your dreams. I don't want a straight-edge drifter in my fantasies about Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders providing me with free legal advise at an arcade. Let my dreams be dreams.
MATCH 1:
A non-title match between Mr. Kennedy and Rey Mysterio concludes with a distraction from Chris Jericho. Rey Mysterio utilizes his lightning-quick, mysterious moves to take down his bigger opponent. In the unofficial tacky tattoo contest, Rey Mysterio gains an unofficial win over Mr. Kennedy for his half-necklace that is not a half-necklace. At least Ken Kennedy's red tribal blob on his back does not resemble a half-necklace. Jericho interferes in the bout by taking the 6-1-9 for Mysterio's opponent. Jericho’s sacrifice lets Mr. Kennedy take down an unsuspecting Mysterio with the Mic Check. When the referee hands Kennedy his title, he scurries out of the building. - The grey curtain is back for a promo with Cryme Tyme, the World Tag Team Champions. Shad and JTG inform Homicide and Hernandez that they would destroy a bunch of LAX merchandise, but they don't have any. Oh, snap (your fingers and or neck). Cryme Tyme believes that it is about time for a whooping. Shad challenges Hernandez to a match for next week's RAW. He puts his hand to his heart and promises that JTG will not be present. A man who appears to be JTG in a handlebar mustache may show up instead. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela returns to ask what Mickie thinks about Natalya’s recent comments. Mickie agrees to take on whatever Natalya has in store for her. Korpela mentions that Natalya has proposed a women’s Pay-Per-View match to end all women’s Pay-Per-View matches. While Mickie seems optimistic, she is not too confident when Korpela announces that Natalya has chosen to defend her title in a submission match at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Like Physiology, submission matches against Natalya "Ain't Too Furr" either. - King William Regal summons SWE Women's Champion Natalya to his skybox. he tells her that she will not have to wrestle this week. He encourages Natalya to rest up for her big Pay-Per-View match. Supposedly, Princess Katie Lea wants to put on her royal wrestling gear and battle with the other ladies. To appease her needs, Regal has placed the Princess in tonight's upcoming Divas tag match. A princess who wrestles is my second favourite type of princess. With that said, I do not want to reveal my first favourite. If I reveal my first favourite, you will read me like an open book. As a hint, my favourite type of princess deals with a valiant teenager who excuses himself in her company on a consistent basis.
MATCH 2:
Mickie James and Candice Michelle defeat Beth Phoenix and Princess Katie Lea when Mickie pins the Princess with a Mickie DDT. In terms of the Mickie DDT, Mickie is as creative at naming finishing moves as Batista and his bald head. During the match, Natalya provides commentary at ringside. This commentary consists of Natalya ensuring the audience that Mickie has no counter to the Sharpshooter. Although Mickie does not have a counter to the Sharpshooter, Natalya is not creative enough to call her finishing move the Natalyashooter. Hence, the match could go either way. - Mark Henry eats ten thousand salty pretzels for his beard water leaves him overhydrated. I thought Mark Henry was successful as Sexual Chocolate, but this "Sexual Salty Pretzel" persona should make him a megastar. For no reason, let's team him up with Tony Atlas. Henry enjoys his pretzels until John Cena confronts him and takes one of them. The time is not now to be stealing pretzels. Cena reminds Henry to watch last week's match to see who's really on the rise. Henry is more concerned about Cena's pretzel-stealing ways and gets in his face before SWE officials break up the pair.
MATCH 3:
Mark Henry transfers his anger for John Cena over to this match and annihilates Super Crazy with the World's Strongest Slam. On this night, the World's Strongest Man is stronger than ever. Then again, I may have seen stronger World's Strongest Slams before. Those sexual salty pretzels must be good for you. "It's sexual and salty, baby. And I'm going to give it all to you in a twisted, baked dough form. Yeah, right on, strange pretzel vendor."
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H topples the valiant Prince Paul with the Pedigree. At the top of the ramp, King Regal observes the match from his throne. Despite the loss, Prince Paul inflicts significant damage on Hunter's neck in preparation for future, neck-related punishment. From this match forward, thrilling roller coasters should give Hunter tremendous discomfort. - At ringside, Hunter shuts Princess Katie Lea up by locking her in the Pedigree position. King Regal saves the day and puts Hunter in the Regal Stretch. Princess Katie returns to her feet stomps on Triple H's skull for good measure. King Regal is my kind of king. I despise the kings who show up to your door with Whoppers on a silver platter. I'm a McDonald's guy.
Let me get this straight but not homosexual or bisexual: Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is profitable? A wrestling promotion is supposed to make money? I thought the purpose of running a wrestling promotion was to inadvertently will the dinosaurs back to life. Do I get my own pet stegosaurus or not? He's a power dinosaur. He digs his fungi.
SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
- CM Punk begins this episode of RAW with a special announcement for Mr. Kennedy. Unfortunately, the SWE Intercontinental Champion is nowhere in sight. Punk deems Kennedy's disappearance as worrisome yet expected. Punk reveals to the audience that at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr, Mr. Kennedy must defend his Intercontinental Championship. If he refuses to defend his belt in this match, CM Punk becomes the new champion by default. Punk takes a pause to build suspense, then tells the audience that he will face Mr. Kennedy in a cage match. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment cannot go old school and bring back the blue cage. Although, I plan to cover the steel cage in Smurfs. Is that fair? As he gloats about the match, a hooded man jumps into the ring and beats down Punk's lower body. With a steel chair in the man's hand, he gives brutal shots to Punk's knees and ankles. Punk screams in agony and tries to shield himself from further assault. The hooded man drops his weapon in an exaggerated manner. At segment’s end, Mr. Kennedy slams down his hood and raises his fists in the air. He is so intercontinental. Now, Punk will have to pull a Lieutenant Dan to climb the steel cage walls and win that match. This Pay-Per-View match is in the Pay-Per-View bag. - Santino Marella and Carlito approach Super Crazy, who is super but just a tad crazy thanks to Mark Henry and a cold. After all, fall is flu season, ladies and gentlemen. Santino and Carlito wonders how they can be super and crazy to make it in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Super Crazy invites them down to the Super Crazy Expo for a super and crazy time. Cue the promotional, cheesy 70s video with funky, out of tune music. Being super and crazy in this workaday world is not as hard as it seems. In fact, super and crazy people are all around you. Are you looking hard enough? This hummingbird looking for nectar is super and crazy. This scientist in a leisure suit is super and crazy. - Your Lord and Saviour interviews the Latin American Xchange. At the Pay-Per-View, Hernandez announces that LAX will take on Cryme Tyme in a Street Fight. I do not understand why street fights in wrestling occur in the ring when they should happen on the street, but I did not invent the street fight. One of my history books claim that Meriwether Street and William Fight came up with the match concept. Homicide says that the Latin American Xchange live on the street and will die on the street. I have two street urchins in my company? Sweet. This calls for Ramen Noodles. I don't have any Bud Light because beer is for the classless. I am not one of the classless. I stir Grey Poupon into a glass of Hawaiian Punch and drink it down with a sophisticated straw.
MATCH 1:
In a singles match of the behemoth members of Cryme Tyme and LAX, Hernandez defeats Shad with the CrackerJack. Since Shad is too big and uncoordinated to sell the move, he sort of flips over two inches off the ground and lays in a pile of sweaty largeness. Brooklyn, Brooklyn. Cryme Tyme and LAX go at it before a group of lower card wrestlers separate the teams. Robbie and Rory McAllister mean serious business. Hernandez offered me a CrackerJack once, though I thought he meant that he was going to give me a box of Cracker Jack -- the delectable, caramel-coated snack. I want the prize inside. I want that monkey riding a bicycle badge. I am not a successful wrestling promoter until I receive one. - A video appears to promote the Submission Match between challenger Mickie James and SWE Women's Champion Natalya at the Pay-Per-View. From this montage, we notice that Natalya wishes to break Mickie James' back. Conversely, Mickie James has a back made out of taffy. Her back will not break. Mickie James' back is the Ford Truck of human body sections -- long-lasting and dependable.
MATCH 2:
Mickie James defeats Princess Katie Lea via count out. Midway through the match, the Princess claims that the match is too hard. Plus, she thinks that Mickie James is cheating. She decides to quit and leaves with her tiara, scepter, and cotton candy pony. As the Princess walks up the ramp, Mickie turns her around and executes the Mickie DDT. The cotton candy pony is appalled. - This installment of Grey Curtain Promo Corner stars King William Regal and Prince Paul Burchill. Regal discusses what he desires to be his final encounter against Triple H at SWE Physiology Ain’t Too Furr. He is tired of Hunter's resilient attitude. He wonders why Triple H cannot admit that he has lost. Prince Paul tells Regal that SWE is full of people who cannot admit defeat, which proves to the Kingdom that they must be the ones to break their spirit. - John Cena suits up for the main event against King Regal's Kingdom. Actually, Cena does not suit up as much he makes sure you can see his boxers over his jean shorts. Can you see his boxers over his jean shorts? You can? His work is complete. Mark Henry storms into the locker room and demands to know who John Cena believes himself to be. In 2008, John Cena is John Cena with boxers that slightly peek over his jean shorts. Even though John Cena has a match tonight, he’s game for a rematch against Henry in the future. Wait, nobody looks forward to rematches against Henry. The notion that someone would look forward to a rematch against Mark Henry both disturbs and arouses me.
MATCH 3:
CM Punk submits to Chris Jericho's Walls of Jericho in a quick match. Jericho immediately bombards Punk's lower body with hold after hold until Punk can take no more. Punk -- the anti-hero -- tries to be the anti-hero-hero and squeak out of the match with a flash pin. In the end, Punk struggles to walk upright in a competent fashion and falls to the submission. He saves whatever mobility remains in the lower half of his body for the Pay-Per-View. By September 14th, I hope gifted engineers from MIT can lend him a pair of robotic legs. If he does not acquire robotic legs, Punk has to make use of those wheelchair cart for dogs. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Rey Mysterio. For your information, Rey never wears the same ring gear twice. He's the kind of wrestler who has an strong interest in fashion. He is the male equivalent to Maria. Rey Mysterio conveys his utter displeasure towards Mr. Kennedy and Chris Jericho. He reminds the audience that the feud between himself and Jericho began as a means to see who was the real star of RAW. Jericho's win against Punk has inspired Mysterio to prove to the world that he is the one who is RAW. Next week, Mysterio will face Jericho in the blowoff match. If RAW is Mysterio, the WWE Experience is The Swerved. The WWE Experience must be The Swerved. Five years ago, I would have taken Velocity, but times have changed.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Triple H and John Cena defeat William Regal and Prince Paul Burchill via disqualification when David Harry (DH) Smith makes his Swerved Wrestling Entertainment debut. Hunter foregoes his elaborate Motorhead entrance and pummels King Regal to start the match. They proceed to brawl around ringside in a violent fashion. When you despise another man, you do not hold onto the tag rope in hopes to chain-wrestle that man; rather, you forget that you are a professional wrestler by trying to end that man's life. Prince Paul attempts to protect the King of SWE from Hunter, but Cena interferes and pairs off with him. Hunter brings the steel steps into the ring and signals for the Pedigree on the king. At this time, David Harry Smith charges at Hunter from behind. With ease, DH picks Hunter up and plants him down with a running powerslam. Meanwhile, Regal and Burchill barrage Cena with lefts and rights. The show ends with DH bowing to King Regal and Prince Paul.
Thank goodness Stephanie McMahon will return from her ripped bicep injury in six months. Nobody stands around and does menial tasks quite like her. I was getting worried for she is an integral part of the Swerved Wrestling Entertainment family. Similar to her job in WWE, Stephanie does work for the SWE Creative Team. We tell Stephanie to talk to her children and ask them what is best for SWE. Their input is crucial to our success.
SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
- Chris Jericho stews in the locker room in his glittery boots. I wore glittery boots once. I decided to attend a Ultimate Fighting Championship event in Las Vegas, Nevada. Before I entered the facility, I took a wrong turn and fell down in the midst of a children's arts and crafts fair. I was fine. Plus, I was fabulous from the knee down.
