New Wrestling Weapon of Choice: McAdams Loves Gosling

*****

NEXT WEEK

You were supposed to keep that secret, you loose-lipped hussy.

AND

God-schmod. I want my monkey man.

Mentored

World Wrestling Entertainment has described the rookies who will make up the roster of NXT as "athletes who epitomize pop culture and personify strong attributes." In response to that description, WWE does not need to tell me anything more. I was sold at "athletes." As the company ushers in the next generation of talent, WWE will need to groom them into the megastars that they are bound to become. On their way to the top, some expert guidance and advice could serve them well.

Chris Jericho, William Regal, CM Punk, R-Truth, Carlito, Matt Hardy, Christian, and The Miz have been recruited to the teach the grapping children of our future. They will help them wrestle the greatest wrestling match. They will give them the verbal power to talk the greatest talk. Best of all, R-Truth will teach them how to rap. Without a doubt, the wisdom these WWE Superstars will hand down to the NXT Rookies will be invaluable. I'm sure that half of them haven't rapped in a wrestling ring before.

You may say that Vince McMahon ending ECW was a disappointing move. After all, Tiffany was coming into her own as a General Manager/blonde girl named Tiffany. Also, Yoshi Tatsu's music was there. To those who look at the birth of NXT as the end of an extreme era, I urge you to look closer. I’m talking about something better, something bigger than ourselves. I’m talking about the rise of David Otunga.

Tommy Dreamer's blood, sweat, and tears built the old Extreme Championship Wrestling. Learning from Dreamer's mistake of building a professional wrestling company upon a foundation of body fluids, NXT will be different. Both NXT and its roster will be an immense success.


Carlito and Michael Tarver
WWE says: "Expertly trained in boxing and mixed martial arts, Michael Tarver claims he can knock any man out in 1.9 seconds. Now, the self-proclaimed ‘monster’ is learning how to turn his dangerous talents into WWE success with the aid of Raw's resident bad apple, Carlito."

I say: Bravo, World Wrestling Entertainment. Your passive-aggressive insult towards Carlito is most impressive. Like you, I think Carlito is the Mickie James of Caribbean dudes. For your tireless efforts, I am pleased to award you with a fresh bushel basket of apples.

As for you, Carlito, I am pleased to announce that you have been paired with Michael Tarver. In 1.9 seconds, you are going to feel a little light headed. Before you collapse from happiness, I suggest you lie down, put a damp cloth on your forehead, and watch Primo every third week on WWE Superstars. The sight of your brother appearing every third week on WWE Superstars should ease you back in a conscious state.

In five years, I see Tarver as a formidable second-generation fighter. Somehow, the fact that father got his ass beat by Mike Tyson on the daily should help him in WWE. Look at Evan Bourne. Even though Bourne's father never got his ass beat by Mike Tyson, he still manages to lose in spectacular fashion. Above Tarver is a limitless sky.


Chris Jericho and Wade Barrett
WWE says: "Bare-knuckle fighter Wade Barrett isn't afraid to bully and brawl with his competition. He's also confident, eloquent and never bites his tongue. It's no wonder he's paired with Chris Jericho for his Pro, WWE's first-ever Undisputed Champion who doesn't hold back when it comes to saying whatever he feels to the WWE Universe."

I say: After breaking up with The Big Show, I thought Jericho was done dealing with partners. Now that he has Wade Barrett, he's back on the rebound. Jericho is an independent man who can buy his own diamonds and his own rings. Unfortunately, the only thing he can't buy is the unconditional love of another. Don't force it, Chris. Whatever will be will be.

Everyone in WWE should be scared of Wade Barrett. I don't even know him, yet I am already frightened. Not only does Barrett like to fight, he digs bare-knuckle fighting. You know what this means: Barrett is in Fight Club. Of course, the British Fight Club is not as tough as the regular Fight Club, but you better believe that they get to snack on some ladyfingers afterwards.


Christian and Heath Slater
WWE says: "A man who dubs himself ‘a rock band without the instruments’ obviously has no shortage of charisma, but NXT Rookie Heath Slater is getting a lesson in how to channel his confidence into success with the guidance of his mentor, Captain Charisma himself, Christian."

I say: If Heath Slater is a rock band without the instruments, Christian is similar in that he is Edge without the opportunity. While the Rated R Superstar is going around winning Royal Rumbles and being skinny and fat at the same time, Christian has been blessed with mentoring Slater. Surely, the second death of ECW is not too bad when you get to listen to a one-man band play air nothing-in-particular.

