Wrestling traditionalists, also known as really old people, have little to no faith in today's flashy gimmick matches. As for me, I can't get enough of these fancy ass contests. Quite frankly, I'm sick, tired, and sickly tired of standard, one-on-one wrestling matches. When I tune in to a WWE or TNA broadcast, I don't want to use my imagination; rather, I want promoters to fashion an imagination for me. Wrestling on television shouldn't make you think. Wrestling on television should make you rowdy, aroused, and somewhat uncomfortable. After all, you're the only one wearing pants in this equation. You see, wrestlers need mobility. Pants will only restrict their movement in battle.
In the past decade, numerous matches owe their greatness to the gimmick match. When Mankind wrestled the Undertaker in the Hell in a Cell, he became a wrestling superstar. At WrestleMania 13, an I Quit Match that pitted an emerging Stone Cold Steve Austin versus Bret "The Hitman" Hart solidified the former as the leader of the Attitude Era, what with his no-nonsense attitude and ability to wear all that ketchup on his face while struggling in the Sharpshooter. Speaking of WrestleManias, the seventeenth edition of the grandiose event gave us the TLC Match, which showcased the Hardy Boyz, the Dudley Boyz, and the Edge and Christian Boyz as three of the best tag teams in WWF and WWE history. Some wrestling fans believe that gimmick matches are unnecessary. Other followers find the convoluted rules of these contests quite confusing and convoluted. For your informative information, I am not one of those people. I am the opposite of most of those people.
In 2009, the industry must evolve. As the world changes before them, they must change with it. If they do not, they will be left behind, forced to become a distant and dying fad. Professional wrestling is not an entertainment sport to forget. Wrestling may be a circus at times, but it’s no Pogs. I have fifteen slammers and fourteen Pog tubes in an cardboard box that can back up my claim. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action are able to survive because they continue to invent and reinvent. These promotions are never complacent. In the fight for millions of your dollars, they are willing to throw any gimmick match your way. Put two nouns together and they will somehow make a gimmick match out of it. Go ahead. Peppercorn faucet, you say? Two weeks from now, the Peppercorn Faucet Match will be born. You do not have to thank the companies for bringing this match into the fold. Surely, they should be thanking you.
For the next few weeks, I will serve as wrestling's human support system, trying to bring new and exciting matches in this very ring or that other very ring. I cannot tell the difference between these very rings because they look alike, except that one is four-sided with a WWE-themed apron while the other is six-sided, adorned in the TNA logo. Whatever you do, take these gimmick match ideas as they are: brilliant works of a genius who lived long before his time. You better put some kudos in the vault now because you can bank on it.
According to WWE, their Hell in a Cell Match keeps participants confined to a small space so they may settle their on-air differences in close quarters. As we all know, Hell in a Cell Matches rarely stay in that hellish cell. Somehow, wrestlers find a way to escape, busting through the chain-link walls, or using tools to create openings. The referee can lock that door all he wants, but those guys are going to get out, come hell in a cell or high water in a cell. Therefore, what I propose is a slight variation to the Hell in a Cell in which WWE will have to secure a larger cell around the first cell. I know this idea is similar to the Kennel from Hell Match, but I am well aware that my gimmick match cannot live up to those lofty and legendary expectations. As wrestlers break free from the first cell, they will be in for a surprise. If they break out of the second cell, I shall include a third and fourth cell as reinforcement. Now try and get of this Russian-nesting-doll-like situation, fillies and fellows.
Longtime wrestling enthusiasts despise the 2 Out of 3 Falls Match for its predictability. Like the Iron Man Match, the 2 Out of 3 Falls Match ensures that wrestlers will compete for a certain amount of time. In this case, they usually go all the way to the third fall. In order to take the predictability out of this bout, I want to present a radical concept that will surely send many a ripple through the wrestling industry. In my mind, 2 Out of 3 Falls is not enough. If WWE and TNA want to make a multiple-fall match that matters, they must go above and beyond three falls. In other words, I am not talking five falls; I am not even referring to seven falls. Next year, I want to see a twenty-nine-fall match. The first wrestler who gets to fifteen falls by pin or submission wins the contest. How will this alteration change the game, I ask myself? Well, self, you make a intelligent and sexually irresistible point. By the twentieth fall, wrestling fans will be too exhausted to care how long the match goes. Perhaps most of them will fall asleep in their chairs, leaning on each other's shoulder in an adorable, peaceful conga line. That’s darling.
