Last week, I embarked on a spiritual journey to bring sense and meaning into my life. I wandered through the mountain plains, waded through the quickest of sands, and rode through rivers of steaming, volcanic lava on a paper boat of hopes and dreams. While some people choose to give up on the arduous trek towards enlightenment, I am not "some people." I am Stephen Rivera, the author of The Swerved with someone whose name is rather similar to mine. I built this wrestling empire with the power of my genius mind. How can I quit and let down the trillions of adoring fans whose happiness depends on my success? Am I willing to return to everyday life without an answer and confront the sad face of little Timmy Martinez? Am I that selfish?
Timmy Martinez is my 375,405,111th biggest fan. For little Timmy Martinez, I knew that I had to continue -- somehow, some way. I wanted little Timmy Martinez to grow up in the world where a man's biggest questions could be answered. I wanted him to be a part of a place where he could become anything that he wanted to be, such as Timothy Martinez: attorney-at-law slash gourmet hot dog vendor.
With the thought of Timmy Martinez in the back of my mind, I was determined to find my answer. On the verge of certain death, I persevered from obstacle to obstacle. As my body ached and begged for mercy, I gained wind after wind. On my 124th wind, I arrived at my spiritual destination -- the internet. Under the bright lights of the heavens above, InsomniAddict asked unto me, "What WWE Superstar are you?" For a minute, I was not sure how to respond. Then, I asked myself, "What would Timothy Martinez do?" I thought he would take on my small claims case as he cooked a delicious Chili Dog, but that was besides the point. When InsomniAddict asked the same question again, I was stumped. I thought I could never utter a correct reply, until I came across his quiz, present before my eyes. Although I wondered why I took on such a strenuous adventure into the great beyond when I could have stayed at home, I saw this quiz as a sign, a sign of self-discovery. This InsomniAddict must be a god and or an insomniac and or an addict, but only two of the three.
As I encountered the first question of the quiz, I knew that I was taking part in something special. I felt this feeling of rebirth and rejuvenation in the depths of my heart. Even if I had to work all day, I would finish this quiz. With my last breath, I would discover the WWE Superstar within me. Right now, World Wrestling Entertainment is missing a member of its talent roster. That missing member is me for true. Therefore, let me finish my journey. Onwards and upwards, my friends. Onwards and upwards. At first, I went downwards, but that was the wrong way.
41. Do you find Sharmell attractive?
Sharmell T, the wife of Booker T, was quite fetching as Queen Sharmell in World Wrestling Entertainment. Then again, I find all queens attractive, what with their tiaras and plethora of sashes. Without question, the female sovereign is my number one type of woman. What is my second favourite type of woman? Ironically enough, my second favourite type is the Queen chess piece. Go on with your bad self and move in a diagonal fashion, girl. Take those unoccupied squares.
42. Do the words "Mmmm...... cheeseburger" come to mind often?
I am not sure what you are insinuating with this question. Cheeseburgers and wrestling are kindred entities. They go together like shoe polish and magnets. Do I enjoy a juicy cheeseburger now and again? Yes. On occasion, do I ponder the thought of eating such a cheeseburger? Yes. On the next edition of ECW on Sci-Fi, am I going to make my professional wrestling debut as The Cheeseburglar and win my first match with an inverted DDT called "Burglar Time"? Absolutely yes. Hamburgers are for the weak.
43. Are you cool?
Even though I am not as cool as Carlito, I have been cool in the past. In my past life, I used to be a red dot with sunglasses on the label of 7 Up bottles. Back then, I was totally cool. I was representing the Uncola. I was against carbonated beverages that were pro-Cola. I started a revolution. You couldn’t get any cooler.
44. Have you ever been in a sumo match?
Do you recall the Big Show versus Akebono match at WrestleMania 21? You do? For those of you who do remember this match and or the event, I played an integral part in both. While I did not compete in the contest, I made the match the great success that it was with my amazing sewing skills Using the world's entire supply of silk, I fashioned a loincloth for each competitor to wear. Unfortunately, three million spiders (and one Spider-person) died in the making of those loincloths. Why, Charlotte, why? It should have been me.
