The Swerved is your one-stop shop for professional wrestling knowledge. Without question, I know all. You cannot stump me with your queries for I am an answering machine. I can answer your questions while I record messages from friends and family on your phone. Nathaniel Luscious Wrestling invented professional wrestling in 1902. What is a wrestling ring? A wrestling ring is a steel apparatus that is three-feet by six-feet wide. This apparatus peels both large and small potatoes. The first world champion in professional wrestling history was a pair of pants. When it comes to wrestling, I am never not smart.
This week, I would like to take some time out to discover myself. You may know me as answering machine, but do you really know me? Moreover, do I know myself? Truly, I have never spent more than five minutes with myself. Perhaps I should turn away the lovely ladies for once and pay attention to my own needs. What am I? What have I become? Why am I wearing a panda suit on the top half of my body and a pair of wrestling trunks on my bottom half? To answer these queries, I must go on a soul-searching mission. I must use wrestling quizzes to learn about my wrestling self.
Before I begin this wonderful journey to the land of Self-Discovery, I would like to thank "InsomniAddict" for this wrestling quiz. Wherever you are, you are in my thoughts. You, sir, have made a significant contribution to society in the form of this quiz. One day, I hope you are able to curb your addiction to insomnia. The first step towards recovery is admitting that you have a problem. The second step involves bottling up those problems. Nobody wants to know about your life, especially at 4:30 AM. Dang, InsomniAddict. Normal people are trying to sleep at that time. Shoot.
As a quick note, all questions will be transcribed verbatim from their original source. This means that all spelling mistakes and flashes of grammatical greatness shall remain. I do not want to sully the name of one InsomniAddict. Every other day of the year, he is my better.
Now, let us uncover the answer to life's biggest question: what WWE Superstar am I?
1. Do you like 3D?
To be honest, I like 3D as a friend, but just a friend. I do not see a future with 3D. While 3D comes from a good family and looks pretty in the right light, I do not want to be with 3D forever. I am a homebody. I do not want to spend Saturday nights in a wrestling ring, where a convulsing African-American man lifts me up into the air while a hefty Caucasian male grabs me by the neck and tries to pull me face-first to the floor. In that scenario, I would be miserable.
2. Do you and Triple H not get along?
Hunter Hearst Helmsley and I have our differences. On second thought, all professional wrestlers and professional wrestling analysts have problems with each other. For one, Triple H leaves the toilet seat up on a frequent basis. He should be aware that analysts such as myself have narrow hips and can fall into toilets without difficulty. For two, Triple H despises water bottles. Have you ever seen Hunter keep a water bottle? Those bottles can be kept for future use, man. You don't even have to put water in those bottles. You can keep your jewelry in there. You can house a goldfish. Hunter Hearst Helmsley is against the environment.
3. Do you have a half brother who you don't get along with?
Yes; I am told that his name is Hunter. If my half brother is Triple H, I will find a way to alter my DNA until we do not share it.
4. Are you over 500 lbs?
Usually, I tend to carry the wrestling world on my shoulders. Therefore, I weigh well over 500 pounds. Whenever I attempt to weigh myself on a scale with the wrestling world on my shoulders, I break the scale. The wrestling world is rather heavy. The wrestling world weighs the same as Hulk Hogan's memory of Andre the Giant. This world is twelve exatonnes.
5. Do you like tables?
Why, I love tables. I like to play cards, eat food, and work on tables. Tables are not as cocky as chairs because they know that you can sit on them, but they don't advertise the fact. Furthermore, tables are... wait a minute. Why is that table in the middle of the ring? Why is this convulsing African-American man holding me up? Why is that hefty Caucasian male trying to grab my neck? I don't like this change of events. I don't like this change of events at all.
6. Are you a Sexy Boy?
According to the female population, I am a Sexy Boy with an identity crisis. I am not a Sexy Boy, not yet a Sexy Man. Sometimes, I sing about my inner crisis on a dry desert mountain in Arizona. At least I am a Sexy Man where it counts, right? I am Sexy Man from my fingertips to my shoulders.
7. Is youe finisher painless?
Demetrius Youe, the professional wrestling superstar of tomorrow, boasts a finisher that is painless. His finisher is a powerbomb onto a pile of blankets that have a high thread count. On the other hand, my finisher is painful. While I do not make contact with my opponent, I use my words to emotionally inflict pain. After my finisher, I pin my opponent, who proceeds to lie on his back and second-guess his life choices for more than three seconds. "Should I have listened to my parents rather than my backyard wrestling buddies? Should I have become a urologist?" Who knows?
