Hornswoggled

The honeymoon is over. World Wrestling Entertainment's lovable leprechaun is not lovable anymore. At first, I welcomed the former Little Bastard with open, bastard-accepting arms. I enjoyed his sneaky antics in and out of the ring muchly, until I began to know him. Years later, Hornswoggle is not the person I originally thought he was. In fact, the Hornswoggle I know today is not even a person at all. He is a living and breathing memory of past greatness.

The children may get a kick out of Hornswoggle, mistakenly believing that he is a child, but I know the deal. As a normal-sized human being, I resent that Hornswoggle constantly gains the upper hand on his larger opponents. Jamie Noble deserved better when Hornswoggle trapped him in a large box. Chavo Guerrero deserves better than shielding his hot tamale boxers in Hornswoggle's company. On the other hand, Mini-Boogeyman got what he deserved. Where are your miniature worms, Mini-Boogeyman? You are not being true to your character.

Every time I try to convince a non-wrestling fan to watch WWE programming, Hornswoggle shows up to trivialize this wonderful entertainment sport. Leprechauns have tremendous entertainment value, yet wrestling was not built on their small shoulders. Hulk Hogan gathered the bricks that built professional wrestling. Then, Ric Flair stacked those bricks on top of one another. Super Calo provided the roof, but sewed the roof to those brick walls. That's not going to hold up, Super Calo. What a poor builder.

Hornswoggle is a menace, but not a cool menace, like Dennis the Menace and his cool slingshot. Truly, he is killing my love for World Wrestling Entertainment. He must be stopped. If you wish to help me, I will tell you how. Let us stop Hornswoggle together before professional wrestling becomes what it has never been before: a complete joke.


1) Become a teacher and get Hornswoggle into your class. After a few weeks of teaching those children well, contact Finlay and recommend that he attend a parent-teacher meeting concerning his son's behaviour. Dear Hornswoggle; yous in trouuuuuuuble.

2) Discard your wardrobe. I'm talking about every article of clothing that you have in your closet and drawers. You will not need underwear for this plan. Next, dress yourself up as a wrestling ring. Make sure that you are an attractive wrestling ring. The kind of wrestling ring that can entice professional wrestling leprechauns. Adorn yourself with any ring accessory available to you, such as ring steps or twenty wooden folding tables. Once Hornswoggle tries to get underneath your ring skirt, the disturbing sight will make him regret using wrestling rings as his home forevermore.

3) If Hornswoggle is chasing you down city streets, find the nearest amusement park. You do not have time to look at the Yellow Pages. A small, dirty, man-child wants to bite you on the buttocks. Run as fast as your runners can take you. When you enter the amusement park, look for a roller coaster. As one ride ends, take the next ride. Hornswoggle will attempt to come onboard the coaster, but height restrictions will prevent him from doing so. To celebrate your victory, vomit from the highest point of the roller coaster.

4) Invite John "Bradshaw" Layfield over to your home to do something manly. For example, get drunk on Mamajuana Energy Drink together and see what happens from there. While JBL is in an inebriated state, build a steel cage in your living room out of spare steel parts lying around your house. Before JBL wakes up from his drunken slumber, invite Hornswoggle over for a good, old-fashioned dirt bath. When JBL rises from the sofa, shove Hornswoggle into your makeshift cage. Leave the cage and enjoy the acts of violence (or loving) about to take place.

5) In your home wrestling ring, pretend to lie unconscious near one of the four corners. Hornswoggle will get the bright idea to fly off the top turnbuckle for the Tadpole Splash. As he goes for the move, rush to the pet store, buy a toad, inject it with steroids, then come back. Keep the toad hungry by making it watch hours and hours of the Food Network. Seconds before Hornswoggle nails the Tadpole Splash, present the toad before him. Because toads eat tadpoles, Hornswoggle will not be a problem anymore.

6) In search of door-making spray paint, Hornswoggle will need to take a shortcut down a dark alley. In that dark alley, emerge from the shadows and pin him. If you are able to get a three count, you will become the new WWE Cruiserweight Champion. Hornswoggle was using that forgotten championship as a shiny and decorative blanket. Not anymore, Horny. Not anymore. It's time to give that belt back to its rightful owner. Here you go, Chavo Guerrero. Use this title to hold up your pants, sewed together by an evil seamstress just as you were about to appear on the ramp.

