Besides my life coach Dr. Kevin, who recently received an honorary degree from the University of Phoenix, Donald Luscious Trump is my biggest inspiration. Look at Donald's fiery red and orange hair. His hair looks like a piece of shredded wheat, cut horizontally in half in order to fit onto his head. Look at his gorgeous buildings and casinos in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Most of all, look at Donald Trump. Years ago, I wanted you to look at Rob Conway, but now that he is gone, please turn your attention to "The Donald." He is not wearing a sequined, limousine driver's cap. He is wearing a sequined cap of success.
Last week, Vince McMahon shocked the wrestling world with the announcement that Donald Trump was the new owner of RAW. I did not know that you could buy and own a single brand, nor was I aware of Vince's money troubles. So, I am glad that Donald Trump was kind enough to solve McMahon's problems. Donald is cool like that. I would introduce him to you, but I have never met the man. Even though I feel close to him, I prefer to admire him from afar. One day, our minds shall meet. This meeting will result in the end of time. Mark June 27, 2020 on your future calendars. Don't bother with that 2012 date. Those guys are wrong. I am right.
I can't wait to see Trump's improvements to Monday Night RAW. I can only hope that his changes will turn World Wrestling Entertainment back into the worldwide leader of sports entertainment that it is supposed to be. As I refer to the worldwide standings, WWE is tied for 11th. Once again, I would try to get them to listen to my advice, but they don't listen. They just go on about their business with their fingers in their ears. They don't have to push in those ear plugs that hard. I get the message. I'm not wanted. Too bad for them.
Now that Trump is in charge of WWE's flagship show, wrestling fans are in for the treatiest of treats. Get ready to get paid because Donald Trump is all about the money. As his entrance theme goes... money, money, money, money. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. Money, money, money, money, money. Money, money, money. Donald Trump's entrance theme is right: gang violence needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. Gang violence is fired.
From my personal experiences with ropes, running against them in and out of a wrestling ring can be tough. If I had a dollar for every time I hurt myself with a set of ropes, I would have zero dollars because employers do not hand out money for that type of extracurricular activity. Whatever the case may be, I look forward to Donald Trump's return to World Wrestling Entertainment because he can make anything classy. If I or an actual professional wrestler is to bounce off wrestling ropes, why not make those ropes out of marble? Of course, colliding into a set of marble wrestling ropes could result in a serious injury, but man will we look classy doing it. The people watching at home will cringe at the sight of the collision, but they will also say, "Did I just visit a room with an abundance of students? Because that right there was full class."
Back in World Championship Wrestling, they didn't mind using steel cables to serve as their ropes. Therefore, Trump's WWE might as well construct their ropes out of marble pillars. Believe you me, myself, and I when I stress that steel cables and marble are one in the same. Do tell me with a straight, homosexual, or metrosexual face that one material is better or worse than the other because you would be wrong on all accounts. Both materials are death to your back. but at least you can show off that marble to your friends. Go ahead. Invite your friends and family over and wait for their reaction when you show them your fine pillars made out of steel cables. At best, they will be unimpressed. Steel cables don't go with your Far East home decor. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
As most of you know, NBC has discovered a goldmine within a sea of gold-regurgitating rainbows with The Apprentice. To be honest, Donald Trump doesn't need World Wrestling Entertainment when he has this tremendous cash cow in his milking hands. If anything, Vince McMahon needs Donald Trump. He needs Donald Trump like a cash cow needs udders that produce spare change. Since McMahon is incredibly desperate for ratings and attention, I expect "The Donald" to bring the fast-paced, dramatic action of The Apprentice to RAW. With this addition, Monday Night RAW will become its own reality show. Sixteen professional wrestlers will divide themselves into two teams. Every week, those teams will be given a specific task to complete, such as creating a successful lemonade stand business. The team who wins will receive a great prize (two seconds of eye contact with Donald Trump), while the other team will have to eliminate one of their members in the infamous boardroom.
