In the wrestling community, few authority figures are as respected and revered as promoter Dixie Carter. When people aren't confusing her with the late actress who starred in Designing Women, they are praising Dixie for her business savvy and wrestling knowledge. Among my peers, she is known as a M.I.L.F.O.T.S. (Mother I'd Like to Feature on the Site) due to her astounding level of success in the personal and professional world. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is lucky to have such a vibrant and lovely woman at the helm. Jeff Jarrett did nothing for me, but I am sure he is vibrant and lovely to someone.
So far, every executive decision made by Dixie Carter has altered TNA for the better. Bringing in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to work their creative and productive juices into the promotion brought TNA back to the good old days of early 2000 WCW. Briefly moving TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights as a means to compete with WWE RAW encouraged viewers to appreciate the value of watching the show on Thursdays. The signing of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair served as a grim yet necessary reminder of our own mortality. With TNA Pay-Per-View buy rates hovering at and around the range of five glorious figures, Dixie deserves most if not all the credit.
Lately, certain gutless analysts have criticized Dixie Carter's unorthodox views and opinions about the wrestling industry and life in general. For some inexplicable reason, these critics have even gone as far to attack her Twitter posts — which they believe contain cryptic and passive-aggressive messages directed toward them. Although I strongly disagree with these so-called critics, I have decided to analyze the posts for myself to determine what Dixie actually wishes to communicate. Once I complete this process, I shall prove that these attackers are nothing more than uneducated slanderers.
Regular folk should be glad that Dixie is willing to take time out of her busy schedule and interact with them. She could be doing something more productive, such as manufacture a popular brand of paper cups or collect bananas with her boyfriend Diddy in his Kong Quest, but she chose to speak with you. I wish I could be like Dixie and interact with my fanbase, but I am currently in a legal battle with a foolish man. He claims to be me, owns a Twitter account in my name, and managed to link my site to his account without my knowledge or consent. If he wasn't so attractive, funny, and charming, I would be furious.
In this post, an exhausted Dixie Carter claims that a TNA Adrenaline Rush is better than sleep. Eight hours spent lying comfortably on a mattress is no match for two hours spent watching 1,000 tourists enjoy air conditioning at the same time. Too bad those sweaty dudes flipping at each other in the foreground don't get to cool off for a bit. Truly, it's no wonder why TNA has so many storylines and feuds based on unexpected betrayal. Nobody would need to tire themselves out and get sweaty if every member of the TNA roster decided not to form a tag team.
While this message is fairly positive, Dixie's reference to a midnight "MTG" is clearly a shot at passionate, collectible card gamers. For those of you who prefer to play Magic: The Gathering in the daytime, Dixie is having none of it. Like other cool people who are not lame nerds, she prefers acquiring mana at around 12:00 a.m. in the morning. She's not going to cast spells at brunch. Get at her.
This time, Dixie is happy to inform the loyal fans of TNA that the sport of soccer and football are one in the same. Although American football is arguably the most popular sport in the country, Dixie is the only woman who understands the true form of football. In particular, she knows that actual football involves the use of a body part known as the foot. In a future post, I expect Dixie to tell these fans where that part is located on the body. International stars already know the foot's exact location, but is Brother Ray aware? Since he is not an international star, I doubt it.
According to this post, Bubba Ray is likely the only American soccer fan on the TNA roster. Despite USA's strong showing at the World Cup, I assume Bubba's fandom got the best of him. When USA lost to Ghana, he must have felt as though the world was coming down upon him, specifically injuring his butt with the impact of fifty Bubba Bombs.
The recent release of TNA iMPACT! for the Playstation Portable and Nintendo DS excites Dixie muchly. On second thought, she seems a little too excited for a video game she might never play. Yesterday, I contacted a few inside sources in the industry. They told me that Dixie has another superstar signing to announce. If you are a fan of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may know UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre. Even though TNA does not have the money to sign him up for an appearance or two, you guys and gals are in for the next best thing. Any day now, get ready for the debut of Philippe St-Pierre — Georges St-Pierre's distant and estranged brother.
Georges St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Strangely enough, Philippe St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, too. Do not ask him where he got the belt, though. Just be content that Philippe is in possession of one until George can contact the authorities. After researching his name on Google, TNA fans should know that PSP is not only a trained mixed martial artist. During the weekends, he works part-time at a store that sells musical instruments. Nice. I can hear it now. Every time he wrestles, fans will be chanting for discount tubas.
