Days of our Lives. The Young and the Restless. Passions. Top Rope Theatre. One of these things is not like the other. One of these things does not belong. Unlike the first three soap operas, I consider World Wrestling Entertainment's Top Rope Theatre to be the best drama in the history of professional wrestling dramas. Take that, other professional wrestling dramas that I cannot name at the moment. If you want intrigue, Top Rope Theatre has some for you. If you want thrills, you better get them on the top rope right now. And finally, if you want Derek — the WWE employee in charge of merchandise — you got yourself a loving spoonful of Derek. Who are you kidding? You can't get enough of Derek. Give in to temptation.
Even though Top Rope Theatre is not a new feature of WWE's official website, I can’t help myself. I must look back at the show that swept the online wrestling nation. Advertisers believe that wrestling fans are the lowest of the low brow, but how can they think such a thing when Top Rope Theatre is wallowing in its own excellence, right before their faces? On WWE.com, seventeen glorious episodes of Top Rope Theatre are available for viewing, ready to take you on a dramatic journey that you will not soon forget. Before I watched this show, I was wearing ten pairs of socks and pants. Without warning, Top Rope Theatre blew those socks and pants clean off my body.
As a professional wrestling analyst, people assume that I am a surly and pessimistic person. Since I aim to criticize, they think I can't enjoy the little things that make wrestling an entertaining entertainment sport. Today, I say to you that I am no such professional wrestling analyst. The job may make me six figures, but deep down, I am a fan like each and every one of you. I like what I like and I likes Top Rope Theatre.
In the future, I urge WWE to make more internet programs such as this one. Forget about your "Word Up." Leave "The Dirt Sheet" in its own filth. I am an individual who prefers theatrical entertainment at high elevations. Take me higher, World Wrestling Entertainment. Let me face the problem of low oxygen levels at such an altitude. I can handle it.
In the backstage hallway that never ends, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan holds his 2x4 and sulks. I don't get Duggan. Whenever I'm walking down a never-ending backstage hallway with a 2x4 in my hands, I'm pretty happy at the prospect of encountering a tree house that is missing part of its wall. He comes across a concerned JTG, who is more concerned than usual because he still can't see through the writing on his sunglasses. Meanwhile, Shad Gaspard is concerned to a normal degree. After being snubbed from a spot in a WWE Intercontinental Title Tournament, Duggan tells Cryme Tyme that he will never win a championship. In response, JTG insists that he has an idea for Duggan that will be better than winning a title. If this idea involves Hacksaw cleaning the writing off his sunglasses, I think Duggan should decline.
Next week, Shad guarantees that Cryme Tyme is going to hook Duggan up with something. Maybe they can hook Duggan's 2x4 up with a nail. They share an awkward gangster handshake, which involves snapping your fingers as if you're from West Side Story. I don't have to pretend for I am from West Side Story. I will win the 2005 Royal Rumble tonight. That's right.
On this episode of Top Rope Theatre, we have buffering. A whole lot of buffering, which is the term that Michael Buffer uses when he is pleasuring the ladies. A snapshot recap of the previous, one-minute episode appears to remind everyone that they have bad, short-term memories. In the locker room, Duggan walks in with a stack of dollar-dollar bills. Apparently, the WWE Shop commercial that was a parody of the Geico commercial made him some sweet scratch, but I am not convinced. Maybe those bills represented the money he saved by switching to Geico. Cryme Tyme look in awe at the money, with JTG lowering his sunglasses to see the dough. If those sunglasses are going to impair his vision that much, perhaps JTG shouldn't wear them anymore.
Next week, Cryme Tyme insist that the real money will come in next week. I knew Duggan's money was fake. Those bills looked too motionless to me. I bet they felt like over-inflated European handballs. Cryme Tyme ends the video by teaching Duggan how to do the gangster handshake while agreeing with them when they say, "Money, money." I won't agree with them until I get my hands on some natural money in this piece.
This episode of Top Rope Theatre is brought to you by the video recap. Recapture the moment. Recapture life. After Cryme Tyme mumbles a few ways to punch adversaries in the grill, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan shows up with more money than before. JTG is impressed because he finally sees clearly now. His sunglasses are gone. Cryme Tyme congratulates Duggan for a job decently done, though "Hacksaw" wonders if what they're doing is legal. I'm sure it is legal for two African-Americans and one, middle-aged, Caucasian male to talk in an empty locker room. This is 2009, not 1009.
Cryme insists that what they're doing is, in fact, legal. Next week, Cryme Tyme informs Duggan they will use the money he has made to make more money. As they say, money doesn't grow on trees. They grow on other money. Top Rope Theatre is getting intense. I don't think I can take the suspense much longer. Soon enough, I may have to switch to Middle Rope Theatre, which is a much less dangerous form of theatre.
Before this episode begins, I would like to tell everyone that I am back on the top rope. I attribute my newfound confidence to several heavy doses of Human Confidence Hormone (HCH). On this top rope, I will perform a Shooting Star Press through flaming hoops into a pile of piranhas, or I will simply watch this next episode. I believe I will do the latter. In the never-ending hallway, JTG asks Shad to speak to Duggan on a walkie-talkie. Duggan is old school, but he's probably too old school. I get that he isn't a part of the cell phone generation. With that said, he should own a pager. Without an answer, JTG takes the walkie-talkie and announces that Phase 3 of their plot is starting. Duggan doesn't know about Phase 3. If anything, Phase 3 is too current for him. He communicates with a walkie-talkie, fellows.