8. Are you everyones favourite superhero?
I am nobody's favourite superhero. Demetrius Everyones, the professional wrestling manager of tomorrow, believes that I am a hero, but not one of the super variety. As for me, I do not think much of superheroes. I am content as a regular hero because superheroes are arrogant and abrasive individuals. Do you ever see Superman chilling at the Costco? No, you don't. Superman hates the everyman. Superman orders organic food online and watches over Lois Lane as she sleeps.
9. Are you Extreme??
Since you ask this question with two question marks, I guess you are more extreme than I could ever be. I am not the extreme type. I don't like to hit others with steel chairs. I would prefer not to suplex an opponent through a wooden table. Most of all, I do not want to attempt the most extreme move in modern wrestling history: Matt Hardy's flying axe handle from the middle turnbuckle. For goodness sake, that axe handle is flying from the middle turnbuckle. Due to the fact that the axe handle is in flight, that move is superior to an axe handle that travels on the ground.
10. Do you respect the Dynomite Kid?
The Dynomite Kid treks around town with a fur coat and a feather in his cap. At various points during his stroll, he slaps a lady of the night to set her straight. "Stop hollerin' and give me some dollarin', LaShanda," he says. Therefore, I respect the Dynomite Kid. He's like the Dynamite Kid, except more authoritative.
11. Do you have any brain damage?
Thankfully, my brain is intact. If I do not have any brain damage, professional wrestlers must have no brain damage as well. Vince McMahon will be the first to tell you that WWE Superstars do not suffer brain damage in his ring. He has no idea where they get concussed. Maybe some wrestlers get concussions while they eat cereal with hard and chalky marshmallow bits. Maybe other wrestlers get concussions when they do not praise World Wrestling Entertainment at every opportunity. In conclusion, watching or competing in WWE results in zero brain damage. In fact, watching or competing in WWE increases brain size and function.
12. Do you like sock puppets like Mr. Socko??
My sources inform me that Mr. Socko is a sock puppet with a severe attitude problem. In the past, Mr. Socko has had backstage scuffles with puppets like the Pets.com dog, Lamb Chop from Lamb Chop's Play-Along, and Gerald Brisco. Because Mick Foley has left WWE for TNA, World Wrestling Entertainment wants Mr. Socko to stay. Although Mr. Socko is open to the offer, he wants more money than he deserves. Mr. Socko is asking for a six-year contract in the seven-figure range. This demand is quite ridiculous, even for a legendary puppet like Mr. Socko. Sure, he has put many male groins in his mouth, but what has he done for wrestling lately?
13. Do you use submission to finish off most of your opponents?
No; I am not into submission in the wrestling ring, nor am I fan of it in the bedroom. I like skin-to-skin action, thank you very much. I do not care for paddles. In order to finish off most of my opponents, I prefer to hire a group of ninja terrorists to submit my foes for me. Apparently, this method has worked for Muhammad Hassan. Thus, I believe ninja terrorists can work for me.
14. do you like the # 3:16?
Actually, 3:16 is a not a number, but a group of two numbers put together to refer to a Bible passage. If you wish to stretch the concept, 3:16 can be a ratio. For example, the odds that wrestling fans under eight years old remember the exploits of Stone Cold Steve Austin are 3:16. Vegas has the odds at 1:9. What do I make of those odds, you say? I like them. I like them a lot.
15. What do you think about... unification?
If you mean title or brand unification, I am against the idea, but why did you pause before you said, "unification?" Did you want to say something else? Do you think "unification" is a dirty word? Well, when two brands within the same company love each other very much, they "unify." In my opinion, unification is a natural and beautiful process. People don't unify like they do in those movies, though. Unifying is rewarding and exciting, but awkward, especially if you unify for money.
16. Do you have more important things to do?
Yes; I have more important things to do. I have places to go, people to see, and series to survive. If you can survive once, that is not an accomplishment. If you can survive several times in the same night, that is worth forty-dollars of your entertainment buck.
17. Do you like tombstones?
I am a fan of Undertaker's Tombstone for it appears as though he is unifying with his opponent in a standing position whenever he does it. Undertaker's Tombstone takes much strength and dedication on his part. On the part of the opponent, he does not have to do anything except enjoy the ride. Man, Undertaker is a undead living zombie thing who can't get enough of burying his face in his opponents' crotches. Is that what happens in the cemetery at night? Does he like to rest in a man‘s piece?
18. Is it the bottom like because you said so?
The bottom like is similar to the bottom line, except it is not at the bottom. The line is near the bottom, but fails to reach the bottom. For me, the bottom like is depressing. Stone Cold never admits that the bottom like is not at the bottom because he is afraid that you will judge him. He is scared that you will think he is not man enough to get his line all the way to the bottom. This fear is why he drinks. This fear is why most of the beer that he drinks doesn't hit his mouth. Why does Linda McMahon takes the worst Stunners? Because Stone Cold is afraid that Linda knows his secret. She sings the secret to herself to the tune of her entrance theme.