Today, the Table Match is a staple in wrestling, much like the DDT or Ric Flair's one-sided attacks on his own clothing. Once in a while, I love myself a Table Match, but what did tables ever do to deserve such harsh punishment? Before the Dudley Boyz arrived in WWE, tables lived lives of happiness, existing as decorative and functional pieces of furniture in suburban homes everywhere. After Bubba and D-Von departed, those tables were never the same. As an alternative, I would like to suggest that the wrestling world introduces the Ottoman Match, in which two wrestlers or tag teams compete to put their opponent(s) through living room ottomans. Although an ottoman does have the same width or length of an average, wooden, folding table, think about the possibilities. Watch in awe as competitors fight to accurately position their foes for a powerbomb through an ottoman, only to meet the feet of someone who wants to rest and recover from a stressful work day. Of course, a broken ottoman does not produce the same, satisfying crunching sound as a folding table, but man will that guy be mad. His feet were killing him that day. Nice.
Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels made the Ladder Match famous, competing not once, but twice for the right to own Intercontinental gold. If I get my wish in ten years, a returning Ric Flair and the ghost of Terry Funk will popularize a bout appropriately known as the Stair Lift Match. Growing old is an inevitably. One day, we can chew our own food. The next, we need to put an entire Thanksgiving turkey into a blender in order to digest it. In wrestling — a physical sport that significantly takes its mental and physical toll on youthful talent — the ability to climb a ladder is a fleeting privilege. Later on in life, the stresses of the ring pile up, resulting in broken-down individuals who struggle to climb a single rung, let alone many. For the older wrestlers in wrestling land who want a gimmick match for themselves, I give them the stair lift. As seen on television, mechanical stair lifts have helped elderly men and women up and down the stairs for generations. Besides the walk-in bathtub, the stair lift has been a tremendous invention for old people. So, why not incorporate the convenience of stair lifts with the drama of a ladder match? The winner of the Stair Lift Match is the first wrestler to mechanically lift himself or herself up the staircase towards the title belt that hangs high above the last step. If they cannot reach the belt, I shall give each wrestler the gift of an extendable trash picker. Nobody loses in that situation.
With the Ultimate X Match, Total Nonstop Action has made professional wrestling fun again. I am not a trained professional wrestler, but if I was, I would not hesitate to compete in the Ultimate X Match. For one, I like to climb jungle gyms. For two, I love to climb jungle gyms for the purpose of acquiring gigantic, red letters that often fall from the middle of said jungle gym. As a professional wrestling analyst, I am jealous. I wanted to be the first person to think up the Ultimate X Match. Judging from my previous ideas, the Ultimate X Match cartwheels right into my wheelhouse of carts. Because I want to save face, I plan to go straight-up Sesame Street in this mother. As of Monday, May 18, 2009, The Swerved brings you the Ultimate ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Match, in which wrestlers must fight to gain twenty-six letters of the alphabet that hang from twenty-six different places on the ropes. If TNA can secure a deal with Scrabble, wrestlers can gain additional points if they are able to grab a series of letters in the correct order to spell a word. While TNA's Ultimate X is good, is it twenty-six letters good? I don't think so, Brohosaphat.
Historically speaking, the Arm Wrestling Match goes back to prehistoric times, where cavemen fought for food, wives, and respect via tests of arm strength. Not only did the winner of said test get some food, some wives, and some respect, they got to use various animals as vacuum cleaners, garbage disposals, and mailboxes as well. What a life. In an Arm Wrestling Match, each competitor attempts to pin down his or her opponent’s arm. In a Wrestling Arms Match, a competitor attempts to fight and defeat a fatal weapon, such as a machete, rocket launcher, or a cyanide pill. Those of you who have battled arms before will know that this match will take skill, endurance, and perseverance. I am not knowledgeable about deadly weaponry, but I almost positive that a human being can defeat a gun by punching it a whole lot. If I am wrong in my assumption, do not correct me. I am overly sensitive when it comes to receiving corrections from the general public. Looking back to 2003, the build-up to the Royal Rumble would have been better if Triple H and Scott Steiner fought weapons rather than each other's arm. Weapons make anything better. Everybody saw Lethal Weapon, but would they have seen Lethal Arm?