Slater is a former Florida Championship Wrestling Southern, Tag Team, and World Heavyweight Champion, meaning that he is already prepared to achieve minor success. Once he becomes a WWE Superstar, I expect nothing less for this promising, young man. If he works hard, he could very well be where Kofi Kingston is right now. For Slater's sake, let us hope that he can get to that elusive semi-mid-card level.


CM Punk and Darren Young
WWE says: "A fixture on the South Beach party scene, Darren Young is no stranger to the VIP section. But this wild way of life isn't the type of thing Young's mentor, CM Punk, approves of. On WWE NXT, Young isn't only learning about the rules of the ring from Punk, but the Straight Edge way of life."

I say: Lately, CM Punk has been busy promoting a clean lifestyle. His followers, Serena and Luke Gallows, have been living that lifestyle by sporting large knockers and frequently massaging others. With all those tasks on his busy plate, Punk has no time to look after a rookie. At least, that’s what he thought until Darren Young came along. On the one hand, Punk doesn't agree with Young's partying ways. On the other hand, how could Punk resist the black Cabbage Patch Kid equivalent of Zack Ryder?

Have you ever looked at Zack Ryder and thought, "Man, that Zack Ryder is good, but what if he was blacker?" Honestly, I ask this question to myself and others every day. If you are of the many millions of fans who have shared this thought, Darren Young is the man for you. As an African-American variant of Zack Ryder, he will do what Ryder does while having a strong admiration for Denzel Washington’s acting ability. Sounds good to me.


Matt Hardy and Justin Gabriel
WWE says: "Justin Gabriel is a dynamo of energy with plenty of in-ring skills. This passionate athlete from Cape Town, South Africa, wants to wow the WWE Universe and has Matt Hardy as his guide. A WWE Superstar loved by many in the WWE Universe, Hardy has the experience and knowledge to help a charismatic newcomer like Gabriel in WWE NXT.

I say: The key on Matt Hardy's tights represent the key to his destiny. This year, Matt's key opened him up to the world of The Great Khali. Despite his rise to superstardom with his brother Jeff, I bet Matt is glad that he finally has a reliable partner in the Punjabi Playboy. On top of that fantastic honour, he gets the privilege to mentor Justin Gabriel. After visiting several locksmiths, they said that they couldn't make a key that would open up that kind of destiny for me. Although I am rather distraught, I will be able to live vicariously in Matt's shoes.

Regarding Gabriel's future in WWE, I am going to make a bold prediction: Justin Gabriel is going to become the sixth greatest South African wrestler in WWE history. Before you try to guess the identities of the other five South Africans, don't. Just don't. You're only going to confuse yourself, or name a bunch of North Africans who never worked for WWE. Trust me.


The Miz and Daniel Bryan
WWE says: "The most experienced of any NXT Rookie, Daniel Bryan is mentored by current United States and Unified Tag Team Champion The Miz. Love him or hate him, in addition to his considerable in-ring experience, the self-proclaimed ‘Awesome One’ also possesses an undeniable charisma from which any Superstar could stand to learn a few things."

I say: I'm not familiar with the independent wrestling scene, but I can tell you that independent wrestling fans are ecstatic that The Miz is mentoring Daniel Bryan. Unlike Bryan, who hasn't amounted to much in his wrestling career, The Miz has accomplished many feats in the big leagues. Whether you look at his Tag Team Title runs with John Morrison and The Big Show, or his reign as an awesome United States Champion, The Miz is special. What is Daniel Bryan?

Bryan is known to some as the American Dragon. Yesterday and today, I don't understand that nickname. First of all, the one true American Dragon is Jake Long; every adult knows that. Second of all, dragons aren't real. Even if they were real, I doubt they would move to the United States and apply for American citizenship. This nickname is exactly why Daniel Bryan needs The Miz. Shawn Michaels trained him, but Mike Mizanin will teach him how to ride a big boy bike.


MVP William Regal and Skip Sheffield
WWE says: "Pairing an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas with a street-smart, smooth talker from Miami smug, haughty, bruiser from Blackpool allows for some not-so-ordinary circumstances on WWE NXT. But Rookie Skip Sheffield benefits from former United States Champion MVP's William Regal’s vast knowledge and fearless attitude cunning in and out of the ring."

I say: Suddenly, Montel Vontavious Porter is not good enough to be a mentor on the groundbreaking, original mix of wrestling and reality TV that is WWE NXT. I could criticize this move, but I won't. You're smooth, WWE. Very smooth. You're free ballin'. If MVP can't show up The Miz, how can he mentor somebody like young Skippy? At least William Regal knows what it's like to be a winner, recently leading Ezekiel Jackson to a multiple-minute ECW Championship reign.