MATCH 1:
In the final rematch between the two competitors, Rey Mysterio proves that he belongs on RAW by Dropping the Dime on Chris Jericho. Dropping dimes is a neglectful act in real life, but in professional wrestling, Rey Mysterio can drop all the dimes that he wants. The next time that Rey Mysterio drops a dime, pick it up. He drops so many dimes that if you picked up each dime, you would not have to work anymore. Chris Jericho tries to seriously injure Mysterio with the Lion Tamer version of the Walls of Jericho. Apparently, when Jericho digs his knee into your neck, the feeling is not pleasant. Mysterio escapes the hold by pushing off on his legs to propel Jericho to the middle rope. He gives him the 6-1-9, then connects the aforementioned dropping of the dime. For now, RAW is Mysterio. In a year, who knows? RAW could be anyone. For goodness sake, RAW could be Lance Cade whenever he learns that copious amounts of alcohol do not give him superpowers. Get out of rehab already, man. - King William Regal arrives for a ceremony to honour David Harry Smith. Somewhere in Heaven, the British Bulldog looks down on his son with a smile. Also, I assume that the British Bulldog is continuously Rock Bottoming himself into a tray of dog poop with joy. If I am incorrect in my assumption, I apologize. I have no idea how British people in Heaven celebrate. Accompanied by Prince Paul and Princess Katie Lea Burchill, David Harry Smith takes a royal walk down to the ring. Of course, the fans start their USA chants because you are never allowed to admire a professional who hails from a country other than America. If you are foreign, you are automatically the heel. If you are from the United States, you are automatically awesome and obese. Regal gloats about Smith's debut last week and informs the audience that his kingdom shall never fall with a man like David by his side. David Harry Smith takes the microphone and speaks about the legacy of his father. He mentions that the British Bulldog was one of the greatest power wrestlers in WWF history. He addresses Triple H and says that unlike The Game, dignity, loyalty, and strength runs through his veins. All that runs through my veins is blood. I was never meant to be royal. Woes me. As William appoints David Harry Smith as the Duke of RAW, Triple H appears on the Titantron to address the Kingdom. Hunter promises that the blood of royalty will run cold through the streets tonight. This RAW, Hunter will show David Harry Smith what it means to "Play the Game." Watch out, Duke Smith. Hunter is going to impregnate you. His seed wields a sledgehammer. Fo' sho'. - A video montage shows the bitter turf war between Cryme Tyme and LAX. I was not aware gang members could battle over steak. Lobster is just as tasty. From what I gather from the montage, RAW is not big enough to contain these two teams. Well, I don't think that I need to contain them. They're not leftovers. They are noble thugs, except Homicide and Hernandez. They just tease me with Cracker Jack. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela conducts a sit-down interview with SWE Intercontinental Champion Mr. Kennedy. In a serious tone, Jack asks why Mr. Kennedy viciously attacked CM Punk. Without blinking an eye, Kennedy replies that CM Punk does not understand the duties of an Intercontinental Champion. At first, Mr. Kennedy thought CM Punk was naive, but now, he knows that Punk is nothing but a punk. Well, his name is not CM Upstanding Citizen. When Ken learned that he had to face Punk at the Pay-Per-View in a cage, he wanted to send a message to his opponent: Ken Kennedy does not need to prove himself to anyone. If Punk wants to settle the score in a cage, Kennedy has made sure that Punk never walks out of that match on his own power. The moment that Punk made this bout a cage match, he created a prison. Ken states that Punk is nothing more than a prisoner in his own prison. This interview is nice, though he forgot to repeat his name into the overhead microphone. Mr. Kennedy calls his microphone Starla.
MATCH 2:
Super Crazy, Santino Marella, and Carlito get the victory over Hardcore Holly, Val Venis, and Jim Duggan. If this company was World Wrestling Entertainment, the team of Holly Venis and Duggan would be called "Hardcore Money Shot Ho." Because this company is SWE, Holly, Venis, and Duggan are known as "This Team is Sexual in Nature." Together, they embrace their sexual side, but only in nature where birds can see them make love to their female companions. I predict that the formidable trio of Crazy, Marella, and Carlito will be a hit. You have a Mexican, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican. I want to go to their potluck dinner and be super and crazy with them. - Backstage, WWE officials find Mickie face down on the concrete. She appears to be unconscious. Will Mickie James gain revenge on Natalya at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr? I'm not sure. Once again, physiology ain't too furr. Psychology is furr, though. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela shows up live to interview Mark Henry, the Sexual Salty Pretzel himself. In this upcoming match, Henry wants Cena to know that he's not afraid of his F-U. In comparison to the sight of a grotesque, fire-breathing monster, John Cena's F-U is like seeing a woodland nymph play "Hot Cross Buns" on the piccolo. You tell him, Mark Henry.
MATCH 3:
John Cena defeats Mark Henry with the STFU. In hindsight, Mark Henry was not ready to attend Stepover Toehold Facelock University. He had the grades, but not the motivation or discipline. In the future, Henry should consider starting out at a smaller, post-secondary intuition. I hear DDT Tech has openings. - To a loud chorus of boos, King Regal and his loyal allies take their seats in the skybox. Wrestling fans don't like it when wrestlers sit in the skybox. Wrestlers in the skybox reminds them of the time when WWF screwed up the WCW Invasion by having WCW invaders sit comfortably at a WWF event. I see you eating that guacamole dip with your finger, Mark Jindrak.
MATCH 4: Main Event
David Harry Smith, the new Duke of RAW, coaxes Triple H out for a one-on-one battle. Duke Smith glances up to the skybox suit where King Regal, Prince Paul, and Princess Katie reside. Once Hunter enters the ring, King Regal calls for Hunter's head. Duke Smith and Hunter throw down in an intense punch-and-kick fest. He lifts Hunter up for the running powerslam, but Hunter fights out of the move, shoves Duke Smith against the ropes, and nails him with the Pedigree. Regal and his kingdom stare down at Hunter with wide eyes. At show's end, Triple H grabs a sledgehammer out from under the ring and points it in Regal's direction. Foreshadowing, perhaps? How about “forehammering”?
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Triple H vs. William Regal: 90% Mr. Kennedy vs. CM Punk: 90% Mickie James vs. Natalya: 77% LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 83%
***
Smackdown
News: The Animal hates to be loved in cracker form.
Batista is fed up with Swerved Wrestling Entertainment because the company refuses pay for his bald haircuts. In SWE, you must have the Randy Orton crew cut. These are the haircut rules of professional wrestling, my bald, multiracial friend.
Television Results:
AUGUST 22, 2008
- In Vickie Guerrero's office, Edge places a frozen streak against the side of the face to sooth the facial pain inflicted by Montel Vontavious Porter's accidental Superkick. The SWE United States Champion asks the R-Rated Superstar what he can do to make things right. The Smackdown General Manager stresses that since La Familia helped him, Porter must help La Familia. Once Shawn Michaels is gone for good, MVP assures Edge and Vickie that he will do whatever he must to pay them back. He should've asked for my help. In return, I want his inflatable tunnel. - Maria, in clothes made by Maria, interviews Paul London and Brian Kendrick. London and Kendrick are not happy with their deficit in the Best-of-Seven SWE Tag Team Championship Series. Maria inquires about their strategy for Match #4, which is about to take place in a few moments. Paul London says that they will do what they do every night -- try to win. I thought he meant that they were going to have a pyjama party. I brought my Noxzema for nothing. - Backstage, The Great Khali and Jamie Noble play Rock Band. Naturally, Khali rocks the microphone. On the drums, Jamie Noble insists that they need a guitarist to complete the group. The Great Khali tells Noble that two people are enough. In turn, Noble claims that the best bands in the history of music have had three or more people. For example, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem had six members. The Great Khali adds that Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem do not count as a real band. Noble quips that Khali's face is not a real band. Vladimir Kozlov arrives onto the scene and criticizes Khali and Noble for dilly-dallying. An ecstatic Noble embraces Vladimir and hands him the guitar. Kozlov throws the guitar down and reminds them of their match tonight. Noble calms down Kozlov by letting him play the drums, but Vladimir refuses and curses them out in Russian. I don't care if you prefer Guitar Hero. You better drum with them on Expert, fool.
MATCH 1:
In a fast-paced contest, Paul London and Brian Kendrick gain their first victory in the Best-of-Seven SWE Tag Team Championship Series when London pins Jimmy Wang Yang with a Standing Shooting Star Press. Compared to the top turnbuckle Shooting Star Press, the Standing Shooting Star Press is impressive, but not that impressive. Watching a Standing Shooting Star Press is equivalent to receiving a participation ribbon on Sports Day. Everybody gets one, yet nobody wants one. - Coming to you live on tape from a spooky graveyard with too much fog, the Undertaker speaks of revenge on the Samoan Bulldozer. The Undertaker has died many times, but soon, Umaga will learn how to perish. Through videotape, he asks Umaga what he thinks about coffins. I told you, Undertaker. Umaga can't not no speak Anglish. He probably thinks coffins are gigantic, hollow candy bars in which chocolate elves live. - Elsewhere, the wise Funaki instructs Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter about fighting. Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. Hence, he is the wisest person that one can know. Funaki holds up a steel board and asks Ken Doane to break it. Doane attempts to break the board with a spin kick, but fails. Jeter tries to break the board with a straight jab, but hurts his hand. Funaki shakes his head in disappointment and asks them to break the steel board with their mind. The Cobras look at each other, quite bewildered. Once more, Funaki is a former Cruiserweight Champion. He just impregnated your girlfriend through positive thinking, or through the power of TAKA Michinoku's Capri pants-ish tights.
MATCH 2:
The Great Khali and Jamie Noble get the win over The Cobras with interference from Vladimir Kozlov. Even though Doane and Jeter dominate the first half of the match with a swift, double-team attack on Noble, they stand no chance against a raging Khali. Mr. Funaki notices his two students in trouble, so he utilizes his brain power to take Khali off his feet. In the other corner, Kozlov hesitates to help his supposed friends. At the finish, he breaks down and headbutts Doane, which allows Noble to roll his foe for the pinfall. In reaction to the win, Noble and Khali lock hands and jump around in a circle. They try to get Vladimir to join in the fun with them, but Kozlov is lame and prefers Guitar Hero like a chump. - In an interview with Maria, Chavo Guerrero insults the Big Show. He cannot insult the Big Show and get away with it. The Big Show will waste him. The Big Show will take the fact that he is big and the fact that he is a show and show Chavo in a big way why people call him the Big Show. I don't call him the Big Show. I call like him the Large Program.
MATCH 3:
The Big Show decimates Chavo Guerrero with multiple Chokeslams. Get your Chokeslams while they are Chokeslammy. I prefer to get my Chokeslams when they are on sale. I'm not a sucker. I'm a smart buyer. Show gains the attention of the cameraman and addresses Edge, face-to-screen. Well, it's the Large Program. It's a very large program this evening. - Shawn Michaels arrives to the building late for one of his eyes runs on Pacific Standard Time while the other runs on Eastern Standard Time. Behind Smackdown security, Montel Vontavious Porter informs Shawn of his upcoming matchup against Umaga. As Michaels threatens to Superkick MVP, Edge and Bam Neely take down HBK. In the background, Montel Vontavious Porter giggles with glee. The highest paid superstar on Smackdown is the best giggler. His Breathe Right nasal strip allows him to giggle with minimal nasal congestion.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga wins a lopsided match against a bloody Shawn Michaels with the Samoan Spike. The Heartbreak Kid urges the crowd to support him, but even the crowd knows that their support will not be as beneficial to him as, say, a Band-Aid. If you are injured in an unfortunate accident, you do not ask the paramedics to chant your name. Paramedics chanting your name is not an act that magically secures your wounds with stitches. If anything, paramedics chanting your name will make you bleed more. - Undertaker's music plays over the speaker system, which cues up the druids to make their dramatic entrance. Similar to last Sunday's Pay-Per-View, they roll out a large casket fit for someone who has the same build as Umaga. Like an elephant afraid of a mouse, Umaga slowly steps away from the casket. The druids push the coffin up against the apron in order to present it to him. Once Umaga creeps back towards the casket, Undertaker's hand busts through the lid to cap off this episode. The Undertaker has died many times, but he has no idea how to open a casket lid. You push up, then you push to the left.
AUGUST 29, 2008
- Shawn Michaels starts the show off in the middle of the ring. Why is The Heartbreak Kid so early? According to Shawn Michaels time, he should not be here until the last fifteen minutes of the show. Michaels shows his battered face to the camera and notes that the emotional and physical pain he has suffered at the hands of Montel Vontavious Power are no match for the brutality he has endured throughout his whole career. Well, Shawn Michaels did land lower back first onto Undertaker's casket. I guess this once career-ending back injury cannot be compared to MVP having giggle fits behind security. Michaels calls upon Vickie Guerrero to do what she wishes with him. Superkick or no Superkick, all he wants is another shot at MVP. As he is about to leave the ring, Vickie Guerrero makes her presence known. Vickie tells Shawn that the foolish antics of MVP will stop tonight, if and only if HBK can defeat both Edge and Porter in a handicap match. A victory shall grant him a Pay-Per-View rematch against MVP for the SWE United States Championship and full use of his Superkick. A loss shall ban him from Swerved Wrestling Entertainment for life. What about free hot dogs and Pepsi? As Chairman of SWE, I will give Shawn Michaels free hot dogs at Pepsi if he wins. - Maria interviews Vladimir Kozlov, who rants on and on about Jamie Noble. I hope Jamie Noble is not around to hear this rant. He is a sensitive fellow. He can't watch himself wrestle because he believes that if you watch yourself wrestle, the television will devour his soul. Kozlov criticizes Noble's incompetence and The Great Khali's willingness to befriend such an incompetent fellow. Look, Vladimir Kozlov. Go play Guitar Hero by yourself in Russia. You're in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment now. When us normal people are gaming, we enjoy the company of others. - On the other side of the wall, Jamie Noble listens in with the assistance of a glass cup. The Great Khali asks Jamie what Kozlov is talking about, but Jamie refuses to say. I see the hole in your heart, Jamie Noble. You can spackle that hole shut all you wish. From personal experience, I know that you cannot repair it. That hole is as big if not bigger than the one left in my heart when WWF released Tiger Ali Singh. Come back to me. Where are you, Babu?
