The Swerved Recordings: CM Punk and Jeff Hardy

The Captain and Tennille. Simon and Garfunkel. That girl and that guy from Roxette. The Rock and Wyclef Jean. What do these talented duos have in common? For the most part, their vision is perfectly fine. As they sing the songs of our past and present generations, they are able to do so with two working eyes. Some musical artists can't live without adequate eyesight, but for a certain pair of WWE Superstars, they don't need to see the world with two functional eyes. For them, legitimate and feigned eye injures are a godly gift in themselves. If you want to look up at the stars, why use binoculars when you have yourself a telescope? In the darkest of nights, the co-ordinates of greatness are as clear as day.

I spy with my very eye some straight-edge fellow who is the current World Heavyweight Champion. Also, I spy with my very eye someone who is a charismatic and enigmatic World Heavyweight Challenger. As one, I spy with my very eye an album that is a lyrically beautiful masterpiece. This one is for all of the one-eyed fighters out there who, deep down, are one-eyed lovers. This one is all of the mommas and baby momma's mommas who cannot drive around town with their babies because they are legally blind. I'm sorry, Mrs. Jackson. CM Punk and Jeff Hardy are for real.

This summer, Punk and Hardy have a vision. While they dominate Friday Night Smackdown and World Wrestling Entertainment, they see themselves ruling the music business as well. CM Punk doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, but he can belt out a mean Yugoslavian National Anthem. As for Jeff Hardy, we have heard his stellar voice before with his band Peroxwhy?gen, who performed his TNA entrance theme. With this knowledge in mind, Jeff Hardy will sing backup. He'll sing backup behind a group of 100 backup singers. He'll back up those backup singers. Jeff Hardy will play two triangles.

At random times during the day, CM Punk's right eye is hurting. Jeff Hardy is pretending that his right eye is hurting to fit in with CM Punk. One day, the right eyes of wrestling fans around the globe will hurt when they listen to this album. Why? Because the future of music is so bright with these two talented gentleman at the forefront. Without further delay, Punk and Hardy are about to stare at each other with their good eyes. In other words, they're about to see "Eye to Eye."



Punk and Hardy - "Eye to Eye"
Punk and Hardy's debut album includes fifteen eye- and ear-soothing tunes, recorded in one take from a Lenscrafters in Stamford, Connecticut — the official eyeglasses supplier of WWE. Surely, they're getting ahead of themselves by visiting Lenscrafters at this point, but if I were them, I would be ahead of myself, too. Eyeglasses make me giddy. Don't even take about stylish frames in my vicinity. I would most likely go crazy.

Although they are not the best of friends, the growing animosity between CM Punk and Jeff Hardy does not leave the wrestling ring. In the recording studio, they are chums. CM Punk braids Jeff's hair as Jeff extracts the rum out of Punk's chocolate cake. They go together like ebony and ivory, if Jeff Hardy was an African-American male and CM Punk was former WWF Women's Champion Ivory. Whenever they sing their hearts out, mine eye sees hearts fluttering out of every music fan alive. Like a Transformer with more personality than looks, these tracks are more than meets the eye(s).


Track Listing:
1. We Have No Money for Eye Patches (We Are The Welfare Pirates)
2. Let's Read The Eye Chart Together
3. Pay-Per-View Rematch, Ho
4. Feel Your Way To Me
5. Face Paint Is In My Eye (I Wonder Why I Use So Much, Knowing That I Sweat Remix)
6. Go 2 Optometrist
7. You Could See Me If You Tried
8. One Working Eye On My Face, One Working Eye In My Pants
9. Visine All Up In There (ft. Visine Spokesperson Ben Stein)
10. Playing Frisbee Is Difficult In My Condition (intro)
11. See, It's Hard For Me To Catch Things In My Condition
12. The Infinite Wink
13. My Eyelashes Were Supposed To Protect Me, But They Did Nothing
14. Kick That Footlocker Employee In The Back
15. Welfare Pirates Get Welfare Pirate Food Stamps


Perhaps you should buy a loaf of fresh bread from your local grocery store because the Swerved Recordings is on a roll. Therefore, "Eye to Eye" is sure to be our most successful album yet. For one, four out of five dentists recommend "Eye to Eye." The fifth dentist does not agree because he is a damn dentist and does not know great music when he sees it. Maybe he should stop cleaning people's teeth and start appreciating the musical talents of one CM Punk and one Jeffrey Hardy. Fortunately, true music critics appreciate this gem. If you don't believe me, check out what they have to say:


"This album is offensive to my people." - A Pirate of the Caribbean

"This album used to be offensive to my people." - Paul Burchill

"I miss the days when my people were offended by this album." - Scotty "Riggs" Riggs

"Stop bragging. At least you can see with one of your eyes. My eyes make t-shirts. Dang." - Cotton Eye Joe

"1...................................................................... 2.................................................................. 3 stars. Man, I said that too fast. I need a breather." - WWE Referee Scott Armstrong

"I'm sorry, but this music doesn't speak to me. I have no reason why that is so." - Woman with 20/20 Vision.

"Nice. This is my time to shine." - A Monocle

"Well, I guess I'm out of here." - Depth of Field


Give a man two eyes and he will see for a day. Teach a man to see with one eye and he will see "Eye to Eye" with Punk and Hardy for a lifetime. Call a man "four eyes" and you will slap CM Punk and Jeff Hardy in the face. They have temporary use of only one eye, yet you bring three additional eyes into the mix? Do you have no shame, or did you leave it at the door when you came in here? I would punch you with my good hand right now, but you will have to wait. My right hand is over my right eye. Just take a seat. I will be with you in a moment. As you wait, think about what you've done with your head in both hands.

The Swerved Recordings'
Punk & Hardy - "Eye to Eye"
In stores if you put one hand over your eye. If you put two hands over two eyes, you'll have much difficulty. You can do it if you want, but we're just saying. It won't be fun.