Although, I do find it odd that Skip Sheffield clashes with his mentors before he has even met them. From his description alone, Sheffield doesn't seem like he can co-operate with anyone. If William Regal doesn't work out, I recommend that WWE pair Sheffield with himself. That way, maybe they can feed each other corn and form some chemistry.

I say again: "Pairing an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas with an old-fashioned, ‘Corn-fed Meathead’ born in Texas allows for some not-so-ordinary circumstances on WWE NXT. But Rookie Skip Sheffield benefits from Rookie Skip Sheffield in and out of the ring."

I was wrong.


R-Truth and David Otunga
WWE says: "As the self-proclaimed ‘Kanye West of WWE,’ David Otunga is used to the finer things in life, such as lavish parties and seeing himself in magazines alongside his fiancé, Grammy and Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Hudson. But the Harvard Law School graduate is receiving a street education on WWE NXT as he learns alongside his mentor, SmackDown's rapping Superstar, R-Truth."

I say: When WWE describes you as a rapping Superstar, you know you've got it good. Sometimes, success isn't measured by how many titles you win. For R-Truth, all that matters is that you are a rapping Superstar. Nobody can take that away from you. Of course, they can't take that away from you because they don't want to, but that title is yours. Whereas Mark Henry is the Intercontinental Champion of rapping, you are a Superstar of rapping. It's too bad you're stuck with David Otunga, though.

How is Otunga the Kanye West of WWE if he doesn't produce music, rap, interrupt Taylor Swift, or make love to other homosexual creatures under the sea? Since self-proclamations are so trendy, I might as well say that I am the WWE of life. I know what I'm doing. Therefore, I should get to tell people what to like and when to like it. Get out of here, Otunga. You know what rhymes with Otunga? Nothing because Otunga is a freaky wrestling name.

New Wrestling Weapon of Choice: Sparkly By Force

*****

NEXT WEEK

In order to get everyone involved in a chamber-like experience, The Swerved begins construction on a structure called "The Addition Enclosure."

AND

Zut alors. Incroyable.

Jared from Subway

Without a doubt, Jared "From Subway" Fogle has all the tools to be a future WWE Champion. Even though I have never seen him wrestle, Jared has the look of a wrestler. From the way he wears his khakis to his threatening, Subway-sandwich-fuelled scowl, I see dollar signs. At the time in which true superstars are needed, I think Jared Fogle will cement himself as the next John Cena.

After three memorable cameos on Monday Night RAW, I am not afraid to put every single one of my valuable eggs into the basket of the Subway Guy. Not since Linda McMahon have I witnessed an individual on WWE programming with such a magnetic personality. Before TNA get their slimy hands on him, I urge Vince McMahon to get himself some Fogle. He is the answer to a question that hasn't even been asked yet.

This week, I will live up to my reputation as a creative genius by planning Jared Fogle's full-time debut in World Wrestling Entertainment. If you thought Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade's WWE debut was special, prepare to be amazed. If you thought Chris Jericho's debut was fantastic, I must apologize in advance. Jared Fogle won't be able to style his hair like that for it is short. Also, leather pants clash with his skin tone.

I do not find it strange that the Mayan calendar stops on December 21, 2012. If anything, I find it strange that you think that day will bring about the end of the world. Why? The only reason why the Mayans chose to end their calendar on December 21, 2012 was to give way for Jared Fogle. On that day, he shall reign supreme in professional wrestling and change how we define time.


Stats
A normal man would need to hit the gym many times over to get in shape for a WWE debut, but Jared Fogle is not normal. Eating Subway sandwiches every day has given him the strength, speed, stamina, and lettuce required to keep up with a hectic schedule. In his veins run two substances: blood and vegetables. Fogle’s blood type is V8, which is conducive for success.

Jared "From Subway" Fogle
Height: 6 foot 2
Weight: 190 pounds
From: Subway
Finisher: Five Dollar Foot-Strong (Stalling Sidekick)
Signature Moves: Meatball Marinara Terror (Meatball Marinara Sandwich To The Face), Cold Cutter (Three-Quarter Facelock Bulldog into a Pile of Various Meats), Pretty Fly for a Subway Guy (Springboard 450 Splash)
Career Highlights: Eating at Subway, Looking Like Pat from Saturday Night Live


The Hype Machine
Borrowing elements from Tazz's WWF debut, WWE will air teaser promos in the weeks and months prior to Jared Fogle's debut. At random times on RAW, Smackdown, and NXT, a mysterious video will show up on the Titantron that features a pulsing pair of large jeans in the middle of a fancy tribal design. At the end of each video, a tagline will appear at the bottom of the jeans that says, "The waistline is about to change."