MATCH 1:
Vladimir Kozlov defeats Funaki with a vicious headbutt to the sternum. Headbutt finishers are rare in modern professional wrestling. They are as rare as wrestlers with healthy tans or WWE Divas with natural busts. In order to show Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter the correct way to fight, Funaki chooses to not fight at all. If you refuse to fight, you are already the winner. Sadly, this rule is only applicable to Funaki. The Cobras better get a new teacher. - In the locker room, The Cobras asks Funaki why he didn't wrestle. Funaki ignores their questions and meditates in the corner of the room. The Cobras reluctantly join him to get a possible answer to their question. After the brief session, Funaki assures Doane and Jeter that you cannot wrestle until you learn how to professional wrestle. Because Funaki does not consider himself to be a professional anymore, he loses. Until that day comes where we can be professional, we are but mere amateur wrestlers. The wise Funaki is pretty wise. The label does not lie. - The Gregorian One, also known as Gregory Helms, encounters Finlay in the backstage area. Finlay forgets his name because Gregory Helms' theme has not yet played -- the one in which it informs the viewers that Gregory Helms' first name is Gregory. Gregory Helms is offended by Finlay's forgetfulness. Helms leaves in a huff as Hornswoggle refers to him as "The Hurricane." What would I do for Hurri-Powers? I would most likely trade in a Klondike Bar for Hurri-Powers.
MATCH 2:
Finlay defeats Gregory Helms because nobody likes Gregory as a wrestling name. Seriously, Gregory is not a name for a wrestler. Gregory is the name of a certified periodontist in your town. Gregory must go to the drawing and find a better wrestling name than his real name. If I ever become a professional wrestler, I'll wrestle under the name Gazpacho Wolfmeyer, Jr. As you can tell, my gimmick will be that of a Spanish, soup-eating wolf. I hope I like making money for I will be making a lot of it as Gazpacho Wolfmeyer, Jr. - SWE United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter paces down the popular backstage hallway in preparation for the main event. A large man taps him on the shoulder. Porter swats the hand away for the first two times, but the hand grabs his arm on the third attempt. Porter looks up and meets the Big Show. MVP waits for Show to speak. The Big Show stares at him without saying a word. Porter wanders off due to a mixture of confusion and fright.
MATCH 3:
Paul London and Brian Kendrick beat Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang with Kendrick's Sliced Bread #2 on Moore. London and Kendrick are determined to not lose. Whether or not this Best-of-Seven Series goes to seven matches, you will see a satisfying conclusion. I'm talking about closure beyond mortal belief. During the crowning of new SWE Tag Team Champions, you won't need to see a Best-of-Seven Series again. As much as I want to bring Orlando Jordan back in the fold for another classic Best-of-Seven Series, I won't. If I were to bring back Orlando Jordan, I would want him to spell his initials in the air, then leave. Orlando Jordan is an expert at spelling his initials in the air. - Undertaker stalks the foggy graveyard and vows vengeance on Umaga. On this special edition of Unsolved Mysteries, Undertaker presents a story about a group of ghosts who haunt an old hotel in Topeka, Kansas. What does Umaga have to do with this haunting? These ghosts haunt the old hotel for Samoa. For this injustice, the Undertaker will make the casket extra uncomfortable. He will take away most of the padding inside.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Shawn Michaels upsets the team of MVP and Edge in a handicap match. The SWE United States Champion and the R-Rated Superstar manhandle HBK for the majority of the match. In the final moments, Michaels comes back and squares up MVP for the MVP-like kick in the corner. Edge slides into the ring and sneaks around in his squatting, spear position. As HBK turns around, he sidesteps Edge, who hits the Spear on Porter instead. Before Edge can stop Michaels, Big Show walks to the ring and pulls Edge to the floor. Michaels rolls over and pins Porter to an electric ovation. The fans react with an electric ovation because SWE does not appeal to human spectators. Hooray for robots. Sorry, everyone else.
SEPTEMBER 5, 2008
- Backstage, the wise Funaki teaches Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter the meaning of The Cobras. Doane and Jeter assure Funaki that they know who they are, though they cannot convince Mr. Funaki. The wise one from the Land of the Rising Sun instructs Doane and Jeter to be one with the cobra. In other words, Funaki forces Doane and Jeter into a wooden crate filled with venomous cobras. Doane and Jeter are frightened in the crate until Funaki tells them to sing the snake charmer song. Of course, they soothe the cobras' souls with a rendition of Joe Esposito's "You're The Best Around." On the outside of the crate, Funaki nods his head in approval. Then again, he rhythmically nods his head. Perhaps he simply digs the song. Cherry passes the wooden crate and greets Jeter with a flirtatious smile. Cherry and Johnny Jeter? If the Elisabeth Shue fits, Jeter can be her Macchio Man. - In the locker room, Vladimir Kozlov attempts to discuss the upcoming six-man tag match with Jamie Noble, but Noble appears standoffish and aloof. Don't act like you didn't dis him, Vladimir. I saw your hatred for Jamie in HD. As we are all aware, that much definition does not lie. While Kozlov raises his voice at Jamie, The Great Khali argues with him and requests that he should lower his tone. For the entire segment, Khali consoles Noble by brushing his hair. I need Khali's services. My hair requires a brushing and I am distraught because of it. When will he console me?
MATCH 1:
Using the power of love, The Cobras and Mr. Funaki defeat Vladimir Kozlov, Jamie Noble, and The Great Khali. Mr. Funaki's lessons were great and all, but Cherry has lady parts. Yes, Funaki is wise, but wisdom does not make him into a lady with lady parts. Sometimes, a fighter has the desire to be a lover, you know. After the match, The Cobras bring us back to the days of the mighty Spirit Squad and begin to dance in a goofy, comical style. They cannot dance this way without Mikey, Nicky, and Mitch. This dance is blasphemous. On the other corner of the ring, an angry Vladimir yells at Jamie Noble and blames his stupidity for their loss. As The Great Khali stands in front of Noble to confront Kozlov, Vladimir leaves the ring in an irate state. If Kozlov was angry with him, he should have sent Jamie Noble to his room, or refused to let him ride the mechanical horse on their next trip to the mall. - Montel Vontavious Porter ventures to Grey Curtain Promo Corner. Humble in defeat, he congratulates Shawn Michaels on his victory last week. He apologizes for the pain that he has caused HBK and does not want Michaels to think ill of him. Because he is the reigning SWE United States Champion, sometimes he does what's right for the gold rather than what's right for others. Tonight, MVP invites Shawn to join him in the VIP Lounge so he may apologize to him in public. I am not a gullible man, nor am I dishonest, so let me call a spade a spade. MVP is the Most Valuable Player in the game of heartfelt sincerity. - On this edition of the VIP Lounge, MVP waits patiently in the ring for Shawn Michaels. He encourages the fans to stand up and cheer for the legend that is HBK. To their delight, Michaels shows up and talks down MVP. As Shawn approaches, Porter grins and signals to the back. Smackdown security runs down the aisle to attack Shawn Michaels because that is what effective security teams do during wrestling events -- they take MVP's monetary bribes and go to town on an iconic hobo. Due to the reinstatement of the Michaels' Superkick, HBK goes wild on the security team with Superkicks aplenty. When Michaels manages to lays out most of the security team members, MVP bails. Porter walks to the top of the ramp and waves goodbye to Shawn, only to walk into the Big Show. After a few punches, MVP evades further damage.
MATCH 2:
While Big Show is out in the ring, he looks around at the fallen security members. He notices a leg shaking under the ring and pulls the man out. In a Smackdown security shirt, Chavo Guerrero begs Show to have mercy on him. Show helps him to his feet, pats him on the head, and grabs him by the throat. He hauls himself and Chavo up on the apron and tells the referee to the ring the bell. Show pulls off a single Chokeslam on Chavo and gets the pin.
MATCH 3:
Paul London and Brian Kendrick defeat Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang to tie up the Best-of-Seven Series at three wins to three. Moore and Yang pull out all the stops to try and finish off the duo, but London and Kendrick manage to come out of the bout with the win. Paul London uses Yang's Moonsault Press to roll Jimmy up for the pin. London and Kendrick are rather excited and jump into each other's arms in celebration. Sure, when London and Kendrick leap into each other's arms, the fans love it. When I find out where you live, knock on your door, and jump into your arms, I'm suddenly "arrested." I like it when people spin me around. What's wrong with what? - London and Kendrick and Moore and Yang visit Vickie Guerrero's office for an important meeting. The Smackdown General Manager congratulate both teams on a tremendous series so far. Vickie reviews the classic matches of yesteryear and claims that this series should go down as the best. She wants both teams to know that the series will conclude at the Pay-Per-View in a match that is likely to steal the show. Before the teams can inquire about the seventh match, Vickie makes references to the "former" and the "latter," but she pronounces "latter" as if it has two Ds, not a pair of Ts. I know, I know. Can I guess? Are they going to have a former match? Hold on for one second. I don't get it. Thankfully, Vickie clarifies her witty pun and announces that Paul London and Kendrick will face Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang in a ladder match for the SWE Tag Team Championship. What is a former match anyway? For the finish of a former match, do I refer to the match prior to it? - Maria interviews Gregory Helms and asks the question that every wrestling fan wants answered: why is his wrestling name Gregory Helms? Gregory scoffs at the question and does not choose to dignify it with a response, which is typical conduct for a man whose wrestling name is Gregory Helms. Gregory tells Maria that names don't matter when Vickie Guerrero believes in you. After all, he's in the main event tonight. For a man named Gregory Helms, this is a tremendous feat indeed.
MATCH 4: Main Event
In another world, the Undertaker beats Gregory Helms in the close match. On Earth, the Undertaker decimates Gregory Helms in a lopsided squash that features unlimited Chokeslams and Tombstones. What did Gregory Helms do to deserve such harsh punishment? Oh, right. His wrestling name is Gregory Helms. You can't fight the Undertaker with a name like Gregory Helms. With a wrestling name like Gregory, you might as well forfeit the match before you step inside the building. The Undertaker does not bow down to the weak. So, why would he bow down to Gregory? - Umaga makes an abrupt entrance. With the World Heavyweight Championship in his teeth, he lumbers down the aisle and locks eyes with the Deadman. Umaga throws the championship belt down and proceeds to walk up the steel steps. As Undertaker prepares to fight him, Umaga backtracks and heads on over to the casket up against the apron. For about twelve hours, he divides his focus between the Undertaker and the casket. First, here's the Undertaker. Then, here’s a casket. Undertaker, Undercasket. Undertaker, Undercasket again. He looks back and forth so much that if you play this segment in slow motion, Umaga's head will turn at normal speed. Umaga attempts to destroy the casket with his bare hands. The Undertaker realizes Umaga's intentions. He executes his running suicide dive over the ropes onto an unsuspecting Umaga. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment can't build another casket that can house Umaga. Caskets for Umaga are difficult to make. I have to hire an casket interpreter for him as well.
SEPTEMBER 12, 2008
- Maria interviews Shawn Michaels about his upcoming SWE United States Championship shot against MVP at SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr. Michaels talks about the reinstatement of the Superkick, but says that he does not need it to defeat someone like MVP. Tonight, Shawn Michaels urges Montel Vontavious Porter and Edge to bring everything that they have to squared circle. They can’t bring everything. What are they going to do with a microwave or a shoebox full of receipts in a wrestling match? Cook their receipts on high for five minutes? That's a TNA thing. - A video montage promotes the Pay-Per-View ladder match between London and Kendrick and Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang. I hope they will be able to the top the great ladder match moments of the past. Do you remember when Rey Mysterio and the late Eddie Guerrero fought for the custody of Dominic Mysterio? I do. I wanted to see Dominic hang from the rafters, which would force Mysterio and Guerrero to try and pull him down from the reinforced hook to win. Unfortunately, that's not how World Wrestling Entertainment does their ladder matches. What a shame. - Backstage, Johnny Jeter encounters Cherry. The former valet for Deuce 'n Domino asks Johnny what he's doing after tonight's match. A shy Johnny Jeter replies that he may go down to the all-night mini-golf course. He asks Cherry if she wants to join him. Without hesitation, Cherry tells Johnny to pick her up at the end of the show. I don't know if Johnny should go out with her. He's from the other side of the tracks, while Cherry is from the other side of the other side of the tracks. Plus, Johnny's mother may embarrass him by asking Cherry to push their station wagon down the street. In the background, the wise Funaki believes that Johnny Jeter has made a wise decision to be with her. Mr. Funaki paints a traditional, Japanese, watercolour painting of Johnny hitting that.
