Last week, I reviewed the glorious ninth installment of WWE: The Music entitled Voices. While I was content with the majority of the album's offerings, I wished for more. I do not understand what is stopping World Wrestling Entertainment from creating great music. At their best, they make good music, but they can never be great. For the first time ever, I wish to lend a hand. This hand is fairly unpredictable, but if I position it right in the correct lighting, this hand will be a helping one.
Without question, I adore music. I listen to music every day and every night, but not every afternoon. I must not be the only one who reserves afternoons for some Me Time. Nevertheless, my admiration for music is so strong that I am willing to channel my interests to help the wrestling industry. In a biased manner, I shall recommend songs that will change the professional wrestling landscape forever. They will enhance gimmicks, show off personalities, and bring happiness and free hot dogs and Pepsi to the wrestling world. If you are not with me, you are against me with an empty hot dog bun and an empty cup of Pepsi.
Sometimes, I wonder why I choose to save WWE again and again. Maybe I should help those who will actually appreciate my hard work, rather than blast my hard work from afar, then take credit for my efforts a few months later. As I second-guess my decision to help out this big corporation, I take pleasure in my choice. When wrestling becomes cool again, you know who to thank. This guy right here with the thumbs.
In the second edition of The Entrance, I will continue my music recommending spree. I hope you're listening to what I'm listening, World Wrestling Entertainment. Wherever you are, you will always be a part of me--the part I don't like. I want to say spleen, but I don't hate my spleen that much. I'm disappointed in my spleen, though. My spleen is like the kid who comes to his father with a report card of straight Bs. For a spleen, straight Bs are impressive, but they're no As.
Maria comes again like bad medicine. Michelle McCool believes you are not for her as you are just another man in love with her. Stephanie McMahon is grown up enough to get her big brother to fight enemies on her behalf. Today, I am unhappy with the entrance themes of the WWE Divas. What happened to the days when Trish Stratus had the keys to the city? She didn't have one key, but many keys. While some WWE Divas have a key to the city, they do not possess several.
In hopes to bring back the WWE Diva entrance theme to greatness, Santogold's "Creator" will do the trick like a dog who knows how to do tricks, except in a musical way. This song will make you bop your head, move your feet, and start fights with people and animals larger than you. For goodness sake, the WWE Diva who uses this song will become a creator. She will possess the power to run the streets and break up houses. If I was a WWE Diva, I would want nothing more than the power to break up a romantic relationship between two houses. They don’t belong together. They have different faiths.
Some wrestling fans claim that Marty Jannetty is stuck in the 1980s. After all, his DayGlo wrestling tights from his days as the window-smashing half of the Rockers continues to be an integral part of his wardrobe. You may call that sight sad, but I call it inspirational. Marty Jannetty wants to hold onto his favourite decade; I want to hold onto that decade with him. The '80's made my birth possible. The '80s gave us Hulk Hogan. Most of all, the '80s made WrestleMania what it is today: Mr. T-friendly.
Montreal's Dave 1 and P-Thugg are Chromeo--the chrome version of an “electrofunky” oreo. They love their synthesizers and talk boxes. In particular, Dave 1 likes to talk like a robot. Don't we all wish to speak like robots? French music producer Yuksek adds even more robotic deliciousness with his remix of Chromeo's "Bonafied Lovin'." Which WWE wrestler seems like he could give the most "Bonafied Lovin'"? John Cena's lower half. If you are like me, you tend to stare at wrestler's crotches (male, female, and other) during tedious matches. I don't know if you noticed, but John Cena gets pretty excited in the jean shorts area when he wrestles. Take a look back at his inter-gender tag match with a returning Trish Stratus. You will see the "bonafied" part of the lovin'. I can’t blame him. Her keys to the city are pretty attractive. They look like keys to entire countries.
Toronto, Ontario's Kardinal Offishall is one of the best Canadian-based, official cardinals I have ever seen. When he's not rapping, he's serving the pope (The Pope Todd Grisham) rather well. Together, Kardinal Offishall and the Pope Todd Grisham survey holy matters, such as the return of Christian to World Wrestling Entertainment. Whenever Christian arrives, the Pope Todd Grisham knows and he will say that he knows in a disappointing, anti climactic fashion. Kardinall helps Grisham blow smoke out the chimneys in the shape of the letter C.
With assistance from The Clipse, Kardinal Offishall is prepared to set it off. I bet several wrestlers on all three brands wish to join him. William Regal finds this track to be bumping. The Undertaker rolls his 'bows to the beat as he undertakes things. Lastly, Umaga enjoys this song, but does not have the ability to verbally express his admiration. Therefore, he's just going to set things on before setting things off again with his taped thumb. That taped thumb is talented.
Did you know that love is a rebellious bird? Well, you should. They've been singing about this fact for several years. Love is the Stone Cold Steve Austin of human emotions. When love makes its presence known, be prepared to eat a Stone Cold Stunner right in the heart. In the end, you shall feel shame--the Kizarny of human emotions. You'll swallow a sword made out of pain and heartache, then spin around a whole bunch.
Unless you are unaware of my love for eclectic music, you should not be surprised by my choice. I'm straight up digging music from operas, people. In this case, The Neptunes and Kelis get it done. World Wrestling Entertainment would be a fool not to use this song for their next great superstar. I assume that this particular ditty would be appropriate for a rebellious man, but what about a bird? How about a rebellious wrestling bird? The bird could feud with a window pane.