Wrestling news sites everywhere will speculate the meaning behind these teaser promos. Uneducated professional wrestling analysts will predict that the videos are hyping the debut of an actual pair of jeans. Meanwhile, analysts who believe that they are in know will state that the promos are for the casual-wear return of Tazz.

When Fogle finally walks down the ramp at WWE One-Fall Match (the next best Pay-Per-View) as the mystery opponent of The Big Show, he will drape a paper napkin over his head and wield a foot-long Subway sandwich. At that moment, WWE’s waistline will never be the same again. Right now, they wear a men’s husky, but you might as well kiss that size goodbye.


A WrestleMania Introduction
Since WrestleMania is touted as a showcase of the immortals, Jared Fogle's participation in the event is a definite must. As millions of dollars are put into the majesty, pageantry, and grandeur of the event, I hope to use some of the money towards Jared's entrance. Obviously, The Undertaker's WrestleMania entrance is always a sight see, but I think Jared and I can do better. Jared does not have the Undertaker's streak, nor does have the Deadman's ominous aura. Nevertheless, Jared has something that 'Taker does not. He has Subway.

As Jared Fogle makes his first WrestleMania appearance, a group of Subway druids will line the aisle. In place of torches, they will light the way with lit Subway sandwiches. The fire will melt and burn the various ingredients within the sandwich, but the tragedy will be worth it. The fiery Subway sandwich smell will waft over the WrestleMania crowd, giving them a heightened sense of bliss. Once the fans take in the pleasant smell, Jared Fogle will come down to the ring on a derailed Subway car. At first, the fans will be scared for his safety, but he will prove that he is okay by launching Lay’s potato chip bags — via Lay’s potato chip bag cannon — into the audience.


Allies & Enemies
Judging by the variety of cereals available at the craft service table without any milk cartons or jugs in sight, life as a WWE Superstar is rough. In World Wrestling Entertainment, one friend goes a long way in terms of holding onto your spot. Therefore, I am aligning Jared Fogle with familiar company:

Santino Marella: Santino is likely the only individual in World Wrestling Entertainment who shares Jared's love for Subway. For Santino, Subway sandwiches are not only worth a purchase from your local Subway restaurant, but they are worth stealing as well. Nobody said the path to deliciousness was going to be easy. With Santino by Jared's side, they can climb the highest mountain and get that brass sandwich.

Carl Edwards: Even though NASCAR driver Carl Edwards has only appeared in one backstage segment with Jared Fogle, their chemistry is clear. At the time, they may have been strangers, but from this point forward, they will be lifelong friends. In order to play to their strengths, I suggest that Carl and Jared form a tag team. Judging from his famous flips, Carl is an effective high flyer. Although Jared does not have that agility, he can be the mouthpiece, extolling the benefits of eating well and riding fast. I call this team "The Nutrition Ignition Connection."


In turn, Jared will face those who do not share his beliefs. Those men will deny that Subway is their restaurant of choice. They will fry their fries and grill their cheeseburgers with smiles on their fat faces. Their rotund bellies will shake with laughter at the thought that a healthy meal will let them lead better lives. These men will be his ultimate rivals:

Jerry Lawler: When Santino Marella stole Jerry "Stupid" Lawler's sandwich on a March 2008 edition of RAW, Jerry "Stupid" Lawler didn't chase him. His lack of dedication to his delicious Subway sandwich disgusts me. If I was Jerry "Stupid" Lawler, I would have chased Santino to the end of the world and back for that sandwich. Jerry doesn't care, so why should Jared care about him?

CM Punk: Last year, Jared Fogle saw the way CM Punk looked at that bucket of KFC Grilled Chicken. Since CM Punk loves KFC Grilled Chicken so much, Jared Fogle thinks Punk should marry that bucket of KFC Grilled Chicken. Punk does not buy into the fact that Subway is the ultimate, straight-edge restaurant. For Jared, Punk is sadly mistaken. You never see people doing drugs at Subway, but Jared can't say the same for KFC. At the pace that KFC employees work, they have to keep things kitchen fresh somehow.


Feuds
The feud between Bret Hart and Steve Austin turned Stone Cold into a legend. The feud between Triple and The Rock rocketed both men into the main event scene. Most of all, Eric Escobar feuded with nobody and became nobody. If Jared doesn’t want to be the next Eric Escobar, he will need to battle with an equal or three.

The Straight Edge Society vs. The Subway Society: CM Punk and Jared Fogle will lead their respective stables in a decade-long war. The moment that triggers that feud will involve The Straight-Edge Society ambushing Fogle in the ring, force-feeding him KFC Grilled Chicken. After the attack, Jared Fogle will look for revenge. Whatever it takes, Fogle will force-feed Punk the best sandwich of all: the Subway Seafood Sensation Sandwich.