45. Do you have prefer submission?
For the last time, I dislike submission. Why tie your opponent into a pretzel for the victory when you can finish him off by striking him in the face with a really hard pretzel? I'm talking two-days-old pretzels that have been stored in Linda McMahon's soul, mothersnackers. Linda McMahon's soul was the driest place I could find.
46. Do you have a band?
Yes, I do. Monday Night RAW Superstar Kelly Kelly and I tour the Swiss countryside with my three adopted children, Liesl von Trapp, Friedrich von Trapp, and Michael Cole (I did not adopt the other von Trapp children because they are annoying). Together, we play music that we like to call "Gangster Folk." In this family band, Liesl and Friedrich are the DJs and Michael Cole plays the triangle. I know the triangle is an unnecessary instrument, but we have to include our Michael somehow. If you saw him dance in the ring this past week, you will understand why he is the black sheep of our family.
47. Do you got legs?
In comparison to former WWE Diva and current human being Stacy Keibler, I got legs, but I don't know how to use them as well as she does. Sometimes, I mistake my legs for spoons and try to use them to scoop up Raisin Bran. Other times, I try to build shelters for the needy with my legs. As you can tell, I have a lot to learn about my legs' abilities.
48. Are you a Heartbreaker?
I am not a Heartbreaker as I believe that hearts were not made to be broken. In my opinion, hearts were invented to house small pieces of chocolate. I bet Shawn Michaels is unaware of this fact. If the Heartbreak Kid wants to break some hearts, he has broken mine by being ignorant to the actual purpose of hearts. He should not be your Boy Toy anymore. Shawn Michaels is a boy who toys with reality.
49. Do you want to Have a Nice Day?
I associate the catchphrase "Have a Nice Day" with the dress-shirt-and-tie era Mankind, which is my least favourite incarnation of Mick Foley. In order to have a nice day, Mick Foley must redo his entire wrestling career as Dude Love. For one, Dude Love can fly. You saw him fly in his Titantron. Mankind can't fly like Dude love. He sits in the corner of an island, rocking back and forth, eating Chef Boyardee.
50. Do you feel you have... evolved... past all the other wrestlers?
Since I see myself as somewhat superhuman, I say, "Yes." Unlike the other wrestlers, I do not breathe with two lungs. I have gills. While the other wrestlers have a human torso, I have the torso of an American Black Bear. I have six fingers on each hand and seven toes on each foot. Actually, I have two machine guns in place of feet. I am the ultimate WWE Superstar.
51. Are you better as a tag team?
Am I better as a tag team with myself? Out of every tag team in wrestling today, Myself and I are one of the more efficient and exciting duos. Myself and I finish each other's sentences and wear the same clothes. Surprisingly, we share the same body as well. Watch out, whoever are the WWE and World Tag Team Champions right now. Myself and I are coming for you. Beware of our double team move -- The Double Single Dropkick.
52. Do you prefer Amature Wrestling?
What is this "Amature Wrestling" to which you refer? A… Mature… Wrestling? A singular instance of wrestling in a mature way, or in a mature environment? Does "A Mature Wrestling" involve competing in a ring for five minutes, then taking a break to get car insurance? In the sport of A Mature Wrestling, is the winner of the match the one who enjoys Elizabethan period pieces the most? If I am thinking what you are thinking, Amature Wrestling is not for me. I am a Toys R Us kid.
53. Do you like the highlight reel?
In general, highlight reels are entertaining. As for Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel, I am not a fan. For one, Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel interview segment had the ugliest carpet. Whenever WWE brought out that carpet, I wondered if a magical unicorn vomited and spontaneously combusted on it. For two, Chris Jericho's Highlight had the obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000 -- a poor quality plasma television at best. Somebody get me some Magnasonic in there. Whenever I visit electronics stores, I do not even look at that brand. I head straight for the aisle with quality knockoff televisions instead.