MATCH 1:
In the rematch, Johnny Jeter's love for Cherry triumphs over all. For the second week in a row, The Cobras and Mr. Funaki defeat Vladimir Kozlov, Jamie Noble, and The Great Khali with the Jeter’s Crane Kick on Noble. In the back, Cherry is so excited about Johnny’s win that her roller skates transform into rocket skates. May Johnny Jeter and Cherry do it on the moon. Mr. Funaki reacts to the tag victory by painting another watercolour painting of Johnny hitting that twice. Ken Doane uses the Etch-A-Sketch because he is still a novice at pornographic art. - In defeat, Vladimir Kozlov expresses his disappointment with Jamie Noble's performance by laying him out with a headbutt. The Great Khali blocks Kozlov to protect his helpless chum. For Khali’s bravery, Vladimir rewards him with several headbutts. Kozlov exits the ring to the jeers of angry fans. Jamie Noble wanted to be your pal. Jamie Noble wanted to be the hitch to your trailer. Why, Vladimir Kozlov, why? I hope you get zero percent on every one of your favourite Guitar Hero songs. - Bam Neely and a bandaged Chavo Guerrero stand before Vickie Guerrero's office door. Bam Neely states his interest for a shot against the future SWE Tag Team Champions. Chavo mentions that he is not in great shape at the moment. Neely and Chavo proceed to argue about whether or not they should enter the tag team title hunt. As a test to see if Chavo is ready to compete, Bam Neely questions if the Mexican Warrior wants to be a winner or wants to get destroyed by Big Show every week. Chavo is quick to reply that he does not want to face any shows that are of the big variety.
MATCH 2:
Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero defeat Jesse and Festus with Chavo's horrible version of the Frog Splash. I have never seen an uglier Frog Splash in my entire life than the one that Chavo Guerrero uses. If that is how a frog splashes, I am going to assume that frogs are the laughing stock of the amphibian world. Neely allows Chavo to heal up as he wrestles for the majority of the match. When Festus, the illegal man, gains the advantage over Bam, Chavo dings the ring bell to stop his crazed rampage. Once Chavo accepts the tag, he nails the Brainbuster on Jesse and imitates a frog whose movements suggests a severe lack of grace and agility.
MATCH 3:
Gregory Helms enters the rings and brags that Vickie Guerrero has scheduled a matchup between himself and a worthy competitor. Helms speaks out against the viewers who dislike his wrestling name. He claims that his name is not an intimidating name, but it's a name. He's right, you know. His name is, in fact, a name. As the arena audience replies with a "I Don't Want to Watch Matches That Have A Dude Named Gregory in Them" chant, Gregory Helms throws down his microphone in frustration. Then, Umaga makes his entrance and destroys Gregory with a Samoan Drop in about ten seconds. Do you know those personal license plates that you can buy at gift shops? Do you know what's the least popular license plate? Gregory. - Maria fails to get an interview with The Great Khali. The moment that she mentions Kozlov, Khali places his head in his hands. Thanks to Kozlov, I will have to buy Jamie a present for being such a trooper. Guess what, Kozlov? I'm buying Noble a copy of Rock Band 2.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Shawn Michaels and the Big Show beat Montel Vontavious Porter and Edge with a Superkick that misses MVP and hits the R-Rated Superstar. On one hand, MVP shows his intelligence by ducking Michaels' Superkick. On the other hand, Edge stands in place and lets the Superkick ravage his facial features. Surgeons will reconstruct his face to make him the PG-13 Superstar. - The druids gain another payday as they roll the now infamous wooden casket to the ring. Midway through the entrance, Umaga emerges from the back and attacks the druids. He screams at the casket and waits for the lid to rise. After inspecting the exterior of the casket, Umaga opens the lid and finds it empty. Umaga tilts his head in confusion and digs around the casket in hopes to gain a hint about the Undertaker's whereabouts. While he reaches both hands into the casket, the arena lights go out. When they return, the entire aisle is filled with wooden caskets. Yes, we got our wholesale discount. Thanks, Casket Emporium. Surrounded by wooden caskets, Umaga freaks out and attacks them all.
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Undertaker vs. Umaga: 90% Shawn Michaels vs. MVP: 87% London and Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang: 71%
***
ECW
News: - Pope Todd Grisham renewed his “poping” license.
Television Results:
AUGUST 19, 2008
- Disco Inferno, the ECW General Manager addresses the audience from his disco office. Disco encourages the viewers to stick around tonight for they will see Samoa Joe defend the ECW Championship against a random opponent. I will be there because I have no choice. Plus, my remote is so far away. My remote sends me postcards from Parts Unknown, which looks like a nice metropolitan area, reminiscent of Chicago. Because my remote writes to me from Parts Unknown, it can inform me about some parts of the city, but not others.
MATCH 1:
In his ECW debut match, Colt Cabana defeats Matt Striker with the Colt 45. While Colt celebrates his first win in the corner of the ring, Big Daddy V runs at Colt and takes him out with an avalanche. Colt attempts to roll out of the ring, but Striker holds him down so V can connect with a huge splash. V and Striker leave the ring together as Matt Sydal and Kelly Kelly arrive to assist Cabana. Sorry, Colt. Due to their lucrative modelling jobs, Sydal and Kelly were late. They were busy riding naked on a lion in some kind of exotic jungle setting.
MATCH 2:
The Boogeyman and Kane defeat Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin when Kane sends Benjamin to the hellish depths of the unwashed wrestling mat. In victory, Boogeyman eats worms while Kane devours chewy gummy worms that come from a dark, traumatic upbringing. - We return to Disco's office where he prepares to pick a random opponent for tonight's main event through a Rube Goldberg machine. A tennis racket will hit a stick of dynamite, which will lodge itself into a birthday cake. When the birthday cake explodes, a piece of cake shall hit a piñata suspended above the room. When that piñata swings five times to the right, it shall hit a set of dominoes in the shape of the ECW logo. When the dominoes topple, the last domino will strike a marble. That marble will roll down a ramp counterclockwise. When that marble hits the bottom of the ramp, it will trigger a catapult. That catapult will fling a hat into Disco's hands. In the end, Disco will put a bunch of names into that hat, then pick a name. How simple is that? Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin barge into the room to discuss their worth to the brand. Disco chastises both men for interrupting him. Burke and Benjamin wonder when they will get their rightful shot to shine in ECW. Fed up with their whining, Disco agrees to take both men under his wing and lead them to greatness. Yes, this will be great. - A Braden Walker-like figure appears in front of an Old Western saloon. He sports a cowboy hat, a pair of cowboy boots with glistening spurs, and a dust-covered jacket. A scruffy gang appears in the windows of the building, toting rifles. Without speaking a word, the figure points his index finger like a gun at each gang member. Through the power of his finger bullets, half of the gang falls backwards while the other half's pants fall down to their ankles. So, he's playing Wild Gunman? Nuts. My light gun doesn't work anymore.
MATCH 3: ECW Championship Main Event Match
Samoa Joe succeeds in his ECW Championship defense against Tommy Dreamer. If Tommy is extreme enough to wear a t-shirt in competition, I assume that he is extreme enough to wear a t-shirt at a water park. The ECW Original comes close to defeating the TNA Original, but Dreamer is no match for the Samoan Submission Machine’s Coquina Clutch. I never purchase Samoan Submission Machines because I don't know how to use them. The instructions for such machines are in Samoan. - AJ Styles walks down to the ring and snatches Joe's ECW title from the timekeeper's table. He slides into the ring and tries to hand the belt to the champion. Samoa Joe argues with AJ about the whole deal. Joe eventually grabs the belt from him with a annoyed expression on his face. As Joe turns around, AJ Styles kicks Joe in the back of the head with the Pelé. AJ's sneaky tactics inspire me to do something better with my life. When I get the chance to hand out college diplomas for my future alma mater, I shall hand each graduate the rolled up piece of paper, then unleash a tiger on that graduate.
AUGUST 26, 2008
- Pope Todd Grisham interviews AJ Styles concerning his recent attack on ECW Champion Samoa Joe. Because Joe knows AJ well, he does not understand how he did not see the Pelé coming. I don't blame Joe for not noticing the Pelé. While I am not a professional wrestler, I have been struck with the Pelé several times. In most cases, I was hit with the Pelé on a soccer field. I do not expect bicycle kicks to occur in a wrestling ring. AJ suggests that Joe should pay attention if he doesn't want to get hit with another kick in the future. The same sentimental goes for his opponent tonight. On this fateful Tuesday, Styles goes up against Jeff Hardy. This contest will be excellent. Get ready to embark on another fliptastic voyage. - Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin cannot stop complaining to Disco Inferno. Disco shuts the two up momentarily by conjuring up a plan for immediate success. An ungrateful Burke and Benjamin convey their displeasure towards a possible alliance with Disco. The ECW General Manager reasons with both men and allows them to think this business relationship through before they commit. Disco warns them that if they refuse to align themselves with him, they will be sorry. A warning from Disco might as well be a warning from the President of the World himself. In a ironic twist, the President of the World is the Disco Inferno.
MATCH 1:
Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin lose to The Boogeyman and Kane because they refuse to believe in Disco’s plan. In this match, Burke falls victim to The Boogeyman's double choke bomb, which is move that consists of two, single choke bombs poorly executed at the same time. In the bedroom, I use the double choke bomb on two lovely ladies to simultaneously disappoint both of them. This is how I do. Burke and Benjamin mope around the ring and argue about their defeat.
MATCH 2:
Kofi Kingston defeats John Morrison in a battle without inference from The Miz. Mike Mizanin's absence does not bode well for John Morrison. The Dirt Sheet gets cleaner every day that John Morrison and The Miz fail to stay on the same page. What will become of this duo? Will they feud to see over who has the bigger ego? Yes, that is exactly what will happen. You will not see a sixth installment. Therefore, this is not a spoiler. - Grey curtain promo bonanza. Samoa Joe, the ECW Champion, thanks AJ Styles for kicking him in the face. Of course, he is as sarcastic as a very sarcastic man. Samoa Joe urges AJ to challenge him for the title again to end their rivalry. He is so ready for him. Did Samoa Joe's mother sleep with sarcasm to make Samoa Joe? In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, Samoa Joe is one-third Samoan, two-thirds sarcastic.
MATCH 3: Main Event
AJ Styles defeats Jeff Hardy with the Spiral Tap. As Jeff tries his darnedest to beat AJ, the Phenomenal One is rather phenomenal in this bout. At various points in the matchup, AJ Styles reverses a Twist of Fate attempt into a Styles Clash and counters the Whisper in the Wind with a Pelé in mid-air. Elsewhere, the ECW Champion sarcastically cheers for AJ. In grey curtain promos that feature Samoa Joe, even the grey curtain is sarcastic.
SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
MATCH 1:
Big Daddy V wipes the grin off Colt Cabana's face with a splash in the center of the ring. Matt Striker demands that Big Daddy V should finish the job. Striker whips Cabana with his retractable pointer for good measure. As V prepares for a splash from the middle turnbuckle, Matt Sydal sprints to the ring and jumps on V's back. He slaps on the sleeper until Big Daddy V throws him up and over his head. Sydal's momentum sends him onto Colt Cabana for an inadvertently sommersault senton. With Sydal and Cabana in a vulnerable position, V goes for another splash. In a last ditch effort to save Sydal and Cabana, Kelly Kelly blocks V’s path and slaps him in the face. Women's Special Slap your way to success, woman. V takes offense to this slap and hauls Kelly body away from the ring. Striker laughs at the two fallen men as he walks into the extreme sunset. - Disco Inferno searches SWE wardrobe to provide a new look for Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin. Disco picks out two groovy two outfits in the bottom of the deep travel case. Burke and Benjamin express their hatred for bad clothing without seeing what Disco has picked out for the duo. They should not worry. Disco Inferno is a General Manager with a tremendous fashion sense.
MATCH 2:
"Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benjamin show up for their tag team match in clothes reminiscent of the glory days of Alex Wright and the Disco Inferno. Upon sight of them, I am shedding tears of happiness. I have never seen such a beautiful, poetic vision. Disco Inferno encourages Burke and Benjamin to dance their way to the ring, but they refuse. To their surprise, Burke and Benjamin defeat The Boogeyman and Kane when Disco connects with a super secret Chart Buster on The Boogeyman. Benjamin takes the pinfall to the tune of disco music. Disco Inferno dances under the mirror ball as Burke and Benjamin somewhat dance in place. If Elijah Burke can do the Alex Wright dance, I will devour one killer whale whole. I'm not kidding. - Pope Todd Grisham interviews a distraught Matt Sydal and Colt Cabana. Sydal glares into the camera and dares Big Daddy and Matt Striker to face them in a tag match next week. Sydal prays that Kelly Kelly is okay. He warns V that if he hurts Kelly, he will make him pay. This Abercrombie & Fitch model will make Big Daddy V his Abercrombie & Bitch. Uh huh. That's right, girlfriends. - Backstage, John Morrison catches up with The Miz and berates him for his no-show last Tuesday. The Miz says that while he considers Morrison a friend, he needs to do what's right for himself. John Morrison his flowing hair and a pronounced jaw line. Does that mean anything to you? Morrison wants to talk more with him, but The Miz makes him talk to the hand so he can chat with Hollywood big wigs on his cell phone. Big wigs or Morrison's flowing hair? You can only choose one.