Jared Fogle vs. The Undertaker: For Jared, his feud with the Undertaker will be quite frustrating. First, Jared's request to face the Undertaker at WrestleMania will be denied. Eventually, the Undertaker will tell Jared that he will face him, if and only if Jared can go a month without eating and talking about Subway. As the urge to promote Subway consumes him, Jared will drive himself to madness. He will start eating at Arby's.

Jared Fogle vs. Fake Jared Fogle: A obsessed fan wearing a Jared Fogle mask will interfere in Jared's first WWE Championship defense, costing him the title. As Jared searches for the man behind the mask, his impostor will hide in the shadows, sporadically advertising on WWE television. The impostor will insist that the majority of Subway sandwiches on the menu have seven grams of fat when they actually have six or less.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 84th

ECW Championship Match
Christian (c) vs. Abobo

There will be no single dragons (Jimmy)
It's when you throw harder than somebody, Billy
This right here is Double Dragon

This here is what you call Double Dragon
It's a combination of one dragon and a second dragon
So bust through brick walls, and stomp through the halls
'Cause any dragons that I fight are double dragons

This here is what you call Double Dragon
It's a combination of having one dragon, then another dragon
I wear blue capri pants, I do the capri shuffle dance
'Cause any dragons that I fight are double dragons

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NXT WEEK

Even though both these topics are Caucasian, one big difference between the two is the skin colour.

AND

Wouldn't that be so cool to go to a school made out of bottles?

NXT, Please

On February 23, prepare for a new dawn of professional wrestling. For over three years, Extreme Championship Wrestling was WWE's prime jewel, featuring exciting matches, extreme characters, and Ricky Ortiz. Despite such a successful run, all good things must come to be great, which is why ECW cannot be anymore. Therefore, I am very proud to announce the debut of WWE NXT.

Just when thought WWE programming couldn't get any fresher, here comes NXT, freshening up our television screens. Forget about The Swerved's concept of a new brand called WWE PRVS because I'm tired of thinking about yesterday. Today, I'm more than ready to see what is NXT.

Obviously, the death of WWE's ECW will hit fans hard — perhaps in the privates where all good hits go — but do not fret. So far, Vince McMahon has not let me down once with his creative decisions. He didn't let me down with his version of WCW, no matter how much KroniK he threw at me. He didn't disappoint me with the XFL for I have always believed that football cheerleaders shouldn't wear clothes. With his track record for success, I would be a fool not to give WWE NXT a chance.

Tell your friends, your family, and your other personal life universes. The day that WWE NXT hits the airwaves is the day that our world will have peace. Until then, fasten a seatbelt to your chair, get in that chair, fasten the seatbelt that was fastened to that chair, and dine on some chicken NXT.


The NXT Logo
While the ECW logo was appropriately extreme, razorblades are dangerous. I know this fact, WWE knows this fact, and you should know this fact. Here's another fact: if you show razorblades on national television, children will think they are cool. Guess what, kids? Razorblades are not cool. They are the worst type of Halloween treat. If you see a razorblade, do not touch it. Do not show it to your friends. Most of all, do not try to shave with one. You are not old enough to have a beard, nor do you have knowledge of proper shaving techniques.

Due to the welcome introduction of NXT, we finally have a family-friendly logo that represents a wrestling brand in a non-threatening way. I, for one, have already fell in love with the logo. Somehow, it looks familiar to me. It's as if as though WWE took the old TNA font, stacked one letter on top of another, gave those letters a WWE logo to wear as a stylish hat, then put it on an energy drink can. If NXT was an energy drink, I would down twelve of those bad boys. Since X-Pac wouldn't promote it, I would find it pretty appealing.


The NXT General Manager
Let's face it: Tiffany was far from the best general manager on WWE television. Not only did she drive away her most talented superstars with unnecessary ultimatums, she was almost always on the losing end of trades. Months ago, I was about to propose a trade involving William Regal and Ezekiel Jackson for a hemorrhoid cushion, but she demanded a regular cushion. If Theodore Long taught Tiffany everything he knew about general managing, Tiffany should have taken a online correspondence course instead. Sadly, I think Tiffany's time as a general manger in WWE is over.

As the television debut of NXT draws near, wrestling fans should anticipate several groundbreaking, original changes. One of those changes will arise in the form of the first ever NXT General Manager. That individual will be none other than a new and improved Tiffany. Even though she still lacks a surname, she took that online correspondence course. In addition to making fair, balanced, and smart decisions in the future, the new Tiffany will be able to repair NXT's refrigerator in an instant.


