When the internet was invented by yours truly in the early 1900s, I never expected the likes of Top Rope Theatre to rear its beautiful head. Like you, I was weary of the internet. At first, the idea of an information super highway sounded scary, dangerous, and more difficult to drive through than an information regular highway. I wasn't ready for the traffic. I wasn't ready to have my life threatened by a road-raged, fat man in a suit, wielding a thermos in one hand and a machete in the other. I couldn't understand how this world wide web could enrich my very being. Then, one day, Top Rope Theatre came along and changed everything.
Today, I continue to revisit the instant classic that is Top Rope Theatre. When your life is down in the dumpiest of dumps, Top Rope Theatre will be there to pull you up again. Before I watched this program, I never experienced happiness. Time after time, I would attempt to buy it in temporary doses, but I never got something that could last. As I exist before you this week, I thank Top Rope Theatre for making me happy. In my opinion, you must watch this show. I don't like to blow things out of proportion, but if you don't watch this show, a hellish sea monster from the deep will leap from the muddy waters and devour you and your loved ones. I wouldn't want that to happen. You shouldn't want that to happen, either.
The suspense is killing me slowly with its suspenseful song. If I don't find out what is to become of WWE legends Jim Duggan and Irwin R. Shyster, I will probably not find out. I can't deal with that kind of reality. I am strong on the outside, but on the outside, I have a creamy centre. The consistency is nougat-like, but it is not genuine nougat. I cannot explain it in words with much accuracy. You will have to taste it for yourself. By then, you should know what I'm talking about when I refer to the term "nougat-like." Regardless, I am prepared to be shocked and awed. Top Rope Theatre will hit me with a double-axe handle of drama. With this news, my creamy centre is getting creamier.
If I don't talk to you again, I leave my valuables to you for I shall be lost in Top Rope Theatre for the remainder of my days. While RAW, Smackdown, and ECW provide fans with sports in an entertaining fashion, I will be on the internet, sitting in my comfy, top rope seat.
On this episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, a shirtless John Cena promotes Gilette Fusion Power. Sorry, John Cena. If you can't impress the ladies with a shirt, you are no ladies man. I'm currently wearing ten shirts on top of one another. As Shad and JTG get in Irwin R. Shyster's face, IRS is wearing some sort of Amish interrogation suit. Well, it's not entirely Amish. A WWE seamstress used some electricity to make it.
Mickie James appears behind Shyster and demands to know the whereabouts of one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Shyster says he doesn't know where Hacksaw is. He claims that kidnapping is almost as bad as not paying your taxes. In conclusion, Irwin R. Shyster has never kidnapped someone before. You should try it. It feels pretty good. After Cryme Tyme puts a black bag over IRS' head, Shyster warns them that they better release him by April 15th. In turn, Mickie insists that he won't make it to April 15th. I'm guessing IRS and Duggan have been released by now. If not, there are two kidnapped skeletons out there, somewhere in the ether. One is carrying a 2x4, infested with termites. The other is wearing an Amish interrogation suit. Termites haven't touched the suit because it is not made of out wood. In addition, it is Amish.
Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby to swap our hostages. Chris Jericho has the final word on personal style, which is why he uses the Gilette Fusion Power razor. If he keeps up with that attitude, I'm not going to use the Gilette Fusion Power razor at all. In place of the razor, I think I will use a butcher knife in the dark and see what happens. With her hostage in tow, Mickie asks an individual if he or she has Hacksaw. From another corner, Kelly Kelly brings out a man in a black cloak and says that they are being watched. Of course they are being watched. This is Top Rope Theatre — the number one episodic, internet, WWE soap opera in the history of episodic, internet, WWE soap operas. In fact, I'm watching them right now. For someone who is being watched, Kelly Kelly sure walks in a sultry manner. The only time I'd walk like that is if I was running from a killer in a horror movie and had to cross a fashion runway to escape. At that moment, I'd work it.