19. Do you have a Cabana?
I have one Cabana for personal use and one Cabana for entertaining guests. Come to my Cabana and we shall continue our midcard feud. Both Cabanas have a hammock hung between two palm trees, a large beach mat, two beach chairs, and a bushel basket of apples for some reason. Apples are exotic, but not as exotic as grapes. When you find yourself lost in a mysterious jungle, the first fruit you will come across should be grapes.
20. Do you beleive in the three I's?
No; "intelligence, integrity, and intensity" are myths. Wrestling fans don't have any of the three aforementioned qualities, let alone all three qualities simultaneously. They don't know magic's biggest secrets. How can they not know that doves fly out of everything? The other day, doves flew out of my shoes. I can't believe that Maria and the Masked Magician have to show you. The Masked Magican can barely see through his mask. He can't do his taxes in that mask.
21. Are you from the Caribean?
On an alternate version of Earth, I am from this place you call, "Caribean." On the weekends, Razor Ramon shows up at the fruit stand to dislike peaches. On the weekdays, Carlito appears to express his distaste for apples. Several wrestlers from this "Caribean" have poor opinions of fruit. When I get home to this alternate version of Earth, I will blow their minds and hand them tomatoes. Are tomatoes fruit or vegetables? Razor and Carlito will be at the fruit stand forever, trying to figure out whether to show their love or hatred for tomatoes.
22. Does it take 10 people to take you down, but you still put up a hell of a fight?
Yes; I am similar to John Cena in that regard. In addition, I like to recover from injury like John Cena. I walk around backstage, talking to my friends and enemies. As if I have never tasted sports drinks before, I down bottle after bottle of Gatorade. In WWE Films' upcoming feature entitled 12 Rounds, I fight ten nameless henchmen with Gatorade. First, I drink the Gatorade. Next, I wield empty Gatorade bottles in my hands. I fight like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but I use Gatorade, not nunchucks.
23. Do you only attack old people who cant do anything about it?
My goal in life is to attack every old person in the world. Old people are so old. They drive too slow, walk too slow, and eat creamed corn without teeth. I despite old people so much that I beat old people with other old people. Of course, they fight back and hit me with their canes, but I retaliate by depriving them of The Lawrence Welk Show. Old people are the Sting to my Hollywood Hulk Hogan. When I least expect them to appear, I notice them in the rafters, eating their pudding with paper spoons.
24. Do you have relatives who wrestled?
Absolutely. When I was six years old, my aunt and uncle used to wrestle without clothes in my kiddie pool. When I asked them what they were doing, my uncle told me that they were wrestling in an Iron Man Match. I suggested that I officiate the match, but I saw that they had the contest under control. My aunt was in a rear naked choke for about fifteen minutes, but she reversed the move into a Magistral Cradle. A few hours later, some strange lady joined them. If they had that match in the WWF, I think it would have won Match of the Year.
25. Do a lot of people hate you?
Out of the millions of people who make up the Swerved Nation, only half of them hate me. The other half think that I am okay at times, but otherwise they hate me, too. I am proud to have devoted fans who shower me with unconditional love and admiration. I feel the exact same way about them. I feel the exact same way about them with all my heart. I would want each of them to have my baby, but I fear that my future son or daughter would turn into Brundlefly.
26. Do you open up a can of whoopass whenever you get in the ring?
Are you kidding me? I would never open up a can of whoopass in the ring. Why would I want to spill gourmet whoopass everywhere? I am aware that Stone Cold Steve Austin prefers to open up cans of whoopass in the ring, but I am not Stone Cold Steve Austin. I would rather be like Santino Marella and open up a can of ass whip for it is fluffy, nutritious, and delicious. Santino Marella's ass whip: when a problem comes along, you must whip it with your ass.
27. Do you have problems with your tag team partners?
As a member of a tag team, having more than one tag team partner is troublesome. How long does that tag rope have to be? How long does that apron have to be to make room for my partners? I guess one of my tag partners will receive the hot tag, another partner will get the lukewarm tag, and my third tag team partner will be killed. My tag team does not tolerate cold tags.
28. Are you called a monster?
In the wrestling world, I am called many names -- innovator, genius, pioneer, leader, and refrigerator, none of which are equivalent to "monster." In the case of the people who call me refrigerator, please do not call me that name anymore. The next time I leave my home, I do not want fans approaching me with beverages. They can try to open me up, but that's not going to happen. I was born to analyze professional wrestling. I was not born to chill your Diet Dr. Pepper.
29. Do you like pain?
Both Kane and Snitsky adore pain. Also, they are bald and pale. If only bald and pale monsters adore pain, I do not adore pain. If you poke in the arm with your pinky finger, I will go into a coma. I swear to the Pope Todd Grisham, I will.
