In my opinion, gimmick matches are lovely. I can't watch wrestling anymore without gimmick matches up my wazoo. Truly, I love gimmick matches so much that I want to have a passionate night with one, then experience a pregnancy scare afterward. While I appreciate WWE and TNA's efforts to keep up with the times, they have not done enough. A cage around the ring, you say? Not enough. Encouraged weapons that are allowed, says a certain animal? Not enough. An even bigger cage than the previous cage beside a cage built by Nicolas Cage? Not nearly enough.
These days, children have no time nor the patience to watch regular matches with ten-minute time limits; you might as well stuff broccoli inside of Brussels sprouts, then force them to eat it. A normal, one-on-one match lacks many things, three of which include excitement. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action need to get with the program. Back then, jingling keys in front of viewers' faces was new and enthralling. Now, those keys don't jingle like they used to, frienemy.
As a public service, I would like to throw my various non-novelty and novelty hats into the ring. My mind holds oodles of gimmick matches that are waiting to show up on a national and international stage. Once the industry learns that my mind possesses the ability to generate trillions of dollars, every promotion in the world will flock to me. In response, I shall help them for a small free of trillions of dollars and additional service charges. I am running a business, sir and or lady. Pay up or lose out. In order to make money, you must give me money. This is brain surgery and rocket science put together. You can’t handle it.
If I was featured on a movie poster for a romantic comedy right now, the wrestling world and I would be standing back to back. While the wrestling world shrugs its shoulders, I would look at the wrestling world with an annoyed expression on my face. WWE would be like, "What would I do without you? I'm clueless, yet lovable. As for me, I would be like, "Isn't that wrestling world crazy right here? Oh, wrestling world. You crazy." We make quite the match.
Nothing can take the wind out of the fans' boat sails like a disqualification, which is disappointing because it's rarely windy around these parts. Plus, wrestling fans lack sails, let alone boat sails. In the past ten years, nearly 110% of wrestling matches have ended in disqualification. In the past minute, I have been disqualified five times for breathing. Therefore, I suggest that professional wrestling should adopt the "Disqualification Match," in which the point of the match is to disqualify yourself.
Witness wrestlers run at each other in the ringside area, wielding brass knuckles on one hand, a steel chair on the other hand, and German, spiked, army helmets on their heads. You don't need No Disqualification Matches when Disqualification Matches are superior. If you don't agree with me, you're disqualified... or are you? It depends.
Before Mick Foley volunteers to participate in this contest, bringing his children and model wife along for the ride(s), I wish to inform the people that Mick Foleys are not allowed to wrestle in a Six Flags Match. If he shows up, asking to be in my Six Flags Match, please inform me as soon as possible. In case of a Mick Foley Emergency, I shall make up a dress code in which wrestlers must wear shirts other than flannel and pants other than sweat before entering said match.
A Six Flags Match is self-explanatory, but I will explain it to you anyway. A Six Flags Match is a match that takes place at Six Flags. You're welcome. The winner of this match will be first wrestler to pin his opponent at every ride of every Six Flags theme park. Just so you are aware, Six Flags México counts. I don't want to discriminate. In the event that Mick Foley dons a sombrero and poncho to sneak into Six Flags México, I will take off one of my socks, dip it into the clean Mexican waters, then give him the Mandible Claw. If he escapes somehow, I may have to let him into the park. When it comes to theme parks, Mick Foley is relentless. Three of three faces of Foley want to go Six Flags, no matter what. They have a power that is immeasurable.
The "Halftime Heat" Empty Arena Match between The Rock and Mankind was epic. Recently, the Empty Arena Match between Kurt Angle and Sting consisted of both wrestlers calling each other "son of a bitch" a lot, which was epic as well. Unfortunately, nobody was present in the arena to see these matches. In conclusion, those Empty Arena Matches never existed. We were dreaming up those Empty Arena Matches all along. If we wish to witness these matches again for real, we must change the rules. Thus, the Empty Arena Match brings you the Overflowing Arena Match.
