Enos Stanley Kroenke, affectionately known to you and yours as the owner of the Denver Nuggets, will rue the day he slighted Vince McMahon. You see, Vince McMahon is a genius. Bow before him or die. Better yet, please feel free to join the Kiss the Backside of My Pants Club at any time. Not only did Vince bring professional wrestling to an international stage, he created a universe with his bare hands when creating universes with machinery is hard enough. How dare you take WWE and its loving fans out of the Pepsi Center, Kroenke. Vince McMahon and the WWE Universe do not take kindly to NBA organization owners whose real first name rhymes with a male reproductive appendage. Truly, they do not care for any individual whose name rhymes with a sexual body part. Just ask Stagina Williamson.
Vince McMahon got you real good, dude. McMahon, the former, prestigious owner of the prestigious XFL, put you in hypothetical charge of the Xtreme Basketball Association. Oh, no he did not and a bucket of snap. Your XBA will never match up to the XFL. What are you going to do with your league, Kroenke? Have two people sprint to centre court to determine which team gets to shoot first? Put sixty-six-point-six-percent-naked cheerleaders on the sidelines? Stage competitive games featuring talented and highly-skilled players? You must be a plumber, Kroekne, because you be laying pipe dreams. Pipe dreams like what.
When Vince McMahon purchases the Denver Nuggets and the entire NBA with spare change, you shall see the error of your Nugget-y ways. Five years from now, Vince McMahon will create his own Xtreme Basketball Association. That XBA will be far superior to your measly, non-existent league. In fact, you will be so ashamed of your inferior XBA that will lock yourself inside of your arena. In that arena, you shall drink your salty tears and old bottles of Crystal Pepsi as you wonder what could have been if you apologized to the great Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
McMahon's Xtreme Basketball Association will revolutionize basketball. Without question, entertainment basketball will reign supreme for several centuries to come. The object of basketball is to score the most points by the end of the game. In comparison, the object of Xtreme Basketball is to be the most "Xtreme." Vince doesn't care how you do it. He just wants you to get it done. Want to know more about this fantastic league? Read on, best believers.
Vince McMahon's Xtreme Basketball Association is composed of thirty teams, twenty-six of which hail from America, and four of which call parts of Canada, Italy, Britain, and Japan home. Although, none of the thirty teams are located in Denver, Colorado because Vince McMahon is not petty. He is the opposite of petty. He is not Tom Petty from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Even Vince McMahon’s walls aren’t petty. He is not Lori Petty, co-star of A League of Their Own and star of Tank Girl. His least favourite films are Petty Woman and Petty in Pink He wished Barney Rubble married anyone other than Petty Rubble. Vince McMahon does not act like a baby. If you think so, you are a doodiehead to the utmost degree.
The current league organization divides these thirty teams into two conferences of two divisions. The Eastern Conference features the McMahon Division, which receives most of the television time. This division consists of the New York-New Jersey Vinces, the New Jersey-New York Lindas, the Rhode Island Stephanies, and the Connecticut Fighting Shanes. The Connecticut Fighting Shanes are a terrible team, but they somehow remain in contention each year by wearing wind pants. The Triple H Division features the Chicago Hunters, the Boston Hearsts, the Detroit Helmsleys, the Milwaukee Hs, and Cleveland Triples, the Philadelphia Haitchs, the Miami Games, the Orlando Game-Players, the Washington Time-to-Play-the-Gamers, the Atlanta Pedigrees, the Charlotte Torn Quadriceps, the Toronto WrestleMania Tans, the Indiana Jean-Pauls, the Alabama Mat Monarchs, and the Tennessee Cerebral Volunteers.
The Western Conference features the Everybody Else and the Everyone Else Divisions. Nothing to see there. Move along, please.
Like the NBA, an XBA game is played in four quarters. The first and second quarters are twelve minutes long, but the third and fourth quarters are thirteen minutes long for variety. In high definition, those quarters are fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds long. Overtime periods last for two minutes (the duration of a regular RAW match).
After a one-week break at halftime, both teams must turn on each other in a convincing yet family-friendly fashion. This turn can be done by making one player hide the basketball from his teammates by placing it under his jersey, pretending he is pregnant before handing it over to the other team. Games normally take between two and one-hundred hours, depending upon the success or failure of the basketball pregnancy trick.
The game is controlled by respected WWE officials, made up of Charles "Li'l Naitch" Robinson, the unbiased Gerald Brisco, and a canary in a cage, which will die if the air quality in an XBA game is poor and unfair. If the canary dies, Gerald Brisco will defend it for its affiliation with Vince McMahon and its pivotal role in the Monday Night Wars of the late 90s.
