As most of you readers know, World Wrestling Entertainment and I have our disagreements. Sometimes, we settle our arguments with a mechanical bull riding competition. Other times, we fight to the death in a cage made of hate, but primarily steel. Despite our differences, we can always agree on one thing — children are great. You can't live with them, especially if you grabbed them off the playground and tried to raise them as your own. Also, you can't live without them, especially if you have forced them to financially support you by working as gophers in the Colombian drug trade.
Since kids are super cool, why should adult wrestling fans have all the WWE-related fun? Children love wearing black t-shirts featuring enormous and emotionless pictures of their favourite wrestlers on the front, too. The young ones enjoy attending autograph sessions to meet stars who enjoy feigning interest in them. When they're not visiting their local library to enrich their minds, these little lads and lasses can't get enough of reading obscure wrestling facts on the Internet. Thanks to WWE Kids, the promotion is beginning to understand that the entertainment needs of a child are as important as those of a grown man, woman, or person of androgynous persuasion.
Even though I am no longer a kid, I do remember what it was like living the carefree life of one. I remember such timeless activities as playing kickball on the field, picking up jacks in the alley, and setting up a clandestine lemonade stand in my parents' garage. Those sour fruit junkies sure dug their lemonade. They drank that lemonade until teeth started falling out of their mouths. Even then, they would continue to drink, using their remaining teeth to sift out any traces of pulp.
Using my life experiences as a regular, yacht club kid growing up in a gated community, I shall interact with WWE Kids's official website from a child's perspective. As I take off my analytic adult gloves, I shall put on my whimsical kid gloves and softly box the site to a no-decision. Afterwards, we will sip on the lemonade I made when I was younger. All I have to do is get in touch with my special flavour crystals supplier. I think his name was Skooter. He can hook me up with the good stuff. Capri Sun does not get the job done anymore.
The Superstars page at WWEKids.com seems fun at first, what with all the splatters and bright colours. Once you get underneath that surface, I think you'll be in for a surprise. When you get to the page, you have the option to hover your mouse over the picture of your favourite WWE Superstar and hear a sound bite. While some wrestlers have a snippet of their entrance theme, others come at you with a disturbing catchphrase. These are a few of the most offensive lines:
Undertaker: "And you will rest in peace."
Ted DiBiase: "We, uh, DiBiases... we have a habit of getting what we want."
Edge: "I am awesome."
MVP: "MVP. I'm half-man, half-amazing. I am better than you."
Cody Rhodes: "Cody. Rhodes."
I came to your site because I am child interested in WWE. When I arrive, I do not deserve death threats from a professional wrestler. I do not need to hear from people who are unsure or confused about their own identity either. You are not The Miz, Edge. I should not be belittled by an individual who is only 50% male. You are not CM Punk, MVP. That comment by Cody Rhodes is fine, though. I didn't know who he was until he told me. Other than that, I am so sad and mad right now.
You know, I could be doing something more productive with my time on the web. The other day, this 8th grader was in the school computer room. He turned on the computer and started watching a video of two girls in a bathtub without shirts, pants, or underwear. They were trying to clean each other with their body parts. I kind of want to see that because I don't like taking baths. You’re making me want to see that video more and more, WWE Kids. Maybe those girls have a solution to my problem. Maybe I should take my business elsewhere, you doo-doo heads.
Have you ever wondered what your favourite WWE Superstars' farts smell like? Even if you haven't, you should know about the diverse toots of RAW and SmackDown talent. Not only do their farts give you a look into the lives of the stars themselves, but they can tell about what they love to eat. Since Chris Jericho's farts smell like roses and elderberries, he must enjoy eating inedible flowers and edible fruit from trees. Although, he will only eat them if he can correctly answer six out of ten questions about former U.S. Presidents in 60 seconds. If he can’t answer them in that time, the roses and elderberries will leave a conveyor belt and fall off a tall building.
The Superstar Questionnaire at WWEKids.com shows a side of wrestlers that we rarely get to see on television. They may be larger-than-life personalities today, but yesterday, they were kids like us, sharing the same dream. Ever since we were born, you and I hoped to make millions, travelling the world while pretending to hate each other in our colourful briefs. Until we achieve that dream, I have filled out my own questionnaire. I know who I'm going to be. Who will you be?
Unlike WWE.com, the WWE Kids website has a neat calendar full of reminders and facts. Apparently, living like an adult these past few years has made me miss several important holidays. Curse you, grown-up responsibilities. Nobody taught me how to successfully save my money. For weeks, I visited farms, searching for a pig with a slot on its back to hold my coins. Now that I have found my local bank, I feel as though I have wasted the better part of the month. I never got to commemorate the two-year-anniversary of Mark Henry bending a frying pan (July 15), or wish a happy 20th birthday to Harry Potter (July 23). Thanks a lot, WWE Kids.
With July ending and August about to begin, school is still out and us kids are looking for fun. In place of throwing the ball around or “accidentally” setting each other's siblings on fire, I will look at the WWE Kids Calendar for ideas. On July 28th, WWE Kids suggest we celebrate the 77th anniversary of the first singing telegram by singing to a friend. I don't know about you, but I think we have ourselves a wicked Wednesday. I will go get the lyric sheet to N.W.A.'s "F Tha Police." Once we got the song down, we can sing it a cappella style to passing police cars. The message of "F Tha Police" is to find the police and thank them for their many years of service to the community. Let’s do it.
What is the difference between WWE television for adults and kids, you say? Based on the site, television for kids is made up of two things. The first thing is every wrestling entrance on RAW, SmackDown, NXT, ECW in the past five years. If you are a modern wrestler with two legs who can walk down a ramp on your own, you will be part of WWE Kids TV. Due to suggestive content and adult situations, the second thing is videos that require parental supervision. Moms and dads should watch WWE with us, but I doubt they will want to after reading the descriptions.
Due to his bicep injury, I'm glad Hunter Hearst Helmsley is keeping himself busy outside of the ring. On the other hand, I don't think he should be going around town like that. He shouldn’t be showing his doodad to boys and girls in MVP's "VIP Lounge," let alone on the web. Kids like me don't own clubs or anything, but I'm sure Triple H being there wouldn't be good for business. No grown up I know would say, "Here's something we can do this Saturday night. Let's go to that club where Triple is sledgehammering the air with his Prince of Princes." Gross.
For kids without money to spend on magazines, they can pretend to read one by checking out a online preview. In the summer 2010 issue of WWE Kids Magazine, we will live out our second dream — seeing thumbprints made up to look like WWE Superstars. For years, I have wondered how the heads and torsos of Chris Jericho (“The Best in the World at What He Touches”), Sheamus (Smudgus), and Dolph Ziggler (Dolph Finger) would look like as thumbprints. Now that two out of two dreams have come true, I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should do what Triple H does and reveal all to WWE Kids.
Also, WWE Kids Magazine have given us such rare treats as a photo gallery of today's best wrestlers. In this issue, we have visual proof that Cena is a wizard who loves the WWE Universe. At the same time, Edge is the ultimate opportunist who can keep himself balanced on the ropes at the perfect opportunity. In Newcastle, England, MVP has took a day off from managing the VIP Lounge due to Triple H violating healthy and safety codes. I think the health inspector wants a word with him.
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