In anticipation for the exchange, Mickie unmasks IRS, who wore his glasses under that thing the whole time. What does he need to see in that bag? Nothing? When Kelly unmasks her hostage, former professional wrestler and current WWE backstage worker Tony Garea shows his face. Because everyone knows who Tony Garea is, this surprise was rather pleasant. Mickie accuses Kelly Kelly of the old double-cross, only for Kelly to deny that she had any knowledge of the double-crossing. How is she going to sexily walk out of this predicament? Next, Tony Garea stresses that he is "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, USA chants and all. I bought it at first, until I found out that I had eyes that could see. Suddenly, Goldust makes an appearance. He asks IRS to help him with his taxes. Shyster replies that Goldust not only needs help with his taxes, but requires assistance on other things as well. Yeah, like retrieving his receipts. He thought they were in a shoebox, but now Goldust doesn't remember. How could he be so careless with his receipts?
Give me an hour alone with Kelly Kelly and she will know who her daddy is... for I will conduct a lengthy and thorough private investigation and reveal my findings within that hour. While Kelly is trying to sleep, think, or regain control of her digestive system (her facial expression is vague), the spirit of "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan questions why she won't help him. After stressing that he will never be free without her help, Duggan reveals a secret. Kelly insists that her father is a claims adjuster, which is slang for set piece designer of softcore erotica. In a startling revelation, "Hacksaw" says that he is Kelly Kelly's father. Therefore, Kelly Kelly's real name is "Hacksaw" Duggan Duggan. I think that's how it works. To be honest, I'm not sure.
Kelly Kelly replies that there is no way she came from Duggan's loins. I agree with Kelly. Jim Duggan is too attractive to be her father. From this non-existent list of WWE legends in my hand, I think Kelly Kelly's father is a 7. In other words, her father is George "The Animal" Steele. His body was a hairy wonderland. Waking up from her dream, Kelly is relieved, only to find a 2x4 on the floor. Sorry about that, Kelly. The other day, I left my 2x4 near your backstage sofa. When I'm bored, I often compare certain appendages of mine to pieces of wood. Mine are larger. Plus, you can build more structures with them.
Tonight at 11, Cody Rhodes shaves his back. He hasn't learned anything from George "The Animal" Steele. Does he want to be popular with the ladies, or does he want to be Cody Rhodes? In a survey polling 100 people, 68 ladies said that a hairless Cody Rhodes is a 3. Meanwhile, 32 men were disgusted with the survey, but rated him a 4 somehow. Back in the never-ending hallway, Shad and JTG want nothing to do with a group of bounty hunters. This group includes Tommy "Where Dreams May Bounty Hunt" Dreamer, Dolph "Bounty Hunter Boba Dolph" Ziggler, Charlie "World's Greatest Bounty Hunter" Haas, Jamie "By Bounty-Hunting God" Noble, and Michael "Vintage Bounty Hunt" Cole. I don't know what Cryme Tyme is talking about here. I couldn't ask for a better team of bounty hunters. Their disgust must stem from that survey I conducted. Shad rated hairless Cody as a 5 before crossing it out and writing, "I am super straight. You got that, survey? I like girls." Sure you do, Shad. Sure you do.
Mickie James paces before the group and puts up a "substantial reward" for the bounty hunter who finds Duggan. Where I come from, a substantial reward means one of two things: sexual favours or party favours. Michael Cole looks like someone who has an insufficient number of neon-coloured kazoos. I'm rooting for him. In order to receive the reward, Mickie emphasizes that the bounty hunter must find Duggan alive. Cole ends the episode by saying, "Oh my!" You better get those party favours, Cole. Stop wearing newspaper.
When Jamie Noble and Michael Cole come together, their bodies interlock to form one gigantic robot I like to call "The Coblebot 3000." This robot wins lotteries and suffers backstage molestations in the intimate company of Heidenreich. The Coblebot 3000 shows promise, but needs more work. This is the hallway that never ends. And this is Michael Cole practicing his Cole-isms in said never-ending hallway. I like that Cole does not take himself too seriously. He pokes fun of his toolish announcing style and calls his fans "The Cole Miners." Then again, I don't take him seriously in the first place. By the way, "The Cole Miners" is no match for "The Cole-lition." You're living in the present, Michael Cole. Do you know why? I just gave you a gift.