MATCH 3: Main Event
In a four corners main event between ECW Champion Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Jeff Hardy, and Tommy Dreamer, Samoa Joe attains the W. Joe spends the duration of the contest trying to get the pinfall before AJ can intervene. AJ breaks up numerous pins and almost pins Joe himself after a brief, three-on-one string of finishers. In a dead portion of the match with all four competitors down, Joe rolls over and submits Jeff Hardy in the Coquina Clutch before AJ can break up the hold.
SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
- "Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benjamin thank the ECW General Manager for his assistance. Disco Inferno stresses that they should not thank him; rather, they should thank themselves for embracing the majesty of disco dancing. Burke and Benjamin wonder where their new personas will take them. Disco answers their question by disco dancing. The first WWE Diva who disco dances on weekly television will be my soulmate. Put disco dancing John Cena in a feminine wig and he may make me swoon.
MATCH 1:
"Das Wunderburke" Elijah Burke and Disco Benhamin's one-match winning streak continues with a victory over John Morrison and The Miz. The twirling reflections of the mirror ball above them inspire the dancing duo to persevere against anti-disco adversity. After the match, The Miz walks out on John Morrison and leaves the fantasy world of the Palace of Wisdom for The Real World. This is true story of The Miz... picked to live in a palace that isn't on a cloud... attracting baby chickens on tape... to find out what's like... when he stops using John Morrison's conditioner... and starts paying for his own hat-cleaning bills ... on The Real World. - A hype video features the Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. He walks to the arena at high noon, but the arena is not open yet. Please forgive him. He is new. In a deep, scratchy voice, "Wildcat" invites the audience to the Wild, Wild West. I'm there, Braden Walker-esque Cowboy. You're speaking my language -- English.
MATCH 2:
"Wildcat" Chris Harris makes his Extreme Championship Wrestling debut with a win over Mike Knox via the Catatonic. For any ECW wrestler, a victory over Mike Knox is a rite of passage. I for one do not accept the presence of a new wrestler in ECW until he defeats or suggests that he can defeat Mike Knox. In place of a measuring stick, Mike Knox does the trick. - AJ Styles and Samoa Joe have a heart-to-heart discussion in the ring. AJ and Joe agree that they their match at the Pay-Per-View shall be their last encounter for a long while. While they shake hands, AJ tells Joe that when he becomes the new ECW Champion, Joe can visit the belt whenever he pleases. AJ Styles and Samoa Joe must be brothers from different sarcastic mothers and or fathers.
MATCH 3: Main Event
Matt Sydal and Colt Cabana bring hope to All-American models everywhere by defeating Big Daddy V and Matt Striker. V and Striker manhandle their adversaries for most of the bout. They seek to end the careers of both opponents with Big Daddy V's patented avalanche splash. At the last second, Kelly Kelly breaks free from the shackles that bind her to the timekeeper's table, hops onto the ring apron, and shoves Sydal and Cabana out of harm's way. In response, V and Striker bring Kelly Kelly into the ring. Big Daddy V bounces off the ropes for the splash on Kelly‘s prone body, but gets lost in Kelly's provocative pose as she arches her back on the canvas. The momentary distraction gives Cabana the opportunity to spit a mixed drink in V and Striker's faces. As Matt Striker tumbles out of the ring, Matt Sydal kicks V in his Little Daddy Vs. On the top turnbuckle, Sydal does an All-America pose and launches himself onto V with the Shooting Star Press. Sydal helps Kelly to her feet and recreates the industrial warehouse kiss on Page 47 of the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Why are two people making out in an industrial warehouse? Are they on their lunch break? I’ll allow it.
Feud Ratings Before Final Pay-Per-View: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 90%
***
SWE Physiology Ain't Too Furr Pay-Per-View Results
Homicide and Hernandez are the new World Tag Team Champions. They have turned out to be noble thugs. I would let my non-existent daughters date them. I want them to have this upside-down cake that I made. I hope they like pineapple and shoe leather.
SWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Triple H dethrones King William Regal to regain the SWE Championship. Members of the kingdom try to end the match through blatant acts of disqualification. Princess Katie Lea drags William Regal up the aisle for the count out loss, but Hunter pulls her back and gives her the Pedigree. Next, Duke David Harry Smith gains the referee's attention and takes a swing at Triple H. In response, Hunter ducks and gives the Duke a Pedigree of his very own. Last but not least, Prince Paul runs at Hunter with a steel chair, only for the challenger to give him the Pedigree as well. With Regal’s Kingdom out of commission, Regal begs forgiveness. Hunter nails King Regal with the Pedigree as a sign that he will never forgive him. Hunter caps off the win by knocking Regal out with another Pedigree.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP CASKET MATCH
Umaga rests in peace on behalf of the Undertaker. At one point, Umaga manages to roll the Undertaker into the casket, but forgets to close the lid. While he celebrates, Undertaker steps out of the casket and lurks behind Umaga. Soon enough, he stuffs the Samoan Bulldozer into the casket with the Chokeslam and poses on top of the closed lid.
SWE INTERCONTINTENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP CAGE MATCH
Unable to follow Mr. Kennedy up the cage wall, CM Punk grabs the champion and puts him in the Anaconda Vice. Mr. Kennedy attempts to battle out of the submission by attacking Punk's legs, but the hold is in too tight. In the end, Mr. Kennedy taps out, which gives CM Punk his first Intercontinental Championship reign.
SWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Montel Vontavious Porter does everything in his power to evade Michaels' Superkick. In the finish, Porter uses his SWE United States Championship as a shield and blocks music from striking his sweet chin. Upon impact with the faceplate, Michaels hurts his leg. As he turns around, MVP catches him with the corner kick and pins him to retain the belt.
BEST-OF-SEVEN SERIES FOR THE SWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - MATCH 7 - LADDER MATCH
Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang defeat Paul London and Brian Kendrick to win the series, four matches to three. Highlights include Kendrick pulling off Sliced Bread #2 on Jimmy Wang Yang from the top of the ladder and Shannon Moore taking down London and Kendrick on the outside with a Sky Twister Press from the middle rung. A fist fight ensues with all four men on four different ladders before Moore and Yang simultaneously tip over the ladders of London an Kendrick. Both Moore and Yang grab a championship belt and hold it high in victory.
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT MATCH
In a violent contest that takes its physical toll on both teams, the Latin American Xchange defeat Cryme Tyme to become the new World Tag Team Champions. Prior to the bell, LAX park a small car near the aisle. As the teams brawl to that area, Homicide hits Shad with JTG's own crutch. Then, Hernandez plants JTG on the hood of the car with the Border Toss for the win.
SWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP SUBMISSION MATCH
To pay Natalya back for what she did to her, Mickie James wins the SWE Women's Championship with the Sharpshooter. Every chance that Natalya gets to attack Mickie's back, the challenger reverses and executes the same move on her. With the championship belt in her hands, Mickie stands over Natalya, who clutches her back in agony.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
On this Sunday night, Samoa Joe retains his ECW Championship with the Muscle Buster on the challenger. AJ Styles seeks to nail Joe with the Spiral Tap, but the champion crotches him on the top turnbuckle and connects with a spinning Muscle Buster for the pin.
Divas Championship Match Michelle McCool vs. Fifi Le Fume
We're sexy, we're sultry We're all a little lovely And you show up weekly We're on Fridays, you see
Between five-minute squashes They edit out our botches On WWE Diva Adventures Quantity beats quality
So here's our show Smackdown It's a program rated G Our home sweet home is The CW Then it's MyNetworkTV
Do not hate our matches We know they're not mat classics When WWE Diva Adventures Gets ready for the screen
Challenger versus champion Can McCool retain her belt again? Victoria will never get to win While Eve can use a mic
There's Natalya and Maria But the writing team has no idea They're as creative as IKEA But Eve can use a mic
At the monthly Pay-Per-Views We fight for butterflies We can't stand RAW laughing At our brand 'cause we simply don't get why
We're sexy, we're sultry We're all a little lovely It's WWE Diva Adventures Stay tuned to watch McCool
She's vintage and old school
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
In two weeks, The Swerved celebrates its two-year anniversary. On the first anniversary, you gave this site paper. On the second anniversary, I hope you give this site a pen so I can write about how much I hate your anniversary gifts.
AND
Tombstone, huh? You know, I've been to a tombstone, and I didn't see thin pepperoni slices or gooey mozarella cheese on yours anywhere.
In my spare time, I like to build things with the might of my tough, masculine hands. To be more specific, I like to build practical things for professional wrestlers to use in their everyday lives. If the man upstairs in the heavenly attic was a gentle carpenter, this gentleman before you is an aggressive and ruthless carpenter. In a few professional wrestling analytic circles, I am known as “The Carpenter of Carpenters.” My leisure time entrance theme begins with the line, "It's time to be proficient at carpentry. Time to be proficient at carpentry." When I approach my peers, I appear in a casual three-piece suit. Then, I construct a water bottle out of rich spruce to collect water during torrential rainfalls. After I fill up that wooden bottle, the spitting begins. While the man upstairs can construct a charming breakfast nook for Shawn Michaels, I am one to construct an abrasive breakfast nook with a bunch of pointy spikes and deadly traps. This way, Shawn Michaels can eat an English muffin in the comfort of his own home, but if he thinks about putting his elbows on the table, a wall of spikes shall emerge from the breakfast table and attack his good eye. Apparently, religious folk believe in everything except decent table manners.
Two months ago, I chose to provide the world with a state-of-the-art facility for continuous, unfiltered wrestling observation. I wanted this building to let fans analyze the outer and inner workings of the industry without the distraction of jam-packed, rambunctious, arena crowds or biased, weekly television programming. In order to build such a structure, Home Depot instructed me to use a certified, construction contractor for my project. In the end, I made this conservatory by myself with a single nail, a garbage bag of shredded newspaper, and an entire landfill of unwanted Lilian Garcia CDs. With the uplifting power of Latin music from this WWE announcing songstress, The Swerved's Random Observatory was born. Although the project cost me thirty million dollars and three fingers to complete, I am quite content with the results. Finally, fans have a place to watch wrestling the way it was meant to be seen -- through the lens of a massive telescope that is pointed to the sky for some reason.
At the Random Observatory, we take pride in random wrestling observations. On any and every occasion, we do not shy away from calling out World Wrestling Entertainment on their minimal triumphs and maximum mistakes. We do not criticize the good people of this promotion out of spite. In fact, we criticize these World Wrestling Entertainers out of love. If we observe a bland matchup between two emotionless competitors, we will not stay silent. If we observe underdeveloped characters with laughable verbal and or acting skills, we will inform the company. If we receive mercy for forty dollars when the promotion promises that we will receive no such intangible gift, we will be up in arms and other possible body parts. In turn, we will give WWE praise when necessary. In humble fashion, the Random Observatory accepts World Wrestling Entertainment as the number one wrestling company in the universe. However, number one does not always guarantee perfection.
This fall, you might stare up at the stars and see Copernicus, the Sea-Goat, eating a bunch of sea-cans. In the middle of the night, you may gaze out your bedroom window and notice Taurus, the Bull, looking down at Taurus, your Ford automobile. This week, the Random Observatory looks up at World Wrestling Entertainmentus, a constellation in the northern sky that resembles the WWE logo. When one connects the stars, this constellation looks to be an accurate depiction of one W lap dancing on a second W while they ride together on a skateboard without wheels. In other words, this constellation conveys an alternative and extreme bachelor party.
Primo Colon is a Futuristic Magician
On September 12th, 2008, Primo Colon utilized his magical teleportation machine to transport himself from Monday Night RAW to Friday Night Smackdown. With the assistance of his ill-fitting vest, no particles were lost in this act of teleporting. As a brief aside, Primo's device may or may not be the same machine that brought Matt Striker from the RAW ring to ECW's announce table.
Out of numerous, magical teleportation machines in professional wrestling today, Primo Colon's teleportation machine is one of the best. While Primo's magical teleportation machine is rather dangerous, he can dematerialize and rematerialize like no other member of the Colon family. File that fact in the scattered folds of your scarred forehead, Carlos Colon. I'm not faxing this fact to Puerto anytime soon.