Wait a Nashville, Tennessean minute, Dixie. Hold onto your delicate undergarments, lady. Dreamer's influence on TNA has been rather beneficial and entertaining, especially to me as I can now confirm that Rhyno, Raven, and Stevie Richards are alive and well. Nevertheless, do not get too hot and bothered in the pelvic region for Tommy Dreamer. Any twelve-year-old knows that when a girl says, "the more extreme the better," they are legally obligated to reply with the phrase, "That's what she said." The petals were plucked from your flower a long while ago, though that does not mean you should communicate your explicit thoughts on the Internet.
For goodness sake, you are the strong female figurehead of a national wrestling promotion. At least you salvaged this post by mentioning your flagship program by its appropriate name. If you didn't clarify what type of impact you meant, who knows what those twelve year olds would say? Maybe they could say, "You're anticipating an impact alright. An impact in your pants."
From now on, please keep suggestive thoughts to yourself.
For weeks, TNA fans tossed and turned in their TNA Adrenaline Rushes as D'Angelo Dinero dropped down the rankings. While I am happy that he has finally returned to keep himself in the Top 10, I do not share the same level of enthusiasm that Dixie conveys in this message. D'Angelo Dinero is a talented Pope, but I was hoping that Dixie was hinting at the debut of a second, injury-free Pope. I’m sorry to say that the durability of Popes in TNA has come into question. I highly doubt Dinero’s shoulder injury allowed him to keep his pimp hand strong. Many pimping Popes before him were forced to retire after suffering such ligament damage. Whose to say that Dinero will be any different?
When I refer to the possibility of signing a new Pope, I'm talking about big names such as Pope Benedict XVI or the real Pope (Todd Grisham). For all I know, Dixie could have been talking with Pope Todd Grisham, only to come out of those contact talks with nothing. Perhaps she shouldn't have offered to buy him a new robe. If I was Pope Todd Grisham, I would find that offer most insulting. His suit, glasses, and gelled hair are his robe. He may not condone sex before marriage, but he is all about the mousse.
As a female of United States citizenship, Dixie wishes that her fellow Americans and non-Americans can come together and safely use fireworks without setting each other aflame. Her humble admiration for the men and women who dedicate their lives to preserving American's freedom and independence tells me that she has been on a patriotic entertainment kick as of late. I think someone caught a late-night showing of Independence Day on cable and wants to join in on the fun.
In this scenario, Dixie Carter is Will Smith, welcoming aliens to Earth via punch to the face. Jeff Jarrett is Bill Pullman, flying his jet into the mothership to save the world. If Paul Heyman is about to join the company as rumours suggest, he can be Jeff Goldblum, making plans to fight the aliens while indecisively stammering. As for the aliens themselves, Vince McMahon and his family can step in for a cameo. To Triple H's dismay, Stephanie McMahon can play the alien who can only give birth to girls.
Mere hours after Dixie expressed her thoughts of the LOST series finale on Twitter, critics misread this post as an accurate and ironic reflection of her management style in TNA. In response to these critics, I believe they are missing the entire point of the message. Like the hopelessly lost characters of the hit ABC drama, Dixie and the TNA roster booked a flight with Oceanic Airlines. Before they could get to Los Angeles from Sydney, the aircraft broke in two, crash landing in Orlando, Florida. Ever since the accident, Dixie and TNA have wandered the terrain, unable to make much sense of anything.
Years ago, Frankie Kazarian constructed a bamboo raft and set sail for the calm waters of World Wrestling Entertainment. In the end, he found himself back in the strange land that is TNA. Obviously, the Impact Zone is a peculiar place with magical powers. One fateful day, Dixie may decide to return the six-sided cork back into the center of the Impact Zone. Until that time comes, she is left wondering if every promoter promotes alone.
After reading Dixie's posts, I feel as though I know her better than I know myself. For the most part, I have that feeling because my self refuses to return my calls. Regardless, Dixie Carter's messages have taught me enough about her to determine the mystery man, woman, or child behind the meeting. Since she mentioned that we will eventually meet this individual as well, I shall assume that the person in question does not live life as a hologram. Since she posted the message on July 8th, it is safe to say that the day of the meeting rules out anybody who was born on or after July 9th. The potential main event matchup between Samoa Joe and a July 9th baby of similar size and shape would make tons of money, but I doubt we'll get ever it.
With these facts in mind, I conclude that Dixie Carter encountered her future self. Future Dixie could have warned Present Dixie Carter of what would become of TNA if she wasn’t careful, but Future Dixie Carter did not want to alter destiny. In place of telling her what not to do, Future Dixie Carter and Present Dixie Carter ended up chatting about girl stuff. Future Dixie Carter told Present Dixie Carter about the evolution of the shawl and little else. Future Dixie Carter sounds like a time-travelling beyotch.
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