30. Do you have other people help you win?
Like any babyface named Batista, I do everything in my power to win World Heavyweight Titles. I summon Shawn Michaels by flashing a distress signal into the night sky that features a disheveled hobo in high pants and a cowboy hat. I ask the coast guard to drop what they are doing in international waters and accompany me to the ring. I call upon all three WWE General Managers to grant me title shot after title shot until I win. I wear ten women's tank tops at once. If I don't win by interference, I lose by lack of interference. I am Batista. When I don't walk alone, I walk with other people.
31. Are you an American Hero?
As of this writing, I am not a citizen of your United States of America. Despite the fact that I do not have American citizenship, I will myself to become your American Hero. Why? I can be your American Hero, baby. I can kiss away your American pain. I could stand by you in an American fashion forever. You can take my American breath away. I can be your American Hero.
32. Are you a crippler?
Well, this question is awkward. Even though I know to whom you are referring, I feel uncomfortable. This question is equivalent to saying hello to someone you think you know on the street, who then turns out to be a complete stranger, such as Satan's brother Roy. Am I a crippler? For now, I am not a crippler. I am not that dude from Marvel Comics.
33. Have you ever been in a fire?
Personally, I do not wish to associate myself with fire. I would rather be beside fire than in it. I heard fire is hot and can burn you. Please refer to the time that Shane McMahon kicked Kane in a dumpster of fire. To this day, Kane is recovering from all those burns by walking around shirtless. When you walk around shirtless, your burns will heal faster because they will make contact with wind -- Mother Nature's wound healer. Perhaps I am only one who feels this way, but hot and burning things do not appeal to me. Go ahead and flame-broil my burger. Once you flame-broil me, I think I will lose a lot of my flavour.
34. Do you cheat to win?
I never cheat to win (in wrestling matches). I prefer to do what Los Guerreros did instead. On occasion, I steal baby bottles from babies and women from yuppie tennis players. Against an elderly lady's wishes, I throw parties in her pool. Lastly, I bend the rules of golf. Whatever made Chavo Guerrero transform into Kerwin White is good enough for me.
35. Should they take this asswhoopin personally?
Who is this "they?" Are you talking about those guys next to the thing with other thing, or those fellows in the place with the stuff? For the information of both groups, they should take this asswhoopin personally because I made this asswhoop for them as a gift. I slaved over a hot stove, making asswhoop in my bathtub. I tore that bathtub out of the bathroom and placed it on my stove. They should be thankful.
36. Do you get along with your brothers?
Hunter Hearst Helmsley is my only brother, albeit a half brother. And yes, we continue to fight like half brothers. Whenever we hang out, he forces me to play his game. He makes me play his game while I'm eating pasta. He makes me play his game while he builds a model World War II fighter plane. When I try to play something else, he says, "Hey, why aren't you playing my game? I thought you were my half brother. If you half-love me like a half brother, you would play my game." That guilt trip never fails. When will Triple H play my game for a change?
37. Do you like beer?
Who do I look like to you? A migrant worker? Beer is for the lower class. When he was part of the Acolyte Protection Agency, Bradshaw drank beer at every opportunity. Now that he is a wealthy investor, John "Bradshaw" Layfield never drinks beer. For once in your life, reader, act like a high-class individual for a change. John "Bradshaw" Layfield drinks nothing but Mamajuana. After all, Mamajuana is sex in a bottle. In order to be high class, you must have relations with the bottle.
38. Are you Hardcore?
I despise people, places, and things with the name Hardcore. For example, Hardcore Holly is a living and breathing insult to both hardcore wrestlers and attractive girls named Holly. Out of the entire Holly family, Hardcore Holly is my least favourite. I hope Hardcore Holly still has that scale for super heavyweights. If he does have it, maybe he can weigh how much of a disappointment he continues to be on that scale. My dream is to be the opposite of Hardcore.
39. Do you like Fire and Brimstone?
Next to Simon and Garfunkel, Fire and Brimstone are my favourite folk music duo. In my view, Brimstone is a better acoustic guitarist than Fire. Then again, Fire smells like fire, whereas Brimstone smells like rotten eggs cooking over a furnace. My favourite song is their cover of Zebrahead's "Legs Like That," also known as Maria's entrance theme. That song reminds me of my own mortality for I die inside whenever I hear it. Maria's legs are not long at all. What the Fig Newtons?
40. Are you self confident, maybe a little to much?
In the industry, I am known as the greatest at everything in the entire world. In the realm of professional wrestling analysts, I am the most humble. I am not a little self-confident, nor too self-confident; rather, I have the perfect amount of self-confidence. I am the porridge that Goldilocks loves to eat. Of course, Goldilocks of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is a whorish drifter, but at least she knows quality.
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