54. Do you like to play games?
I don't care what my half brother Triple H says. I do not think it is ever time to play his game. What fun is putting my head underneath his crotch while his sweaty thighs clamp me down in position? Mind you, he does this as he places my hands behind my back. Unless I am mistaken, this is not how half brothers play. This is how Triple H and Ric Flair express their love and respect for each other in the backstage area. Whenever Triple H wants to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos, I'll be ready. Until that day arrives, I don't want to play "Cruel Intentions."
55. Would you do anything for attention, even attack a girl from behind?
In my opinion, girls are fair game for sneak attacks. Every day and night, I attack girls from behind. For obvious reasons, some girls like it, but others take it as an insult. More often than not, I am not looking for attention. Usually, I am searching for sweet, sweet loving. If women wish to be treated as equals in society, they must accept that the fact that they will be subject to attacks in various situations. I'm talking fighting in a gravel pit with spears, chicken fighting at the beach on the backs of great white sharks, and awkwardly showering together, naked at the gym with naked strangers. If women wish to have true equality, they must give and take punishment like the rest of the world.
56. Do you like Hammers?
Whenever Triple H uses the sledgehammer, I picture him in the video for Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer." I wish Hunter could sledgehammer the hell out of those dancing chickens. If he did, I would forgive him for all those times that he wanted me to play his games. Also, I would learn to love hammers. After he hammered those chickens, we would ride that rollercoaster on the chalkboard, or use fruit to construct a face that sings. We need to rekindle our brotherly love, and we need to do it as soon as possible.
57. Will you put your own body on the line?
Truly, I am afraid to head out my door because I know that my body will be put on the line, regardless of my willingness to do so. As a professional wrestling analyst like myself, I cannot walk one step in the outside world without encountering thousands of groupies who want to undress me. In the middle of the night, I ask the Lord why he made me so attractive. In response, the Lord said that he did all he could to make me unattractive, but my attractiveness was too powerful to be altered for the worse. I am not going to exaggerate; I feel like a sexy soldier in a sexy war that I cannot win.
58. Are you heartless?
I am not without a heart. In several circles, I am known to be the owner of three hearts. Do not inquire as to how I have three hearts rather than one. I cannot tell you who or what gave me these hearts, but I am willing to juggle them for your amusement. I hope the Tin Man does not read this piece. He will be crushed. Also, he will continue to be a man of tin.
59. Are you a diva?
How can I be a diva? Even though I like to dress up in slutty Halloween costumes, such as the one I wore this year (slutty ringside timekeeper), I do not have the anterior protuberances nor the female reproductive system to qualify as a WWE Diva or TNA Knockout. For you aspiring male divas, may I suggest that you become slutty ringside timekeepers for Halloween 2009? Ding, ding, ding, everybody. I can dream, but you can make it happen.
60. Do you hate Test or Steiner?
I cannot hate Test or Steiner. I do not even think that disliking Andrew "Test" Martin or "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner is possible. If Test has Testicles around the world, I like to think of myself as his left one. Despite the fact that I do not understand what Scott Steiner says, I holler whenever I hear them. If I do not hear him, I holler until I do. Then, I holler again. Test and Scott Steiner are my homies. Test can play the tambourine in my band with Kelly Kelly any time. On any day of the week, Scott Steiner can come over to my wrestling arena, leap from the ring apron, and come up three feet short of attacking Test. We’ll have fun.
61. Do you like the colour red?
The colour red is the Darth Vader of colours. I despise the colour red with every ounce of my being. If I ever see the Big Red Machine come down the aisle with a Cincinnati Reds uniform, chewing Big Red behind the wheel of a red Corvette to a theme by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I shall go mad. I shall write a strongly worded letter to his representatives in blue pen. You got that right, sir or madam. My pens are not fans of the colour red either.
62. Are you a girl?
Minutes before you asked this question, I swiped my hand against my lower body and discovered that I am still a boy (until further notice). I could have checked again and again, but that is a job for the ladies. Perhaps I will go under a Rob Schneider-esque transformation and become Rachel McAdams someday, but I cannot depend on a pipe dream. If you understand this reference, I feel happy and sorry for you. Please feel happy and sorry for me.