This time, the match is as real as Tyson Kidd's hairdo. For the Overflowing Arena Match, wrestlers will fight amidst a crowd of 500,000 spectators. Of course, no arena in the world can hold 500,000 spectators, but who said each member of the audience had to sit in a seat? In an Overflowing Arena Match, arena staff must stack the audience on top of each other until the arena is overflowing with people. To those wrestlers who choose to compete in this match, good luck hitting your opponent with a bag of popcorn because you will never be able to find it in that kind of a crowd. You could blindly dig your hand into the pile, but what you'll be taking out isn't popcorn. Not in the slightest.
Special guest referees are special. Not only do they get to wear special referee shirts, they get to referee wrestling matches. More often than not, special referees come into matches with little to no referee training, but that's what makes them so special. Speaking of things that are special, wrestling rings can be special, too. If you don't believe me, put a gigantic referee's shirt on a regular wrestling ring. What do you get? A special ring.
The object of a Special Ring Match is to gently wrestle your opponent to a pinfall or submission within the specially-clothed squared circle. You better not get that gigantic referee’s shirt dirty and crinkled. That referee’s shirt was specially made for this gimmick match. As a reminder, wrestlers should not violently slam or suplex their opponent onto the mat either. Since this ring is special, wrestlers should lightly set their opponents onto the mat as if it is a comfy bed. That way, everybody is happy and special rings remain special and unharmed. After everyone is done, we can all have juice and play with blocks in the corner. Yeah.
Wrestling promotions like ECW have taught us that fans don’t hesitate to bring weapons from home. If you ask them, they will bring them. Any household object can serve as a weapon in a Fans Bring The Weapons Match. For example, skillets, mallets, VHS and DVD players, and elderly grandmothers are useful weapons in these contests. I have never attended a wrestling event that had a Fans Bring the Weapons Match on the card, but I carry household weapons with me at all times. The other day, I brought steak knives. I tried to get them into the arena, but security wouldn't let me enter the building. Man, they must dislike steak knives. I would have went back home to get my butter knife, but that would take too long.
In 2009, a Fans Build The Weapons Match shall revolutionize the Fans Bring The Weapons Match. Wrestling fans love it when wrestlers hit each other with chairs, but can they construct chairs for wrestlers to use? On a recent episode of TNA Impact, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner fought with Santa Claus lawn ornaments and pogo sticks. Do fans have the skills to build Santa Claus lawn ornaments, pogo sticks, or Scott Steiner lawn ornaments trying and failing to use pogo sticks? The answer will surprise and amaze you. I want you to hit that guy with a building. Build it.
Even though the industry continues to use the Strap Match, I wish to reinvent it to appeal to an adult audience. For this bout, the strap will look a little different. You could say that the strap would be larger and thicker in size. You know what I mean by "strap," right? Don't make me say it. I only think up the matches. I’m not obligated to provide vivid descriptions. If you aren't sure what "strap" means, ask your mother, or your father... or... whoever. In this "Strap" Match, one wrestler equips this "strap," then uses it on the other wrestler. More specifically, he or she "hits" the other with the strap. Once those fifteen minutes are over, the wrestler hands the strap to the opponent to give him a try. The wrestler who can take the most "hits" will be the victor.
Do you understand the words that I are coming of my mouth? I know that many mothers and fathers who watch wrestling with their children will be furious with this idea, but a Strap Match would be the greatest spectacle. Imagine a championship match decided when one competitor goes behind the other and clocks him in the back of the head with a championship belt. Oh, that would be pleasurable. Also, that would be sexually violating for some reason. I don't know why.
One day, The Great Khali squished wrestlers' heads and regulation basketballs with his bare hands. The next day, he became "The Punjabi Playboy," making out with several ladies for his and Ranjin Singh's personal enjoyment. Call me insane, but I would not go for Khali's ladies. They are too attractive. I am not nor will I ever be a Bollywood movie star. I am nothing more than a simple professional wrestling analyst who has the potential to become a Hollywood movie star. Move over, John Cena and actual Hollywood movie stars.
