The gift of song has told us that the children are our future. As for World Wrestling Entertainment, the rising talent of today are the superstars of tomorrow. World Championship Wrestling failed as a promotion for its inability to elevate young stars to the next level. On second thought, WCW realized their error, but their realization came about three years too late. Without competition, Vince McMahon and WWE can do what they want with their talent roster, but they must be careful. Soon enough, they too may suffer the same fate of their former counterpart. Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and the Undertaker can only wrestle in a convincing fashion for so long until their matches appear as though twenty year olds are trying to beat up their great-grandfathers from Florida.
Arguably, the current roster is the greatest mix of talent and personalities in the history of the company. In the main event scene, you have a steady group of heavyweight stars. In the mid- and low-card, you have your share of fast and technically-sound lightweights. On the other hand, what is talent if you don't use it right? In my eyes, World Wrestling Entertainment is guilty of two things. First of all, they are guilty of loving too much. Secondly, they are guilty of overexposing their main event, creating top-heavy shows that fail to promote new wrestlers in a meaningful way. You would think that WCW's demise has given WWE reason to deviate from their formula. Yet, here we are in 2009, watching the same main event matches over and over again. If I could only see Randy Orton versus Triple H one last time, I would finally be happy.
Vince McMahon and WWE will always make money. They were millionaires before, and they will continue to be millionaires until they are unable to make any more John Cena merchandise. Although, with the way they handle their younger wrestlers, they don't seem like they want to make as much money as possible. Moderation is a good thing, but Vince has never been one for moderation. Over the years, I have presented methods for WWE to make many a fortune, but they chose to ignore me. So, go ahead and put on your earmuffs, WWE. If you're not listening, I don't feel like talking to you. I'm too busy rolling in all this money you don't want.
The glass ceiling of WWE cannot be seen by the naked eye, but my fully-clothed eye can see it clearly. Future superstars, get your Tylenol. You're about to bump your heads against that ceiling for several years. That is some strong glass.
Without much effort, Yoshi Tatsu has become a star in ECW. Maybe it's the way he bows and says, "Thank you." Maybe it's his superior karaoke skills. Maybe — just maybe — it's his crazy hair. I bet he told his hairdresser to make him look like a flamboyant magician. Tatsu's hairdresser obliged until he became the victim of a freak hair-drying accident. As a reminder of his fallen friend, Tatsu has kept that bit of blonde in his hair. I, for one, salute you, Yoshi.
I can count the number of successful Asian wrestlers in WWE on one hand, three of which are Tajiri. My apologies. I don’t count well in low-pressure situations. In my opinion, Yoshi Tatsu has a long road ahead of him — a road full of Asian jokes involving chopsticks, sushi, and karate. While he may get over that hump that Asian wrestlers before him could not, that is a mighty big hump. Funaki is trying to karate chop that hump as we speak. If Funaki can't become a world champion, Yoshi can forget about it. He should give up now. He might as well put a saddle on his back and start transporting Mario around the Mushroom Kingdom.
When he was the most exciting part of ECW, Evan Bourne was a true superstar. Not only could he show off his high-flying moves in lengthy matches, he didn't have to compete for screen time with the likes of Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Chris Jericho, The Big Show, and Jerry Lawler's glittery t-shirts. As of this writing, Evan Bourne is a floundering fish at the bottom of the RAW sea, struggling to get one minute of exposure against The Bella Twins, who get to appear on Monday nights for no reason. If I had a twin, we would run roughshod over WWE so fast. We would be twice as sexy, smart, and powerful as Nikki and Brie. Scantily clad, we would carry large barbells over our heads, wearing old-fashioned moustaches and singlets. At the same time, we would teach nuclear science to inner-city schoolchildren.
You might think that Broune palling it up with Hornswoggle is good for his career, but I beg to differ. Take one retrospective look into Hornswoggle's life in WWE and you shall see the truth. With Hornswoggle, Finlay, the Belfast Bruiser, turned into a guy who loved to do fanciful jigs and carry inflatable shillelaghs. In opposition to the leprechaun, Chavo Guerrero, the Mexican Warrior, became a punching bag in cow's clothing. If Bourne continues to associate himself with Hornswoggle, he will never get to that next level, that upper echelon of RAW. He will never get to steal the WWE United States Championship, which has been passed around like a town prostitute riding a bicycle as of late. I'm sure that is how the saying goes. That town prostitute gets around alright. She transports herself from one place to another via bicycle. She doesn't make enough money to buy her own car.