Together, singer and guitarist Dan Auerbach and drummer Patrick Carney are known as The Black Keys. To my knowledge, they are not The Black Keys to the City. If a popular WWE Diva receives a key to the city, I guess it will not be black in colour or ethnicity. The Black Keys' "I Got Mine" is a nifty blues-rock anthem, reminiscent of my blues-rock band from the late '90s.
My friend Rick, his friend Alex, and I called ourselves "Barry Horowitz's Other Hand." Why did you call yourselves that name, one person inquires? To answer your question, Jane Dobson from Norfolk, Virginia, we were Barry Horowitz's Other Hand because we could be. What else were we supposed to call ourselves? Barry Horowitz's Other Hand is way better than The Who, The Doors, or The Apple Dumpling Gang. When Barry Horowitz pats his back with one hand, what is the other hand doing? Slapping the taste of out the naysayers' mouths. As a band, we slapped all of them (for two days). I slapped some with my electric recorder.
Before you ask J Diggz about his stage name, or the name of his song, J Diggz wants you to know that he doesn't have time to answer your silly questions. J Diggz is so busy that he does not have one minute to spare to correct the glaring spelling errors in his name, nor the name of his song. Stop playing around, wrestling audience. J Diggz is here. Give him dat. Give him dat as soon as possible. Don't make him take dat from you by force.
I would deem "Gimme Dat" as the perfect theme for Cryme Tyme, but Shad Gaspard and JTG do not deserve this pimptacular song. For one, Shad Gaspard is a big, sluggish guy who doesn't understand the difference between a real coin and a fake coin until it is too late. For two, JTG seems busier than J Diggz. In my opinion, JTG is so busy that his parents were busy when they tried to name their busy, newborn son. "Let's put a J and a T in there somewhere. Most likely, we'll put it at the beginning. Shillings, shillings. Yeah, yeah.” I think JTG's parents had very little time on their hands. Also, they lived in 19th Century England.
More often than not, I will hear an entrance theme and distract myself from the lyrics. Of course, wrestling songs do not have to be sophisticated and deep works of audible art, but would it kill WWE and Jim Johnston to produce a catchy tune with equally catchy lyrics? According to myself, my request would most likely kill WWE and Jim Johnston. My idea is not their idea. Thus, Vince McMahon does not like it.
Kenna's "Out of Control" is a simple song with simple, unforgettable lyrics. I am not saying this song is the next "Sexy Boy," but once again, this theme would be perfect for a WWE Diva. This song could be the "Sexy Boy" of WWE Diva entrance themes. In 2009, I will settle for the "Planet Stasiak" of WWE Diva entrance themes. Actually, "Planet Stasiak" was an excellent song. If you heard it at the right time of day, you felt like you were on Planet Stasiak. Statues of knights are everywhere. You either run into them or you miss one and run into another.
Busta Rhymes busts many things. On a usual workday, he busts rhymes. For instance, he busts many a rhyme on "Don't Touch Me (Throw Da Water On 'Em)," a fast-paced rap song that could be performed by the speed-talking guy from the Micro Machines commercials (if he rapped... professionally). Now that WWE provides kid-friendly programming, I doubt they would want this song on their shows for it denounces non-threatening physical contact, such as hugging, and glorifies throwing water on things that do not necessarily need copious amounts of water thrown on them. This song needs a double dose of Don't Try This public service announcements.
Despite the high quality of the song, I struggle to come up with a wrestler who will benefit from having it as his or her theme. I want to say that the song would fit Kane, but I want to say Kane just to see the Big Red Machine act like Busta Rhymes. First, Kane will rap really fast, then come stomping down the ramp in front of a camera with a fish eye lens. He will drink Courvoisier under a pool table with Kelly Kelly (I am okay with her participation because I am not a jealous lover). And finally, if he is willing, Kane will fashion the stubble on the top of his head to look like carrot roots. I'm waiting, Kane.
In my four years as a world famous, professional wrestling analyst, I fought many foes to this epic, pulse-pounding song from the opera Carmina Burana. As the creator of The Swerved, you get many fans, but you get just as many enemies. With one hand tied behind one leg tied behind one of my backs, I wrestled a two-headed dragon to death. That dragon criticized my writing style. How dare he express his opinion. Two years ago, I killed a phoenix on top of a bear under a porcupine who shot bullets instead of needles. A week later, I fought the Rory McAllister of the Highlanders on Heat. I lost by countout.
In other words, Carl Orff's "O Fortuna" will turn any normal, cowardly man into a superhuman, brave warrior. You could be a warrior to the ultimate degree. That's right; you could be Rory McAllister of the Highlanders. There can only be one Rory McAllister of the Highlanders. Through "O Fortuna," you could be him. Good luck.
Due to the onscreen debut of "Land of Five Rivers," perhaps The Great Khali does not need another fantastic tune. To me, no entrance theme in the modern WWE rivals "Land of Five Rivers," except for Santino Marella's "La Vittorio e Mia." Regardless, Egyptian music producer Hossam Ramzy and Abdul Halim Hafiz bring the goods, services, and goodly services with "Khusara Khusara." Are you big pimpin' and or spending cheese? They are.
If I became a full-time professional wrestler in World Wrestling Entertainment, "Khusara Khusara" would be my entrance theme, despite the fact that the song does not fit my gimmick at all (power-hungry botanist). At WrestleMania, my big entrance would consist of the entire arena, rocking out on the flute as I arrive on a chariot pulled by lovely ladies in bikinis. Those ladies would play the flute as well. I want my ladies to multi-task.
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