From twelve-player rosters, one team must play five players, while the team other plays six players on the court at one time. This handicap structure stacks up the odds against the first team, but they will gut it out in dramatic fashion anyway because that conclusion makes perfect sense in any sport. Substitutions are welcome because the card is always subject to change, meaning that the XBA can replace one team with a broom if they see fit. A manager, agent, valet, or former WWE Diva Search winner will serve as the coach, who must manage the strategies of his or her squad by trying to look interested in the game. Assistant managers must feign flirtatious interest in the crowd by blowing half-hearted kisses at them.
The XBA uses the same positions as the NBA, except each player receives a foreign, pre-determined object to wield in the game, such as a comically large banana, a unicycle, or an apple of regular size and shape. In the case of a six-player squad, that player must instill doubt in the audience’s minds in regards to which position he will choose. When he finally decides to take a position, his decision must overshadow the entire game, no matter how anti-climatic his choice may be. Once he makes his decision, which many fans will know beforehand via spoilers on the internet, everyone must act surprised as if this is the first time they have heard such a thing. No way. Really? He chose to do that? Oh, it’s on now.
The XBA point guard is the smallest player, but has the biggest heart. He may not have a physical championship belt in his possession, but he is a fighting champion. The job of the point guard is to make up for his teammates’ shortcomings by doing things really fast while wearing colourful clothing. Sometimes, the point guard can double as a weapon if he is strapped to a stretcher board. A shooting guard competes around the perimeter, but does not actively involve himself in the game unless he gets to do his own flashy, signature moves. The small forward is the most aggressive player on the court, driving to the basket by hiring a large, uncoordinated bodyguard to do it for him. An XBA power forward plays and defends close to the basket, cementing his spot so opponents never get the upper hand on him. He can be seen at every XBA Championship Finals game. Lastly, the centre is big. He must have two skillets for hands. Two hot plates for hands are acceptable, but not recommended.
In order to mirror World Wrestling Entertainment, Vince McMahon's XBA employs a squared yet circular basketball and a traditional wrestling ring. Before every RAW and Smackdown, the crew will adorn the aprons with the XBA logo because nobody will suspect a thing. A regulation XBA ring is made of wood, but the kind of wood that is flexible enough to retain the ring's trampoline-like bounce. You're welcome in advance, ignorant, non-wrestling fans. At each corner, a steel basket with a nylon net and a glass backboard will hang twenty feet over the court. Twenty-foot ladders will be legal in a normal XBA game, but twenty-foot, chocolate ladders will be illegal. Climbing apparatuses should not be edible.
A standard XBA uniform consists of a pair of tiny trunks to emphasize a player's expanding gut, or a suit and tie to indicate that the player knows how to steal merchandise off department-store mannequins. For women's teams, players must wear shiny clothes. If a female player does not have the resources or possess the ability to wear shiny clothes, the XBA deems that fact to be unfortunate. Every WWE Diva wears shiny clothes. Look at everybody's shiny pants. Look at their shiny tops. Do you think you're better than them? I can't see my shiny, tight reflection in your normal, tight pants. For shame.
Each uniform, decorated to match the official colours of each team, features a clear and visible number on the front and back. Names on the back of uniforms will be printed in their entirely. If Montel Vontavious Porter was a player in the XBA, he would have to wear three uniforms stitched together in order to display his entire name. Short names will be accompanied by the player's likes, dislikes, shopping lists, measurements, and hopes for the future.
The XBA rules define a foul as any form of physical contact that unfairly impedes an opponent's movement on the court. If you attempt to hit someone on the hand, face, chest, neck, shoulders, legs, backside, front side, fingernail, hair, body hair, feet, shoes, shoelaces, eye, eyebrow, and or eyelash, the game will end in a rain delay. The player who commits the foul must pay one-hundred dollars in fines, then control the weather so that the day upon which the teams will have their rematch turns sunny and comfortably warm. A player who fails to control the weather will be released.
The XBA referee has the right to punish a player or coach who does not take it one day at the time. A player or coach who does not dig deep, give it 110% percent, stay focused, fight tooth and nail, and take it to the other team will face indefinite suspension. If a mascot shows poor sportsmanship, he or she will be eaten by a mascot that is higher on the mascot food chain. For instance, a lion mascot would be eligible to eat a deer mascot, depending upon the deer mascot's sportsmanship during the XBA game.
If a team exceeds six team fouls in a single quarter, a cage shall be lowered over the basketball court to ensure that their opponents get their chance for revenge. There is no way out, unless you count the opening on the top of the cage, or the door leading to the steps that face away from the cage, or the large holes within the cage walls. If a player unsuccessfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he is awarded two chances from the free-throw line in the middle of the court. If a player successfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he is awarded the two points, plus an additional shot from the free-throw line. If Batista unsuccessfully or successfully makes a shot while he is fouled, he will inexplicably gain shot after shot until he gets one. After he does so, he will inexplicably gain shot after shot until he gets another. Next, he will collect more lunchboxes.
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