A few days prior to Primo's successful teleportation, Carlito tried to use the machine to leave World Wrestling Entertainment forever. To his dismay, Carlito remained on Friday Night Smackdown, but somehow attained Rey Mysterio's shiny, baggy pants in the process. In response, Carlito was so shocked that he swallowed an apple piece for once. In addition to the machine's transporting capabilities of physical matter, Primo's device works as a part-time seamstress. This time, the machine altered the Mysterio pants to say "Carlito," rather than "619." For professional wrestlers, this slight pant alteration is important. If the wrestler's name or persona is not present on his or her pants, that wrestler may lose his or her sense of self.
Rebecca in Slow Motion
At this year's Summerslam, Chris Jericho accidentally punched Shawn Michaels' wife Rebecca in the mouth. Apparently, RBK ("The Rebecca Break Kid") lost her ability to move when she became the love of Michaels' life. A long time ago on many past moons, Rebecca was known as Whisper, one of the energetic members of the WCW Nitro Girls. For those of you young whippersnappers who did not catch World Championship Wrestling in its prime, the WCW Nitro Girls were similar to ECW's Extreme Exposé, except every member of the Nitro Girls could dance without doing nonsensical backflips.
Since every Nitro Girl could move, I expected Rebecca to be somewhat quick on her feet. When Jericho gave her that busted lip, Rebecca proved my assumption wrong. How come you can't move anymore, Whisper? Can't you rhythmically dance out of harm's way? Do you require an up-tempo dance beat before doing so? Do you need to move out of harm's way in unison with five other girls? Should I get Kimberly or AC Jazz on the phone? I will have to consult my rolodex slash Nitro Girl black book first. Because Rebecca has a slow reaction time, I fear for the well-being of future wrestling wives.
From this point forward, I urge wrestlers to refrain from bringing their wives into the ring during intense feuds. If a Nitro Girl can't move, token blonde trophy wife has no chance to save herself.
Rey Mysterio Believes in Angels
Despite Kane's efforts to kill Rey Mysterio's spirit, the Biggest Little Man is bigger and littler than ever. In fact, Kane was such a failure in his quest to break the man that he could not prevent Mysterio from getting two symmetrical eagle faces tattooed on his chest. Rey Mysterio does not die, nor will he ever die. He is a cactus with a surplus water supply. He is a cat who has not yet perished. He is a hand-crank radio that does not use batteries. In place of death, I assume Mysterio falls off the screen, then flickers back onto that screen at one-half size.
On RAW, you saw the fight in this thirty-three-year-old man in a children's mask. Because of Kane's actions, Rey had to take time off to rehabilitate his body and regain his strength (at a tattoo parlour). Now that his spirit is alive and well, Rey Mysterio is nobody's victim. You will not see Mysterio in Bitter Taste of Your Violence: The Rey Mysterio Story, a Lifetime Original Movie of the Week co-starring Cybill Shepherd as Kane. As much as you want to see this emotional flick with your feminist aunt on a lazy Sunday afternoon, Mysterio does not want this film to be made.
Last Monday, Rey Mysterio emerged from the entranceway with arms flapping like a bird. On that night, he proved that he was a believer. In particular, Rey Mysterio believes in Angels -- the California Angels circa 1994 in Disney’s Angels in the Outfield. In the film, a prepubescent Tommy Solomon from 3rd Rock from the Sun plays an orphan who prays for the California Angels to win the pennant. With the flapping of Tommy Solomon's arms, a group of angels show up in the outfield to assist the lowly Angels as they cheat their way to divine victory. Even though Mysterio beat up Kane beforehand, Rey prays that angels will come down from above to help him defeat the Big Red Machine for a second time. Since Rey Mysterio believes in angels, you should believe in angels, too. If you believes in angels, I will believe in angels. And if I believe in angels, a pitching Tony Danza will understand that the angels are not in the outfield. At the end of the day, the angels are within him. They were within him all along.
Evan Bourne is Good
In my opinion, Evan Bourne is a rising star, but does WWE agree with me? After his exciting tag victory with Rey Mysterio, World Wrestling Entertainment will pay close attention to his performances to determine whether or not he is "WWE Superstar" material.
On one hand, Evan Bourne is a tad small for a WWE performer. As a rough estimation, two Evan Bournes can fit in one Batista with significant room left over in the vessel to house an undeserved sense of entitlement. On the other hand, Bourne is an innovative high flier who has injected new life in Extreme Championship Wrestling. In the past, I watched ECW on Sci-Fi at the highest possible volume out of habit. For a long while, they were the official soundtrack to my Kegel exercises (until I found myself a Kegelmaster 2000 and a copy of WWE - The Music: Volume 4). On the third hand, Bourne does not fit the mold of past WWE greats. In ECW, Bourne is at a grave disadvantage for he is not a lumbering big man with negative charisma, nor is he an overly tanned women with poor coordination. On the fourth hand, Evan Bourne's in-ring act is clean, crisp, and fresh. On the fifth hand, I have too many hands. Where do I get these hands? I cannot reveal my sources.
Whether WWE admires Evan Bourne or not, he is the reason why you should tune into Extreme Championship Wrestling. I don't care what you do in order to view this program. Without question, just do whatever it takes to watch. Punch a police officer with his own fist. Ride an urban prostitute on a winding road in the countryside. Knife fight with a tired baby in the confines of your local Thunderdome. Before you go to jail for these nefarious activities, bare witness to Evan Bourne's glorious Shooting Star Press. I'm not positive that his Shooting Star Press can cure world diseases, but I think it did solve the oil crisis a bit when I was not looking. Truly, Bourne's Shooting Star Press is beneficial for our lives. For couples who continue to struggle to have children, try the Shooting Star Press on each other and see whose shooting star presses where. For elementary school children with disabilities in reading comprehension, visit the Sylvan Learning Centre and Shooting Star Press a book until it reads and comprehends itself. For faithless individuals who seek a glimmer of hope, have a friend or loved one curl himself or herself into a ball. When he or she shoots across the sky, you can wish upon him or her.
Manu is Umaga
Like Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and Randy Orton, three men who only wear shirts with fancy, Olde English fonts, Manu is a second-generation WWE Superstar. In today's industry, second generation wrestlers are all the rage. Every company craves second generation talent on their roster. Second-generation talent are number one on every wrestling promoters' Christmas wish lists. As a promotion, you are not cool until you have a piece of that second-generation pie. Next to the tiny dog in the gigantic purse, second-generation wrestlers are the ultimate fashion statement. In the year 2008, second-generation superstars are the Pogs of WWE.
As the son of Afa, one-half of the legendary Wild Samoans, Manu is ready for his time in the spotlight. Even though Manu has the talent to succeed in the business, wrestling ability alone cannot break the glass ceiling. Thankfully, Manu understood that he needed an eye-catching, marketable look to compliment his natural skills. Therefore, Manu underwent an Extreme Makeover: Umaga Edition. For this Extreme Makeover, Manu received black, knee-high tights, Samoan tribal ink, shoeless feet that look like black wrestling boots, and a new recreation room with its own private theatre.
I am a well-known fan of Samoans who double as bulldozers, but even I think World Wrestling Entertainment should not have two superstars whose appearances suggest a tendency for Samoan bulldozing. According to my eyes, Manu is not Umaga. If I close my eyes for a year, Manu is still not Umaga. Manu is a Samoan Julia Roberts before he is Umaga. Do Vince McMahon and WWE think they can dress Manu in Umagan ring gear and pass him off as Umaga while the true bulldozer is on the injury shelf? Unlike most wrestling fans, I cannot be fooled. Go ahead and play the Umaga Shell Game with me. Put Umaga inside one of the shells, mix Umaga with two fake Umagas under two other shells, then ask me to pick out the real Umaga. One thousand times out of nine hundred and ninety-nine times, I will choose the right shell. Your contrived carnival games amuse me. Of course, the real Umaga is the one with the "Samoa" tattoo on his stomach. Manu is the one who does not need permanent abdominal text to inform other people of his ethnicity. He prefers to use the newfangled concept of telling others that he is Samoan:
Manu :"Hey, everyone. I'm Samoan. Feel my head. Grope the bumps on my skull. Don't be a stranger. My head is not soft." Everyone: "You are correct in your claim, mocha-skinned sir. Can I finish sleeping with my wife now?"
World Tag Team Championship Match Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase vs. PM Dawn
Fellows don't price us Fellows don't price us Set on a quest to beat the championship best of you
We took your titles, and we're sorry for that Thank goodness you took them back We found two strapping men with two golden straps We couldn't help it, we challenged you to a match We think it's one of those two-on-two things In which a partner has to hold on to a string Any possibility that we make amends? We don't know, maybe we could be best friends
You're as unforgiving as a Pay-Per-View But we're hoping you could learn to love us To like us is a must Until we can meet again to try and earn your trust We often wonder what makes you so swell We guess you got your talent from the development well You were struggling on the training ground First we lost you, but now you're found
We recall when two you came up Greener than green, but skilled enough We said, "You'll make it 'cause you're second generation, then you'll look over us toiling in the basement." That will be true though, we can't lie That's a fact we can't deny But be kind on your way to the top You borrowed our hearts, now call the cops
Fellows don't price us Fellows don't price us Set on a quest to beat the championship best of you
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
On September 29th, The Swerved celebrates its two-year anniversary. Alert the Coast Guard.
This November, how will you "Smackdown Your Vote"? Until this year, Candice Michelle and Batista did not know how to Smackdown Their Vote. Sadly, they spent most of lives "Monday Night RAWing" their vote. For obvious reasons, "Monday Night RAWing" your vote does not count in the blue states. If you plan to vote for the next President of the United States by initiating a lengthy feud with a voting booth, be prepared for disappointment. Yes, you could have an arm wrestling match with a voting booth, but that is not how you vote for a cause, nor is it the most proficient method to vote for a person. Also, you could attempt to have a push-up contest with the booth à la Triple H and Scott Steiner. Then again, voting booths don't have arms. At least, voting booths used to have arms until I showed up on the scene. Now these booths must shield their single arms from my double-arm attacks. In the gentleman's game of one-upmanship, I defeat voting booths every time. Thank you for blessing me with two arms, Arm Fairy.
In 2008, voting will be hard work. If I was an American, I wouldn't know which party to pick. In my opinion, both parties look fun. I want to attend both parties in my Kenzo Suzuki Underoos and watch the 2004 Great American Bash ten times over. The Democratic Party has celebrities, Bill Clinton, and the colour blue. The Republican Party has old people, older people, and the colour red. For the Democrats, you have a Senator from Illinois who sort of sounds like The Rock. On the negative side, his middle name is Hussein. Man, I hate that name so much. Hussein Fitzgerald, my elementary school gym teacher, is an enemy of mine. What a poor elementary school gym teacher, he was. Half-court basketball in an empty gym, Mr. Fitzgerald? What were you thinking? For the Republicans, you have a war hero who never gives people enough crinkle-cut fries when they need them. On the plus side, a good-looking version of Peggy Hill supports him in his race to become the best frozen food manufacture in all the world. Although, this woman doesn't bring many crinkle-cut fries to the fry-depleted table.
In the end, the choice may be easy for you. Perhaps you are a 21st century hippy who drives a hybrid wagon made out of recyclable hemp and rainbows. Perhaps you prefer to visit the Arctic and shoot polar bears in the face. If you fall into one of these two categories, do not read this piece further. To be honest, I do not want to affiliate myself with such folk. Unlike hippies, I am a fan of soap. Plus, in my spare time, I use polar bears for short-distance transportation. Polar bears are soft and have direct access to Coca-Cola products.
For those of you young Americans who remain on the pointy, voting fence, I have fantastic news. Of course, I am not from your great country. I cannot bleed red, white, and blue for my blood is bald eagle deficient. Despite my inability to exist in America as an American, I wish to will my way to permanent American citizenship. This week, I will force my mother to go back in time, move to the United States, give birth to me, move back to Canada, then go forward in time. Why? With your vote and the backing of Pope Todd Grisham and the newly formed Swervic Party, I will become the next President of the United States of America. Move over, qualified candidates with real-world experience. I am ready to rule you with a jewel-encrusted fist.
Stephen Rivera's Qualifications
As the nominee of the Swervic Party for the office of the President of the United States, Stephen Rivera and his running mate, Pope Todd Grisham, have an absurd amount of qualifications. Through this abundance of qualifications, Rivera, Grisham and the Swervic Party want to build a sturdy and aesthetically pleasing dam to house the country's Swervesociates. If qualifications remain after the production of this dam, the Rivera Administration will proceed to build poorly constructed announce tables for all three WWE broadcasts.
Notable Qualifications: - Stephen Rivera once used the Master Lock, the finishing move of former WWE Superstar Chris Masters, to successfully secure his bicycle to a bicycle rack. - Stephen Rivera predicted the Montreal Screwjob when it was known as "The Montreal Screwhobby." - Pope Todd Grisham has glasses. - Pope Todd Grisham is a pope. - Stephen Rivera is pro-gun, but anti-bullets. If you haven't killed a man with bubbles, you haven’t lived. - If Stephen Rivera unzip his pants in Canada, at least one part of his body crosses the United States border.