The audience’s apathy has proven that the Punjabi Prison Match is a bust. To me, the Punjabi Prison Match was a gimmick match lazily created by a giant with a surplus of giant toothpicks. Wrestling fans don't care about giants with a surplus of giant toothpicks. They care about mansions with beautiful and personality-deficient women. In the Punjabi Playboy Mansion Match, The Great Khali and his opponent must compete against each other to see how many Punjabi Playboy Playmates they can kiss. Punishment and pain were norms in the Punjabi Prison Match. Luckily, Punjabi Playboy Mansion Matches are all about loving. Newspaperjeet Sihota — Miss January 2009 — is super fetching for a Punjabi Playboy Playmate. I want to read her all over.
Now and forever, vampires are cool. They sleep in coffins, dislike garlic and stakes to the heart, love Kristen Stewart with an undying passion, and serve as counts for chocolate-flavoured cereals. During the Attitude Era, Gangrel was a vampire. Look where he is now. A few years ago in ECW, Kevin Thorn was a vampire. He had a cane. Look what became of him. Kevin Thorn's lady, Ariel, was a vampiress before doubling as a Latin American valet who did nothing of value. Think about her success. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to become a vampire. I want the fangs, the cape, and the paleness. Additionally, I want every wrestler in WWE to become vampires.
A Thirst for Blood Match has a basic concept: two wrestlers fight to suck blood from the other's neck. If both participants suck each other's blood at the same time, they will engage in a Vampire Off, in which they must try to transform themselves into bats and fly out of an open, Transylvania castle window. When you can live like a vampire, what else it there to live for? Nothing. If you aren't a vampire, you can't even teach kids to count. What a horrible life.
Scaffold matches are the opposite of entertaining. For your information, Jim Cornette broke his leg in a Scaffold Match, which forced him to look and act like a surly pharmacist for the rest of his life. In a Scaffold Match, I know that the first wrestler to knock his opponent off the scaffold wins, but you know something else? The loser of that scaffold match almost dies. That last fact isn't that interesting to me. Professional wrestling should be about witnessing athletic feats, not watching a scared fellow clumsily land on his butt from a height of fifteen feet or more.
In terms of the Scaffold Match, I call for a revolution. A revolution from a reasonably high place. Unlike a normal Scaffold Match, a Reasonably High Place Match will involve a scaffold raised about five feet off the mat. Never again will you see a wrestler show his fear of heights. In the event that one of the competitors finds himself dangling from the edge of the scaffold, no worries. He will look down from the scaffold with a relieved expression and say, "Wow, this scaffold is not as high as I thought it was. Actually, the distance from the edge to the floor is rather reasonable. Hey, man. Look at the height of this. It's not that high at all. How about that?" Yeah, how about that?
A Pillow Match is fun when both women understand that the pillows they are pummelling each other with may not be hurting them physically, but will scar them emotionally in the future. Alas, the current crop of WWE Divas will never know the joys of emotionally scarring one another with a pillow. In accordance with the new, family-friendly WWE, I propose that they introduce a Pillow Match that boasts the competitive and dangerous spirit of men's gimmick matches. What I'm talking about when I'm talking about this match is pillows. Pillows of death.
The parental guidance prompt suggests that death shouldn’t be part of the matchmaking equation, but guiding parents should hear me out before they judge. These pillows will not shoot bullets. These pillows will not cause explosions. For a Pillow of Death Match, WWE Divas will hit each other with pillows that contain things that may or may not lead to irreparable, lethal harm. In a single, mystery pillow, I will include one of five deadly creatures: a venomous cobra, a poisonous bullfrog, a neighbour with homicidal tendencies, a robot from the future, and Steve Blackman. The Diva who suffers the wrath of one of these deadly beings shall lose the match. In the end, she may lose more than the match, but I am not responsible for such an incident. Paramedics are on the scene. Blame the parents. Blame society. Blame anybody other than me. I'm innocent, I tells you. All I did was everything.
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