Together, Carlito and Primo Colon were an efficient and entertaining tag team. Before they came along, I never thought talented portions of the large intestine could become the first ever WWE Unified Tag Team Champions. In the end, they proved me wronger than wrong. Despite their success, tag teams don't last forever in WWE, especially if they consist of brothers. Now that they are apart, Carlito and Primo simply exist as members of the RAW roster. They are just there. Carlito is with Rosa Mendes sometimes, apparently teaching her how to not wrestle. As for Primo, he is pumping his fists and doing cartwheels in the back as everyone stands before him, wondering if has come from the year 1985. For the sake of the goodness in all of us, they could have been the next Hardy Boyz, except more Puerto Rican. If WWE still wants Rosa Mendes to be with Carlito, she could have been their Lita. She can land on her head, almost breaking her neck, too. She does it all the time. She does it in her sleep.
Without his brother, I don't see a bright future for Primo. Go ahead, young man. Come out to an entrance theme that sounds like Rico Suave invaded Gloria Estefan's recording session at gunpoint. I don't think it matters when you, your children, and your grandchildren will be facing Jack Swagger on WWE Superstars until the end of time. By the way, the end of time is the year 2012. At that time, go down with the rest of them, or join John Cusack in a charter plane. Whether he is RAW, Smackdown, or ECW, Primo Colon is not prime colon. He is B-Grade at best.
For those of you who doubt WWE's love for Dolph Ziggler, please refer to The Rock's tremendous promo on the Tenth Anniversary Edition of Smackdown. You didn't hear about Ted DiBiase, nor did The Rock talk about Cody Rhodes. Who in the phthalo blue hell is Dolph Ziggler, you say? Dolph is the next great WWE megastar, I say. He'll appear in several WWE Films, including Boogie Days, which is about a child film star who carries around a prosthetic lunchbox. If you ask me, that lunchbox looks kind of real. I have never seen another man's lunchbox in my life, but compared to mine, that looks real. You know what else is real? The Ziggling One, zigzagging his way to the top of World Wrestling Entertainment.
Critics claim that Dolph Ziggler will have a difficult time becoming a top star with such a ridiculous name. In the past, Val Venis' name alone prevented him from turning into a respected champion. While Dolph Ziggler is not the best name you could give a wrestler, I think his talent and charisma will pick up the slack. Look at the Undertaker. Look at The Ultimate Warrior. How about The Big Show? Also, Kurt Angle. What do all they have in common? Stupid, cartoonish, and cheesy names. Oh, Kurt Angle. Next time, come up with a name that doesn't sound fake, sir.
Kurt? Seriously? Kurt Angle? That name makes you laugh out loud as you roll on the floor, losing your ass. I retain my ass, though. That's how I do.
With Zack Ryder as a member of its roster, Extreme Championship Wrestling becomes a whole lot douchier. To me, Zack Ryder's New Jersey Guido gimmick is excellent. Say what you will about his asymmetric tights, but he sure has a recognizable character. At least he isn't one half of The Major Brothers. Unlike his former tag team partner Curt Hawkins, Ryder has made an impact. In comparison, a pin drop makes an impact on ECW, though Ryder has done it in an entertaining fashion. I don't know whether to shake his hand or punch him in the face. Although I can say the same for every new person I meet, I'm using Zack Ryder as the most glaring example. Woo, woo, woo. This is known to you.
I cannot say that Zack Ryder will be a future world champion. He may very well become an ECW Champion, but WWE has taught me that the ECW Championship doesn't count. Thanks, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. For me, Ryder is missing a little something to be considered world champion material. Perhaps, the douche that is Zack Ryder is missing a hot chick to complement him. Judging by the current Divas roster, several do the opposite of wrestling. Therefore, why not give Ryder some arm candy? Layla could do it. Maria could do it. Put Mike Knox in a wig and he could do it. Friggin' pretty, people.
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