The Swervic Vision
The Swervic Party is dedicated to keeping Swerved Nation safe from Batista's Pit of Danger. The Swervic Party does not want you to walk for miles in said dangerous pit in order to preserve enough energy to welcome and allow weapons into World Wrestling Entertainment matchups. That commitment is reflected in an agenda that emphasizes the strength of our growing nation, clever comedic parody, affordable health care for my pet lizard named Dragon "The Ricky" Steamboat, retirement security for wrestlers who don't know what retirement means, a government that hosts Brawl For Alls in the parking lot of a Sears, and civil rights for two-thirds of X-Factor. Sorry, Justin Credible. I never got what I wanted. I'm never going to get that back.
The Swervic Agenda
The Swervic Party has a flawless plan to form a secure and proficient America. We seek:
1) Semi: Primo Colon's forgotten brother 2) Chris Jericho's serious business suit for serious leisure time 3) William Regal's man blouse maker 4) Rey Mysterio's broken spirit that has been repaired by millions of dollars in merchandise revenue 5) DVD Pay-Per-View Anthologies without blur 6) A peanut butter ladder for Jim Ross' chocolate ladder to create the ultimate Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Ladder 7) What R-Truth designates as "up" 8) A Network TV that one can possess 9) An upside down, ceiling-mounted wrestling ring to Heaven 10) Energy independence
The Swervic Strategy
The Swervic Party is committed to victory in forty-nine states. To accommodate the party's alternative methods, Alaska and Hawaii must work together to form a powerful, humanoid robot state that wields some type of metallic battle axe. We're getting started for the future victory parade right now with a massive effort. We're using the state's top rope for leverage during abdominal stretches, low blowing the other parties behind the referee's back, and prematurely leaving each state during the contest to spark interest in a moneymaking, Pay-Per-View rematch with both major parties.
What is the Swervic Party's ultimate goal? Forty-nine states of loyal Swervesociates, brought together to form an omnipotent, indestructible, humanoid robot state that wields some type of golden battle axe while it dances like Alex Wright in a crowded, sweaty German discotheque.
The Swervic Party Platform
The Swervic Party does not necessarily care for representing, respecting, and protecting the interests of hardworking Americans. Deep down in the darkest of bellies, the Swervic Party despises the interests of hardworking Americans. Does the party come to your two-storey outhouse and tell you how to raise your bratty tax deductions? Does the party visit your workplace and tell you how to exotically strip for diminutive Japanese businessman with mommy issues? In the middle of the night, does the Swervic Party sneak into bedroom and make out with your wife while she sleeps? No, the Swervic Party does not commit any of these actions (on a frequent basis). Since the Swervic Party doesn't tell hardworking Americans how to do their jobs, hardworking Americans should not tell the Swervic Party what to do.
The Swervic Party in Action
On September 2, 2008, the Rivera Campaign and the Swervic National Committee unveiled "American, Not Americannot: The Swervic Platform for Swerving," a trailblazing initiative to include American wrestling fans in our platform process.
In total, one million meetings were held with one person in attendance per meeting from 4:33 PM to 4:37 PM. Americans stood by themselves in empty warehouses, bathroom stalls, dentist offices, skate parks, utility closets, fruit trucks, ninja training facilities, and conference rooms to engage in a thorough discussion about the Swervic Party's unexplained absence. At one meeting, an attendee thought Stephen Rivera had arrived to take out the garbage, only to find out that the individual in question was the cleaning lady.
"This was an informative meeting. I learned about myself and the lives of others. In the back of the room, a large potted plant from California showed up. Towards the end of the meeting, the plant fainted. I wasn't sure what to do. I thought it was dead. As I gave the plant mouth-to-roots resuscitation, I found out it was just fake. I am grateful to the Swervic Party for this opportunity to get to first base with one of the nation's greatest ornamental plants. I was safe at first base for sure, if you know what I mean." - Poughkeepsie, New York
"Hey, is that Stephen Rivera, the leader of the Swervic Party? Why is he emptying the garbage? Is this the beginning of the Emptying Garbage Initiative? I am a part of history. Somebody mention me in a textbook before it's too late." - Portland, Oregon
"The meeting in a stranger’s backyard was a tremendous success. One out of one of us in attendance had never visited that stranger's backyard before. Within the first few minutes, we were giddy and started backyard wrestling with ourselves. We moonsaulted on a bag of fertilizer, then used a cheese grater on our back.
As a group of one, we recognize that our role in the upcoming election will not involve moonsaulting fertilizer bags or grating our backs to make human cheese for cannibals. Although, we appreciate the fact that the Rivera Campaign took the time and effort to not show up to or exert physical effort for their cause. We are thankful for the chance to backyard wrestle with ourselves in front of zero fans. After the meeting, we believe we are ready for a new President. Out of the three main choices, Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party is definitely 'a choice.'" - Dover, Delaware
"From all one of our attendees, all felt an overwhelming sense of patriotic pride and loneliness. When the meeting ended, we were happy to play Solitaire in our one-bedroom apartments. In between games, we ate cold fish sticks through the tears. One day, maybe Trish Stratus can return, fall in love with us, and buy us a working microwave with her love. We want a woman and or cooked fish sticks." - Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania
"I seriously thought that cleaning lady was Stephen Rivera. Are you sure that wasn’t him? Well, that was one handsome cleaning lady." - Portland, Oregon
Thank you to each and every person who took the time out of their busy schedules to stand around. Congratulations to the fortunate few who realized that even though Stephen Rivera, Pope Todd Grisham, and the Swervic Party could not attend the meetings in person, they were there in spirit, waiting for the hot tag. Under the Rivera Administration, look for these meetings to continue until one and one-half people decide to attend.
Take Action with the Swervic Party in Action
This November, the Swervic Party cannot succeed on its own. In 2008, the Swervic Party will be your Shawn Michaels. Can you be the party’s Marty Jannetty? As one, we shall travel across America on a cross-country tour of barbershop windows. After that tour concludes, let's hope one of us becomes a legend. At this time of year, Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party require a well-lit terrarium with plenty of food and water. Furthermore, Stephen Rivera only eats and drinks money. Go ahead and throw your wallet into a blender to prepare a dollar bill purée. Don’t be afraid to grind spare change to make a pot of coffee that tastes like dirty hands and nickel. Do your part to bring Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party to the office of the President of the United States today.
How to Take Action: - Volunteer your organs to the Swervic Party. The party may need these organs later to build a powerful yet misunderstood monster who throws a little girl in a lake, mistaking her buoyancy to that of a pretty summer flower. - Register to vote for the Swervic Party. You cannot vote for the Swervic Party in the 2008 United States Presidential Election if you do not register. Vote or die or live and not vote. A Swervic Party victory will ensure the construction of a DQ in the honour of every disqualification, the isolation of a Hell in every Cell, and a shameless pat on the back in every "Did You Know?" segment on WWE television. - Send your mascot suggestions to the Swervic Party Headquarters. The Democratic Party has a donkey. The Republican Party has an elephant. So far, the Swervic Party's mascot is Stephanie McMahon's onscreen dog Lucy in an old-fashioned gentleman's costume. She's dressed for the opera, but would rather have a biscuit. - Call your local radio stations and inform them about Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party. Forget about free tickets to the Fig Newton Expo and spread the gospel. The lack of heated, talk radio discussions about professional wrestling analysts who run for office disturbs the Swervic Party. Breaker Breaker Jethro and Reverend PoPo of the Wakey-Breaky Morning Crew on 99.4 WOWO FM must get with the program. - Sign petitions to make the Swerved Party the sole political party of your United States. Like WWE, Stephen Rivera strives for a monopoly so he does not have to do work or entertain you anymore. - Go to the circus and steal their clown cars. The Swervic Party bets that clowns are planning something wicked and terrorlicious in that clown car. How could they not? Fifty clowns come out of that one car. They're not having a tea party in that clown car.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you don't understand the concept of this site. I'm sorry Shawn Michaels kicked you in the face that one time. The papers, the papers flew everywhere.
AND
I'm just doing karate to try to get females pregnant.
Swerved Nation; lend me your ears. Nebraska, lend me your ears at midnight. After I finish this piece, we shall have corn on the cob and slow dance the night away with corn pieces stuck between our teeth. Once upon a time on a moonlight dreary, I was like each and every wrestling fan in the world. I get you. For the most part, I care for you. I know you’re scared of women. I want to help you face your fear.
Of course, women look and smell rather pretty. When they speak to you, you probably have no clue how to reply. As a fan of sports entertainment, perhaps you respond by hitting her in the chest with a steel chair. In a panic, maybe you take that woman to the Empire State Building, grab her beautiful mane of strawberry blonde hair, and chokeslam her from the top of that very building to the fiery depths of the New York underworld. Despite what you believe, I can‘t done such infantile behaviour. A big fat “no” to the chair shot to the milk factories, and a double “no” to the attempted undertaking of a lady whose sweet nothings remind you a pleasant summer breeze. I am not from your United Station of the Americas, but I am positive that these acts are not legal in fifty of your fifty states. Even if you created a fifty-first state, that state would question your methods of seduction.
Sooner or later, you must cope with the presence of attractive women in wrestling. Wherever you go, you cannot avoid them. They are in your kitchen cupboards, putting lipstick marks all over the rims of your Disneyland 50th Anniversary Mug Collection. They are in your rain gutters, bumping and grinding against clumps of soggy leaves. These women are under your messy bed, in the company of your discount XFL merchandise. Go, New York/New Jersey Hitmen, go. You are tremendous football-playing assassins who are unsure about your exact area of residence.
Now and forever, women on the wrestling scene is a given. If the WWE Divas are not leaving Stamford anytime soon, what makes you think that the Knockouts of TNA will? They don't have any prior commitments. They don’t need to spend their lives making bathroom visits in pairs. These ladies in their clown makeup wish to make a revolutionary splash in the professional wrestling pool. In the end, you cannot stop them from doing so.
This week, the women of TNA get their chance to shine on The Swerved. Shine on, you total nonstop diamonds in the Orlando, Florida rough. On this site, you have one shot to make it big. Don't screw your opportunity up by posing for Playboy or marrying Billy Kidman so he can play video games all day on an episode of Cribs. If you dare show your personality and talent, you're through. Express your opinion and I will not invite you to a session of passionate lovemaking inside my analytic fort. You're going to mess up my pillow drawbridge. Don't touch my dragon fashioned out of old doilies. I critique professional wrestling in that fort. I can't let unworthy people enter my fort without clearance.
Angelina Love & Velvet Sky
Former WWE developmental talent Angel Williams is Angelina Love. Former independent wrestling star Talia Madison comes to you as Velvet Sky. Together, they are The Beautiful People, a tandem of egotistical, snooty prima donnas who have no time for the hideous and humble. To shame their opponents, the team drapes paper bags -- decorated with crudely drawn, beautiful faces -- over their heads. Note to self and others: the next time you visit the supermarket, remember that beautiful people use paper bags, not plastic bags that can poetically dance in the wind.
As a group, I can't help but dig Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. For the first time in wrestling, I have female equals to admire and support in the form of The Beautiful People. Finally, I am not the only beautiful person associated with the industry. I feel so alive. I can breathe again. Don't let TNA television stop you from enjoying this charismatic act. You can get through two hours of unwatchable television for ten minutes of quality character work. Believe in yourself and you can achieve it yourself, friend. Out of all the blonde bimbos in wrestling today, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky stand out from the bland crowd. Sure, Angelina Love frightens me at times for her skin resembles a slab of overcooked bacon. Plus, Velvet Sky's lower back tattoo is a gaudy, artistic abomination. Nevertheless, overcooked bacon is better than no bacon at all. And lower back tattoos are better than lower back bacon.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "If you're so beautiful, how come you're not part of The Beautiful People?" To tell you the truth, I don't want to be a member of The Beautiful People because I'm an integral part of The Mega Hot Man Candy Brigade. If you don’t believe me, my manly tennis bracelet says so. My apologies, Angelina and Velvet.
Awesome Kong & Raisha Saeed
After several weeks with the promotion, the men and women behind the scenes changed the name of former TNA Knockout Women's Champion Amazing Kong to Awesome Kong. Apparently, the word amazing is not good enough for them, which is a logical and fair statement. For me, TNA stands for Total Nonstop Awesome. Whenever I tune into Impact, their exhilarating brand of in-your-face wrestling perplexes me. Am I watching a national wrestling program on Spike TV, or a live feed from the heavens above? Either way, I refuse change the channel on this digital goodness. Spike TV is my entertainment hook-up. On Thursday nights, I cannot rest until I get MANswers to life's biggest MASCULINquests.
In the future, I worry for Awesome Kong. For one, I worry that Kong will eat me whole in my sleep. For two, Kong can only womanhandle her female opponents for so long as the reigning monster of the Knockouts Division before her act grows tiresome. Don't tell me that Raisha Saeed, a cloaked cheerleader with a borderline offensive, Middle Eastern accent can keep Kong fresh for years to come. In that instance, you are incorrect in a spectacular fashion. As of late, the promotion chooses to tease feuds between Kong and male wrestlers like Abyss because they are aware that Kong is not so awesome anymore. Once they pull trigger with an intergender singles matchup, consider Awesome Kong done. Her father, Donkey Kong, will be displeased. I hope Mike Tenay and Don West know the general location of that hammer.
