In WWE, the draft lottery matters. Superstars do not appear on a show other than their own without a good reason. For example, Triple H cannot appear on Smackdown without feeling like it. Because Donald Trump has approved a fifteen-superstar trade, I do not know what to think. World Wrestling Entertainment is in the tizziest of tizzies. Only Vince McMahon, who possesses the coolest of heads, can calm his promotion down. Do not freak out, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. You don't have to listen to Donald Trump, but you want to. That's fine, I guess. I'm not sure. I don't know why Trump's decisions still stand long after he has left the promotion, but whatever, Trevor.
Not unlike the draft that occurred no more than three months ago, World Wrestling Entertainment hopes that this trade will rejuvenate the three brands. As for me, I hope that the results of this trade will last for more than three months. I don't like it when WWE plays with my heart, even though they are prone to playing with the hearts of visionaries. If they trade Zack Ryder, my heart will break into several broken pieces. He is perfect for ECW. He asks the radio to tell him everything it knows. The radio tells him that he is 2000 and late. Perfect.
Sometimes, I wish I could alter the WWE rosters to my liking. That way, my decisions would stand, except that every other Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, every wrestler whose name started with the letters A to L would move to a random brand. Also, every wrestler whose named started with the letters M to Z would wrestle on a brand that they were on prior to their move to their current brand. Somewhere in there, a wrestler of my choice would spin in a circle really fast. Then, I would push him in the general direction of another brand. I understand that his method sounds easy, but let me assure you that it is not.
As I analyze this monumental trade, I thank WWE in advance for providing us with the best and most logical product I have seen in years. As long as they keep making sense, I will keep watching to make sense of their television shows. They are a puzzle within an enigma within a Chinese finger trap within a Magic Eye picture. Like McDonald's, I can't have just one. That's how it goes. Don't even question me because I wouldn't know how to answer.
Extreme Championship Wrestling is the home of extreme, which means that Shelton Benjamin, William Regal, Goldust, and the Bella Twins have run away from their own homes. They are professional runaways. Give them bindles and sticks for those bindles. Unless I am mistaken, the Gold Standard was part of this brand before, showing the crowd that he can be extreme for about four or five months. WWE is banking on Benjamin to improve on that time by adding one or two months to that last stint, depending upon what Vince McMahon ate for brunch. Sometimes Vince has a brisket. For brunch, that's way too heavy of a meal. He shouldn't be making business decisions under the influence of that much meat.
I look forward to William Regal's stay in ECW because at least he doesn't have to team with Matt Hardy for no reason and receive a pig-slop shower from Santino Marella. If I was William Regal, and I had to choose between RAW and ECW, I would choose the Land of Extreme every single time. You see, Regal's gets to befriend Vladimir Kozlov in ECW, which has been one of my life goals since Kozlov's debut. Judging by his snazzy clothes, Kozlov must have a trunk of costumes in his possession; Regal has to get in on that goodness. In the past, Regal dressed up as a homely pirate wench, but with Kozlov by his side, Regal can be whoever he wants to be. Think about the possibilities. Homely Russian wench. Attractive Russian wench. Tetris block. Brigette Nielsen as Ludmilla Drago. The sky is not the limit because there is no limit with Kozlov's friendship.
In turn, Goldust loses a friend with his move. Specifically, Hornswoggle was like a son to him, if Goldust's son was a dirty leprechaun. Perhaps Goldust can find a leprechaun with excellent hygiene in ECW, but we're talking about ECW here. You either find dirty leprechauns or no leprechauns. Some analysts claim that Goldust's stint in ECW will be last, but I'm not sweating his probable release. History has proven that WWE will simply bring him back, then release him before bringing him back once more. Stop throwing him around like a piece of brisket meat, World Wrestling Entertainment. He is a grown man with grown feelings. Do not continue to curtain call him or it will be curtains for you and yours.
Last of all, the Bella Twins' entrance into Extreme Championship Wrestling means that the Bella Twins fill up two rosters spots. They look like one person, but they are not. They are two people. I am done.