The NXT Superstar Initiative
From Kelly Kelly to CM Punk, Extreme Championship Wrestling's home-grown talent were the first wrestlers to be sexy, smart, powerful, and hairy. Although the brand had its fair share of duds, ECW served its purpose as the first, solid step to WWE superstardom. Judging by the name, I assume that NXT will develop future WWE Superstars in a similar way. Like the majority of fans, I cannot wait to see the wrestlers of tomorrow today. I am pretty impatient.

As the current crop of ECW hone their craft, the NXT Superstar Initiative will breathe more life into what critics believe to be a stale brand. Reviewing this list, I cannot help but express my excitement at the possibilities. Think of the innovative feuds and intense rivalries we will see. Once NXT begins, RAW and Smackdown better take notice. Soon enough, NXT will be the number one brand in sports entertainment.

The NXT Wrestling Roster:
Caylen Croft
Christian
Ezekiel Jackson
Goldust
Gregory Helms
Rosa Mendes
Shelton Benjamn
The Hurricane
Trent Barreta
Tyler Reks
Vance Archer
Vladimir Kozlov
William Regal
Yoshi Tatsu
Matt Hardy*

*New NXT Superstars

The NXT Championship
Despite the alluring platinum sheen of Christian's ECW Championship, we must say farewell to the title. By February 23, Christian will no longer represent Extreme Championship Wrestling, but that doesn't mean he will not be a proud champion. As the first NXT Champion, Christian will have the same duties as he had prior to the brand name change. In public, he will carry himself with the dignity of a NXT Champion. In competition, he will respect his opponent while defending his championship with honour.

Although he will have numerous responsibilities, Christian will enjoy the spoils of being the new NXT Championship. Borrowing from the elements that brought popularity and prestige to the Attitude Era's WWF Championship and the WWE Undisputed Championship, the NXT Championship will be nothing but an accurate presentation of class and superiority. Ladies and gentlemen; I am happy to say that the NXT Championship belt will not be a belt at all, but Tony Atlas. Look for Christian to wear Tony Atlas around his waist on the first episode of NXT. Don't you dare miss it.


The NXT Pay-Per-View
Without question, December to Dismember will live in infamy as the first and only ECW Pay-Per-View event. While Bobby Lashley winning the ECW Championship in the Extreme Elimination Chamber was a highlight within a highlight giving birth to a highlight, every other moment and match was a definite lowlight. After that disaster, Vince McMahon swore never to give Extreme Championship Wrestling another Pay-Per-View, but ECW is no more. Because NXT is now, it's Pay-Per-View time, people.

Unlike a normal WWE Pay-Per-View, the first NXT Pay-Per-View will be three hours long, consist of six to eight matches, and showcase hilarious backstage segments. In addition, commentators Josh Mathews and Byron Saxton will paint you beautiful word pictures of the pulse-pounding and dramatic ring action that shall be synonymous with WWE NXT. D-Generation X wants to know if you're ready, giving you adequate time for readiness. On the other hand, WWE NXT doesn't care if you're ready because they have already arrived, monthly in your home for the low price of $49.95 (plus taxes and tip).

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 83rd

World Heavyweight Championship Match
The Undertaker (c) vs. Justin Bieber

There's gonna be one less MMA deadman
One less MMA deadman
There's gonna be one less MMA deadman
One less MMA deadman

How many rest in peaces
And tombstones and souls
Have you taken before?

How much eyeliner? Be honest, man
How many skulls did you drive onto the mat?
How many leather dusters did you pack?
Just take one hat, one cowboy hat
How many did you buy in-store?
Not having this anymore
If you let me look like Hilary Swank wearing a hoodie
Then, there's gonna be one less MMA deadman

Oh, oh
I saw so many pure-striking faces
Before I saw yours, yours
Now all I want to beat is yours
I'm coming for yours
No, no
Don't need these other pure-striking faces
When I've seen yours, yours
And you will be mine in the ring

There's gonna be one less MMA deadman
One less MMA deadman
One less MMA deadman
One less MMA deadman
There's gonna be one less MMA deadman
I'm gonna face you first
I'll show what your title is worth
If you let me look like Hilary Swank wearing a hoodie
Then, there's gonna be less MMA deadman

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I arrest Chris Jericho and The Hurricane for private intoxication.

AND

I mean having a daughter is like going to the NBA All-Star Weekend. It changes you. Makes you wanna take your wife to the doctor.

