Something is missing in our lives. We may go about our day with a smile on our beautiful faces, but deep within our chiseled and toned bodies lies an emptiness. This void requires healing. World Wrestling Entertainment tries to fill that void with more Randy Orton and Triple H segments than a human being can handle, yet that is not enough. When I look at myself in the mirror, I tend to do two things. First, I feel an intense desire to make babies with my handsome self. Secondly, I sense a inner vacancy. The state of today's wrestling industry has made me hollow. Years ago, I was happy with the product. When I wanted X-Pac, boy did the World Wrestling Federation give me X-Pac. When I craved fascinating and powerful stables, the promotion presented the Disciples of Apocalypse and the Truth Commission. Where did everything go? In 2009, WWE's insides are empty. Just like mine.
Vince McMahon wants you to know that the Hart Foundation is alive and well once more, but I want Vince McMahon to know that my heart is not yet beating for the Hart Dynasty. He gives me second generation, yet I want to see the first generation that made them second. One more man can do it for the Hart Dynasty. World Wrestling Entertainment claims that Legacy was born better, but I was born to know better. Like Randy Orton, I hear voices in my head. Those voices don't tell me to kick dudes really hard in the head. Those voices tell me that Randy Orton's Legacy is made up of a superstar and a duo of bland lackeys. I say no more. Let's add another, my brother. WWE believes that Shelton Benjamin is a superior athlete with a superior education. I believe that Shelton Benjamin wears a lot of gold and says a lot of phrases related to gold for no significant reason. There ain't no stoppin' me now from stating that if Shelton Benjamin is a scholar, why does his theme song start with "ain't"? Ain't is not no English word. I ain't looking for a teacher. I'm looking for a million dollars, man.
Jack Swagger has the swagger to make it in the wrestling business. He is bound to become a future World Heavyweight and or WWE Champion. On the other hand, he is not ready to talk the talk. He should keep walking. He should keep wrestling. I say put a man by his side who knows how to work the microphone. Swagger doesn't got me where he wants me, so give him a certain someone with a chalkboard. Give him a man who knows the golden rule of talking. According to various sources, The Miz is awesome, but how awesome is he? In my time, men and women have came along, bragging about how awesome they are, only to prove that they are far from awesome. Is Miz for real, or does he need a superstar who can bring him back to reality? Back-up dance it up, Mizanin. If you don't move it, you will lose it.
In mathematics and life, adding one to a number makes that number greater. In the world of professional wrestling, adding another talent to a group of talented people makes that group great. While I suspect WWE's love for mathematics, they sure can add up their billions of dollars in revenue. If they want to keep that money flowing, they must learn the deadly art of addition. Plus one, please. I ask you kindly.
David Hart Smith is the son of Davey Boy Smith, also known as "The British Bulldog." Natalya is the daughter of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Finally, Tyson Kidd once used the Hart family bathroom when he needed to tinkle. Together, they are the Hart Dynasty, or the Hart Trilogy, depending upon the last time you accidentally watched ECW. David, Natalya, and Tyson make a talented trio of size, speed, and Neidhart-level beauty. Although, the foundation of their Hart Foundation is unstable. In order to bridge the gap between the old and new generation of Harts, I call upon the decision-making folks of WWE to bring in a mentor for this up-and-coming group. Surely, Bret Hart cannot guide them because he is too busy doing something more important, such as nothing involving WWE. Since Bret is out of the equation, that leaves one man left. One bearded man.
Jim Neidhart's involvement with the Hart Dynasty is not for show. If David Hart Smith and Tyson Kidd shall become an official tag team, Neidhart can show them the way for he is a legendary tag team specialist. For the sake of all that is pink and black and suitable for physical and metaphorical attacks, he is a two-time WWF Tag Team Champion. Who else can say that they won two tag team championships in their careers? Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway? Forget you. "The Anvil" is the man. Back in his day, tag teams never got tag ropes. They had to make their own tag ropes. Plus, the World Wrestling Federation forced teams to tag one another by having one partner slap the other partner's mother in the face. Jim Neidhart is the toughest cookie in the cookie jar. The Hart Dynasty should relish in the fact they will get to stroke Jim's beard for good luck. As for Natalya, she will just enjoy spending time with her father. That's nice. I wish my father had his beard. If he did, I would have nice things.
Recently, "The Viper" Randy "The Viper" Orton "The Viper "The Viper" has emerged as the next great heel. To me, he is similar to Jake "The Snake" Roberts in that he is able to look deranged and creepy for the enjoyment of children. Sadly, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase — who now have a price until further notice — are two dudes in the background, watching Randy have a personality. For months, I have tried my hardest to find entertainment with Cody and Ted, but I have failed in a spectacular fashion. Just when I think they are entertaining, I discover that I envisioning them talking and wrestling with top hats and monocles instead. Even though a tag team of Mr. Peanut and Mr. Monopoly would be ten dreams come true for me, these dreams are not real. Cody and Ted were supposed to adopt personalities with their association with Orton, but they most certainly have not. Because I don't see an end to this Destiny's Child situation, in which Randy Orton overshadows both men as Legacy's Beyoncé, we need a change. We need a change tout suite.