If RAW is the flagship of World Wrestling Entertainment, Smackdown is the ocean that keeps the boat afloat. Compared to RAW's main event roster, Smackdown's group is a breathy breath of sweet, untapped oxygen. For now, fans of RAW must suffice with refreshing matches such as Triple H vs. Randy Orton, Triple H vs. John Cena, Randy Orton vs. John Cena, Randy Orton vs. Triple H vs. John Cena, Triple H vs. Randy Orton again, Triple H vs. Randy Orton for the third time, and Triple H vs. Triple H somehow. In addition to Chris Jericho, Edge, Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, and Jeff Hardy, Smackdown will now house the talents of Matt Hardy, Finlay, and The Hart Dynasty.
These days, Matt Hardy is more injured than not injured. He seems to have the durability of a paper lantern, yet the crowd loves him and his colonial jacket and his key tights. Honestly, who wouldn't? That ensemble goes together like spreadable cheese on an Escalade. Once he recovers from his ailments, I believe that the brother versus brother feud between Matt and Jeff Hardy must continue. RAW has taught us that stretcher matches do not end feuds. Therefore, I will not rest until I see a fitting conclusion to this sibling rivalry. I don't have a brother myself, but if I did, boy would I want to beat him up in front of fifteen thousand people. He gets to sleep on the top bunk, Mom. He’s closer to the ceiling than I. That's not fair.
The Hart Dynasty and Finlay's move to Smackdown is effective in that Finlay will get to teach David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd all over again. Not too long ago, Finlay taught future superstars how to put on a competent and entertaining match. Look at his matches with The Boogeyman and you will see his teaching skills at work. While The Hart Dynasty needs a little more work, I see big things in their wrestling future. First of all, I envision them feuding with former Hart rivals like the Undertaker, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels. Next, I picture them bringing in Teddy Hart. Finally, I see the stable imploding due to Teddy Hart. In other words, the next few years shall be very exciting, consisting of flips and stuff.
Monday Night RAW is rich with talent, but do they get richer with the inclusion of Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, and Mark Henry? I would like to think so, but I like to think a lot of things that WWE does not even think about. On the one hand, the RAW women's division loses the Bella Twins. On the other hand, what does the RAW women's division lose with the Bella Twins anyway? Two girls who do everything together while looking identical? Take two blondes from the WWE Divas roster and you shall make your own version of the Bella Twins. With Alicia Fox, you get an up-and-coming, charismatic personality with pant-loads of potential. With Gail Kim, you get a former TNA Knockout and Women's Champion who used to act like an Asian woman from The Matrix. You can't get any better than that, or can you? I already told you that you can’t. You don’t listen.
Jack Swagger's count-out loss to Randy Orton on his RAW debut proved to the doubters that the All-American American is for real. Not only can he stand on his own two feet, he can stand on his own two feet on the apron while folding his arms. I see infinite potential in Jack Swagger. If RAW was the first time you've seen Jack Swagger, you haven't seen a thing. Just wait until he busts out some actual wrestling moves. Just forget about that time when John Cena called him a nobody before beating him like what. That ass-handling didn't affect him at all. Wrestling fans have short-term memories. Once you forget, everything will be good again.
Judging from the crowd reaction to Evan Bourne, he is going to be big. World Wrestling Entertainment loves their stunned silences. If you multiply one stunned silence by a billion, you will end up with a stunned silence that is comparable to one Evan Bourne. You couldn't hear a pin drop, but you could hear a pin that was about to drop. The crowd was so in awe of his Evan Bourneness that they suddenly got to urge to get up, go to the washroom, and get themselves a hot dog. I fully expect Bourne to rise to levels of The Brian Kendrick, who reigns over RAW about once every month.
Conversely, I don't see big things for Mark Henry, Of course, Henry defeated the WWE Champion, but that was in a handicap match. According to WWE programming, the outnumbered wrestler in a handicap match is supposed to win every damn day of the week. In conclusion, that victory was a fluke. Plus, Mark Henry doesn't have Tony Altas. A Henry without an Atlas is like springtime without cherry blossoms. I don't want to live in a world without cherry blossoms. I plan to split as many wigs as I can until see some cherry blossoms up this piece.
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