7) Kidnap Hornswoggle. Force him to wear OshKosh B'gosh overalls and a pinwheel hat. On Saturdays from 4:00 to 10:00 pm, take him to Denny's and pretend to lovingly hold him in your arms. Next, order everything you can from the Kids' Menu because kids eat for free at Denny's. If he tries to eat that food, snatch it from him. You will never need to pay for another meal again (if you only eat food on Saturdays).

8) Like any little person, Hornswoggle has a stressful life. Some little people find solace in Munchkinland, while others drink their cares away with alcohol. Hornswoggle's supply of miniature alcohol bottles is plentiful. Therefore, replace his miniature alcohol bottles with regular alcohol bottles. Little people dressed as leprechauns know their limits. They won't touch the stuff. They will remain stressed instead.

9) Send Hornswoggle to space, or buy him a home in a stereotypical ghetto. There are leprechauns in space. Plus, there are leprechauns in the hood, but not the type that Hornswoggle has in mind. Find a stereotypical ghetto in space and you shall find the holiest of grails.

10) Aim a t-shirt cannon at Hornswoggle’s groin, but do not load your cannon with t-shirts. Even though t-shirts can slightly injure Hornswoggle, they will not suffice. Do you know what can severely injure Hornswoggle? Bullets. If you only have a Super Soaker, discard the water. Replace that water with liquid bullets (Holiday Spice Pepsi).

11) Remove one clover from every four-leaf clover in the world. Without luck, Hornswoggle's high life of hedonistic debauchery will end. Soon enough, he will have to live with Finlay, asking him for luck whenever he is strapped for it. Finlay will become frustrated with his son while Hornswoggle hangs out in the basement with his leprechaun buddies, smoking cigarettes made up of crushed Lucky Charms.

12) Shrink yourself to one-fourth of your original size. Apply for a job to work with the Keebler Elves, making cookies and other snacks inside of a tree. Once you are done making a batch of cookies, eat those cookies. You going to need the energy when you murder him in cold blood. Hornswoggles don't murder themselves, you know.

13) Hornswoggle's deadly mist can incapacitate anyone. In the event that Hornswoggle sprays you with his deadly leprechaun mist, place Triple H in front of you. A post-entrance Triple H will not do. You will have to summon Hunter before he makes his entrance. While Hornswoggle sprays his mist, Triple H will spit his bottled water to dilute the mist. Thank you, chemistry and other relative sciences.

14) Underneath a wrestling ring, attach several sticks of dynamite, leading to a detonator that sits on the canvas. With Hornswoggle underneath the ring, push down on the detonator plunger. When the detonator malfunctions, check the connection by crawling under the ring apron. Hornswoggle will appear in the center of the ring to detonate the dynamite himself. As he is about to push down on the detonator plunger, cross-dress. Somehow, Hornswoggle will end up on the losing end of this battle. I don't know if cross-dressing will help you in reality, but it always works in cartoons. Remember that time when Wile E. Coyote cross-dressed to pay off his student loans? I don't.

15) In the bathroom, take a shower and sing in an attractive, feminine manner. Believing that Melina is showering in your bathroom, Hornswoggle will sneak towards the tub and snatch your towel. Once he opens your shower curtains, show him the soaked version of your goods. If he remains interested, perhaps you should try looking like a man, rather than a fiery Latina who cannot stop smiling.

16) Transform yourself into a trash can. Hurl yourself towards an unsuspecting Hornswoggle. Welcome back to WrestleMania XXIV. Also, move to Los Angeles. You can turn yourself into a trash can at will, dude? I want to see that transformation on the silver screen. Imagine the kinds of trash you will be able to put inside yourself. For one, smaller cans.

17) Tie one hand behind your back. With assistance from a friend, tie your other hand behind your back. Have another friend tie your feet behind your back. Then, forget about Hornswoggle. You're a human ball. That's fun. Go ahead and roll around for a while.

18) While Hornswoggle is sleeping, dreaming his fighting Irish dreams, replace his leprechaun outfit with an adult-sized leprechaun outfit. Picture Hornswoggle’s face when he thinks that he has shrunk even more.

19) Follow Hornswoggle wherever he goes. Prevent him from attaining a magic mushroom. One more hit and he will have to start all over again.

20) Perform a visually entertaining and technically sound rain dance. After a period of heavy rainfall, a colourful rainbow will appear over the horizon. At the end of said rainbow, get rid of the pot of gold. When Hornswoggle arrives for the gold, slap him in the face with a bag of Skittles. Taste the rainbow, you young, vertically challenged, Irish gentleman.