Is World Wrestling Entertainment ready for the new TNA? If they're not, they better get ready because Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and The Hulkamania Dumpling Gang are looking to bring Vince McMahon to his knees. As a new Monday Night War approaches us with the fastness and furiousness of a speeding Vin Diesel, WWE's monopoly of the professional wrestling industry will be threatened. One by one, disgruntled WWE employees will seek TNA for refuge. First, TNA will snatch someone insignificant, like a Carlito or a Bella Twin. Before they know it, Orlando, Florida will be seeing a lot more of Triple H.
Although TNA's climb to the top of wrestling mountain will be difficult, they possess the tools to make it there. Their figurehead is wrestling's most recognizable and charismatic figure. His right-hand man has quite the creative mind for business. With their physically and athletically gifted roster, I don't see how Total Nonstop Action could fail. In fact, I think Hogan's TNA will be an outstanding, overnight success.
Sometimes, I question WWE’s ability to make an entertaining product. On the contrary, I rarely doubt TNA. Do not doubt me either and read my previous articles. Just take my word for it when I say that I rarely doubt TNA. You see, TNA does so many things right. For me, these past few weeks of TNA programming have been a privilege to watch. I never thought a wrestling promotion could do so well. As long as TNA keeps it simple, sexy, and clean, I don't see how they can't usurp WWE of their number one spot. With Hogan and Bischoff at the helm, TNA is going into this battle as the overwhelming favourite.
Last night, I took a walk outside and saw a message written in the stars. That message must have been in Portuguese or something because I didn't understand it. After consulting with a starry-night translator, I was told that the stars predicted that TNA will defeat WWE in under a year. We must not deny the truth of their fate.
As a wrestling ring shape purist, I like my rings to be square. I don't like rectangular rings, mostly due to their unequal sides. Pentagonal rings irritate me as I cannot buy into the concept of wrestlers willing to compete in pentagonal spaces. Most of all, TNA's hexagonal ring made me change the channel. The moment I caught a glimpse of a six-sided ring on my television screen, a mysterious force lifted my hand, moved it to the remote control, picked up the remote control, pushed my finger on the channel change button, and put it to a Degrassi: The Next Generation rerun. Now that Hogan and Bischoff have brought back the traditional squared circle, I am ready and willing to enjoy some TNA wrestling.
They’re wrestling in a neat, little box. I love it.
Before Ric Flair appeared by his side, AJ Styles was a fliptastic wrestling wonder with a goofy personality, enhanced by a strong Southern accent. As the new incarnation of the Nature Boy, AJ Styles has become a fliptastic, wrestling wonder who parties with gorgeous women by talking to them, showing them his suits, and talking to them some more. Meanwhile, Ric Flair holds his TNA World Championship.
I used to live that high life. Also, I still live that high life. For once in TNA's existence, they have a character whom I can get behind. I love talking to gorgeous women. Every time gorgeous women visit me, I keep my closet wide open so my suit collection can serve as an effective conversation piece: “Enough about yourselves, ladies. Have you seen these grey suits I got for a discount price at Sears?” In addition, I love talking to gorgeous women for a second time, mostly after I am done showing them my suits.
Due to this dramatic transformation, I can see it in AJ's eyes. He's comfortable in his role. This persona is more true to life than any other persona in the business. AJ Styles is stylin', profilin', and talkin' like Ric Flair. If Flair is Space Mountain, Styles is an attraction at Disney's California Adventure. If I had to guess, I say that Styles is either The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror or Muppet Vision in 3-D. They’re both good attractions, though.
I already knew Hulk Hogan was immortal, but I never knew he was a gifted actor until he arrived in TNA. No matter how many times I watched a double bill of Mr. Nanny and Thunder in Paradise, I thought of Hogan as a wrestler trying to act. Now that he is involved in every other backstage segment, I think of Hogan as an actor showing off his craft. Without saying a word, Hulk Hogan is able to tell an entire story with his face and bandana.
I would like to train under the tutelage of this master thespian and learn what it truly means to act. With his help, I could win myself an Oscar, just like Earl Hebner will win one this year for his portrayal of a prisoner turned tooth fairy in The Shawshank Tooth Fairy.