Christy Hemme
From her debut in the 2004 WWE Diva Search all the way to her emergence in TNA as the gifted lead singer of the Rock 'n Rave Infection, I have been an avid follower of Christy Hemme. So far, I am proud of Christy’s numerous accomplishments. I think of Christy Hemme as the ambitious younger sister I used to have until my parents traded her for a better looking sibling and a pet to be named later. When Christy's butt was hungry, she fed it. When Trish Stratus defeated Christy at WrestleMania 21, she survived. When Christy told me that Samoa Joe was coming up right after the break, I believed her. At this point in her career, Christy can't go wrong. May she continue to look like a poorly rendered Guitar Hero character on her journey to the summit of TNA Mountain.
With years of wrestling experience under her wrestling belt, Christy has the tools to be a future title contender. A superstar is what you are, Hemme. She has the pipes and the microphone to succeed. In addition, I assume Christy has a microphone stand somewhere in her home. With those three tools in her possession, what else does Christy need:? Wrestling ability? What are you talking about? Speak English. In North America, North Americans speak English, or Spanish, or French, or another prevalent language. Teach yourself one of those languages and get back to me with that question. You dang foreigners with your crazy talk. Stop taking the jobs that we don't want to do.
Karen Angle
As the wife of Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle and the loving mother of Kyra, Kody, and little-known son Tri, Karen is a busy mom on the TNA go. She does not have time to entertain fans or entice them to follow the TNA product. Like all mothers of America, she has a show to do. She has elegant dresses to wear. For no clear reason, she must scream and fight with others. With her talk show entitled Karen's Angle, she is the professional wrestling equivalent to Oprah Winfrey, except the only prizes that Karen gives away to her viewers is a hefty burlap sack of nothing. One day, my hefty burlap sack of nothing should turn into a brand new convertible. I can sense it.
Karen Angle's Karen's Angle is the best talk show on television. Her interviews with Frankie Kazarian, Tomko, and Abyss are candid, thought-provoking pieces that teach wrestling fans about each other, and about themselves. Don't go to school anymore, kids. Watch Karen's Angle and you will receive your Bachelor's Degree in Winning Life.
Are you afraid of cotton balls or old people? Do you think your out-of-control teen has too much sex for money, or not enough sex for money? Do you want to find out whether or not one of three-hundred Caucasian men is the father of your African-American baby?. If you live in the Orlando Area, Karen Angle wants to hear from you. Call TNA for details.
Jacqueline
To the delight of TNA fans, Jacqueline sports a straw cowboy hat. Once in a while, Jacqueline stands behind "Cowboy" James Storm with a bottle of beer. On a weekly basis, Jacqueline competes in reverse and inverse battle royals. In conclusion, TNA's Miss Jacqueline is the bee's anterior and posterior cruciate knee ligaments. I bet Jacqueline is ecstatic to be free from the constrictive shackles of World Wrestling Entertainment. I hope TNA never lets her become champion, referee, talk, or do anything of note again to show WWE what they have lost. Jacqueline is a goner, WWE. Are you sad? I wish to taste Vince McMahon's tears of sadness. I want to slurp up those sad tears with a silver spoon.
Jacqueline is a seasoned veteran. In other words, Jacqueline sprinkles mixed herbs over herself to give her special wrestling abilities. While that gives Jacqueline an unfair advantage over the knockouts who do not cover themselves with seasoning, I don't think TNA should keep her away from Impact. Don't be shy, Action Team. Let Jacqueline show you why Tennessee is "The Volunteer State." Let Jacqueline volunteer to become a meaningless character before you transform her into one.
Lauren Brooke
The disappearance of Crystal Louthan from TNA programming leaves me shocked, depressed, and somewhat thirsty. I require a pitcher of Classic Orange Crystal Light, post haste. Even though Crystal did not blow me away during her stint with the company, she did impress me as a class act. To my pleasant surprise, Crystal was an adequate and articulate backstage interviewer who built a rare rapport with a majority of the TNA roster. Unlike the WWE's lacklustre roster of female interviewers, Crystal did her job well. In comparison to Crystal's interview skills, I doubt Lauren Brooke will manage to outdo her segments. I predict Lauren will be the unwanted muffin bottom to Crystal's intriguing muffin top.
In order to learn about this Lauren Brooke, I used my life savings to hire research team called “The Brooke Initiative.” Two months and twenty billion dollars later, the team informs me that Lauren Brooke is an accomplished commercial model and former member of the USA National Bikini Team. What a small world. The other week, I chose to file restraining orders on every current and past member of the USA National Bikini Team. That National Bikini Team won't stop phoning me. I hear you girls, heavy-breathing on the other line. Stop this tomfoolery. I can see you in my bathroom window while I shower. No, I will not let you shower with me. I'm not wasting time to clean both of us. Cleanse your own toned selves.
ODB
With Gail Kim's departure to WWE, ODB becomes the automatic centerpiece of the TNA Knockouts Division. In response, I say nay, TNA. My horsies can back me up on this matter. In this case, I am on the side of the ODB doubters. ODB resembles a female version of Steve Austin, if Stone Cold was a one-dimensional character who could not stop grabbing his crotch, groping his pectorals, drinking alcohol from a flask, and kicking his leg in the air. When ODB invents a new way to convey her brash, no holds barred attitude, I will reconsider my stance. Until I become a supporter of this woman, I shall stand on my glorious pedestal, not grabbing my crotch, not groping my pectorals, not drinking alcohol from a flask, and not kicking my leg in the air.
For the sake of charm schools everywhere, ODB must learn how to act like a lady. She must learn how balance a book on her head while she walks in high heels. She must know how to sit on a chair and cross her legs. Most of all, ODB needs to wear pants suits. If ODB wants to win the public over with her feminine charms, she will have to adorn her muscular, tattooed body in not one, not two, but twenty pant suits.
While ODB may not appreciate my stance on her, I am not afraid to face her wrath. In fact, I challenge ODB to come to my palatial estate in Swerved City for a round of bare-knuckle boxing. In preparation for the battle, I will grow a prominent handlebar mustache. Next, I will dress myself in a peppermint-striped singlet. Then, I will lift a dumbbell that reads "100 lbs." in a cartoonish font over my head. After my preparation is complete, we shall see who is the real knockout. Put up your dukes, Brumhilda. I'm taking you to Parts Unknown.
Roxxi Laveaux
When a low-rent voodoo queen who backs the misogynistic BG and Kip James turns into a bald, no-nonsense punk, wresting fans should take notice. You see, low-rent voodoo queens who back the misogynistic BG and Kip James don't always turn into bald, no-nonsense punks. Some low-rent voodoo queens who back the misogynistic BG and Kip James do not follow the chosen, predictable path of other low-rent voodoo queens who back the misogynistic BG and Kip James. One low-rent voodoo queen who backs the misogynistic BG and Kip James might decide to run for governor, while the other low-rent voodoo queen who backs the misogynistic BG and Kip James might stop gyrating for her own benefit in order to start a gyrating family.
Whether you are a fan of WWE or TNA, I urge you to pay attention to Roxxi Laveaux. Do not let Roxxi fade into the darkness of the undercard. Push her to the moon and beyond, TNA Creative Team. Push her until you cannot push her anymore. Push down on her bald head until bright blue Play-Doh emerges from her follicles like thin spaghetti strands. As one, we shall shape these thin spaghetti strands into the best inedible pasta known to modern man. With the assistance of Roxxi Laveaux's Play-Doh Fun Factory, we will dine like high-rent, voodoo kings and queens. Huzzah.
Roxxi has no hair. Roxxi has no drapes. Please support her so she may attain enough money to purchase two wigs for her upper and lower body. She might enjoy her lack of hair in the summer, but once winter arrives, she will be sorry. She will be cold everywhere.
Rhaka Khan
If I pretend I am living in the 1980s, I get a kick out of the name Rhaka Khan and her lanky, sassy Amazonian shtick. On the other hand, I am not living in the 1980s. Therefore, I do not care for the name Rhaka Khan and find her shtick quite underwhelming. I will never understand why creative teams in this business love to base performers' names off of famous celebrities and athletes from the past. Total Nonstop Action gives you Rhaka Khan, a blatant reference to soul singer Chaka Khan. World Wrestling Entertainment has Kenny Dykstra and Bam Neely, subtle homages to baseball player Lenny Dykstra and hockey player Cam Neely. If a wrestler's moniker rhymes with another person's name, am I supposed to automatically adore that wrestler? If a company debuts a wrestler named Kelvin Kederline, does that performer become a world champion on the spot? I wish with the wishing power of infinite wishbones.
In TNA, Rhaka Khan serves a definite purpose, albeit a minor one. She assists Petey Williams in his quest to succeed as the sane version of Scott Steiner. The wrestling industry requires a strong fitness model to ensure that a sane version of Scott Steiner succeeds. Without that type of supporter, the insane version of Scott Steiner shall rise from the fiery ashes and rule this Earth. In victory, he shall beat his sunken chest until it sinks further into his rib cage. He shall utter incomprehensible insults into microphones until his threats become the official, inspired soundtrack of your existence.
Salinas
What do a crazy, upside down chick and a Latin American valet have in common? Do they have the same kind of travel insurance? I’m not sure. I have never been asked such a question in my entire life. You ask difficult questions for a wrestling fan with a replica championship belt around your waist and two championship belts over your shoulders. I am stumped. You must be the triple crown champion of difficult questions. If I had to guess, both women say, "Come on!" in an encouraging manner at ringside. Seriously, come on, Kevin Thorn. Come on, Homicide and Hernandez. Why are you three not coming on? In the TNA film cut of A Christmas Carol, Salinas says, "Come on, God. Bless everyone already."
Millions of fans criticize Salinas for her comically fake bosom. In my opinion, her bosom is far from fake. Her bosom is not a scripted, choreographed bosom. I feel sorry for those of you who believe Salinas' ample protuberances are fake. Real busts on television should poke your eyes out from the comfort of your own home. Real busts should have their own mayor. Show me proof that Salinas is not 100% real and I will tell you the best kept secret of professional wrestling: in the ring, wrestlers prefer to wrestle.
Taylor Wilde
Taylor Wilde, otherwise known as WWE development castoff Shantelle Taylor, is the current TNA Knockout Women's Champion. In her first match with the company, Wilde took on and defeated the mighty Awesome Kong for the title. Say what you must about the TNA Knockout Women's Championship. Be my guest to mock the tacky appearance of the white strap, or the unflattering sheen of the face plate. In a battle between the women’s title in TNA and the two titles in WWE, the TNA belt is more prestigious. Whereas the ladies of TNA compete in an exciting division for female supremacy and bragging rights, the WWE Divas fight for bathroom break supremacy or the rights to a gigantic, pink and silver butterfly. Hey, I like butterflies as much as the next five-year-old girl, but I would not sacrifice my body for one. I would buy a net, walk out my front door, and start swinging instead. In lieu of a butterfly net, I would pick up a caterpillar from the ground and wait. In a few weeks, a championship belt in the shape of a butterfly should emerge from a cocoon.
In my opinion, Taylor Wilde can be the future of women’s wrestling, if only her surname could be translated into a series of shameful, unimaginative puns. Seriously, what can you do with a surname like Wilde? What a useless surname. That surname does not even relate to an English word with similar spelling. Total Nonstop Action loses out again.
Traci Brooks
At her peak, Traci Brooks was the vivacious Ms. Brooks, Robert Roode's unwilling, subservient manager. When Roode left Team Canada to become "TNA's Hottest Free Agent," he searched the wrestling land for a proven, legendary ally to side with his Curt Hennig/Rick Rude hybrid self. At the time, Roode had several options. Mister Viagra himself Shane Douglas could have been Roode's manager. Robert could have chosen Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, the former manager of the great Andre the Giant. Even the late Sherri Martel, Shawn Michaels’ original entrance theme singer, could have led Robert Roode to superstardom. At the end of the day, Roode picked the most legendary manager of all: Traci Brooks. Next to the physical WWE Hall of Fame in our collective imagination stands the Traci Brooks Hall of Fame. In that storied building, you shall find a video vault that features ten-second loops of Traci enthusiastically jogging down the ramp to the tune of an Aerosmith rip-off song.
Because Total Nonstop Action never provides Traci with substantial screen time, I am unable to critique her wrestling and promo skills in a fair manner. From the brief snippets I have seen, she appears to be competent, but her "Pie in the Sky" finisher puts her in-ring credibility into question. To those of you who admire her "work," stop touting you're underlying admiration for her. Look, I understood you the first time -- all of you are mouth-breathing perverts. Now put on a clean pair of underwear and act normal for a change. Families are trying to eat their dinner.