A mysterious female voice, referring to herself as "Jackrabbit Slim," responds to Cryme Tyme's message. Jackrabbit Slim is a horrible codename. What happens if Jackrabbit Slim gains a few pounds? It would be over. Speaking of gaining a few pounds, Mickie James — the current WWE Divas Champion — appears to greet Shad and JTG. By the way, my apologies. Bad jokes don't belong on the internet. They are the internet. Mickie asks Cryme Tyme to cut the charade for she is Jackrabbit Slim. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. That wasn't a bad joke after all. It was only in bad taste. Score one for me. Minimal weight gain. This HCH is really working. In the end, Mickie wants in to something. I assume she means the plot. Fair enough.
Looks like Duggan, James, and Cryme Tyme are doing the good old Earl Hebner Special. Oh, Human Confidence Hormone makes me feel so good. At the same time, why does everybody else feel so bad? Do they need any Human Confidence Hormone? I can lend some to them. Just say when and I will call for the bell and sprint the hell out of Montreal. Backstage, Mickie James flirts with Derek (a WWE employee from the merchandise department) to get a hold of those sweet, sweet, discounted Mordecai tea cozies. In 2006, I would have fallen for it, but not now. No skirt, no service. Derek proves he is weak by falling for Mickie's charms.
Aiding as a convenient distraction, Mickie allows Duggan to sneak up behind Derek and snag some t-shirts. As Duggan slinks away, he meets Irwin R. Shyster, who shakes his head in disgust. Why don't you stop judging "Hacksaw" and start doing somebody's taxes, IRS? Duggan doesn't need your scorn. At the very least, he needs a pager.
For your information, arena cops are similar to mall cops, except they have less authority and Segways. Also, "Big Dick" Richard Johnson cannot be a cop for he already has a job as a big, oily, and fat male stripper who doubles as an official member of the RAW roster. I think he took Duggan's spot in that WWE Intercontinental Title Tournament. This episode begins with Mickie and Hacksaw opening up a silver briefcase in the never-ending hallway. The briefcase lights up because I think there are lights inside of it. As Mickie proclaims this day to be the greatest ever, Richard Johnson enters the never-ending hallway to clip on his tie. Clip-on ties are lame. In my opinion, paint-on ties are fashionable. Officer Johnson tells Mickie and Duggan that he is watching them, along with Cryme Tyme. In this economy, he sure watches a lot of people when he could be stripping.
When Mickie recognizes Johnson as the stripper, he flips out at them. Look, Richard Johnson. Don't take that tone with Mickie James and Jim Duggan. Your moustache does not give you the right to yell at people. Only your g-string has the right, but you’re wearing regular underwear at the moment, aren’t you? While Johnson tries to arrest the two and take their case, James and Hacksaw make a run for it. Strip your way out of this predicament, Giant Ricardo.
You know, The Riddler has a mysterious package. When he wanders around Gotham in his question-mark Underoos, leaving clues for Batman, he calls the man region his mysterious package. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope they're not looking for that package. Rey Mysterio has something called a mysterious package, too. Although, I don't think his package is a mystery to anyone for it is the biggest little package. Previously on Top Rope Theatre, lights were found in a briefcase. This time on Top Rope Theatre, Mickie James and Cryme Tyme have an argument about returning phone calls to each other in the never-ending hallway. Since never-ending hallways usually have poor reception, they should forgive and forget. Two bars is always unacceptable. While they try to figure out the whereabouts of one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Kelly Kelly interrupts the argument carrying a mysterious package, addressed to Cryme Tyme. If this package comes from Jeremy Piven, our family band is over. I'm taking Kelly off tambourine. Don't test me.
Inside the package lies a broken 2x4, an American flag, and a note: "I know what you're up to. I know your plan. Surrender your profits to me, or your friend will face the consequences." What a relief. Jeremy Piven doesn’t talk that way, which means that Dr. Ken is the sender. On second thought, that realization is not much of a relief.
Stop getting into other people's business, IRS. Don't bring Kelly Kelly into this auditing scheme either. Despite her flaws and poor decisions in life, she is a good girl. She knows her way around a tambourine. In Schyster's office, which is made up of a chair, a desk, and two pictures on the wall, Kelly Kelly wonders what he plans to do with "Hacksaw." At this moment, she shows concern by wearing a pink, torn t-shirt with her bra exposed. In my view, that is the appropriate means to show concern. Kelly tells IRS that she does not want her friends to get hurt, but Irwin is having none of it. They are not paying taxes with the money they are making. Plus, they got that briefcase with lights in it.
With Shyster doing her taxes, Kelly has reluctantly chosen to help him in his scheme. Wait. Kelly Kelly has taxes? That's not possible. I thought the government excused attractive people from doing taxes. The Canadian government has excused me for years. I don't even pay tax when I buy things. Rather than charging tax on my purchases, stores give me freshly-baked cookies instead. If Kelly Kelly could play tambourine as well as she could act, she wouldn't be very good.
You deserve it, Irwin R. Shyster. Hostage-taking is what you get for bringing Kelly Kelly into your plan. In the never-ending hallway, Kelly Kelly asks Mickie if it is safe to talk there. In my experiences with never-ending hallways, they are safe for quiet discussions, but I wouldn't throw a penny down one. You're never going to get it back. Kelly informs Mickie that Duggan will be harmed if they don't do something quick. Before Kelly reveals who has Duggan hostage, Cryme Tyme walks in with a box of IRS' things. Hostage exchange next week, homeboy. Yeah, yeah-uh.
Cryme Tyme loves hostage exchanges. One hostage goes there, and the other goes over there. So awesome. Taxes, taxes. No, no. If someone ever tried to make me pay taxes, I'd throw those taxes down the never-ending hallway.
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