TNA Questioning

Is World Wrestling Entertainment ready for the new TNA? If they're not, they better get ready because Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and The Hulkamania Dumpling Gang are looking to bring Vince McMahon to his knees. As a new Monday Night War approaches us with the fastness and furiousness of a speeding Vin Diesel, WWE's monopoly of the professional wrestling industry will be threatened. One by one, disgruntled WWE employees will seek TNA for refuge. First, TNA will snatch someone insignificant, like a Carlito or a Bella Twin. Before they know it, Orlando, Florida will be seeing a lot more of Triple H.

Although TNA's climb to the top of wrestling mountain will be difficult, they possess the tools to make it there. Their figurehead is wrestling's most recognizable and charismatic figure. His right-hand man has quite the creative mind for business. With their physically and athletically gifted roster, I don't see how Total Nonstop Action could fail. In fact, I think Hogan's TNA will be an outstanding, overnight success.

Sometimes, I question WWE’s ability to make an entertaining product. On the contrary, I rarely doubt TNA. Do not doubt me either and read my previous articles. Just take my word for it when I say that I rarely doubt TNA. You see, TNA does so many things right. For me, these past few weeks of TNA programming have been a privilege to watch. I never thought a wrestling promotion could do so well. As long as TNA keeps it simple, sexy, and clean, I don't see how they can't usurp WWE of their number one spot. With Hogan and Bischoff at the helm, TNA is going into this battle as the overwhelming favourite.

Last night, I took a walk outside and saw a message written in the stars. That message must have been in Portuguese or something because I didn't understand it. After consulting with a starry-night translator, I was told that the stars predicted that TNA will defeat WWE in under a year. We must not deny the truth of their fate.


Question: How come four sides are better than six?
As a wrestling ring shape purist, I like my rings to be square. I don't like rectangular rings, mostly due to their unequal sides. Pentagonal rings irritate me as I cannot buy into the concept of wrestlers willing to compete in pentagonal spaces. Most of all, TNA's hexagonal ring made me change the channel. The moment I caught a glimpse of a six-sided ring on my television screen, a mysterious force lifted my hand, moved it to the remote control, picked up the remote control, pushed my finger on the channel change button, and put it to a Degrassi: The Next Generation rerun. Now that Hogan and Bischoff have brought back the traditional squared circle, I am ready and willing to enjoy some TNA wrestling.

They’re wrestling in a neat, little box. I love it.


Question: Why wasn't AJ Styles the new Nature Boy from the start?
Before Ric Flair appeared by his side, AJ Styles was a fliptastic wrestling wonder with a goofy personality, enhanced by a strong Southern accent. As the new incarnation of the Nature Boy, AJ Styles has become a fliptastic, wrestling wonder who parties with gorgeous women by talking to them, showing them his suits, and talking to them some more. Meanwhile, Ric Flair holds his TNA World Championship.

I used to live that high life. Also, I still live that high life. For once in TNA's existence, they have a character whom I can get behind. I love talking to gorgeous women. Every time gorgeous women visit me, I keep my closet wide open so my suit collection can serve as an effective conversation piece: “Enough about yourselves, ladies. Have you seen these grey suits I got for a discount price at Sears?” In addition, I love talking to gorgeous women for a second time, mostly after I am done showing them my suits.

Due to this dramatic transformation, I can see it in AJ's eyes. He's comfortable in his role. This persona is more true to life than any other persona in the business. AJ Styles is stylin', profilin', and talkin' like Ric Flair. If Flair is Space Mountain, Styles is an attraction at Disney's California Adventure. If I had to guess, I say that Styles is either The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror or Muppet Vision in 3-D. They’re both good attractions, though.


Question: Is Hulk Hogan a classically-trained actor?
I already knew Hulk Hogan was immortal, but I never knew he was a gifted actor until he arrived in TNA. No matter how many times I watched a double bill of Mr. Nanny and Thunder in Paradise, I thought of Hogan as a wrestler trying to act. Now that he is involved in every other backstage segment, I think of Hogan as an actor showing off his craft. Without saying a word, Hulk Hogan is able to tell an entire story with his face and bandana.

I would like to train under the tutelage of this master thespian and learn what it truly means to act. With his help, I could win myself an Oscar, just like Earl Hebner will win one this year for his portrayal of a prisoner turned tooth fairy in The Shawshank Tooth Fairy.


Question: How come Bubba The Love Sponge is super awesome?
Just when you thought that Jeremy Borash would usher TNA into a bug-eyed, moon-faced revolution, Bubba The Love Sponge entered the company and brought light into your dark world. So far, Bubba's interviewing skills have proven that he is twice the man that Borash is, and four times the man of a female version of Borash. Without question, he is my new idol. If Bubba The Love Sponge told me to jump off a bridge, not only would I jump off that bridge, I would do so while not thinking about Haiti (like he suggested I should).

