Without a doubt, Jared "From Subway" Fogle has all the tools to be a future WWE Champion. Even though I have never seen him wrestle, Jared has the look of a wrestler. From the way he wears his khakis to his threatening, Subway-sandwich-fuelled scowl, I see dollar signs. At the time in which true superstars are needed, I think Jared Fogle will cement himself as the next John Cena.
After three memorable cameos on Monday Night RAW, I am not afraid to put every single one of my valuable eggs into the basket of the Subway Guy. Not since Linda McMahon have I witnessed an individual on WWE programming with such a magnetic personality. Before TNA get their slimy hands on him, I urge Vince McMahon to get himself some Fogle. He is the answer to a question that hasn't even been asked yet.
This week, I will live up to my reputation as a creative genius by planning Jared Fogle's full-time debut in World Wrestling Entertainment. If you thought Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade's WWE debut was special, prepare to be amazed. If you thought Chris Jericho's debut was fantastic, I must apologize in advance. Jared Fogle won't be able to style his hair like that for it is short. Also, leather pants clash with his skin tone.
I do not find it strange that the Mayan calendar stops on December 21, 2012. If anything, I find it strange that you think that day will bring about the end of the world. Why? The only reason why the Mayans chose to end their calendar on December 21, 2012 was to give way for Jared Fogle. On that day, he shall reign supreme in professional wrestling and change how we define time.
A normal man would need to hit the gym many times over to get in shape for a WWE debut, but Jared Fogle is not normal. Eating Subway sandwiches every day has given him the strength, speed, stamina, and lettuce required to keep up with a hectic schedule. In his veins run two substances: blood and vegetables. Fogle’s blood type is V8, which is conducive for success.
Height: 6 foot 2
Weight: 190 pounds
From: Subway
Finisher: Five Dollar Foot-Strong (Stalling Sidekick)
Signature Moves: Meatball Marinara Terror (Meatball Marinara Sandwich To The Face), Cold Cutter (Three-Quarter Facelock Bulldog into a Pile of Various Meats), Pretty Fly for a Subway Guy (Springboard 450 Splash)
Career Highlights: Eating at Subway, Looking Like Pat from Saturday Night Live
Borrowing elements from Tazz's WWF debut, WWE will air teaser promos in the weeks and months prior to Jared Fogle's debut. At random times on RAW, Smackdown, and NXT, a mysterious video will show up on the Titantron that features a pulsing pair of large jeans in the middle of a fancy tribal design. At the end of each video, a tagline will appear at the bottom of the jeans that says, "The waistline is about to change."
Wrestling news sites everywhere will speculate the meaning behind these teaser promos. Uneducated professional wrestling analysts will predict that the videos are hyping the debut of an actual pair of jeans. Meanwhile, analysts who believe that they are in know will state that the promos are for the casual-wear return of Tazz.
When Fogle finally walks down the ramp at WWE One-Fall Match (the next best Pay-Per-View) as the mystery opponent of The Big Show, he will drape a paper napkin over his head and wield a foot-long Subway sandwich. At that moment, WWE’s waistline will never be the same again. Right now, they wear a men’s husky, but you might as well kiss that size goodbye.
Since WrestleMania is touted as a showcase of the immortals, Jared Fogle's participation in the event is a definite must. As millions of dollars are put into the majesty, pageantry, and grandeur of the event, I hope to use some of the money towards Jared's entrance. Obviously, The Undertaker's WrestleMania entrance is always a sight see, but I think Jared and I can do better. Jared does not have the Undertaker's streak, nor does have the Deadman's ominous aura. Nevertheless, Jared has something that 'Taker does not. He has Subway.
As Jared Fogle makes his first WrestleMania appearance, a group of Subway druids will line the aisle. In place of torches, they will light the way with lit Subway sandwiches. The fire will melt and burn the various ingredients within the sandwich, but the tragedy will be worth it. The fiery Subway sandwich smell will waft over the WrestleMania crowd, giving them a heightened sense of bliss. Once the fans take in the pleasant smell, Jared Fogle will come down to the ring on a derailed Subway car. At first, the fans will be scared for his safety, but he will prove that he is okay by launching Lay’s potato chip bags — via Lay’s potato chip bag cannon — into the audience.
