World Wrestling Entertainment has described the rookies who will make up the roster of NXT as "athletes who epitomize pop culture and personify strong attributes." In response to that description, WWE does not need to tell me anything more. I was sold at "athletes." As the company ushers in the next generation of talent, WWE will need to groom them into the megastars that they are bound to become. On their way to the top, some expert guidance and advice could serve them well.
Chris Jericho, William Regal, CM Punk, R-Truth, Carlito, Matt Hardy, Christian, and The Miz have been recruited to the teach the grapping children of our future. They will help them wrestle the greatest wrestling match. They will give them the verbal power to talk the greatest talk. Best of all, R-Truth will teach them how to rap. Without a doubt, the wisdom these WWE Superstars will hand down to the NXT Rookies will be invaluable. I'm sure that half of them haven't rapped in a wrestling ring before.
You may say that Vince McMahon ending ECW was a disappointing move. After all, Tiffany was coming into her own as a General Manager/blonde girl named Tiffany. Also, Yoshi Tatsu's music was there. To those who look at the birth of NXT as the end of an extreme era, I urge you to look closer. I’m talking about something better, something bigger than ourselves. I’m talking about the rise of David Otunga.
Tommy Dreamer's blood, sweat, and tears built the old Extreme Championship Wrestling. Learning from Dreamer's mistake of building a professional wrestling company upon a foundation of body fluids, NXT will be different. Both NXT and its roster will be an immense success.
WWE says: "Expertly trained in boxing and mixed martial arts, Michael Tarver claims he can knock any man out in 1.9 seconds. Now, the self-proclaimed ‘monster’ is learning how to turn his dangerous talents into WWE success with the aid of Raw's resident bad apple, Carlito."
I say: Bravo, World Wrestling Entertainment. Your passive-aggressive insult towards Carlito is most impressive. Like you, I think Carlito is the Mickie James of Caribbean dudes. For your tireless efforts, I am pleased to award you with a fresh bushel basket of apples.
As for you, Carlito, I am pleased to announce that you have been paired with Michael Tarver. In 1.9 seconds, you are going to feel a little light headed. Before you collapse from happiness, I suggest you lie down, put a damp cloth on your forehead, and watch Primo every third week on WWE Superstars. The sight of your brother appearing every third week on WWE Superstars should ease you back in a conscious state.
In five years, I see Tarver as a formidable second-generation fighter. Somehow, the fact that father got his ass beat by Mike Tyson on the daily should help him in WWE. Look at Evan Bourne. Even though Bourne's father never got his ass beat by Mike Tyson, he still manages to lose in spectacular fashion. Above Tarver is a limitless sky.
WWE says: "Bare-knuckle fighter Wade Barrett isn't afraid to bully and brawl with his competition. He's also confident, eloquent and never bites his tongue. It's no wonder he's paired with Chris Jericho for his Pro, WWE's first-ever Undisputed Champion who doesn't hold back when it comes to saying whatever he feels to the WWE Universe."
I say: After breaking up with The Big Show, I thought Jericho was done dealing with partners. Now that he has Wade Barrett, he's back on the rebound. Jericho is an independent man who can buy his own diamonds and his own rings. Unfortunately, the only thing he can't buy is the unconditional love of another. Don't force it, Chris. Whatever will be will be.
Everyone in WWE should be scared of Wade Barrett. I don't even know him, yet I am already frightened. Not only does Barrett like to fight, he digs bare-knuckle fighting. You know what this means: Barrett is in Fight Club. Of course, the British Fight Club is not as tough as the regular Fight Club, but you better believe that they get to snack on some ladyfingers afterwards.
WWE says: "A man who dubs himself ‘a rock band without the instruments’ obviously has no shortage of charisma, but NXT Rookie Heath Slater is getting a lesson in how to channel his confidence into success with the guidance of his mentor, Captain Charisma himself, Christian."
I say: If Heath Slater is a rock band without the instruments, Christian is similar in that he is Edge without the opportunity. While the Rated R Superstar is going around winning Royal Rumbles and being skinny and fat at the same time, Christian has been blessed with mentoring Slater. Surely, the second death of ECW is not too bad when you get to listen to a one-man band play air nothing-in-particular.
Slater is a former Florida Championship Wrestling Southern, Tag Team, and World Heavyweight Champion, meaning that he is already prepared to achieve minor success. Once he becomes a WWE Superstar, I expect nothing less for this promising, young man. If he works hard, he could very well be where Kofi Kingston is right now. For Slater's sake, let us hope that he can get to that elusive semi-mid-card level.
WWE says: "A fixture on the South Beach party scene, Darren Young is no stranger to the VIP section. But this wild way of life isn't the type of thing Young's mentor, CM Punk, approves of. On WWE NXT, Young isn't only learning about the rules of the ring from Punk, but the Straight Edge way of life."
I say: Lately, CM Punk has been busy promoting a clean lifestyle. His followers, Serena and Luke Gallows, have been living that lifestyle by sporting large knockers and frequently massaging others. With all those tasks on his busy plate, Punk has no time to look after a rookie. At least, that’s what he thought until Darren Young came along. On the one hand, Punk doesn't agree with Young's partying ways. On the other hand, how could Punk resist the black Cabbage Patch Kid equivalent of Zack Ryder?