World Wrestling Entertainment really dropped the ball by not signing Bubba to a lucrative, multi-year deal. Then again, I am glad they didn't because TNA wouldn't have the privilege to call him Bubba The Love Sponge. For legal reasons, he would probably be Brother The Love Sponge. Wait a second. That still sounds super awesome. Bubba The Love Sponge: a sponge in which you can expel your love.


Question: Why don't you convince Awesome Kong to stay?
While I am aware that Awesome Kong and Bubba The Love Sponge have their differences (Awesome Kong is a woman and Bubba The Love Sponge is a love sponge), I don't see how these two tremendous talents can't co-exist in TNA. From what I can tell, Total Nonstop Action is a big company. At the very least, Kong and Bubba must have separate washrooms. Unless Hogan and Bischoff can give me a good reason as to why a monstrous, female powerhouse does not belong in their company, she should not be tossed aside.

Awesome Kong may not be that much of a looker, but she will be a benefit to TNA in the long run. I bet Hogan and Bischoff have no clue how many carriages she can pull by herself in the dead of winter. Once they find themselves stuck on the Oregon Trail in the mid 1800s, they will be sorry.


Question: Do you recall that Mr. Anderson joke?
Ken Anderson's exhilarating debut in TNA reminds me of a joke. Ken Anderson, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar. The rabbi orders an ice tea. The priest orders a Diet Coke. Ken Anderson is a liar. Scratch that. I forgot how the joke goes. Let me try another one. Knock, knock. Now you say, "Who's there?" Who's there? Ken Anderson? Now you say, "Ken Anderson who?" Ken Anderson who? Ken Anderson injured himself. Aw nuts. I'll get back to you. Once I do, prepare to laugh.


Question: How did The Nasty Boys get in shape?
The return of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags to professional wrestling brought me to the following realization: They are nasty, they are boys, and they must have hit the gym. With Hogan's involvement in the company, Knobbs' arrival to TNA was a given. Although, I didn't think that he would be in such great shape. The chiselled physiques of Knobbs and Sags will surely send a message to everyone in TNA. If they don't work out, they might as well get out of the business.

At their age, I wonder how The Nasty Boys manage to keep fit. While I am still a young man, I still have a long way to go before I get as cut as these two gentlemen. What do they use? Perhaps they're drinking that Slim Fast, downing those liquid strawberries. Maybe they're hip-hopping it to Hip Hop Abs. In their free time, I bet they're using that Bowflex, flexing them bows. As for me, I don't flex bows. I'm not fit enough.


Question: When are you going to give Orlando Jordan the TNA World Championship?
The days of Orlando Jordan writing the letters O and J with his hands before walking down the ramp are over. That was WWE's Orlando Jordan, also known as the inferior version of Orland Jordan. This time around, the era of TNA's Orlando Jordan has begun. Vince Russo claims that Jordan carries himself like a star. In my opinion, I think Jordan carries himself like a Whoopi Goldberg with Amazing Kong hair and a Ric Flair robe. In other words, I agree with Vince Russo. For goodness sake, Whoopi Goldberg is on The View. Anyone who resembles such an important entertainer as Whoopi deserves a main event spot. After all, Whoopi was the original Goldberg before Billiam came along.

As my patience thins, I eagerly await Jordan's first world championship reign. Once he wins the coveted title, I shall celebrate a thousand celebrations. A majority of those celebrations will involve Jordan's friends and allies, such as Doug Basham. Danny Basham has plans.


Question: How come the TNA audience doesn’t react like Brooke Hogan?
I see the TNA fans' lips moving, but I don't hear nothing. Everybody is reacting like they don't like the new TNA. From her enthusiastic attitude alone, Brooke Hogan is the only true TNA fan in the Impact Zone. She cheers for the good guys, jeers the bad guys, and sits next to her future stepmother, who is Brooke in about five years. Those fans could learn a lot from Brooke. Not only could they learn how to properly act and react like the cast members that they are, they could learn how to sing as good as her, too. Obviously, they would need Paul Wall's help as well, but who doesn't need his help?

Keep doing what you're doing, Brooke Hogan. Those fans are only telling you to sit down because they’re jealous. They don't know how to be stand-up human beings. For your honour, I will take on every member of that audience in a fist fight. Somebody get my boxing glove. I have but one boxing glove, so someone get me a wool mitten.


Question: How come the ladies love Sean Morley?
How come the ladies love Sean Morley? Their faces say no, but deep inside, I bet they're saying no with slight hesitation.