The object of a Tuxedo Match is to strip your male opponent out of his suit. The object of a Bra and Panties Match is to strip your female opponent out of her clothes until she is down to wearing her bra and panties. Thirteen-year-old boys love these matches. For them, partial male nudity is funny, whereas partial female nudity stimulates some chronicles in their Narnia. When I was a thirteen-year-old, I was content with these matches, but not entirely happy. In my thirteen-year-old opinion, tuxedos were meant to be worn in a classy fashion like James Bond, not torn. As for Bra and Panties Matches, the concept bored me for such sights were commonplace in my world. Back then, I interacted with numerous half-dressed girls in my bachelor pad entitled "The Bedroom Next to My Parents' Room." The girls love their Nintendo 64 and Capri Sun. What was I to do?
Even though I might be the only one who shows interest in the following idea, I wish to present it anyway. Whether or not you agree with me, the Tuxedo of Panties Match appeals to many demographics, ranging from those who like tuxedos to those who like panties to those who like tuxedos fashioned into panties. You cannot go wrong with panties made out of tuxedos because the overall look is both classy and sexy. My job is done here... until the next gimmick match proposal.
Wrestling promoters do not shy away from placing objects on poles. Most of the time, promoters put the kinds of objects on poles that do not belong anywhere near poles. I am not sure if glittery stars, piñatas, and boxes with Scott Hall's picture inside are objects worthy to be placed on poles either, but wrestling companies think differently. Like always, I will take the high road and disregard the obvious pole jokes. Believe you me, you are a twisted individual and I will not subject myself to such lowbrow, immature humour.
Speaking of upright rods, every superstar in the wrestling business will want to climb mine because I plan to place a second pole on top of the first in a Pole on a Pole Match. While one pole is difficult to climb, two poles are twice as hard. If someone manages to climb the second pole, they will win the match. Exotic dancers are ineligible because they use poles in their everyday lives. Allowing a stripper to compete in this match is like letting Kelly Kelly wrestle in a Pointing to the Sky Match. Kelly Kelly points to the sky to acknowledge the future success of our family band, but that gesture perplexes everybody else. She should stop.
Global warming is real, you guys. If you throw your Styrofoam cups in the ocean, the icebergs will melt, causing floods around the world. In the North Pole, Santa Claus will lose his home. The elves will try to escape by cobbling an airplane out of cedar, but they will eventually succumb to the flood. Those Hollywood celebrities are right, you know. They are famous. Therefore, I must hear them out and obey their orders. They will not steer me wrong because some of them acted in popular films before. In World Wrestling Entertainment, the Inferno Match has done big, fiery business, making mad money by slightly setting the Big Red Machine's boot and MVP's protected back ablaze with a flame that rivals a small to medium-sized match. Borrowing and tinkering with their idea, I give to you the Summer Heat Wave Match, which combines the danger of the Inferno Match with the uncomfortable unpleasantness of a summer heat wave. In the Summer Heat wave Match, two wrestlers face off to see who can stay out of the heat the longest. He or she who fails to stay out of the heat will be forced to face the burning wrath of a summer day in Phoenix, Arizona. It's so painful for you, the wrestler, but it's so enjoyable for a viewer like myself. People with heart conditions live there. Fresh pitchers of lemonade are sparse. Oh, no. What is to become of you?
The Falls Count Anywhere Match provides wrestlers with the opportunity to pin their opponent(s) wherever they want to in an arena. Consider this match as the antithesis of the Hell in a Cell Match for it encourages wrestlers to brawl with each other in the crowd, fight through the aisles, and wrestle in front of concession stands. With the Falls Count Anywhere Match, any type of pinfall is legal in any place.
For a Falls Count Somewhere Match, securing a victory is improbable, but not impossible. In this match, a pinfall only counts when attempted at a certain, undisclosed place. Perhaps that place is the arena, or the parking lot. Maybe that place is across the street. Most likely, that "somewhere" is metaphorical. Falls count there... or do they? Every fall counts except the one in my heart... or does it? Where is this "somewhere? Will we ever get to it? Did it ever exist? In the night sky, I look for answers, but it only gives me questions. One day, I will find that somewhere. Those wrestlers will find that somewhere. Someday, we will turn that "somewhere" into "some" "where."
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