Today's wrestling fan doesn't care about the Monday Night Wars of the late 90s. At that time, they were close to negative eight years old. On the other hand, little children love lemonade, especially in a glass. Imagine how successful Monday Night RAW will be when Team Venture, led by Randy Orton, and Team Optimistica, led by John Cena, try to sell the most lemonade. Don’t bother presenting interesting angles, compelling characters, and back-and-forth, epic matches. Let's get some lemons up in here. When Donald Trump gives you lemons, you exploit those lemons for profit. When Donald Trump gives you "ade," that's not an actual thing. The next time you see him, ask Donald to give you something that exists.
Apparently, WWE prefers to determine Miss WrestleMania with a battle royal. Although, battle royals don't fly in Donald Trumpland. Donald Trump loves pageants, what with his hands in the production of the Miss Universe Pageant, the Miss USA Pageant, the Miss Teen USA Pageant, the Miss Teen Universe Pageant, the Miss Universe Teen Pageant, the Miss USA Universe Pageant, and the Diamond Dallas Pageant. Naturally, Trump’s next logical step is to turn WWE's successful Miss WrestleMania Battle Royal into a Miss WrestleMania Pageant. Trump’s next illogical step is to get rid of the Miss WrestleMania concept altogether, but he is not stupid. He is Donald Trump. Let him get down with his business.
Like any normal pageant, the Miss WrestleMania Pageant will feature swimsuit, talent, and Q & A portions. Unlike a normal pageant, participants will be allowed to combine two portions into one. Perhaps one lovely lady's swimsuit will be her talent, or some girl will ask and answer a question about her swimsuit. Unfortunately, Donald Trump cannot stop any of these portions from turning into an impromptu battle royal. In my day, swimsuit battle royals were all we had when it came to shamelessly ogling women. Well, we had that and our imagination, but we were happy with them. You should be happy with them, too. Although, I have never seen a Q & A Battle Royal. Sounds hot. Fairly high in temperature, indeed.
Judging by her surname alone, I guess you will be able to identify Ivanka Trump as the daughter of Sir Donald Trump. For those of you who have seen Ivanka Trump, I bet you wouldn't mind if she stepped inside of an arena near you and became a WWE Diva. In fact, the majority of male wrestling fans would love Ivanka Trump's company. As for me, I encourage Mr. Trump to bring his daughter into the wrestling fold, but not for me. Simply put, Ivanka Trump isn't my type. I predict that Ivanka will be a hit with the WWE audience, but she won’t melt the butter of this guy with the thumbs and the typing fingers. Blonde models who double as businesswomen are plentiful and easy to charm in my area. Last weekend, I charmed five in thirty-three minutes. Consider the idea of “Ivanka Trump: WWE Diva” as my gift to wrestling. I am passing the attractiveness on to you.
As much as I am an admirer of Donald Trump, I am hesitant to acknowledge Ivanka Trump's existence. In the end, she came from his gonads, people. No WWE Diva in the history of WWE Divas can say that they came from the loins of Trump Tower, but maybe that is a good thing. When Ivanka joins WWE, I will be the first to put the WWE Women's Championship around her waist, which will cover up the Divas Championship that is already around it. What I will not do is close the deal. You can have her, fans. I'm waiting for an eleven, not a ten who emanates from Trump Grapefruitsville, USA.
Speaking of Donald Trump's ability to procreate, what in the balls happened to "The Great American" part of The Great American Bash? As a Canadian who lives within a violent sneeze of the American border, I am not offended by the name. After all, the United States of America was founded by great Americans such as that old guy with the fluffy white hair, and that other old guy with the pen. America deserves to pay homage to great people, places, and things. For WWE to drop that Pay-Per-View name for “The Bash” is a gosh darn shame. I am so mad at this move that I will politely write a letter that criticizes their decision, but first, I am going to wait a few weeks. If I still feel the same way a few weeks later, get ready for the bold font, fellows.
Even though World Wrestling Entertainment will not let us celebrate The Great American Bash, Donald Trump has come to the promotion to save the day. Now that he is our saviour, let us celebrate Trump by creating a new June Pay-Per-View in his name entitled "The Greatest American Bash." In my opinion, Donald Trump is the greatest American who ever lived. Forget you, Abraham Lincoln. Move over, Mr. America. Donald Trump has come to the forefront. He's here. He's American. He doesn't like general bashes.
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