The Swerved Recordings: Shane McMahon

Shane McMahon is a part-time wrestler, but once in a while, he’s a full-time ass kicker. According to my experiences, ass kicking never takes a holiday when Shane McMahon is around. The following objects are not safe in the presence of one Shane O'Mac: King of the Ring panes of glass, packing peanuts, Styrofoam, couch cushions, pillows, children's ball pits, and wrestlers' faces. This past week on RAW, Shane proved why he is the best pound-for-pound fighter in the entire WWE when he feels like showing up and doing stuff. Forget about the Big Show and his super incredible punch that knocks everyone out so much that the wind of his punch creates hurricanes off the coast of Costa Rica. The Undertaker, with his ability to MMA-fight his opponents to death, does not hold a candle to Shane McMahon. In fact, the Undertaker is eight candle holders short of a decorative menorah.

When Vince McMahon gets kicked in the head for being a power-hungry maniac, Shane McMahon comes to the rescue to avenge his father's one millionth, near-death accident. When Stephanie McMahon can't get her way, which prevents her from acting like the most confident, authoritative, and independent woman to exist since Beyoncé, her older brother steps in to give her some much needed, Greenwich, Connecticut street credibility. Beyoncé... is Sasha Fierce, but Shane McMahon... is Sasha Fiercer. When Linda McMahon takes away the name from John Cena's patented finishing move, Shane McMahon appears, looks important, presses some buttons on a futuristic-looking control board of buttons, and magically makes wrestling fans forget about the F-U. Did you know that if you lined up a thousand Shane McMahons on their backs, end-to-end, you would cover approximately sixty-four percent of the country of Belize? In the past, I tried to do the same with the other McMahons, but they were insufficient at best.

In 2009, Shane McMahon plans to dominate many people, places, and things. Therefore, watch out, nouns and pronouns. As Shane takes over the business with his unique, interesting brand of wrestling, he shall rule the music airwaves as well. Of course, The Swerved Recordings is here to help him rule. The Swerved Recordings, a successful music label based out of Swerved City, Swervedsylvania, was established in 2006 and continues to be an influential force in the industry to this day. Previous albums by talented artists like Vince McMahon, The Great Khali , and William Regal sold between zero and three billion records worldwide. The songstress herself, Vickie Guerrero, released an album that somehow saved Nicaraguan children from a collapsed schoolhouse once. With The Swerved Recordings behind Shane McMahon, get ready to be wowed. I hope you're unsatisfied with your current skin colour. If you are, The Swerved Recordings is going to colour you surprised.

Without further delay, let The Swerved Recordings show you the new Shane McMahon. When he is not standing in place, he's exerting himself in a physical manner. What does this mean exactly? Shane McMahon is "Huffin' 'n Puffin'."


Shane McMahon - "Huffin' 'n Puffin
Shane's new album features fifteen masterful songs, recorded from atop a WWE entrance set, high above a strategically placed crash pad with a waiting Test or Steve Blackman below. Sometimes, Shane sounds like he is wheezing on the CD, as if he not in great physical shape, but just ignore that sounds. If anything, I bet you have a bad MP3 player. Yeah, that's a perfectly believable explanation for the wheezing. Good one, self.

On select tracks, the salt-and-pepper-haired one has invited the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to serve as his background singers. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir is not a choir for everyone, but you must admire their love for Shane McMahon's talent to resemble copious amounts of American currency whenever he walks to the ring. You may circulate the money when he arrives, but please refrain from exchanging those bills for change. Shane McMahon is made out of money, yet does not care for dimes or nickels. According to his entrance theme, he wears a cologne called "Brand New Money." Shane McMahon is a walking pile of money who likes to smell like money. When people see him on the street, they perceive him to be a frugal gentleman. Shady criminals attempt to stuff his body parts into duffel bags, but they do so with an underlying sense of guilt.

Track Listing:
1. Huffin 'n Puffin' (I'll Blow Your Second Generation Houses Down)
2. Sister from My Mister (ft. Stephanie McMahon)
3. Get Out of My Way, Kofi Kingston (I'm Trying to Be Hardcore Awesome Here)
4. Check Out My Improvised Explosive Devices
5. Not Randy for Orton
6. Nerf Hands
7. In Your Face, I See Beatings
8. McMahon Jam
9. Your Precious Oxygen is My Precious Oxygen
10. Pricefull
11. Here Come The Stunnies
12. Shane-O Insano
13. Cotton Candy Suspenders
14. Why You Gotta Be Like That, Kofi Kingston? (I Don't Discriminate Against People Who Are Supposedly From Jamaican, But You're Pushing It, You Know)
15. Ruthless, Aggressive Breathing

The Swerved Recordings does not exaggerate when we claim that critics dig "Huffin' 'n Puffin’." In most cases, critics love the album more than they love their own children. One time, I saw this one critic from Rolling Stone Magazine, feeding the album some grapes while he bashed his son over the head with the jewel case. If that visual does not scream love, I don't know the meaning of love. All that I can comprehend is everlasting pain. Nevertheless, wrestling fans should be ecstatic to know that Shane breathes so hard on "Huffin' 'n Puffin’" that he emits carbon dioxide for every tree in the world. He is a giver, not a taker. Remember that fact when he stumbles while he shuffles.

"Greatest chill-out album ever. I'm wearing a shirt, but I don't feel obligated to wear a sweater vest. How convenient." - Mean Street Posse

"An audible, swift soccer kick to the head... in a figurative sense." - Randy Orton

"We have bigger plans for you, Randy Orton. Don't change the subject. My mother wants to wrestle you in the Elimination Chamber." - Stephanie McMahon

"Did I hear an echo? Hot dog in a hallway, Steph. Hot dog in a hallway." -
Randy Orton (again)

"Shane McMahon is the European Champion of huffing and puffing. Now, would you like to buy this energy drink I store in my pants?" - X-Pac

"Music to my ears; I don't know what else to call it. Music is meant for listening. I listen to the music with my ears." - Logical Thinker

"Thanks for loving me so much." - Oxygen

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, except for Mr. McMahon and his disciple. Mr. McMahon, whose tan, well-toned body, supersedes that of a normal, sixty-year-old, whose mighty grapefruits produced the life-giving semen that spawned me... Dad, this is getting weird." - Shane McMahon

This spring, Shane McMahon will visit an anthropomorphic pig in a straw house. In a heavy breathing session, McMahon will accidentally inhale the entire house. Next, Shane McMahon will venture to a house of sticks, where a second anthropomorphic pig is reading Time Magazine. After beating up the house, he will inhale the sticks in the process. Before a house of bricks, Shane McMahon will break down the walls with left and right hands. The bricks will stay put on the ground because Shane McMahon's breathing isn’t that powerful. I mean, think about it. Really, man. Those bricks aren’t light.


The Swerved Recordings'
Shane McMahon - "Huffin' 'n Puffin'"
In stores when Kofi Kingston gets out of the way. Get out of the way, Kofi Kingston. You're blocking the album-purchasing shelves.