63. Have you ever almost killed someone?
A long time ago, when I turned into a Samoan with an ample, chunky posterior who then turned into a cerebral assassin in a denim vest over a leather jacket, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. As far as I know, Stone Cold Steve Austin is still alive, but he must drink non-alcohol beverages for the rest of his life. I am positive that his inner smoking skull is crying. In addition, that smoking skull is smoking. Sadly, Austin's smoking skull has not learned about the dangers of smoking out of his eyes or mouth.
64. Do you win titles in your first match's?
Who or what is this first match and who or what does this first match possess? You intrigue me with your words and sentences. I have not met First Match or any first matches, yet I want to meet him, her, or it. I suppose that if First Match accompanied me to the ring, I would win every title imaginable. Here I be, WWF European Title -- the most prestigious WWF European-themed championship belt in the history of WWF European-themed championship belts. The glorious Mideon was your best owner, but I will be your next owner.
65. Are you championship material?
I am always championship material. I am not made of fat and water. In order to construct my body, my parents used leather, diamonds and other valuable gems, and gold. As a child, they carried me over their shoulder and wore me around their waist. They were brave, fighting champions, at least until they lost me in a match against the travelling circus.
66. Do you like the letters RKO?
Out of these three letters, the letter O is my favourite. As for the letter R, I am ambivalent towards it. The letter K is my least favourite letter for it is the most pointy. The letter K looks like the letter I violating Pac-Man. For goodness sake letter K, Pac-Man has a significant other that he loves dearly. For her birthday, he bought her a bow and will buy her a bow until she becomes sick of them. Randy Orton should be ashamed of the letter K. That letter does not have enough tattoos.
67. Do you like motorcycles?
Poor Chuck Palumbo. For your information, I have no use for Chuck Palumbo's motorcyclist gimmick and all similar gimmicks in professional wrestling. What was Palumbo going to do in the ring with a motorcycle gimmick? Pretend to ride one? Exist as a wrestler with a premature, mid-life crisis? I respect those who ride motorcycles, except for the ones who believe that riding motorcycles define themselves and their life. I drive a mattress on wheels, but I am more than an ill-conceived form of transportation. I am a human being with a unique personality that does not relate to owning a bedroom-related vehicle.
68. Are You Missing Any Teeth?
Thanks to the Tooth Fairy, who is very real and not fake, I have my adult teeth and a bed full of cash. In fact, she takes teeth from other people in order to give me more money. For example, Mick Foley's lost teeth have provided me with my own AAA baseball team. I am not sure what the Tooth Fairy is doing with my baby teeth. If I had to guess, I assume that she is trying to build another version of me in hopes that he will fall in love with her. What the Tooth Fairy does not know is that all versions of me are in it to win it with one fairy and one fairy only: Tinker Bell. If you have watched Disney's Peter Pan, you will understand why I think so highly of Ms. Bell. She gets in those hard-to-reach places.
69. Can you tune up the band?
If I tune up the band while Shawn Michaels tunes up the band, what will happen? Will it appear as though we are simultaneously enjoying ourselves at a hootenanny? As long as Shawn Michaels does not tune up the band, I can tune up the band. Whenever he does tune up the band, I lose my ability to leave the ring and gain an intense craving to hear music of the sweet chin variety all up in my face. I like to think of my Sweet Chin Music as the contemporary alternative to Shawn Michaels' version. Like any born-again Christian, he hits people in the mouth to restore his faith in hitting people in the mouth. As for myself, I kick people in the face to the tune of Rod Stewart, Billy Joel, and Annie Lennox. As a quick reminder, 101.5 SWM FM plays the best soft favourites of the 70s, 80s, 90s, and today. Welcome back to The Swerved in the Morning. Stay tuned for our Beat the Bank Contest in which you can win up to $10,000 in cash. Now, here's Cyndi Lauper with "Time After Time.”
70. Are you over 7 feet tall?
Well, I am rather gifted down there. You know what they say about men over seven feet tall: they need custom shoes because most stores do not carry size thirteen and over.
What WWE Superstar am I? The Big Show. He is big. In other news, he is a show. I am big and a show, too.
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