Just when you thought that Jeremy Borash would usher TNA into a bug-eyed, moon-faced revolution, Bubba The Love Sponge entered the company and brought light into your dark world. So far, Bubba's interviewing skills have proven that he is twice the man that Borash is, and four times the man of a female version of Borash. Without question, he is my new idol. If Bubba The Love Sponge told me to jump off a bridge, not only would I jump off that bridge, I would do so while not thinking about Haiti (like he suggested I should).
World Wrestling Entertainment really dropped the ball by not signing Bubba to a lucrative, multi-year deal. Then again, I am glad they didn't because TNA wouldn't have the privilege to call him Bubba The Love Sponge. For legal reasons, he would probably be Brother The Love Sponge. Wait a second. That still sounds super awesome. Bubba The Love Sponge: a sponge in which you can expel your love.
While I am aware that Awesome Kong and Bubba The Love Sponge have their differences (Awesome Kong is a woman and Bubba The Love Sponge is a love sponge), I don't see how these two tremendous talents can't co-exist in TNA. From what I can tell, Total Nonstop Action is a big company. At the very least, Kong and Bubba must have separate washrooms. Unless Hogan and Bischoff can give me a good reason as to why a monstrous, female powerhouse does not belong in their company, she should not be tossed aside.
Awesome Kong may not be that much of a looker, but she will be a benefit to TNA in the long run. I bet Hogan and Bischoff have no clue how many carriages she can pull by herself in the dead of winter. Once they find themselves stuck on the Oregon Trail in the mid 1800s, they will be sorry.
Ken Anderson's exhilarating debut in TNA reminds me of a joke. Ken Anderson, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The rabbi orders an ice tea. The priest orders a Diet Coke. Ken Anderson is a liar. Scratch that. I forgot how the joke goes. Let me try another one. Knock, knock. Now you say, "Who's there?" Who's there? Ken Anderson? Now you say, "Ken Anderson who?" Ken Anderson who? Ken Anderson injured himself. Aw nuts. I'll get back to you. Once I do, prepare to laugh.
The return of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags to professional wrestling brought me to the following realization: They are nasty, they are boys, and they must have hit the gym. With Hogan's involvement in the company, Knobbs' arrival to TNA was a given. Although, I didn't think that he would be in such great shape. The chiselled physiques of Knobbs and Sags will surely send a message to everyone in TNA. If they don't work out, they might as well get out of the business.
At their age, I wonder how The Nasty Boys manage to keep fit. While I am still a young man, I still have a long way to go before I get as cut as these two gentlemen. What do they use? Perhaps they're drinking that Slim Fast, downing those liquid strawberries. Maybe they're hip-hopping it to Hip Hop Abs. In their free time, I bet they're using that Bowflex, flexing them bows. As for me, I don't flex bows. I'm not fit enough.
The days of Orlando Jordan writing the letters O and J with his hands before walking down the ramp are over. That was WWE's Orlando Jordan, also known as the inferior version of Orland Jordan. This time around, the era of TNA's Orlando Jordan has begun. Vince Russo claims that Jordan carries himself like a star. In my opinion, I think Jordan carries himself like a Whoopi Goldberg with Amazing Kong hair and a Ric Flair robe. In other words, I agree with Vince Russo. For goodness sake, Whoopi Goldberg is on The View. Anyone who resembles such an important entertainer as Whoopi deserves a main event spot. After all, Whoopi was the original Goldberg before Billiam came along.
As my patience thins, I eagerly await Jordan's first world championship reign. Once he wins the coveted title, I shall celebrate a thousand celebrations. A majority of those celebrations will involve Jordan's friends and allies, such as Doug Basham. Danny Basham has plans.
I see the TNA fans' lips moving, but I don't hear nothing. Everybody is reacting like they don't like the new TNA. From her enthusiastic attitude alone, Brooke Hogan is the only true TNA fan in the Impact Zone. She cheers for the good guys, jeers the bad guys, and sits next to her future stepmother, who is Brooke in about five years. Those fans could learn a lot from Brooke. Not only could they learn how to properly act and react like the cast members that they are, they could learn how to sing as good as her, too. Obviously, they would need Paul Wall's help as well, but who doesn't need his help?
Keep doing what you're doing, Brooke Hogan. Those fans are only telling you to sit down because they’re jealous. They don't know how to be stand-up human beings. For your honour, I will take on every member of that audience in a fist fight. Somebody get my boxing glove. I have but one boxing glove, so someone get me a wool mitten.
How come the ladies love Sean Morley? Their faces say no, but deep inside, I bet they're saying no with slight hesitation.
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