As you can tell from her last name, Lacey Von Erich is a member of the Von Erich family. Specifically, she is the daughter of the late Kerry Von Erich and a former WWE developmental talent who managed and competed in Florida Championship Wrestling until her 2007 release. In addition, look at her. Seriously. Look at Lacey Von Erich. Supposedly, WWE released Lacey because they believed she wasn't improving as a wrestler. In response, I wonder why they let her go, yet allow Maria to compete in a wrestling ring without a care. Have they seen Maria compete in a wrestling ring? To be fair, Maria came into the company as a Diva Search contestant. Then again, that Diva Search was five years ago. I assume Maria was spending those years making various sparkly hoodies. Fair enough. Whatever happened, WWE made a mistake. They need Lacey back to serve as Legacy's valet before the crowd completely loses interest in Cody and Ted. If the crowd stops caring, Cody and Ted will be so distraught that they will begin to drink one malt with two straws. You've seen the Archie Comics. You know what happens after that.
"Are we really going to do this again? Well, fine. Since you come out here every week, taking about the truth, I got a little truth of my own. You see, you, and people like you, claim you came up in the school of hard knocks. You got your education on the streets, and you're actually proud of that. The truth is that's just a line to make yourselves feel better for the underachievers that you are... unlike the Gold Standard. You see, I actually went to college and got myself a real education. And I also graduated the top of my class. You, the only the thing you've got going for you is... well, you've said it in your song. You be skippin' and jumpin'. I assume, on the streets, they forgot subjects like English, so here's a lesson for you: you don't be anything. I don't be the Gold Standard. I am the Gold Standard. So, just so you understand this, I am going to put it in your language. After I be beating you tonight, you can be skippin' and jumpin' out of this arena, out of the WWE, and out of my life."
Man, Shelton Benjamin is pretty edguclated, what with his educlation from a highly educlated university. A smart man such as Shelton deserves a bigger reward than facing R-Truth — one of life's biggest rewards. Despite the fact that he has been the Gold Standard for a while, I do not believe that he will attain golden superstardom without some help. Benjamin can only enjoy the fruits of beating Triple H with a surprise roll up for so long. Someday, I think Benjamin will make it. Who do I see as the mastermind behind his success? None other than "The Million Dollar Man," trading in Shelton's gold for cash. I've seen the commercials, and so have you. Trading in gold for cash is a blast. Everybody is doing it. Even teenagers are doing it at parties. Now is your time to turn your used, unwanted, or broken Gold Standards into cash. Call their number or visit them online today to request your Free Goldpak. As a quick note, I have been told that trading gold for cash is how babies are made. Once Shelton Benjamin learns that Gold Standards are no match for "Cash Money," he will be rolling in the dough. One part flour, two parts chang-chang.
When Ted, Sr. is around, there's no need to do wacky flips off ladders anymore. All you have to do is put on a suit with a dollar sign on the back and watch the money come to you... via wacky flip from a ladder onto seven other guys below, waiting to catch it. I guess Charlie Haas can come, too, provided that he bring his used, unwanted or broken gold. Jackie Gayda must have some gold teeth. He can get them while she is sleeping.
In my opinion, Jack Swagger bares a resemblance to Brock Lesnar in wrestling style, charisma and microphone skills. In other words, Jack Swagger has the potential to become a tremendous wrestler in the future, but he desperately needs a mouthpiece in the meantime. I am in favour of letting wrestlers show off their personalities on their own terms, except for young Jackington. He can act cocky. He can smile like a jerk. He can have the ECW Championship fall off his waist during his entrance, but the moment he talks, he loses me. He is the "All-American" American of losing me. Much like a dog who senses a natural disaster approaching the coastline days before it strikes, I change the channel whenever Jack Swagger is about to speak into the microphone. Even though I have no problem with his lisp, his words are never convincing. I am beginning to think that he is the "Some-American" American. Some is less is all. At least, that's what he says. I am not convinced.
Matt Striker is doing a wonderful job as the colour commentator of ECW. His constant praising of Swagger gives me a red, white, and blue idea. If Striker loves him some Swagger, let us put one and one as one. Striker, a former, disgraced, Social Studies teacher, is an eloquent speaker. Therefore, he is the perfect piece for Swagger's mouth. I think it safe to say that I do not want to see Matt Striker's plaid wrestling attire again, so I wouldn't mind it if he became Swagger's manager. After all, Striker successfully managed Big Daddy V, who I affectionately call Large Father Five. Look how he turned out. If he plays his cards as cards should be played (in a card-playing manner), Jack Swagger could turn into the next Big Daddy V. Happy Christmas to everyone.
Ladies and gentlemen. Get your Brazilian booties on the floor because World Wrestling Entertainment is about to get PopoZão'd for the second time. Many moons ago, this man beat John Cena in the most one-sided match in WWE history. Today, he has come back with a vengeance, teaming up with everyone's favourite professional wrestler and former star of MTV’s The Real World. Hold onto your seats for Kevin Federline is going to be up this piece. The Miz is up this piece as well. The Miz and K-Fed will paint the town green with envy. Holler at your next of kin. Momma didn't raise no fool. I know money-making partnerships when I see it. If you don't remember the time I predicted that WWF's partnership with Shasta McNasty would be off the chain, you better remember it now. The Miz and K-Fed is like that partnership, but much, much better because it doesn't involve Jake Busey.
Putting these two together is like adding delicious chocolate to delicious peanut butter. Soon enough, they will get their hands on John Cena and destroy him, leaving the millions of adoring fans to wallow in their own John Cena merchandise. That John Deere-inspired logo seems out of place, but you know what else will be out of place? John Cena's face when The Miz and Kevin Federline are done with him. A wise man once told me you should always be looking at the rising stars because they'll be the ones that will shine the brightest. That man is now a crazy person in my town, but I am still looking up at those rising stars, waiting for The Miz and Kevin Federline to shine. Somebody get Britney Spears on the phone for this tandem is just like a circus. Uh huh. Lions, tigers, and heaven.
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