In the middle of his "Cole Roll," Jamie Noble pitches a plan to him: Noble will pretend to rescue "Hacksaw" and Cole will collect the reward; as one, they will double-cross Cryme Tyme. Shad and JTG deserve it — especially Shad and his Ed Hardy t-shirt. In response, Michael Cole freaks out at him. He's freakin' Michael Cole. He's got non-astronaut Tang back at the hotel. He has an impressive Cole Pole. Despite Cole's hesitance to join Noble in his cause, Jamie tells him that the hard part is over. Behind a set of never-ending hallway doors stands a confused and hungry "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, wondering what has happened to him. With the milk already poured, Cole and Noble are ready to add the Ovaltine. Oh my indeed, Cole. Today, it's non-astronaut tang. Tomorrow, it's non-astronaut Ovaltine. If you don’t want to be an astronaut, just say so. You can only avoid confrontation for so long.
That's nice of the mystery mastermind to take superstars, divas, and bounties alike out to dinner. Times are tough, but generosity is not for the mastery mastermind. Why yes. They are all ready to order. They will have the caviar-stuffed lobster in money sauce. Thanks again. Ready to turn in their hacksawing meal ticket to Mickie James, Jamie Noble asks Michael Cole if they are clear on the plan. At this point, Jamie Noble is wearing a leather jacket and other regular clothes. The mystery mastermind must have bought them for him. Your two for two, mystery mastermind. Michael Cole asks Noble if he looks like Todd Grisham, then recites the plan to him. How dare you compare yourself to the Pope Todd Grisham, even in jest. He's a papal treasure. You know what? Forget it. I don't want you to have those party favours. You don't deserve them anymore. Newspaper hats for life.
When Duggan wonders what Cole and Noble mean by pretending to hand him over to Mickie, Michael proposes to strike Duggan with a vintage slap across the face. Your two for two for making me angry, Michael Cole. You're pushing it. You're pushing it real good. Cole calls over Mickie James and Cryme Tyme to tell them the good news, though finds them laid out on the floor instead. Returning to tell his co-conspirator the bad news, he finds Noble and Duggan on the floor as well. To end the episode, he meets the off-camera, mystery mastermind. After offering him (or her) booze and almost-clean women, the mastermind knocks Cole out with a towel full of ether, made possible by my newfound, concentrated hatred for him. The fire still burns, Michael Cole.
The mystery man must use Gilette Fusion Power. How do you explain such a smooth and close shave? Sane people can’t shave that well. Announcer Howard Finkel explains that the mastermind behind this devious plot has orchestrated brilliant acts of larceny, blackmail, loitering, identity fraud, backstabbing, voyeurism, and even kidnapping. I don't know about you, but to me, this plot has Gilette Fusion Power written and shaved all over it. With their hands tied above their heads, Kelly Kelly and Mickie James squirm in place. This mastermind is a kinky genius. Also, he is WWE Hall of Famer Howard Luscious Finkel.
Mickie James tells Howard that he will never get away with this. Kelly Kelly states that someone will save them. Before the episode ends, Howard urges the audience to tune in next time for the epic conclusion of Top Rope Theatre. Howard Finkel is powered by Gilette Fusion Power. His head was always so shiny, but I never knew why. Now, I know. I should've told an adult or someone I trust. It’s too late. It’s over. I will have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
Okay. I'm over it. Let's eat string cheese.
Channelling The Joker, Howard Finkel explains his plot in front of the Top Rope Theatre players. At the same time, he stares down at a cup of coffee. Obviously, he is reading from a script, carefully drawn with cream atop the coffee in the cup. He envisioned the WWE Universe to be nothing but piece and harmony, which is weird because I envisioned the WWE Universe to be a bunch of planets and stars. He stresses that each and everyone one of them is selfish, self-centered, and a "me" attitude. How can you be a "me" attitude? That doesn't make sense in Top Rope Theatre: the soap opera that makes perfect sense. Taking a drink from his cup, Howard coughs and collapses onto the floor. He shouldn't have drank the script.
Staring at him in silence, the group turns their attention to Michael Cole. He asks why they are looking at him. I'll tell you why they're looking at you, Michael. You insulted the Pope Todd Grisham. Now you are going to pay with your soul. According to The Undertaker, souls are equal in value to championship belts. I want yours so I can put it on my mantle. In his hand, Cole uncovers a small container of poison. One last time, he says, "Oh my!" and runs away. What an asscole.
In four weeks, the second season of Top Rope Theatre will begin. It is now October Something. Four weeks in Sports Entertainmentese must mean never.
Top Rope Theatre fell from the top rope and landed awkwardly below, touching my heart. Once Pope Todd Grisham receives an apology from Michael Cole, he shall bless the next season of this wonderful internet show.
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