Judging by the variety of cereals available at the craft service table without any milk cartons or jugs in sight, life as a WWE Superstar is rough. In World Wrestling Entertainment, one friend goes a long way in terms of holding onto your spot. Therefore, I am aligning Jared Fogle with familiar company:
Santino Marella: Santino is likely the only individual in World Wrestling Entertainment who shares Jared's love for Subway. For Santino, Subway sandwiches are not only worth a purchase from your local Subway restaurant, but they are worth stealing as well. Nobody said the path to deliciousness was going to be easy. With Santino by Jared's side, they can climb the highest mountain and get that brass sandwich.
Carl Edwards: Even though NASCAR driver Carl Edwards has only appeared in one backstage segment with Jared Fogle, their chemistry is clear. At the time, they may have been strangers, but from this point forward, they will be lifelong friends. In order to play to their strengths, I suggest that Carl and Jared form a tag team. Judging from his famous flips, Carl is an effective high flyer. Although Jared does not have that agility, he can be the mouthpiece, extolling the benefits of eating well and riding fast. I call this team "The Nutrition Ignition Connection."
In turn, Jared will face those who do not share his beliefs. Those men will deny that Subway is their restaurant of choice. They will fry their fries and grill their cheeseburgers with smiles on their fat faces. Their rotund bellies will shake with laughter at the thought that a healthy meal will let them lead better lives. These men will be his ultimate rivals:
Jerry Lawler: When Santino Marella stole Jerry "Stupid" Lawler's sandwich on a March 2008 edition of RAW, Jerry "Stupid" Lawler didn't chase him. His lack of dedication to his delicious Subway sandwich disgusts me. If I was Jerry "Stupid" Lawler, I would have chased Santino to the end of the world and back for that sandwich. Jerry doesn't care, so why should Jared care about him?
CM Punk: Last year, Jared Fogle saw the way CM Punk looked at that bucket of KFC Grilled Chicken. Since CM Punk loves KFC Grilled Chicken so much, Jared Fogle thinks Punk should marry that bucket of KFC Grilled Chicken. Punk does not buy into the fact that Subway is the ultimate, straight-edge restaurant. For Jared, Punk is sadly mistaken. You never see people doing drugs at Subway, but Jared can't say the same for KFC. At the pace that KFC employees work, they have to keep things kitchen fresh somehow.
The feud between Bret Hart and Steve Austin turned Stone Cold into a legend. The feud between Triple and The Rock rocketed both men into the main event scene. Most of all, Eric Escobar feuded with nobody and became nobody. If Jared doesn’t want to be the next Eric Escobar, he will need to battle with an equal or three.
The Straight Edge Society vs. The Subway Society: CM Punk and Jared Fogle will lead their respective stables in a decade-long war. The moment that triggers that feud will involve The Straight-Edge Society ambushing Fogle in the ring, force-feeding him KFC Grilled Chicken. After the attack, Jared Fogle will look for revenge. Whatever it takes, Fogle will force-feed Punk the best sandwich of all: the Subway Seafood Sensation Sandwich.
Jared Fogle vs. The Undertaker: For Jared, his feud with the Undertaker will be quite frustrating. First, Jared's request to face the Undertaker at WrestleMania will be denied. Eventually, the Undertaker will tell Jared that he will face him, if and only if Jared can go a month without eating and talking about Subway. As the urge to promote Subway consumes him, Jared will drive himself to madness. He will start eating at Arby's.
Jared Fogle vs. Fake Jared Fogle: A obsessed fan wearing a Jared Fogle mask will interfere in Jared's first WWE Championship defense, costing him the title. As Jared searches for the man behind the mask, his impostor will hide in the shadows, sporadically advertising on WWE television. The impostor will insist that the majority of Subway sandwiches on the menu have seven grams of fat when they actually have six or less.
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