Have you ever looked at Zack Ryder and thought, "Man, that Zack Ryder is good, but what if he was blacker?" Honestly, I ask this question to myself and others every day. If you are of the many millions of fans who have shared this thought, Darren Young is the man for you. As an African-American variant of Zack Ryder, he will do what Ryder does while having a strong admiration for Denzel Washington’s acting ability. Sounds good to me.
WWE says: "Justin Gabriel is a dynamo of energy with plenty of in-ring skills. This passionate athlete from Cape Town, South Africa, wants to wow the WWE Universe and has Matt Hardy as his guide. A WWE Superstar loved by many in the WWE Universe, Hardy has the experience and knowledge to help a charismatic newcomer like Gabriel in WWE NXT.
I say: The key on Matt Hardy's tights represent the key to his destiny. This year, Matt's key opened him up to the world of The Great Khali. Despite his rise to superstardom with his brother Jeff, I bet Matt is glad that he finally has a reliable partner in the Punjabi Playboy. On top of that fantastic honour, he gets the privilege to mentor Justin Gabriel. After visiting several locksmiths, they said that they couldn't make a key that would open up that kind of destiny for me. Although I am rather distraught, I will be able to live vicariously in Matt's shoes.
Regarding Gabriel's future in WWE, I am going to make a bold prediction: Justin Gabriel is going to become the sixth greatest South African wrestler in WWE history. Before you try to guess the identities of the other five South Africans, don't. Just don't. You're only going to confuse yourself, or name a bunch of North Africans who never worked for WWE. Trust me.
WWE says: "The most experienced of any NXT Rookie, Daniel Bryan is mentored by current United States and Unified Tag Team Champion The Miz. Love him or hate him, in addition to his considerable in-ring experience, the self-proclaimed ‘Awesome One’ also possesses an undeniable charisma from which any Superstar could stand to learn a few things."
I say: I'm not familiar with the independent wrestling scene, but I can tell you that independent wrestling fans are ecstatic that The Miz is mentoring Daniel Bryan. Unlike Bryan, who hasn't amounted to much in his wrestling career, The Miz has accomplished many feats in the big leagues. Whether you look at his Tag Team Title runs with John Morrison and The Big Show, or his reign as an awesome United States Champion, The Miz is special. What is Daniel Bryan?
Bryan is known to some as the American Dragon. Yesterday and today, I don't understand that nickname. First of all, the one true American Dragon is Jake Long; every adult knows that. Second of all, dragons aren't real. Even if they were real, I doubt they would move to the United States and apply for American citizenship. This nickname is exactly why Daniel Bryan needs The Miz. Shawn Michaels trained him, but Mike Mizanin will teach him how to ride a big boy bike.
WWE says: "Pairing an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas with a
I say: Suddenly, Montel Vontavious Porter is not good enough to be a mentor on the groundbreaking, original mix of wrestling and reality TV that is WWE NXT. I could criticize this move, but I won't. You're smooth, WWE. Very smooth. You're free ballin'. If MVP can't show up The Miz, how can he mentor somebody like young Skippy? At least William Regal knows what it's like to be a winner, recently leading Ezekiel Jackson to a multiple-minute ECW Championship reign.
Although, I do find it odd that Skip Sheffield clashes with his mentors before he has even met them. From his description alone, Sheffield doesn't seem like he can co-operate with anyone. If William Regal doesn't work out, I recommend that WWE pair Sheffield with himself. That way, maybe they can feed each other corn and form some chemistry.
I say again: "Pairing an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas with an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas allows for some not-so-ordinary circumstances on WWE NXT. But Rookie Skip Sheffield benefits from Rookie Skip Sheffield in and out of the ring."
I was wrong.
WWE says: "As the self-proclaimed ‘Kanye West of WWE,’ David Otunga is used to the finer things in life, such as lavish parties and seeing himself in magazines alongside his fiancé, Grammy and Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Hudson. But the Harvard Law School graduate is receiving a street education on WWE NXT as he learns alongside his mentor, SmackDown's rapping Superstar, R-Truth."
I say: When WWE describes you as a rapping Superstar, you know you've got it good. Sometimes, success isn't measured by how many titles you win. For R-Truth, all that matters is that you are a rapping Superstar. Nobody can take that away from you. Of course, they can't take that away from you because they don't want to, but that title is yours. Whereas Mark Henry is the Intercontinental Champion of rapping, you are a Superstar of rapping. It's too bad you're stuck with David Otunga, though.
How is Otunga the Kanye West of WWE if he doesn't produce music, rap, interrupt Taylor Swift, or make love to other homosexual creatures under the sea? Since self-proclamations are so trendy, I might as well say that I am the WWE of life. I know what I'm doing. Therefore, I should get to tell people what to like and when to like it. Get out of here, Otunga. You know what rhymes with Otunga? Nothing because Otunga is a freaky wrestling name.
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